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SCENES 1-1
park
1-2
park
1-3
missile girl
1-4
workfare
1-5
ducks/pigeons
 
2-1
sebastian's room
2-2
sebastian's room
2-3
ballerina woman's
room
2-4
boob bottoms
2-5
ballerina woman's
room
2-6
the women
2-7
roger
& leta
2-8
park

bbbbbb
2-9
tristan's
room

 



But nobody appreciates my baby
(photo credits here)


POINTLESS (
reading version - 2004 revision)
By Eric Nakao


Pre-play

FAUXVERTURE.


ACT 1
scene 1


PARK.

(LIGHTS GO UP on PARK MOTHER and female CHILD sitting on a bench. Soon, SQUIRREL enters, stage right. SQUIRREL stops stage right, making squirrel-like motions. PARK MOTHER points out SQUIRREL to CHILD, then takes a one to two-foot long peanut out of her bag and gives it to CHILD to give to SQUIRREL. CHILD takes a few steps towards SQUIRREL and holds the peanut out for him. SQUIRREL approaches CHILD and takes the peanut. A delighted CHILD returns to PARK MOTHER. SQUIRREL retreats a few steps, then tries to eat the peanut.

SCRUFFY MAN enters, stage left. He stands, stage left, and observes the situation. He then approaches SQUIRREL and wordlessly tries picking a fight. But single-minded SQUIRREL continues trying to eat his peanut, so SCRUFFY MAN starts pushing SQUIRREL who continues with his peanut until SCRUFFY MAN knocks it out of his paws. SQUIRREL tries standing his ground, twirling his paws in front of him like an old-fashioned boxer. But SQUIRREL’s short little arms are no match for SCRUFFY MAN’s much longer arms and SCRUFFY MAN starts popping SQUIRREL in the face, then wrestles him to the ground and begins pounding away at him. SMACKING and THUDDING SOUNDS are heard when SCRUFFY MAN hits SQUIRREL in the face and body, respectively.

PARK MOTHER, who has been looking on in horror, ushers CHILD off, stage left, as the LIGHTS FADE.)



ACT 1
scene 2


PARK.

(LITTLE OLD LADY sits on the bench. Soon, PARK PIGEON flutters in, stage right. He starts strutting around and acting like a pigeon. LITTLE OLD LADY takes a one to two-foot wide popcorn kernel out of her bag. She tosses it on the ground for PARK PIGEON who struts over and tries to eat it by pecking at the big popcorn and shaking it with his beak.

SCRUFFY MAN enters, stage left. He stands, stage left, and observes the situation. He then approaches PARK PIGEON and starts kicking the popcorn away from him. Single-minded PARK PIGEON keeps trying to peck away at the big popcorn until SCRUFFY MAN trots around behind PARK PIGEON as he is leaning over the popcorn and kicks him in his big rear end. PARK PIGEON lets out a SQUAWK and stumbles forward, but doesn't fall. SCRUFFY MAN keeps at PARK PIGEON, following him around and kicking his rear end until he falls flat on his face whereupon SCRUFFY MAN pounces on top of him and begins to wrestle with the hopelessly outmatched bird.

After awhile, PARK PIGEON lets out a SQUAWK or COO as if a cry for help, then suddenly, PARK MOTHER and CHILD rush in, stage left, with POLICE OFFICER. They stop, stage left, PARK MOTHER pointing at the horrific scene.)

PARK MOTHER
There he is, officer! There's that horrid, horrid man!

(POLICE OFFICER approaches SCRUFFY MAN and PARK PIGEON.)

POLICE OFFICER
All right. Break it up, you two.
(pulls SCRUFFY MAN up by the collar)
Why'd you do it, Lefty?

SCRUFFY MAN
Why'd I do it?
(to the audience, taunting)
Who's gonna stop me!
(laughs)

POLICE OFFICER
All right. Come along with you now.

(POLICE OFFICER takes SCRUFFY MAN off, stage left. PARK MOTHER and CHILD, who have been attending to PARK PIGEON, help him off, stage left. LITTLE OLD LADY continues sitting on the bench.)

(A little later, OLD MAN enters, stage left. He stands, stage left, observing LITTLE OLD LADY who doesn't see him yet, then goes over and sits next to her. LITTLE OLD LADY is aware of him now, but tries not to let on. Soon, OLD MAN scoots closer to her and whispers something in her ear. LITTLE OLD LADY, deeply offended, stands, hits OLD MAN a few times with her bag, then stalks off, stage left. OLD MAN watches her exit, then continues sitting, lost in his own thoughts.)

OLD MAN
OH, SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS CHRISTIAN.
OH, WHAT A GOOD LIFE THAT WOULD BE.
I'D LIVE BY THE GOLDEN RULE EVERY DAY
AND BEAR MY CROSS PEACEFULLY.
AND THE GIRLS ARE SO LOVELY, LOVELY,
THEIR VIRGIN LIPS UNKISSED
BY WORRY, FEAR, PROTECTED BY
A COMMUNAL CHRISTIAN BLISS.

OH, SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS JEWISH.
OH, WHAT A GOOD LIFE THAT WOULD BE.
I'D LIVE BY THE TORAH EVERY DAY
AND LIVE MY LIFE PEACEFULLY.
AND THE GIRLS ARE SO LOVELY, LOVELY,
THEIR VIRGIN LIPS UNKISSED
BY WORRY, FEAR, PROTECTED BY
A COMMUNAL JEWISH BLISS.

(TRISTAN enters, tumbling in from stage left.)

TRISTAN
Whoa!
(stops tumbling, center stage, and ends up lying on the ground)
That was quite a fall.

OLD MAN
(looks to heavens)
Thank you.
(to self)
Be still, my heart.

(TRISTAN gets up and looks around, but doesn't see OLD MAN yet.)

TRISTAN
I wonder where I am?

OLD MAN
(to TRISTAN, sounding far away)
Hello.

(TRISTAN hears OLD MAN, but still doesn't see him.)

TRISTAN
Hello?

OLD MAN
(to self)
Oh, be still, my heart.
(to TRISTAN, playfully, but still sounding far away)
Hello.

(TRISTAN begins backing up towards OLD MAN.)

TRISTAN
Hello? Is anybody there?

OLD MAN
HELLO, HELLO. IT'S ME.
HELLO, HELLO. IT'S ME.
HELLO, HELLO. IT'S ME.
HELLO, HELLO. IT'S ME.
WOO!

(TRISTAN falls back onto the bench, to the left of OLD MAN on "woo.")

OLD MAN (cont.)
(to self)
My prayers have been answered.
(to TRISTAN)
And what is your name, my child?

TRISTAN
Tristan.

OLD MAN
Tristan, Tristan. Isn't that a young man's name?

TRISTAN
I don't know.

OLD MAN
(looks over TRISTAN's body)
But you're not a young man, are you?

TRISTAN
(slightly uncomfortable, but trying to be polite)
Oh no. I'm a young woman. A girl-woman.

OLD MAN
(to self)
Ah, a girl-woman. The best kind. I think.
(to TRISTAN)
Forgive me, Tristan. It's just that when you get to be my age, you just can't contain yourself sometimes.

TRISTAN
Mm.

OLD MAN
I mean you just can't contain yourself sometimes. Do you un-der-stand what I'm trying to say to you here, Tristan.

TRISTAN
(a little nervous, but still trying to be polite)
Just can't contain yourself sometimes.

OLD MAN
(shudder)
Rrrrr.

TRISTAN
(still trying to be polite)
Rrrrr.

OLD MAN
(with more feeling)
Rrrrr.

TRISTAN
(sort of playing along)
Rrrrr.

OLD MAN
(cuts loose)
RRRRR!

TRISTAN
(very uncomfortable, realizing she has to end this)
I have to go now.

(TRISTAN gets up and exits, stage right. OLD MAN watches her go, then returns to his own thoughts.)

OLD MAN
THE TIME IS NEAR.
THE DAYS GROW COLDER.
YOU LOOK WITHIN
AND FIND YOU'RE OLDER
THAN YOU'D REALLY LIKE TO BE
IN ALL YOUR BROKEN DREAMS.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU
CAN DO TO CHANGE
THE LOOKING GLASS
THAT REARRANGES
EVERYTHING THAT YOU DESIRED,
SO MANY YEARS AGO.

THEN RRRRR. RRRRR!
SOMETHING IN YOUR HEART
BEGINS TO STIRRRRR!
THEN TO HELL WITH ALL THE CONSEQUENCES
THAT YOU MAY INCUR.
IT'S RRRRR. RRRRR. RRRRR!

(OLD MAN exits, stage right, as MUSIC from the next song begins. Three OLD RAPPERS enter rapping, stage right. Maybe LIGHTS start to flash or something to give a surreal feeling.)

OLD RAPPERS
JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT!
JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT!
JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT!

(OLD MAN, dressed in hip-hop attire, enters, stage right, and takes center stage.)

OLD MAN
A-WHEN YA SEES A SOMETHIN'
THAT YA NEED,
YOU GOTSTA GRAB IT WITH BOTH HANDS
AND SQUEEZE.
AND POP IT IN YOUR MOUTH
JUST LIKE A CHEEZ-IT.
AND EASE IT.

(OLD MAN does some sexually suggestive dance moves. OLD RAPPERS watch him approvingly and offer words of encouragement.)

OLD RAPPER 1
Mm hm.

OLD RAPPER 2
You got it, baby.

OLD RAPPER 3
Show them how it's done, old man! Show them how it's done!

OLD MAN
THEN FREEZE IT.

(OLD MAN does more suggestive dance moves.)

OLD RAPPER 1
Oh yeah.

OLD RAPPER 2
Don't hold back, baby.

OLD RAPPER 3
Show it no mercy, old man! Show it no mercy!

OLD MAN
THEN SLEEZE IT. WOO!

(OLD MAN cuts loose with some very suggestive dance moves.)

OLD RAPPERS
JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT!
JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT!
JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT!

(OLD MAN finishes his dance, then swaggers off, stage right, to the dangerous rhythms and noises of the music, followed by the approving OLD RAPPERS as the LIGHTS FADE.)



ACT 1
scene 3


OUTSIDE

(MISSILE GIRL stands singing, center stage. The back end of a missile is sticking out of the top of her head at a slight angle.)

MISSILE GIRL
OH, I DESPISE AMERICA.
AMERICA. AMERICA.
OH, I DESPISE AMERICA.
AMERICA, USA.

(TRISTAN enters, stage left. She stands, stage left, but doesn't see MISSILE GIRL yet.)

TRISTAN
Well, that was strange, but I must keep pressing forward.
(sees MISSILE GIRL)
Oh look, maybe she can help.
(approaches MISSILE GIRL.)

MISSILE GIRL
FOR IN THE LAND OF OPEN SPACE,
THE HUMAN RACE, ELECTION DAY.
BIG STORES, BIG PRISONS, ALL CONSPIRE
TO MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND.

TRISTAN
Excuse me.

MISSILE GIRL
(apparently doesn't notice TRISTAN yet.)
OH, I DESPISE AMERICA . . .

TRISTAN
Hello?

(MISSILE GIRL seems to be aware of TRISTAN's presence now and alternates between singing and quick, but friendly, responses.)

MISSILE GIRL
AMERICA . . .
(to TRISTAN)
Hello.
(sings)
AMERICA . . .

TRISTAN
I was just wondering . . .

MISSILE GIRL
(to TRISTAN)
Yes?
(sings)
OH, I DESPISE AMERICA . . .

