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POINTLESS DIALOGUE SAMPLE
By Eric Nakao



(TRISTAN stands watching the DUCKS exit. DUCK 4 was the last.)

TRISTAN
(to self)
Well, singingís nice, but I think I need something more.
(looks at paper)
Maybe this will help.
(reads)
Keep your head above water.
(to self)
Well, I guess that's kind of a common sense thing to say.
(reads)
Beware of decoys.
(to self)
Huh. I wonder why they'd say that?
(reads)
Ducks are quadra-amphibious.

(Four to six PIGEONS enter, stage right. They stand, stage right, observing TRISTAN, who doesn't see them yet. TRISTAN continues speaking to herself.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Quadra-amphibious. Four-amphibious? Let's see. Walking, swimming, flying . . . floating? I don't know.

(PIGEON 1 approaches TRISTAN.)

PIGEON 1
That's right. Cuz you ain't no duck, chicky.

(TRISTAN hears, but hasn't seen, PIGEON 1 yet.)

TRISTAN
Yeah? Well, I ain't no chicky,
(turns to address PIGEON 1)
pigeon.

PIGEON 2
She ain't no nuthin'.

PIGEON 3
Strange bird.

TRISTAN
I'm not a bird. I'm a young woman.

PIGEON 1
A young woman.

TRISTAN
That's right. A young woman, you pigeon-bastard.

(PIGEONS start cackling to each other.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Would you stop that? My God, you pigeons are annoying.

(PIGEON 1 gets the others to stifle their laughter.)

PIGEON 1
(mock innocent)
Pigeons? But we're not pigeons. We're young women!

(PIGEONS laugh and start to mockingly act like young women.)

TRISTAN
(to self)
So rude.

(TRISTAN starts to exit.)

PIGEON 1
Wait! Don't you want to hear our song?

TRISTAN
No!

PIGEON 1
Wait! Don't you want to hear me play the harmonica?

(TRISTAN stops, then turns around to set him straight.)

TRISTAN
Pigeons cannot play the harmonica.

(PIGEON 1 looks confidently at TRISTAN.)

OTHER PIGEONS
(separately)
He can! He can!

TRISTAN
You need lips to play the harmonica.
(points to her lips)
Lips! Lips!

OTHER PIGEONS
(separately)
He can! He can!
(to PIGEON 1, separately)
Show her! Show her!

(TRISTAN comes over to PIGEON 1 who takes out a harmonica and brings it to his beak.)

PIGEON 1
(to TRISTAN)
Ready?

TRISTAN
It's your funeral.

(PIGEON 1 almost begins, then stops.)

PIGEON 1
(to TRISTAN)
Prepare to be amazed.

TRISTAN
Just do it.

(PIGEON 1 commences with a pathetic series of pecks and stray notes. When he's finished, he waits for what he's sure will be a complimentary response from TRISTAN, but TRISTAN is not impressed at all.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Give me that.

(TRISTAN snatches the harmonica from PIGEON 1 and begins a soulful rendition of "MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME." She stops briefly and looks up at PIGEON 1.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Lips. Lips.

(TRISTAN continues with her soulful rendition, but PIGEON 1 can't stand being shown up and snatches his harmonica back. TRISTAN is unperturbed.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
And that's how you play the harmonica.

PIGEON 1
You think you're pretty clever, don't you.

TRISTAN
(fake modesty)
No. I just did what any 6-year-old child could do.
(for the other PIGEONS)
A human child, that is.

(The other PIGEONS start grumbling. PIGEON 1 goes over to them. They confer, then PIGEON 1 returns to TRISTAN.)

PIGEON 1
(spoken)
THINK YOU'RE PRETTY CLEVER,
BRIGHTER THAN THE SKY.
WHEN TROUBLE REARS ITS UGLY HEAD,
YOU PUNCH IT IN THE EYE.

(The other PIGEONS start circling around TRISTAN.)

TRISTAN
Remember, you were mean to me first.

PIGEON 1
(spoken)
FIRST OR SECOND, THIRD OR LAST,
IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING.
FOR WHEN YOU'VE CROSSED A PIGEON'S PATH,
(sung)
YOU'LL FEEL THE CRUSH OF A PIGEON'S WING.

PIGEONS
THE PIGEONS ARE GONNA GETCHA,
IF YOU DON'T WATCH OUT.
(COO, COO, COO.)
THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE OUT, YOU BETCHA,
YOU'RE GONNA WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT.
(OH, OH, OH!)
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT,
YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE DRIVIN' RAIN.
(YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!)

(A different PIGEON pelts TRISTAN with an exploding bag of white pigeon poop with each "yeah.")