TRISTAN
I mean I don't mean to interrupt – you have a lovely voice, by the way . . .

MISSILE GIRL
(to TRISTAN)
Thank you.
(sings)
AMERICA, USA.

TRISTAN
But I was wondering . . .

(MISSILE GIRL has finished singing for now and devotes her full attention to TRISTAN.)

MISSILE GIRL
Yes?

TRISTAN
if you could tell me . . .

MISSILE GIRL
Yes?

TRISTAN
where I am . . . exactly.?

MISSILE GIRL
Hm. I don't know if I should.

TRISTAN
Oh, I understand.
(indicates missile)
Is it painful?

MISSILE GIRL
You learn to live.

TRISTAN
Gosh, well how did it happen? If you don't mind my asking.

MISSILE GIRL
Oh, you know. You walk around, living your life, then one day, you cross paths with the wrong people and they drop a bomb on your head.

TRISTAN
That's terrible.

MISSILE GIRL
Yes. And if they decide to detonate, well . . .

(MISSILE GIRL makes an explosion sound.)

TRISTAN
Well, I wouldn't want that to happen.

MISSILE GIRL
No.

TRISTAN
Well, I guess I'll be moving along then.

MISSILE GIRL
Thank you for your support.

(TRISTAN starts to exit, stage right. MISSILE GIRL resumes her singing.)

MISSILE GIRL (cont.)
OH, I DESPISE AMERICA.
AMERICA. AMERICA . . .

(TRISTAN stops and turns back to MISSILE GIRL.)

TRISTAN
Oh, one more thing . . .

MISSILE GIRL
Yes?

TRISTAN
I mean I don’t want to get you into trouble or anything . . .

MISSILE GIRL
Yes?

TRISTAN
but could you tell me how to get out of here?

MISSILE GIRL
Oh. Well. The same way you got in, I suppose.

TRISTAN
(not sure she understands)
Oh. All right. Well, thank you, I guess.

MISSILE GIRL
Mm hm.

(TRISTAN exits, stage right. MISSILE GIRL watches her go, then resumes her singing.)

MISSILE GIRL (cont.)
OH, I DESPISE AMERICA.
AMERICA. AMERICA.
OH, I DESPISE AMERICA.
AMERICA, USA.

(LIGHT FADES on MISSILE GIRL as she's finishing her song. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on four to six, male and female SINGERS.)

(At the end of many scenes, a singer or singers will sing a stand-alone song. They may either be standing with the band, if the band is facing the audience, or standing stage right or someplace else. Probably not stage left.)

SINGERS
ARRIVEDERCI, A MI AMORÉ,
A MI AMORE.
ARRIVEDERCI, A MI AMORÉ,
A MI AMORE.
ARRIVEDERCI, ARRIVEDERCI,
A MI AMORÉ.
ARRIVEDERCI, ARRIVEDERCI,
A MI AMORE.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 1
scene 4


OUTSIDE

(SWEEPER, in work clothes and orange safety vest, is sweeping with a push broom. WHIP MAN, in a suit, watches SWEEPER closely and writes things down on a clipboard every once in awhile. SWEEPER bends over to pick something up. WHIP MAN goes over, pushes him to the ground, then takes out a whip and starts whipping him.
TRISTAN rushes in, stage left.)

TRISTAN
Stop that! What are you doing? My God!

(POLICE OFFICER enters, stage left. TRISTAN rushes to him and points to WHIP MAN.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Officer! Officer! Arrest that man!

(POLICE OFFICER goes over to WHIP MAN and SWEEPER.)

POLICE OFFICER
All right. Break it up, you two.
(pulls SWEEPER up by the collar.)
Why'd ya do it, Lefty?

(SWEEPER is not played by the same actor who played SCRUFFY MAN, nor do they physically resemble one another.)

TRISTAN
Not him!
(points to WHIP MAN)
Him!

(POLICE OFFICER is confused.)

WHIP MAN
That's all right, officer. Good work.

(POLICE OFFICER lets SWEEPER go.
WHIP MAN cheerfully addresses SWEEPER.)

WHIP MAN (cont.)
All right. Back to work.

(SWEEPER picks up his broom and starts sweeping again. WHIP MAN watches over him again. POLICE OFFICER starts to exit, stage left.)

TRISTAN
(upset)
Wait a minute.

(POLICE OFFICER stops.)

WHIP MAN
What.

TRISTAN
You beat this poor man, then go on as if nothing's happened?

WHIP MAN
Not at all. Our workfare participant has just learned an important lesson on the value of an honest day’s work.

(SWEEPER and POLICE OFFICER nod.)

TRISTAN
By beating him?

WHIP MAN
When people fall they need a little incentive to get back up again.

TRISTAN
Get back up! You pushed him!

WHIP MAN
No, I didn't.

TRISTAN
Yes you did! I saw you!

WHIP MAN
I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. Besides, our workfare participant is free to leave the program whenever he wants to.
(to audience)
After all, this is still America.

WHEN MY FATHER WAS A YOUNG BOY,
HE SAILED THE SEVEN SEAS
IN SEARCH OF FREEDOM AND OF GOLD

A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.

SWEEPER AND
POLICE OFFICER
A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.

WHIP MAN
AND WHEN HE FOUND AMERICA,
HE KNEW THAT HE COULD BE
A MAN OF SUBSTANCE, GOALS AND DREAMS

A WIFE, A HOME, A FAMILY.

SWEEPER AND
POLICE OFFICER
A WIFE, A HOME, A FAMILY.
THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.

WHIP MAN
BUT NOW, IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.

SWEEPER AND
POLICE OFFICER
IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.

WHIP MAN
IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.

SWEEPER AND
POLICE OFFICER
IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.

WHIP MAN
WHEN YOUR BODY STARTS A SHAKIN'
AND YOUR FEVER STARTS A BREAKIN',
THEN YOU KNOW THAT
IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.

TRISTAN
Wait a minute. What does whipping a, a workfare participant have to do with the Cold War?

WHIP MAN
Well, you know, when Communism fell, it knocked the wind out of the Communist-inspired or supported or whatever American welfare system.

TRISTAN
What?

WHIP MAN
WHEN THE SOVIET UNION DIED

SWEEPER AND
POLICE OFFICER
WHEN THE SOVIET UNION DIED

WHIP MAN
AND ROOSEVELT WELFARE, TOO

SWEEPER AND
POLICE OFFICER
AND ROOSEVELT WELFARE, TOO

TRISTAN
BUT WE STILL HAVE SOCIAL SECURITY
AND PENSION PLANS AS A SURETY.
ISN'T THAT COMMUNIST THEORY, TOO.

WHIP MAN
THAT'S COMMUNIST THEORY
FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS.

SWEEPER AND
POLICE OFFICER
THAT'S COMMUNIST THEORY
FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS.

WHIP MAN
SO THAT'S OK.

SWEEPER AND
POLICE OFFICER
SO THAT'S OK.

(SWEEPER points to POLICE OFFICER on "that's OK.")

WHIP MAN
BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO THE POOREST,
THEN YOU'D BETTER JOIN THE CHORUS
AND JUST SAY THAT
IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.

SO, JUMP DOWN. TURN AROUND.
PICK A BALE OF COTTON.
HAA!
(cracks whip on spoken "haa!")
JUMP DOWN. TURN AROUND.
PICK A BALE ALL DAY.
(gets down on one knee and spreads hands like Al Jolson, but doesn't sound like him)
OH, MAMMY!

POLICE OFFICER
(to SWEEPER, handing him the broom)
PICK A BALE OF COTTON.

WHIP MAN
OH, MAMMY!

POLICE OFFICER
(to SWEEPER, twirling nightstick)
PICK A BALE ALL DAY.

(SWEEPER starts sweeping until WHIP MAN links elbows with him and starts dancing him around an axis like in a square dance.)

WHIP MAN
ME AND MY PARTNER CAN
PICK A BALE OF COTTON.
HAA!
(cracks whip on spoken "haa!", then links their other elbows and dances around in the other direction)
ME AND MY PARTNER CAN
PICK A BALE ALL DAY.
(unlinks from SWEEPER and kneels down like Jolson again)
OH, MAMMY!

POLICE OFFICER
(to SWEEPER, pushing him down on one knee)
PICK A BALE OF COTTON.

TRISTAN
I'm reporting this to the authorities.

WHIP MAN
(to TRISTAN)
Sorry, I'm busy!

OH, MAMMY!

POLICE OFFICER
(to SWEEPER, pushing SWEEPER's hands up like WHIP MAN's with his nightstick)
PICK A BALE ALL DAY.

(WHIP MAN rises, pulling a slightly dazed SWEEPER up also.)

WHIP MAN
(to TRISTAN)
Look! I'm helping him get back on his feet!

(WHIP MAN links elbows with SWEEPER and they exit kick dancing, stage left. POLICE OFFICER follows them, not dancing, but nodding his approval.)

WHIP MAN (cont.)
WE'RE GOING DOWNTOWN
TO PICK A BALE OF COTTON.
HAA!
(cracks whip on spoken "haa!")
WE'RE GOING DOWNTOWN
TO PICK A BALE ALL DAY.
HAAAA!
(cracks whip off-stage on spoken "haaaa!")

TRISTAN
(to self, looking towards stage left exit)
Well, that was unfortunate, but I must keep pressing forward. And I think I might have meant Socialist, not Communist, theory.
(to audience)
See what happens when you don't go to grad school.
(to self)
Oh, and I forgot to ask them how to get out of here.
(A push broom is tossed from off-stage left to TRISTAN's feet. She picks it up, silently reads a tag that's attached to the handle, then sourly relates to the audience what was on the tag.)
Socialist broom stick.
(tosses the broom back, stage left, then addresses the person who threw it, off-stage left)
No thanks! Roosevelt had the WPA program, remember? They were inclusive, not punitive!
(sighs, then to self)
Well, I guess I should keep pressing forward then.

(TRISTAN starts to exit, stage left, but thinks better of it and exits, stage right. The LIGHTS FADE as she exits and the MUSIC begins. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER.)

SINGER
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME CRY
YOU'D BETTER SHUT THE DOOR,
CUZ I FEEL THAT I'M ABOUT
TO START JUST LIKE BEFORE.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T SEE
WHEN I AM FEELING BLUE,
CUZ WHEN YOU'RE DOWN
YOU KNOW THAT I
AM RIGHT DOWN THERE WITH YOU.

IT'S NOT SOMETHING
I LIKE TO SAY.
BUT WHEN I FEEL SAD
IN THIS OLD WAY.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT MEAN OR CRUEL
YOU JUST SAY WHAT YOU SAY.
IT'S JUST THAT I DO SOMETIMES WISH
MY LIFE COULD GO ANOTHER WAY.

SO IF LOVE
IS SOMETHING IN
WHICH YOU DO NOT BELIEVE.
AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME CRY . . .
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME CRY . . .
THEN YOU'D BETTER SHUT THE DOOR OR LEAVE.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 1
scene 5


OUTSIDE

(TRISTAN enters, stage left.)

TRISTAN
Hm. I don't seem to be getting anyplace. If only the people down here were more helpful. I'm sure I'd be much further along.

(Four DUCKS enter, stage right. TRISTAN sees them.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Oh look, maybe they can help.
(to DUCKS)
Excuse me, excuse me. Could you please tell me where I am?

(The DUCKS stop.)

DUCK 1
Why of course. You're in . . .

DUCKS
YOU'RE IN BEAVERTOWN, CALIFORNIA.
YOU'RE IN BEAVERTOWN, USA.
YOU'RE IN BEAVERTOWN, CALIFORNIA.
YOU'RE IN BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN,
BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN.

BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN,
BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN.

BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN,
BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN.

TRISTAN
Oh. Well. Where are the beavers then?

DUCK 1
Why would you want to see a beaver when you can see a duck?

(DUCKS do a "ta da" pose. Maybe they say "ta da," too.)

TRISTAN
But why would I want to see a duck at all?

DUCK 1
Oh. Well ducks are . . .

TRISTAN
Yes?

DUCK 1
are . . .

TRISTAN
Yes?

DUCK 2
Wonderful!

DUCK 3
Fabulous!

DUCK 4
Amazing!

TRISTAN
(skeptical)
Amazing.

DUCK 1
(laughing gently)
Yes, yes. Amazing. Amazing.

TRISTAN
What's so amazing about ducks?

DUCK 1
Well, they can . . .

TRISTAN
Yes?

DUCK 1
can . . .

TRISTAN
Yes?

DUCK 2
Sit on top of the water!

DUCK 3
Swim in straight lines!

DUCK 4
They can fly!
(spreads her wings and runs around like she's flying)
Whee!

(5-10 or more DUCKS enter, stage left, as the MUSIC begins. Maybe DUCKS can file across the stage in opposing directions like in a shooting gallery at some point. Also, maybe it would be good if this song sounded like a chorus was singing it.)

DUCKS
DUCKS, DUCKS, DUCKS.
SO HAPPY AND PEACEFUL ARE WE.
DUCKS, DUCKS, DUCKS.
CONTENTED AND LOVING AND FREE.
IN OUR WORLD
THERE NEVER IS WORRY OR FEAR.
WE GLIDE O'ER THE WATER,
OUR SONS AND OUR DAUGHTERS
SWIM IN A STRAIGHT LINE AT OUR TAILS.
A QUACK OR TWO AS WE ASSAIL

DUCK 2
(to TRISTAN, in passing)
Quack quack.

DUCK 3
(to TRISTAN, in passing)
Quack quack.

DUCK 4
(to TRISTAN, in passing)
Quack quack.

ALL DUCKS
NUTS, BUGS, BREAD.
THE APPLES OF OUR ROVING EYES.
IN OUR HEADS,
THE HEAVENLY MORSELS WE PRIZE.
WATCH US SWOON
AS WE SETTLE DOWN TO OUR MEALS.
WITH LOVING EMBRACES,
WE SCOOP UP THE TRACES
OF KINDNESSES LEFT IN OUR TRAILS,
CONTENT FROM OUR HEADS TO OUR TAILS.

DUCK 2
(to TRISTAN, in passing)
Quack quack.

DUCK 3
(to TRISTAN, in passing)
Quack quack.

DUCK 4
(to TRISTAN, in passing)
Quack quack.

TRISTAN
Well, that's all very well for all of you. But what about me?

(Maybe during an instrumental interlude and buildup, the DUCKS can spread out in a formal pattern across the stage for the start of this next verse, standing with their wings raised at their sides like they're addressing the audience, maybe even in a V-pattern like ducks in flight. Then they individually start falling out of the formation as the verse progresses and do whatever they were doing before.)

DUCKS
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.
THE WORDS THAT ALL DUCKS LOVE TO SAY.
OFF OUR BACKS,
EACH DROPLET OF RAIN ROLLS AWAY.
IN A GROOVE,
OUR LIVES COULDN'T BE MORE SERENE.
WHEN WINTER APPROACHES
AND DARKNESS ENCROACHES,
WE FLY OFF LIKE BIRDS ON A WING.
INSTINCTIVELY KNOWING
WHERE WE SHOULD BE GOING.
WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR IN SPRING.

TRISTAN
But what about me?

(DUCKS start filing out, stage left.)

DUCKS
(softly)
DUCKS, DUCKS, DUCKS.
SO HAPPY AND PEACEFUL ARE WE.
DUCKS, DUCKS, DUCKS.
CONTENTED AND LOVING AND FREE . . .

TRISTAN
How do I get out of here?

DUCKS
(softly)
IN OUR WORLD,
THERE NEVER IS WORRY OR FEAR.

(DUCK 1 hands TRISTAN a sheet of paper in passing.)

DUCKS (cont.)
WE GLIDE O'ER THE WATER,
OUR SONS AND OUR DAUGHTERS
SWIM IN A STRAIGHT LINE AT OUR TAILS.
A QUACK OR TWO AS WE ASSAIL . . .

DUCK 4
(to TRISTAN, over her shoulder as she exits)
Quack quack.

(TRISTAN stands watching the DUCKS exit. DUCK 4 was the last.)

TRISTAN
(to self)
Well, singing’s nice, but I think I need something more.
(looks at paper)
Maybe this will help.
(reads)
Keep your head above water.
(to self)
Well, I guess that's kind of a common sense thing to say.
(reads)
Beware of decoys.
(to self)
Huh. I wonder why they'd say that?
(reads)
Ducks are quadra-amphibious.

(Four to six PIGEONS enter, stage right. They stand, stage right, observing TRISTAN, who doesn't see them yet. TRISTAN continues speaking to herself.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Quadra-amphibious. Four-amphibious? Let's see. Walking, swimming, flying . . . floating? I don't know.

(PIGEON 1 approaches TRISTAN.)

PIGEON 1
That's right. Cuz you ain't no duck, chicky.

(TRISTAN hears, but hasn't seen, PIGEON 1 yet.)

TRISTAN
Oh yeah? Well, I ain't no chicky,
(turns to address PIGEON 1)
pigeon.

PIGEON 2
She ain't no nuthin'.

PIGEON 3
Strange bird.

TRISTAN
I'm not a bird. I'm a young woman.

PIGEON 1
A young woman.

TRISTAN
That's right. A young woman, you pigeon-bastard.

(PIGEONS start cackling to each other.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Would you stop that? My God, you pigeons are annoying.

(PIGEON 1 gets the others to stifle their laughter.)

PIGEON 1
(mock innocent)
Pigeons? But we're not pigeons. We're young women!

(PIGEONS laugh and start to mockingly act like young women.)

TRISTAN
(to self)
So rude.

(TRISTAN starts to exit.)

PIGEON 1
Wait! Don't you want to hear our song?

TRISTAN
No!

PIGEON 1
Wait! Don't you want to hear me play the harmonica?

(TRISTAN stops, then turns around to set him straight.)

TRISTAN
Pigeons cannot play the harmonica.

(PIGEON 1 looks confidently at TRISTAN.)

OTHER PIGEONS
(separately)
He can! He can!

TRISTAN
You need lips to play the harmonica.
(points to her lips)
Lips! Lips!

OTHER PIGEONS
(separately)
He can! He can!
(to PIGEON 1, separately)
Show her! Show her!

(TRISTAN comes over to PIGEON 1 who takes out a harmonica and brings it to his beak.)

PIGEON 1
(to TRISTAN)
Ready?

TRISTAN
It's your funeral.

(PIGEON 1 almost begins, then stops.)

PIGEON 1
(to TRISTAN)
Prepare to be amazed.

TRISTAN
Just do it.

(PIGEON 1 commences with a pathetic series of pecks and stray notes. When he's finished, he waits for what he's sure will be a complimentary response from TRISTAN, but TRISTAN is not impressed at all.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Give me that.

(TRISTAN snatches the harmonica from PIGEON 1 and begins a soulful rendition of "MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME." She stops briefly and looks up at PIGEON 1.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Lips. Lips.

(TRISTAN continues with her soulful rendition, but PIGEON 1 can't stand being shown up and snatches his harmonica back. TRISTAN is unperturbed.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
And that's how you play the harmonica.

PIGEON 1
You think you're pretty clever, don't you.

TRISTAN
(fake modesty)
No. I just did what any 6-year-old child could do.
(for the other PIGEONS)
A human child, that is.

(The other PIGEONS start grumbling. PIGEON 1 goes over to them. They confer, then PIGEON 1 returns to TRISTAN.)

PIGEON 1
(spoken)
THINK YOU'RE PRETTY CLEVER,
BRIGHTER THAN THE SKY.
WHEN TROUBLE REARS ITS UGLY HEAD,
YOU PUNCH IT IN THE EYE.

(The other PIGEONS start circling around TRISTAN.)

TRISTAN
Remember, you were mean to me first.

PIGEON 1
(spoken)
FIRST OR SECOND, THIRD OR LAST,
IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING.
FOR WHEN YOU'VE CROSSED A PIGEON'S PATH,
(sung)
YOU'LL FEEL THE CRUSH OF A PIGEON'S WING.

PIGEONS
THE PIGEONS ARE GONNA GETCHA,
IF YOU DON'T WATCH OUT.
(COO, COO, COO.)
THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE OUT, YOU BETCHA,
YOU'RE GONNA WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT.
(OH, OH, OH!)
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT,
YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE DRIVIN' RAIN.
(YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!)

(A different PIGEON pelts TRISTAN with an exploding bag of white pigeon poop with each "yeah.")

PIGEONS (cont.)
DON'T GIVE US YOUR POO
CUZ YOU KNOW YOU
WILL BE GETTING IT BACK AGAIN.

(A PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)

PIGEONS (cont.)
AND AGAIN.

(Another PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)

PIGEONS (cont.)
AND AGAIN.

(Another PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)

PIGEONS (cont.)
AND AGAIN.

TRISTAN
YOU KNOW, HEY, I'M REALLY SORRY.
I SHOULD HAVE JUST CUT AND RUN.

(PIGEONS fake a group bombardment.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(spoken or sung-spoken)
(NO, NO, NO!)
(sung)
BUT WHEN YOU MADE FUN OF ME, WELL,
I HAD TO SHOW YOU ALL HOW IT WAS DONE.

(PIGEONS fake another bombardment.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(spoken or sung-spoken)
(PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!)
(sung)
I THINK THAT YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.
IT WAS ENVY, I JUST HAVE TO SAY.

(PIGEONS start making bombardment motions again with TRISTAN going into a defensive crouch.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(spoken)
(NOT IN THE FACE.)

(But this time, the PIGEONS mercilessly bomb TRISTAN with the exploding bags. Maybe near the end, some of the PIGEONS make bombing noises when they throw their bags. After they're finished, TRISTAN looks sheepishly up from her crouching position. The area of her clean protected face is clearly demarcated from the rest of her white-goo-covered body.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(sung)
SO IF IT PLEASE YOU WELL,
I GUESS THAT I'LL JUST
BE GOING ON MY OWN WAY.

PIGEON 1
(mock conciliatory)
Well, she does seem repentant.

PIGEON 2
(mock conciliatory)
And we did slightly disparage her in the beginning.

(A CHILD PIGEON enters, stage right. He runs up to TRISTAN and holds out a towel.)

TRISTAN
Is that for me?

(CHILD PIGEON starts to hand TRISTAN the towel, then pulls it away.)

CHILD PIGEON
No.

(He scampers to the adult PIGEONS who laugh approvingly.)

PIGEON 1
Well, our work is done here. Come along, piggies, let's leave this young woman to think about what's just happened here.

(PIGEONS exit, stage left)

PIGEON 2
Pigeons rule!

PIGEON 3
Pigeon stool!

(PIGEONS exit laughing. TRISTAN rises. Maybe her goo-covered body with her still-clean face makes her look a little like a bird, but she doesn't play this up.)

TRISTAN
Oh, what a nasty world this is.