PIGEONS (cont)
DON'T GIVE US YOUR POO
CUZ YOU KNOW YOU
WILL BE GETTING IT BACK AGAIN.

(A PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)

PIGEONS (cont.)
AND AGAIN.

(Another PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)

PIGEONS (cont.)
AND AGAIN.

(Another PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)

PIGEONS (cont.)
AND AGAIN.

TRISTAN
YOU KNOW, HEY, I'M REALLY SORRY.
I SHOULD HAVE JUST CUT AND RUN.

(PIGEONS fake a group bombardment.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(spoken or sung-spoken)
(NO, NO, NO!)
(sung)
BUT WHEN YOU MADE FUN OF ME, WELL,
I HAD TO SHOW YOU ALL HOW IT WAS DONE.

(PIGEONS fake another bombardment.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(spoken or sung-spoken)
(PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!)
(sung)
I THINK THAT YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.
IT WAS ENVY, I JUST HAVE TO SAY.

(PIGEONS start making bombardment motions again with TRISTAN going into a defensive crouch.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(spoken)
(NOT IN THE FACE.)

(But this time, the PIGEONS mercilessly bomb TRISTAN with the exploding bags. Maybe near the end, some of the PIGEONS make bombing noises when they throw their bags. After they're finished, TRISTAN looks sheepishly up from her crouching position. The area of her clean protected face is clearly demarcated from the rest of her white-goo-covered body.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(sung)
SO IF IT PLEASE YOU WELL,
I GUESS THAT I'LL JUST
BE GOING ON MY OWN WAY.

PIGEON 1
(mock conciliatory)
Well, she does seem repentant.

PIGEON 2
(mock conciliatory)
And we did slightly disparage her in the beginning.

(A CHILD PIGEON enters, stage right. He runs up to TRISTAN and holds out a towel.)

TRISTAN
Is that for me?

(CHILD PIGEON starts to hand TRISTAN the towel, then pulls it away.)

CHILD PIGEON
No.

(He scampers to the adult PIGEONS who laugh approvingly.)

PIGEON 1
Well, our work is done here. Come along, piggies, let's leave this young woman to think about what's just happened here.

(PIGEONS exit, stage left)

PIGEON 2
Pigeons rule!

PIGEON 3
Pigeon stool!

(PIGEONS exit laughing. TRISTAN rises. Maybe her goo-covered body with her still-clean face makes her look a little like a bird, but she doesn't play this up.)

TRISTAN
Oh, what a nasty world this is.

(MUSIC starts as four to six male and female SINGERS enter, stage right, with buckets of water, sponges and mops. They dump the water over TRISTAN and quickly clean her off and mop up the excess water as they sing.)

SINGERS
CHILL, BRO, CHILL.
IT'S NOT SUCH A VERY BIG DEAL.
WE FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL.
SO CHILL, BRO, CHILL.

KEEP IT REAL.
ALL WOUNDS WILL EVENTUALLY HEAL.
WE FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL.
SO CHILL, BRO, CHILL.

(SINGERS exit, stage right. TRISTAN considers her present condition, then starts exiting as well, stage right.)

TRISTAN
(to off-stage SINGERS)
Hey, how about a towel? And I'm not a bro, I'm a "sista!"

(As TRISTAN is exiting, the LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC for the next song begins. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a male or female SINGER.)

SINGER
ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
BUT THEY DONíT LOOK HAPPY,
LIKE THEY'RE JUST FINISHING UP
WITH A GOD DAMN, KNOCKDOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT.
OR IS IT JUST ME,
KINDA UGLY AND FREE,
SUCKING ALL THE AIR OUT OF SIGHT?
CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

BUT HONEY, I DON'T CARE.
LIFE'S UNFAIR.
FULL OF ANGER AND STRIFE.
AND WHAT DOES IT MATTER
SINCE YOU DON'T LOVE ME, ANYWAY?
BUT IF YOU HELD MY HAND,
I COULD FEEL
A DIFFERENT KIND OF BEAUTY INSIDE.
AND TO FEEL THAT FEELING
WOULD BE GOOD, I THINK.

CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
BUT THEY DON'T LOOK HAPPY,
LIKE THEY'RE JUST FINISHING UP
WITH A GOD DAMN, KNOCKDOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT.
OR IS IT JUST ME,
KINDA UGLY AND FREE,
SUCKING ALL THE AIR OUT OF SIGHT?
CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
AND ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT THERE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)


posted: september 24, 2005
dialogue update: october 3, 2006, 7:36 PM ET
webpage update: october 3, 2006, 7:36 PM ET

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