(MUSIC starts as four to six male and female SINGERS enter, stage right, with buckets of water, sponges and mops. They dump the water over TRISTAN and quickly clean her off and mop up the excess water as they sing.)

SINGERS
CHILL, BRO, CHILL.
IT'S NOT SUCH A VERY BIG OF A DEAL.
WE FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL.
SO CHILL, BRO, CHILL.

KEEP IT REAL.
ALL WOUNDS WILL EVENTUALLY HEAL.
WE FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL.
SO CHILL, BRO, CHILL.

(SINGERS exit, stage right. TRISTAN considers her present condition, then starts exiting as well, stage right.)

TRISTAN
(to off-stage SINGERS)
Hey, how about a towel? And I'm not a bro, I'm a "sista!"

(As TRISTAN is exiting, the LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC for the next song begins. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a male or female SINGER.)

SINGER
ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
BUT THEY DON’T LOOK HAPPY,
LIKE THEY'RE JUST FINISHING UP
WITH A GOD DAMN, KNOCKDOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT.
OR IS IT JUST ME,
KINDA UGLY AND FREE,
SUCKING ALL THE AIR OUT OF SIGHT?
CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

BUT HONEY, I DON'T CARE.
LIFE'S UNFAIR.
FULL OF ANGER AND STRIFE.
AND WHAT DOES IT MATTER
SINCE YOU DON'T LOVE ME, ANYWAY?
BUT IF YOU HELD MY HAND,
I COULD FEEL
A DIFFERENT KIND OF BEAUTY INSIDE.
AND TO FEEL THAT FEELING
WOULD BE GOOD, I THINK.

CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
BUT THEY DON'T LOOK HAPPY,
LIKE THEY'RE JUST FINISHING UP
WITH A GOD DAMN, KNOCKDOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT.
OR IS IT JUST ME,
KINDA UGLY AND FREE,
SUCKING ALL THE AIR OUT OF SIGHT?
CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
AND ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT THERE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 2
scene 1


SEBASTIAN’S ROOM. Very messy.

(SEBASTIAN, a teenage boy, sleeps in his bed. His SISTER enters, stage right, and is disgusted by both the mess and her lazy brother. She goes over to SEBASTIAN, takes out an air horn can and lets loose an ear-splitting blast. SEBASTIAN is startled awake.)

SEBASTIAN
I'm up! I'm up!

SISTER
How can you live like this?

(SEBASTIAN falls back into bed again.)

SEBASTIAN
Like what.

(SISTER lets loose another blast and SEBASTIAN is startled again.)

SISTER
(picks up various items)
Like this! And this! You can't just close your eyes to some things in this world, Sebastian!

(SISTER throws the items on SEBASTIAN.)

SEBASTIAN
(starting to relax again)
Would you please?

(SISTER lets loose another blast and SEBASTIAN reacts again.)

SISTER
Get with the program, Sebastian!

SEBASTIAN
What program?

SISTER
The Clean-Up-Your-Room Program, Sebastian! The Clean-Up-Your-Room!

(The MUSIC starts as SEBASTIAN groans, then rolls face down into his pillow. SISTER throws up her hands, then yanks her brother out of bed to set him straight with her sisterly rap song.)

SISTER
WELL, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA ZOOM-A
WHEN YOU CLEAN-A UP YOUR ROOM-A
CUZ YOU'RE CUTTIN' OUT THE TUMA IN YOUR HEAD.
HA!
(hits him on the head on "ha")
CUZ THE FILTH IS HITTIN' CRISIS
AND YOU'RE KNOWIN' WHAT THE VICE IS,
(snatches up pillow)
WHEN THE MOLD BENEATH YOUR PILLOW
STARTS TO SHED.
YUK!
(tosses pillow at SEBASTIAN on "yuk")

SEBASTIAN
HEY, BIG SISSA, DON'T BE STRESSIN'.
LITTLE BRUDA BE ADDRESSIN'
ACCUSATIONS OF THE MESS IN THIS HERE ROOM.
YA!
(flicks fingers in SISTER's face like casting a spell on "ya")
TROOT, YOU BE A-GUILIN'.
LITTLE DIRT WON'T HURT MY STYLIN'.
WHEN I'M HERE, I'M JUST A-SMILIN'. IT'S DA BOOM.
ZA!

(SEBASTIAN flicks fingers in SISTER's face on "za." A teen boy, hip-hop-like, CHORUS LINE enters dancing, stage right.)

CHORUS LINE
BOOM. BOOM BOOM.
DA BOOM. BOOM BOOM.
DA BOOM. BOOM BOOM.
DA BOOM.

BOOM. BOOM BOOM.
DA BOOM. BOOM BOOM.
DA BOOM. BOOM BOOM.
DA BOOM.

SISTER
WELL, THE TRUTH I AIN'T NO MEAN ONE.
CUZ YOU KNOW THAT I'M THE CLEAN ONE.
DIDN'T MEAN NO DISRESPECT FOR WHAT YOU SAID.
BOO!
(flicks fingers in SEBASTIAN's face on "boo")
YOU MAY THINK I'M KINDA SCREWY,
(shakes socks in SEBASTIAN's face)
BUT YOUR SOCKS ARE GETTIN' CHEWY.
AND YO MAMA'S YELLIN' SOOEY IN YOUR HEAD.
CHECK IT OUT, HAA!

(SPOTLIGHT reveals MOTHER to be looking down on the proceedings from a position above the rear of the stage.)

MOTHER
SOOEY!
SOOEY!
SOOEY!
HERE, PIG, PIG, PIG, PIG.

(MOTHER squeals and snorts like a pig, then her SPOTLIGHT FADES.)

SEBASTIAN
WELL, BIG SIS, I SEE DA ERRA
OF MY WAYS. YOU WAS DA BEARA
OF GOOD NEWS.
SO I'LL BE CLEANIN' RIGHT AWAY.
YA!
(flicks fingers at SISTER on "ya")

SISTER
WELL, DON'T KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST YA.
BUT, LITTLE BRO, DON'T WANNA BUST YA.
SO I'LL LEAVE YOU NOW
WITH JUST THESE WORDS TO SAY.
WOOOO!

(SISTER and CHORUS LINE exit, stage right.)

SISTER AND
CHORUS LINE
(to SEBASTIAN, jeering)
PIG STY!
PIG STY!
PIG STY!

(SPOTLIGHT shines on MOTHER again.)

MOTHER
HERE, PIG, PIG, PIG, PIG.

(MOTHER squeals and snorts like a pig, then her SPOTLIGHT FADES.

SEBASTIAN starts to clean, but soon he notices his nice soft bed. He is torn between the two, but the bed wins and he blissfully flops back into it.)

SEBASTIAN
(sighs)
I'll finish later.

(SEBASTIAN climbs under the covers and goes back to sleep. After a few moments, a wet TRISTAN enters, stage right. She stops, stage right.)

TRISTAN
I guess it was nice of those singers to clean me up like that, but they left me all wet and everything. And who knows what was in those buckets.
(sniffs sleeve)
Probably twice-filtered poodle urine or something.
(stretches and yawns)
And I'm just so tired, too. My God.
(notices bed)
Oh look, a bed.
(goes to right side of bed, but doesn't see SEBASTIAN who's completely under the covers on the left side)
I wonder if I should . . .
(feels mattress)
Nice and soft.

(SEBASTIAN sighs and moves. TRISTAN pulls her hand back quickly and reacts with a loud whisper.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Oh, oh! There seems to be somebody in there!
(goes to SEBASTIAN's side of bed and pulls back the covers from his head)
It's a boy.
(peers under the covers at the rest of SEBASTIAN)
A teenage boy.
(lowers covers, then to audience)
I should probably go.
(starts to exit, stage right, then stops, then to self.)
On the other hand, I am tired.
(returns to SEBASTIAN's side of bed)
And he seems like such a sound sleeper.

(TRISTAN pokes SEBASTIAN who makes some noises which causes TRISTAN to react, but he doesn't wake up. She pokes him again. He sighs, but again doesn’t wake up.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(to audience.)
I guess it'll be OK.
(goes to the other side of the bed and starts to get in, but notices her wet clothes.)
I should probably get out of these wet clothes first.
(starts stripping down to her underwear)
I don't want to catch a cold.

(TRISTAN finishes undressing, then starts to get into bed again, but sees a T-shirt nearby. She picks it up, considers her situation, then puts it on. She crawls into bed, then lying on her back, closes her eyes, sighs, then falls blissfully asleep.

(After awhile, SEBASTIAN lets out a medium-sized SNORE. TRISTAN responds as if she's being aroused sexually, though she's still asleep.)

(A little later, SEBASTIAN lets out another medium-sized SNORE. TRISTAN again responds.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Oh yeah, baby.

(SEBASTIAN begins SNORING regularly now with each snore getting louder and more forceful. TRISTAN continues responding to each snore in a sexual manner with her volume and passion also rising.)

TRISTAN (cont., possible responses)
Oh yeah. Oo yeah. Mm, mm . . . That's it . . . Keep it coming, baby . . . Oh baby, hooray!

(SEBASTIAN's SNORES are rattling the rafters now and are coming on both his in and out breaths – amplify snores. Use recording, if necessary – as TRISTAN responds loudly and dramatically over the all-consuming snores.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Heavy SNORE! Smashing SNORE!
Heaving, seething, bashing SNORE!
Building, cracking, lashing SNORE!
Splitting, spitting, crashing . . . AH! . . . AH!

(TRISTAN has an enormous, bed-rocking orgasm as SISTER comes rushing into the room.)

SISTER
What the hell's going on here!
(rushes over to SEBASTIAN and starts shaking him)
Why aren't you cleaning up this room!

(SEBASTIAN is startled awake and starts screaming in confusion. TRISTAN is also awake and scrambles out of bed. She starts fumbling for her clothes, but SISTER rushes over to her.)

SISTER (cont.)
And you!

TRISTAN
(wide-eyed terror)
Ahhh . . .

SISTER
(grabs TRISTAN and starts shaking her)
Who the hell do you think you are! Climbing into my little brother's bed and doing God knows what!

TRISTAN
I, I, I, I . . .

(SISTER pushes TRISTAN away.)

SISTER
Go on! Go on! Trash! Filth! Garbage!

(TRISTAN starts to stumble out, stage right.)

SISTER (cont.)
Wait a minute!

(TRISTAN stops.)

SISTER (cont.)
Is that your shirt!
(closer when TRISTAN doesn't answer right away)
Is that your shirt!


TRISTAN
I, I . . .

SISTER
Well, don’t just stand there! Take it off!

(SISTER takes out her air horn can and gives TRISTAN a blast. TRISTAN reacts, then starts to take off the T-shirt until SISTER notices that TRISTAN is only wearing underwear underneath.)

SISTER (cont.)
Keep it! Keep it!

(TRISTAN stops taking off the T-shirt and starts backing out.)

TRISTAN
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm . . .

SISTER
You're, you're, you're, you're . . . We don't want to hear what you have to say! Just go! Go, go, go!

(SISTER gives TRISTAN a parting blast. TRISTAN reacts, then stumbles out, stage right. SISTER stands looking disapprovingly in the direction of TRISTAN's exit. Then after things have settled down a little . . . )

SEBASTIAN
Women dig lived-in rooms.

(SISTER throws up her hands, then begins exiting, stage right. As she exits, the LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC begins. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER.)

SINGER
THEY SAY THAT LIFE'S UNFAIR,
THAT LOVE'S A DIRTY GAME.
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT, OO OO.
THANK GOD, FOR SEX IN THE BRAIN.
IN THE BRAIN.
IN THE BRAIN.

WHEN YOU CAME HERE TO ME,
I KNEW THAT WE COULD BE
SO LIKE NO OTHER,
SO WITH EACH OTHER, OO OO,
IN LOVE, IN LIFE, IN THE GAME.
IN THE GAME.
N THE GAME.

THEN YOU DID SOMETHING BAD.
GAVE UP ALL THAT WE HAD.
NOW YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.
PLEASE GO AWAY, DEAR, OO OO,
AND LIVE YOUR LIFE IN THE RAIN.
IN THE RAIN.
IN THE RAIN.

THEY SAY THAT LIFE'S UNFAIR,
THAT LOVE'S A DIRTY GAME.
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT, OO OO.
THANK GOD FOR SEX IN THE BRAIN.
IN THE BRAIN.
IN THE BRAIN.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 2
scene 2


SEBASTIAN’S ROOM

(SEBASTIAN and HENNY, a teenage girl, lie in bed. They appear to be naked under the covers.)

SEBASTIAN
Well, you've done it again. Congratulations.

(HENNY shrugs.)

SEBASTIAN (cont.)
Oh, here . . .

(SEBASTIAN reaches over, gets two cans of soda and hands one to HENNY. They simultaneously open up their cans and take a drink. SEBASTIAN takes a big drink. HENNY, a small one. They lie silently for a little while, then SEBASTIAN sighs.)

HENNY
What's the matter?

SEBASTIAN
Oh, I don't know.

HENNY
Mm.

(HENNY takes another small drink.)

SEBASTIAN
You know, I'd always imagined it'd be different.

HENNY
You mean . . .

SEBASTIAN
Yeah.

HENNY
Mm. Well, you seemed happy.

SEBASTIAN
Oh, I was. I am. In my body.

(HENNY shrugs.)

HENNY
What else is there?

SEBASTIAN
In my mind, Henny! In my mind!

HENNY
Oh. Well. What's in your mind then?

SEBASTIAN
Oh. I can't say. It's too personal. Too intimate.

HENNY
(deadpan)
Tell me.

SEBASTIAN
(slightly squeamish)
I can't.

HENNY
(deadpan)
Tell me.

SEBASTIAN
(slightly squeamish)
I can't.

HENNY
(deadpan)
Tell me.

(SEBASTIAN struggles mightily before giving in.)

SEBASTIAN
All right! Now. Do you know how beautiful you are?

HENNY
Yes.

SEBASTIAN
Well, when we make love, I, Sebastian, would like to feel as beautiful as you look. Do you know what I mean?

(HENNY nods then shakes her head.)

SEBASTIAN (cont.)
OK. Let me put it another way. You said you knew how beautiful you are, right?

(HENNY nods.)

SEBASTIAN (cont.)
Well, when we were making love, so to speak, did you feel that I was as beautiful on the inside as you were on the outside.

(HENNY thinks it over.)

HENNY
No.

SEBASTIAN
Right. Why not.

HENNY
(mildly sarcastic)
I don't know.

SEBASTIAN
Right. Well . . .

HENNY
So what you're saying, Sebastian, is that you'd like to feel as beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside, right?

(SEBASTIAN thinks it over.)

SEBASTIAN
Right.

HENNY
So why, if this is the case, do you think you were not able to achieve this state of inner beauty.

(SEBASTIAN thinks it over.)

SEBASTIAN
I don't know.

HENNY
(patient, but firm)
Yes you do.

SEBASTIAN
No I don't.

HENNY
Yes you do.

(Maybe SEBASTIAN starts to find this funny.)

SEBASTIAN
No I don't.

(The LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC begins as SEBASTIAN and HENNY continue with their "yes you do/no I don't" exchange, though HENNY's "yes you do's" start to sound less formal and more like a teenage girl's. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER.)

SINGER
SOME PEOPLE YOU
JUST WANT TO SCREW
OR HAMMER OR NAIL AWAY.
WITH OTHERS YOU THINK,
IT MAY TAKE A DRINK
TO MAKE THEM LOOK SORT OF OK.

OH, WHY THE DISPARITY IN SEX APPEAL?
OH, WHY DO WE FEEL WHAT WE FEEL?
IT SEEMS THAT WE SHOULD
ONLY SLEEP WITH THE GOOD
AND LET THE BAD WITHER AWAY.

WITHER, OH WITHER, AWAY, AWAY.
WITHER, OH WITHER, AWAY.
IT SEEMS THAT WE SHOULD
ONLY SLEEP WITH THE GOOD
AND LET THE BAD WITHER AWAY.
OH, AND LET THE BAD WITHER AWAY.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 2
scene 3


BALLERINA WOMAN’S ROOM

(TIED MAN sits blindfolded with a sleeping mask, stage right. He is tied to a plain wooden chair with silk scarves, his legs spread wide. His chair faces stage left. BALLERINA WOMAN, dressed in a leotard, sits at a makeup table, stage left, that faces the audience. She's applying makeup while looking at herself in the table's mirrorless mirror frame. The audience can see her through the frame.)

TIED MAN
Can you please just tell me what you want? Tell me what you want and I'm sure we can work something out.

(BALLERINA WOMAN smiles to herself and continues applying makeup.)

TIED MAN (cont.)
Is it . . . is it something I did? Did I do something to upset you? Is that it?

(BALLERINA WOMAN pulls a "well, what do you know" face, then continues with her makeup. She appears to be making herself up as some sort of demented Sugar Plum Fairy. TIED MAN struggles to free himself, but finds it's useless.)

TIED MAN (cont.)
Do I know you? Is that it? Do I know you and did I offend you in some way?

(BALLERINA WOMAN finishes applying her makeup. She arranges her hair, then puts on a tiara or whatever. Meanwhile, TIED MAN is beginning to lose it a little.)

TIED MAN (cont.)
Please tell me. I mean, God, can't you just tell me what you want? I mean, what do you . . . what do you . . . why am I here? What have I done?

(BALLERINA WOMAN checks herself in the mirror and is satisfied so far. She then calmly puts on a pair of ballerina slippers while TIED MAN tries to regain his composure.)

TIED MAN (cont.)
Look, I'm not a wealthy man, OK? But, but you can have my car. And I have a few thousand in the bank. It's yours.
(waits for a response, but there is none)
And I think it's clear from what I've said so far that I don't know who you are, right? So just, just let me go, you can have it all and we can just forget this ever happened.
(tries a reassuring chuckle)
OK?
(chuckles again, but after no response, a little desperation creeps into his voice.)
OK?

(BALLERINA WOMAN smiles to herself, delighted at the effect she's having. She stands and puts on her tutu. TIED MAN hears her get up.)

TIED MAN (cont.)
What. Was that you? Are, are you still here? Hello? Why won't you answer me?

(BALLERINA WOMAN turns on a music device and positions herself in a ballerina pose.)

TIED MAN (cont.)
Listen! Just tell me what you want! Who are you! What do you want!

(When the DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY music begins, BALLERINA WOMAN commences to dance her way across the stage while singing along with the melody. Meanwhile, TIED MAN is appalled at what he’s hearing, but continues trying to bargain his way out.)

TIED MAN (cont.)
Oh my God. Who are you? Why are you doing this? I, I can help you. The finest doctors. Season tickets to the ballet. Anything!
(starts crying)
Oh God. Please! Please! Just let me go. I won't tell anyone. It's all yours. I have nothing, but it's all yours! Please! Please!

(But BALLERINA WOMAN is determined. She's within striking distance now and with one fell swoop, on the final note, she lunges with one hand toward TIED MAN's testicles. The LIGHTS FADE as she's swooping, so we don't actually see the grab, but a terrible crunching sound is heard in the darkness, followed by the agonized scream of TIED MAN.)



ACT 2
scene 4


STAGE

(In the darkness, the opening drumbeats of Thus Spake Zarathustra are heard. Suddenly, on a big screen above the stage, an ATTRACTIVE FEMALE in a very low-cut dress appears as a SPOTLIGHT reveals three male SINGERS on the stage below gazing up reverently at the larger-than-life spectacle.)

SINGERS
BOOB BOTTOMS.

(The camera gracefully zooms in on the ATTRACTIVE FEMALE's boob bottoms accompanied by futuristic swooshing sounds. The SINGERS then repeatedly sing "boob bottoms" as subsequent ATTRACTIVE FEMALES appear on the screen in boob-bottom-accentuating attire.)

(Suddenly, the SINGERS stop their singing as magical twinkling notes are heard as we are treated to an awe-inspiring, bottom or side view, journey that goes across a pair of perfectly-formed boob bottoms, moving slowly from left to right. The boob bottoms are set off against a rich black background. When we reach the other side, a magical buildup of cymbals or the Zarathustra drums are heard, followed by a final, heartfelt "boob bottoms" by the male SINGERS.)

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 2
scene 5


BALLERINA WOMAN’S ROOM

The sleeping mask is on the seat of TIED MAN's chair. Some silk scarves are tied to the chair while others are on the floor at its base or trail out to the stage right exit.

(TRISTAN enters, stage right.)

TRISTAN
Well, I didn't get much sleep back there,
(feels hair)
but I think I'm pretty dry now.
(stands stage right, feels T-shirt)
And I got this nice shirt, too.
(looks over the room)
Hm. I don't see any beds,
(sees TIED MAN's chair)
but maybe I can sit for awhile.
(tries out chair)
Mm. Well, this chair isn't very comfortable.

(TRISTAN reaches underneath her and pulls out the sleeping mask. She puts it on, then puts her hands behind the chair's back and her feet close to the chair's legs as if she's tied to it. She moves her head around like she's looking around, but isn't sure if this suits her.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
I don't know.
(removes the mask, then goes to the makeup table and tries out that chair.)
Oh yes, this is much nicer. And look, I've got a table, too.

(TRISTAN looks over the makeup items on the table. She takes up a powder pad or something, studies her face in the mirror, then starts applying powder or something.

Soon, BALLERINA WOMAN enters, stage left, behind TRISTAN. She looks normal now with regular hair, makeup and clothes. She carries a baby in a blanket. She stands, center stage towards the rear, then speaks nonchalantly.)

BALLERINA WOMAN
Oh, is he gone?

(TRISTAN, caught unawares, stops applying makeup in midstroke. But she doesn't want to appear out of place, so without turning around, she tries a low-key response.)

TRISTAN
He wasn't here when I got here.

BALLERINA WOMAN
(sighs)
Oh well. That's OK.
(considers)
I don't need him.

(TRISTAN turns to look at BALLERINA WOMAN. TRISTAN indicates the baby.)

TRISTAN
Is that . . .

BALLERINA WOMAN
(slight laugh)
Oh yeah. Who needs him though.
(gives TRISTAN a mysterious smile)
Right?

TRISTAN
(shrugs, then mumbles)
I don't need him.

(BALLERINA WOMAN laughs slightly, then appraises TRISTAN and addresses her with a slightly teasing question, almost a challenge.)

BALLERINA WOMAN
Wanna hold my baby?

TRISTAN
Oh, no thank you.

BALLERINA WOMAN
(a little softer, slightly assuring)
Come on.

TRISTAN
Well . . .

(TRISTAN goes over to BALLERINA WOMAN who places her baby in TRISTAN's arms. TRISTAN gazes into the baby's face. She's beginning to fall under the baby's spell and speaks softly.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
She's very nice.

BALLERINA WOMAN
(small laugh)
Yeah, but he's a boy.

TRISTAN
Oh . . .

(BALLERINA WOMAN studies TRISTAN some more, then moves closer and speaks more intimately.)

BALLERINA WOMAN
He likes you.

(But TRISTAN is a little lost in the baby experience and doesn't respond. After a little while, BALLERINA WOMAN moves closer to TRISTAN. She gently touches TRISTAN's arm and speaks intimately, almost in a whisper.)

BALLERINA WOMAN (cont.)
Would you mind watching him while I go fix him a bottle?

TRISTAN
(not looking up, barely hearing her)
Uh, sure . . .

(The LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC begins as BALLERINA WOMAN exits, stage left, and TRISTAN continues gazing into the baby's face. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER.)

SINGER
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL
OF JUST TWENTY-THREE,
MY FRIENDS ALL GOT MARRIED AND LIVED HAPPILY.
THEY RAISED THEIR YOUNG FAMILIES
IN LIVES FILLED WITH JOY.
A BIG HOUSE, A NICE JOB, OH BOY.

LOOK. SEE. SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME,
HER EYES FILLED WITH STARLIGHT,
A WONDER TO SEE.
HER FACE IS SO LOVELY,
SHE MUST BE BRAND NEW.
BUT NOBODY APPRECIATES MY BABY.
BUT NOBODY APPRECIATES MY BABY.

IT HAPPENED, IN AN INSTANT,
AT TWENTY AND FOUR.
WE WERE TO BE MARRIED, THE MAN I ADORE.
BUT AS THE DAY DREW NEAR,
HE STARTED TO ROAM
AND I WAS LEFT ALL ON MY OWN.

LOOK. SEE. SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME,
HER EYES FILLED WITH STARLIGHT,
A WONDER TO SEE.
HER FACE IS SO LOVELY,
SHE MUST BE BRAND NEW.
BUT NOBODY APPRECIATES MY BABY.
BUT NOBODY APPRECIATES MY BABY.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 2
scene 6


OUTSIDE

(TRISTAN enters, stage right, carrying BALLERINA WOMAN's baby in a blanket. A baby bag is slung over her shoulder and she holds a sheet of paper in her hand.)

TRISTAN
(half to herself, half to the baby)
Oh, baby baby, I don't know if I'm ready to take care of you.
(stops, stage right, and shows the baby the sheet of paper)
But your mama left this note saying that I should, so . . .

(Four to six WOMEN carrying babies in blankets enter talking, stage left. They stop, stage left, and continue their conversation. They apparently don't see TRISTAN yet.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Oh look, maybe they can help. Let's go see.
(goes over to the WOMEN and tries to get their attention.)
Excuse me. Hello. Hello?

(The WOMEN's conversation slowly peters out as they come to realized that someone is trying to establish contact.)

WOMAN 1
Yeah?

TRISTAN
I was wondering . . .

WOMAN 1
Spit it out, honey.
(notices baby)
Whatcha got there?

(TRISTAN starts taking a backward step.)

TRISTAN
Oh, I uh . . .

(WOMAN 1 hands her baby to WOMAN 2 and approaches TRISTAN.)

WOMAN 1
Come on, come on.
(takes baby from TRISTAN and looks it over in an impersonal manner)
Huh. Not bad.
(studies TRISTAN)
Doesn't look like you though, does it.

TRISTAN
I, uh . . .

(TRISTAN wants her baby back, but WOMAN 1, who studies TRISTAN some more, isn’t helping much.)

WOMAN 1
You don't talk much, do you.
(calls over to one of the other WOMEN)
Hey Velma, whadya think?

(WOMAN 1 tosses TRISTAN's baby in a high arc across the stage to VELMA who tosses her own baby to WOMAN 1 a moment after.)

TRISTAN
Ah! . . .

(TRISTAN relaxes a little when she sees VELMA safely catching her baby. But her terror is quickly renewed when she sees that WOMAN 1 is making no effort to catch VELMA's incoming infant. TRISTAN makes a lunging, last-second save. WOMAN 1 looks over at the other WOMEN and nods her head in TRISTAN's direction with grudging approval.)

WOMAN 1
(calls out to other WOMEN)
So whadya think?

WOMAN 2
(motions with TRISTAN's baby)
Looks like Betsy's kid.

WOMAN 1
Huh! Is that right.
(to TRISTAN)
Whadya say there, cutie pie? Look like Betsy's kid to you?

TRISTAN
(fumbles for note that she dropped when she caught VELMA's baby)
I . . . I . . .

(TRISTAN picks up the note and holds it out to WOMAN 1 who takes it and looks it over.)

WOMAN 1
(reads note)
To whom it may concern . . .
(to TRISTAN)
Is that you?

(TRISTAN peers uncomprehendingly at the note's contents. WOMAN 1 is pleased at having rattled TRISTAN again.)

WOMAN 1 (cont.)
(reads)
Please look after my baby. Don't worry. You'll know what to do.
(to self)
Huh.
(to TRISTAN)
Is that right? You know what to do?

TRISTAN
Well, I . . . I'm st –

(WOMAN 1 cuts TRISTAN off with a dismissive snort. She looks at the note again, then shoves it close to TRISTAN's face.)

WOMAN 1
(mock angry)
Hey! There's no signature here! Whadja do with it!

(TRISTAN tries reading the note.)

TRISTAN
No, I uh . . .

(WOMAN 1 snorts dismissively, then calls out to VELMA.)

WOMAN 1
Hey Velma! Betsy gave up her kid again!

VELMA
Is that right.

(WOMAN 1 regards TRISTAN suspiciously)

WOMAN 1
Where you from anyway.

TRISTAN
Oh. I, uh, you know . . .

WOMAN 1
(sarcastic)
Good.

(WOMAN 1 takes VELMA's baby from TRISTAN and gives her back the note. As she's heading to rejoin her group, she calls back over her shoulder to TRISTAN.)

WOMAN 1 (cont.)
Well, good luck to you, Miss Note, you're gonna need it!

(TRISTAN runs after WOMAN 1.)

TRISTAN
Wait! Wait! Why does Betsy keep giving up her baby?

WOMAN 1
(mocking)
Oh. You know. I, I –

(WOMAN 1 makes a muddy fart sound and the WOMEN start to exit, stage left, but TRISTAN, still babyless, keeps after them.)

TRISTAN
But why? Why?

WOMAN 1
(imitates TRISTAN to VELMA)
Why? Why?

(The WOMEN walk around the stage with TRISTAN following.)

TRISTAN
But why would she do that? And why would she give him to me?

(WOMAN 1 shakes her head derisively at her similarly derisive cohorts. TRISTAN runs in front of them and stands her ground causing the WOMEN to stop. Then TRISTAN speaks, firmly and a little angry, to WOMAN 1.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Well, she did give him to me.
(shakes the note in WOMAN 1's face)
And she gave me this note, too!

WOMAN 1
You wanna know why?

TRISTAN
Yes.

WOMAN 1
Well, little girl, as the young woman in question used to
say . . .

OTHER WOMEN
MY BABY STINKS.

TRISTAN
What?

WOMAN 1
What? What? You heard them.

OTHER WOMEN
MY BABY STINKS.

TRISTAN
She gave up her baby because it smelled bad?

(WOMAN 1 shrugs.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
But I thought babies were supposed to smell good.

(TRISTAN smells her baby bag. WOMAN 1 gives a derisive snort, then rejoins the others who maybe start a heavy-footed kind of dance, keeping time to the music with their stomping feet.)

WOMEN
MY BABY STINKS.
HE'S GOING IN AND OUT OF STYLE.
MY BABY STINKS.
ANOTHER DIAPER ON THE PILE.
MY BABY STINKS.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE'S GOT.
SLEEPS A LOT.
IN A POT.
MY BABY STINKS.

(TRISTAN takes her baby back.)

WOMEN (cont.)
MY BABY STINKS.

(The WOMEN stop their dance when TRISTAN starts to sing.)

TRISTAN
BUT MY BABY'S DIFF'RENT.
A WHIFF FRONT AND BACK
WILL TELL YOU IMMEDIATELY
WHAT MY BABY LACKS.

(WOMAN 1 takes TRISTAN's baby, smells it, then hands it off to the other WOMEN who do the same. They confer, then face TRISTAN again to deliver their verdict.)

WOMEN
YOUR BABY STINKS.

(The WOMEN start dancing again. Maybe at one point, they line up and do their heavy-footed dance across the stage with TRISTAN emulating them, but dancing backwards in front of them.)

WOMEN (cont.)
THERE'S NO EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.
YOUR BABY STINKS.
HIS FUMES COULD GIVE A ROCKET SHIP ITS FUEL.
YOUR BABY STINKS.
PLEASE PULL THE BLANKET FROM YOUR EYES.
THERE'S NO DISGUISE.
HE'S ATTRACTING FLIES.
YOUR BABY STINKS.
(swarm around TRISTAN making buzzing sounds.)
YOUR BABY STINKS.

(The WOMEN make more buzzing sounds. TRISTAN takes her baby back. The WOMEN stop buzzing when TRISTAN sings.)

TRISTAN
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU'D SAY SUCH BAD THINGS,
TO HURT HIM ON PURPOSE
WITH THE WORDS THAT YOU SING.
(starting to get agitated)
ATTACKING HIM GLEEFULLY
AT YOUR EVERY WHIM.
(angry)
IT'S MEAN. IT'S CRUEL.
IT'S A BIG FAT LOAD OF BABY DROOL.

(The WOMEN look slightly taken aback. They confer, regroup, then face TRISTAN again with their verdict.)

WOMEN
WE HAVE TO GO.
(start dancing again)
IT'S BEEN A TRUE DELIGHT, MY DEAR,
TO GET TO KNOW
YOU BETTER, UNDERSTAND YOU CLEARLY.
AND THEN SO,
WE'RE OFF, WE'RE GONE JUST LIKE A BIRD
TO LEAVE YOU WITH
THESE FEW WORDS.
YOUR BABY STINKS.
(start exiting, stage right)
YOUR BABY STINKS.

VELMA
(over her shoulder to TRISTAN)
Pee yew!

WOMEN
YOUR BABY STINKS.

WOMAN 1
(over her shoulder to TRISTAN)
It's the way of the world, little girl!

(One of the WOMEN gives TRISTAN a long, loud raspberry. The WOMEN exit laughing. TRISTAN watches them go as the LIGHTS FADE. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a MALE SINGER.)

MALE SINGER
IT'S A LITTLE PUNGENT.
BABY, HEAR MY PLEA.
IT'S A LITTLE PUNGENT.
AND A LOT OF ME.

BABY, IN THE EVENING,
WHEN THE WIND BLOWS FREE,
IT'S A LITTLE PUNGENT
AND A LOT OF ME.

OH, MAN.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 2
scene 7


OUTSIDE

(TRISTAN enters, stage right, carrying her baby.)

TRISTAN
(sighs, then talks half to herself, half to her baby)
Now I have two things to do, get out of here and find you a home.

(TRISTAN stops, center stage, gives the baby a longish kiss on the forehead, then takes a bottle out of her bag and starts feeding and softly singing to him.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
HEY NEIGHBOR, HOW'S IT GOIN'?
SEEMS LIKE WE'RE
GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
JUST FINE AND CAREFREE,
TO AND FROIN'.
WE'RE HAPPY
ALL THROUGH THE DAY AND NIGHT.

(TRISTAN takes the bottle from the baby's mouth, looks to see how much is left, then puts it back in her bag. She then studies the baby, sniffs him, then holds him over her shoulder.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Good baby.

(TRISTAN gently pats his back and he gives a little BABY BURP. Soon, TIED MAN enters, stage left, limping slightly. He sees TRISTAN and the baby and stops, stage left, to consider them. He then approaches, though they haven't seen him yet. When he reaches TRISTAN, he addresses her quietly.)

TIED MAN
Excuse me.

(TRISTAN looks at him.)

TRISTAN
Yes?

TIED MAN
Uh, your baby looks familiar. May I?

(TIED MAN indicates that he’d like to have a look.)

TRISTAN
Oh. All right.

(TRISTAN lets him look at her baby.)

TIED MAN
Mm.

TRISTAN
Do you know him?

TIED MAN
Uh, I think he's mine.

(TRISTAN looks at TIED MAN more closely, then at the baby, then at TIED MAN again.)

TRISTAN
He doesn't look like you.

TIED MAN
Yes. Well. He looks like his mother.

(TRISTAN thinks back and realizes this is true.)

TRISTAN
You know, your wife gave me this note.

(TRISTAN takes the note from her baby bag and hands it to TIED MAN who looks it over)

TRISTAN (cont.)
She says that I should look after him. That I’d know what to do.

TIED MAN
(nodding, still looking over the note)
Mm.

TRISTAN
(after a short while)
Would you like to hold him?

TIED MAN
Oh. May I?

(TRISTAN smiles slightly, then hands him the baby. TIED MAN ponders his baby's face. TRISTAN stands close to him and looks at the baby also.)

TRISTAN
(softly)
He's very nice.

(TRISTAN notices TIED MAN's barely perceptible nod. Soon, BALLERINA WOMAN enters, stage left. She stops stage left, sees TIED MAN holding her baby, then quietly goes over and stands next to him like a ghost.)

BALLERINA WOMAN
(softly, apparently not angry, and without looking directly at him)
Hello, Roger.

TIED MAN
(not looking up, also not angry)
Hello, Leta.

BALLERINA WOMAN
(softly, looking at baby)
You like him?

(TIED MAN laughs a soft, slightly rueful laugh.)

TIED MAN
He doesn't look like me.

(BALLERINA WOMAN leans closer to TIED MAN, then speaks softly, with a barely perceptible, slightly rueful smile.)

BALLERINA WOMAN
Why should he?

TRISTAN
(softly)
I should go.

(TRISTAN starts to exit, stage left.)

BALLERINA WOMAN
Wait a minute.

(TRISTAN stops. BALLERINA WOMAN takes the baby from TIED MAN, goes over to TRISTAN and gives the baby back to her. She then returns to TIED MAN, takes his arm and they exit, stage right. TRISTAN watches them exit as the LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC begins. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER. A male SINGER stands next to her, but does not sing. The male and female SINGERS are aware of each other, but don't address each other very directly.)

SINGER
I'VE GOT A BAG.
YOU'VE GOT A BAG.
WHY CAN'T WE BE BAGS TOGETHER?
I'VE GOT A BAG.
YOU'VE GOT A BAG.
WHY CAN'T WE BE BAGS TOGETHER?

MY BAG HOLDS BABIES.
YOUR BAG HOLDS BALLS.
WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,
THE BABY WILL FALL.

I'VE GOT A BAG.
YOU'VE GOT A BAG.
WHY CAN'T WE BE BAGS TOGETHER?
I'VE GOT A BAG.
YOU'VE GOT A BAG.
WHY CAN'T WE BE BAGS TOGETHER?


(SPOTLIGHT FADES)



ACT 2
scene 8


PARK.

(TRISTAN enters with her baby, stage right, and stops, stage right. The back of the stage is dark.)

TRISTAN
(half to herself, half to her baby)
Oh, baby baby, I'm not sure what I should do. I might have to take you home with me. That is, if I ever get back there myself.

(Suddenly, the back of the stage LIGHTS UP revealing OLD MAN sitting on the bench. VERY OLD MAN is sitting to his right. OLD MAN suddenly noticing TRISTAN. He  excitedly nudges VERY OLD MAN, then starts waving to TRISTAN who is not aware of the two old men seated behind her.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
(half to herself, half to her baby)
You know, I think this is where I came in. I came tumbling in . . .
(points to a spot, stage left)
over there. And I landed about . . .
(walks over to center stage)
here . . .

OLD MAN
(like from a distance)
Hello! Hello!

(TRISTAN feels like she's beginning to hear something, but isn't quite sure.)

TRISTAN
Then I thought I heard someone calling out to me . . .

(TRISTAN starts backing up towards the bench.)

OLD MAN
(to the heavens, softly, but intensely)
Oh, thank you! Thank you!

TRISTAN
And I kept backing up until . . .

(TRISTAN falls back onto the bench and finds herself sitting to the left of OLD MAN.)

OLD MAN
(triumphantly happy)
Welcome home, young Tristan.

(TRISTAN studies the smiling OLD MAN for a few moments, then sets the record straight.)

TRISTAN
This is not my home.

OLD MAN
But this is where you began, so it must be your home.
(looks at TRISTAN's baby)
And I see you've been busy.
(starts talking baby talk to the baby)
Hi! Hi! Boobooboo. A-boobooboo . . .

(OLD MAN turns to nudge VERY OLD MAN. VERY OLD MAN smilingly nods his approval. TRISTAN pulls the blanket over the baby's face, so when OLD MAN turns back for more baby talk, he's surprised to find that the baby seems to have disappeared. He turns back to VERY OLD MAN and makes gestures like "where could the baby have gone." But VERY OLD MAN is as perplexed as he and they start looking around for the baby.)

TRISTAN
And although this is not my home –
(notices that the old men don't seem to paying attention)
she said, maybe speaking to herself – someone once told me that I could get out of here the same way I came in. So maybe this is where I should be.

(OLD MAN and VERY OLD MAN stop looking for the baby and return their attention to TRISTAN.)

OLD MAN
That makes sense.

(OLD MAN looks at VERY OLD MAN who smilingly nods his approval, then turns back to TRISTAN.)

OLD MAN (cont.)
So how did you get here?

TRISTAN
Well, I don't know exactly. I, I fell. You were here. You saw me.

OLD MAN
I saw you land. I didn't see you fall. Maybe if you fell again.

(OLD MAN looks to VERY OLD MAN who smilingly nods his approval.)

TRISTAN
Well . . .

(TRISTAN sets her baby bag on the bench, hands her baby to OLD MAN, then stands and goes upstage a little. OLD MAN feels the weight of the bundle, pulls the blanket down a little and is surprised to see baby. He shows the baby's face to VERY OLD MAN who also registers surprise. TRISTAN speaks over her shoulder to OLD MAN.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Fall.

(OLD MAN who, along with VERY OLD MAN, has been entertaining the baby, looks up at TRISTAN, smiles and nods, then goes back to entertaining the baby.)

TRISTAN (cont.)
Well . . .
(falls to the ground with a thud.)
Ow.

(OLD MAN looks up.)

OLD MAN
Well, that didn't work. Try jumping.

(OLD MAN hands the baby to VERY OLD MAN and turns his attention to TRISTAN who’s a little concerned about the transfer of her baby, but soon sees he’ll probably be OK.)

TRISTAN
Jumping.

OLD MAN
Yes. Jumping is the opposite of falling. It might work.

TRISTAN
Mm. OK. Here goes.
(starts jumping)
Isn't rising the opposite of falling?

OLD MAN
Higher!

(TRISTAN jumps higher.)

OLD MAN (cont.)
Higher!

TRISTAN
I'm jumping as high as I can!

OLD MAN
Run around! Run around!

(TRISTAN stops jumping and starts running around the stage.)

OLD MAN (cont.)
Now jump! Jump!

(TRISTAN starts jumping as she runs.)

OLD MAN (cont.)
That's it! Keep running, keep running! Leap, leap, leap like a gazelle! Leap like a gazelle! Leap like a . . .

(But TRISTAN falls back onto the bench, exhausted.)

OLD MAN (cont.)
Don't worry, we'll try again later.

(OLD MAN takes the baby from VERY OLD MAN and hands him back to TRISTAN. VERY OLD MAN didn't quite see OLD MAN take the baby from him and is surprised to see that it's gone. OLD MAN shows him that TRISTAN has the baby now and VERY OLD MAN smilingly nods his approval.)

TRISTAN
(getting her breath back)
Why isn't it working?

OLD MAN
Hm, I don't know. Maybe we should ask the Oracle.

TRISTAN
The Oracle?

OLD MAN
Yes. May I present . . .
(sweeps a hand in the direction of VERY OLD MAN)
the Oracle.

(VERY OLD MAN smilingly nods at TRISTAN.)

TRISTAN
(a little skeptical)
And he can tell me how to get back home?

OLD MAN
If anybody can . . .
(sweeps a hand in the direction of VERY OLD MAN, though not as grandly as before)
he can.

(VERY OLD MAN slowly starts to rise. OLD MAN is quietly excited.)

OLD MAN (cont.)
Oh oh. He's getting up! He's getting up! You're halfway home already, Tristan.

(VERY OLD MAN shuffles slowly upstage.)

TRISTAN
(whispers to OLD MAN)
What if it doesn't work?

(OLD MAN signals to TRISTAN that they have to be quiet now. VERY OLD MAN has reached his position and is ready to speak.)

VERY OLD MAN
(to audience)
Alice fell and so did Lucy.
Defying God in all his mercy.
And now young Tristan's done the same
And can't get home again.

TRISTAN
(whispers to OLD MAN)
I haven't defied anyone.

(OLD MAN nods.)

VERY OLD MAN
EVERY JOT, EVERY TITTLE,
FILLS MY MOUTH WITH LOTS OF SPITTLE.
EVERY TITTLE, EVERY JOT,
FILLS MY NOSE WITH SNOT.
WHOT?
FILLS MY NOSE WITH SNOT.

TRISTAN
(whispers to OLD MAN)
Is he serious?

(OLD MAN gestures with a slight smile for TRISTAN to watch VERY OLD MAN who starts doing a cute little dance.)

VERY OLD MAN
SHE ROUGHS ME UP.
SHE ROUGHS ME DOWN.
SHE ROUGHS ME ALL AROUND THE TOWN.
FOR WHEN MY BABY STARTS TO SWAY,
SHE WANTS ME DOWN THERE EVERY DAY.

THAT FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW.

(VERY OLD MAN rubs cheeks with both hands, going up and down simultaneously to simulate cunnilingus. Loud, SANDPAPER-LIKE SOUNDS follow his up-and-down hand movements. Maybe he also orally simulates cunnilingus between his hands and makes little sex noises.)

VERY OLD MAN (cont.)
FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW.
(rubs again)
THAT FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW'S
GOT ME SINGIN' THE BLUES.

(TRISTAN gets up.)

TRISTAN
I can't sit here and listen to this.

VERY OLD MAN
FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW.
(rubs again)
FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW.
(rubs again)

OLD MAN
(to TRISTAN)
You have to believe!

TRISTAN
(slightly exasperated)
In what? Him?

VERY OLD MAN
THAT FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW.
AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' TO LOSE.

(DUCKS 1-5 and MISSILE GIRL enter, stage left.)

OLD MAN
Oh look, here come the ducks and that young woman with the missile stuck in her head. Maybe they can help.
(calls out to DUCKS and MISSILE GIRL)
Excuse me! Excuse me! Could you give us a hand here?

(DUCKS and MISSILE GIRL come over.)

DUCK 1
Yes. How may we be of assistance.

VERY OLD MAN
MOO MOO MOO WENT THE COW COW COW.
MOO MOO MOO WENT THE COW.
"I WANT SOME MILK," SAID THE MAN.
REACHED OUT, THEN "OUCH."
TAKE ME HOME AGAIN.

OLD MAN
Yes. Well, my young friend here seems to want to return to her homeland.

(DUCK 1 nods. MISSILE GIRL smiles slightly. Meanwhile, DUCK 4, who has been watching VERY OLD MAN with great interest, runs over and joins him in song.)

DUCK 4
CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK WENT THE HEN HEN HEN.
CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK WENT THE HEN.
"I WANT SOME EGGS," SAID THE MAN.
REACHED OUT, THEN "OUCH."
TAKE ME HOME AGAIN.

TRISTAN
Take me home again. Yeah, right.

OLD MAN
You should listen to what he has to say.

TRISTAN
But he doesn't make any sense!

VERY OLD MAN
AND DUCK 4
OINK OINK OINK WENT THE PIG PIG PIG.
OINK OINK OINK WENT THE PIG.
"I WANT SOME PORK," SAID THE MAN.
REACHED OUT, THEN "OINK!"
TAKE ME HOME AGAIN.

TRISTAN
The only thing I understand is that "take me home again" part. I have no idea what the rest of that stuff means.

VERY OLD MAN
YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE
STUCK INSIDE A TEA POT.
YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE
STUCK INSIDE A PEA POD . . .

(DUCK 4 looks confused and returns to the other DUCKS.)

TRISTAN
Well, now he's just making things up.

VERY OLD MAN
TEAPOT, TEAPOT, TEAPOT, TEAPOT.
STUCK INSIDE A TEAPOT.

OLD MAN
No no. The Oracle doesn't make things up –

VERY OLD MAN
PEA POD, PEA POD, PEA POD, PEA POD.
STUCK INSIDE A PEA POD.

OLD MAN
for he is the receiver and messenger of all good things.

VERY OLD MAN
ME. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.
ME ME ME ME ME.
DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE.

(DUCK 4 runs back to rejoin VERY OLD MAN.)

TRISTAN
How can it be all about him if he's just the messenger?

VERY OLD MAN
AND DUCK 4

FOR I.
I, I, I, I, I.
AY-YI-YI-YI-YI.
DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE.

TRISTAN
See? When you want a straight answer, he goes into all that "dee dee dee" stuff.

(VERY OLD MAN starts looking tired.)

OLD MAN
Uh oh. The Oracle is starting to wind down. The Oracle is beginning to run out of steam.

DUCKS 1-3 & 5
HE'S TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. OH!
DO DO DO DO DO DO.
HE'S TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. OH!
DO DO DO DO DO DO.
HE'S TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. OH!
DO DO DO DO DO DO.
HE'S TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. OH!
DO DO DO DO DO DO.

(DUCKS 1-3 & 5 continue singing this song until their next song. The other characters must speak loudly over the DUCKS’ singing. VERY OLD MAN signals for DUCKS 1-3 & 5 to come over.)

OLD MAN
(to TRISTAN)
He wants the ducks to take over for awhile!

(DUCKS 1-3 & 5 line up close to each other, then start to shuffle over to VERY OLD MAN with their arms pumping like a locomotive. When the DUCKS arrive, VERY OLD MAN signals for them to take over. DUCKS 1-3 & 5 increase the speed of their singing and dancing, shuffling back and forth across the stage like maniacs as DUCK 4 helps VERY OLD MAN back to the bench.)

TRISTAN
Can they just take over like that?

OLD MAN
Anything's possible if you believe!

MISSILE GIRL
(not as loud)
Or anything's possible if it's not true.

(OLD MAN looks disapprovingly at MISSILE GIRL.)

OLD MAN
(not as loud)
And you wonder why you have a missile stuck in your head.
(loudly to TRISTAN)
Don't listen to her! She's like Satan or something! Listen to us! Listen to the ducks!

(DUCKS 1-3 & 5 are now facing TRISTAN. They suddenly stop their previous song and dance and start a new song.)

DUCKS 1-3 & 5
WE'RE GIVING YOU THE GIFT OF MUSIC.
WE'RE GIVING YOU THE GIFT OF SONG.
WE HOPE THAT YOU,
THAT YOU CAN USE IT,
THAT YOU CAN USE IT
YOUR WHOLE LIFE LONG.

(DUCKS 1-3 & 5 start dancing towards TRISTAN who backs up, but they follow her around. DUCK 1 holds up a sheet of paper for TRISTAN.)

DUCKS 1-3 & 5 (cont.)
OH WELL, I'VE GOT A NOTE, MY DARLING DEAR,
THAT TELLS OF ALL THE THINGS
YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR,
OF HOW MY LOVE IS
STRONG AND DEEP AND TRUE
AND HOW MY THOUGHTS ARE FILLED
WITH DREAMS OF YOU.

(DUCK 1 hands TRISTAN the sheet of paper. TRISTAN stops to read it, stage right.)

DUCKS 1-3 & 5 (cont.)
YOU'D SKIP A BEAT.
YOU'D SKIP A BEAT.

(DUCK 4 gets up and does a sprightly dance away from the bench.)

DUCK 4
PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME.
PEOPLE JUST DO.
PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY DO.

(POLICE OFFICER enters, stage right, and stands, stage right, observing DUCK 4 who doesn't see him. DUCKS 1-3 & 5 see POLICE OFFICER enter and return to the bench area, a little afraid of him. MISSILE GIRL comes over and stands next to TRISTAN who’s still reading, maybe to protect her.)

DUCK 4 (cont.)
PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME.
PEOPLE JUST DO.
PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME, LOVE ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY . . .

(POLICE OFFICER stands in front of DUCK 4 and holds up a hand, freezing her in mid-song and dance.)

POLICE OFFICER
PEOPLE REALLY HATE YOU. THEY
DERIVE PLEASURE FROM YOUR PAIN.
HOW COULD YOU THINK OTHERWISE?
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THEY DESPISE YOU?
SAY THEY LOVE YOU, BUT THEY JUST
WANT TO SEE YOU SLIDING SLOWLY
INTO A BIG PILE OF DARK REGRET.

(POLICE OFFICER backs away. DUCK 4 slowly melts out of her state of frozen joyfulness and into one of seeming contemplation and re-evaluation. Then she slowly starts to sing People Just Love Me again, gaining confidence and speed as she goes.)

DUCK 4
PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME.
PEOPLE JUST DO.
PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY DO.

(DUCK 4 is happy and singing the song at normal speed now. She starts to dance off, stage left, until she gets to the last line which she gets stuck on, along with the attendant dance moves, like a broken record. But she breaks through after a few repetitions and dances happily off stage with POLICE OFFICER following.)

DUCK 4 (cont.)
PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME.
PEOPLE JUST DO.
PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME, LOVE ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY . . .
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY . . .
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY DO.
DO. DO DO DO. WOO!

TRISTAN
I thought they were on the same side.

MISSILE GIRL
(shrugs)
They are. They just do that sometimes.

DUCKS 1-3 & 5
WE'RE JUST PEOPLE, TOO.
WE'RE JUST PEOPLE, TOO.
WE KNOW JUST WHAT WE LIKE
AND WHAT WE LIKE TO DO.
CUZ WE'RE JUST PEOPLE, TOO.
DO. DO DO DO.

DUCK 5
WOO!

TRISTAN
I thought they were ducks.

MISSILE GIRL
Don't worry.
(indicates sheet of paper)
What does it say?

TRISTAN
Oh. It's a song.

MISSILE GIRL
Ah.

TRISTAN
Is that good?

MISSILE GIRL
Could be. If you sang it.

TRISTAN
Oh, well, I'm not much of a singer though.

MISSILE GIRL
That's OK. As long as you're the one singing, that's all that matters.

TRISTAN
Well . . .

MISSILE GIRL
Here.

(MISSILE GIRL takes TRISTAN's baby and TRISTAN takes a few steps toward center stage.)

TRISTAN
OK. Here goes . . .

I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO DO,
NOTHING LEFT TO SAY,
NOTHING LEFT TO BE
IN MY LIFE.
AS LONG AS I AM HERE WITH YOU,
I'VE NOTHING LEFT AT ALL . . .

VERY OLD MAN
I'M AN OLD GUY.
I'M AN OLD GUY.
I'M A FROG ON A ROCK TOAD GUY.
IN THE MORNING,
IN THE EVENING,
I'M JUST WAITING HERE TO DIE.
WOO!

(TRISTAN looks at MISSILE GIRL.)

MISSILE GIRL
Keep going.

TRISTAN
But he's singing about his own death.

MISSILE GIRL
Don't worry. Just keep singing.

TRISTAN
Well . . .

THE MORE I SEE,
THE MORE I FEEL THAT
THE THINGS YOU WANT
ARE NOTHING MORE THAN
EVERYTHING THAT YOU DESIRED
IN ALL YOUR BROKEN DREAMS.

BUT SACRIFICING OTHERS FOR
THE THINGS THAT MAKE
YOUR LIFE WORTH LIVING
IN A WORLD THAT YOU DESIRED
SO MANY YEARS AGO.

(The LIGHTS START TO FADE. WINDS start to blow and ominous RUMBLING SOUNDS are heard.)

MISSILE GIRL
Uh oh, it's starting.

(The stage is now BLACK. No one can be seen now, except for VERY OLD MAN who stands by himself in a CONE OF LIGHT. But soon, TRISTAN enters the cone of light also. The WIND and RUMBLING SOUNDS start to fade when TRISTAN enters and stop when she stands next to VERY OLD MAN.)

TRISTAN
Why am I here?

VERY OLD MAN
(not mean, slightly intimate, but not friendly)
Tristan, you say that you want to leave our world, that you are unhappy with your lot in life. But I am here to tell you that your life, your dreams, your suffering, mean nothing to us.

TRISTAN
Then why am I here?

VERY OLD MAN
You're here because we want you here. And when, and if, you leave, the reason will be the same.

TRISTAN
I still don't understand.

(VERY OLD MAN bows his head slightly and disappears into the darkness as the CONE OF LIGHT slowly fades away and the only light left shining shines on TRISTAN.

The DUCKS, OLD MAN and MISSILE GIRL soon become visible again in the background. The WINDS and RUMBLING SOUNDS return and a GLOWING LIGHT appears from the stage left exit plane. The WINDS become stronger and the RUMBLING SOUNDS increase to RAGING STORM SOUNDS. The DUCKS are in awe and slightly frightened by the GLOWING LIGHT. OLD MAN looks at it gravely. MISSILE GIRL goes to TRISTAN. They must speak loudly over the noise.)

TRISTAN
(to MISSILE GIRL)
What is it?

MISSILE GIRL
It's your way back, Tristan!

(MISSILE GIRL hands TRISTAN her baby and baby bag.)

TRISTAN
But what he said! I don't understand!

MISSILE GIRL
Never mind! It's not important!

TRISTAN
But what he said!

(TRISTAN looks at MISSILE GIRL for some sort of answer, but gets none, so she readies herself for her escape. But just as she's about to make the run, she stops, turns to MISSILE GIRL and clutches her arm.)

TRISTAN
Come with me!

MISSILE GIRL
(heartbroken)
I can't.
(encouraging)
But you go.

TRISTAN
Really?

(MISSILE GIRL nods. TRISTAN gives her a parting hug, then readies herself again. MISSILE GIRL is slowly receding into the background with the DUCKS and OLD MAN as their LIGHT FADES until TRISTAN and her baby are the only ones visible.)

TRISTAN
(over her shoulder, into the blackness)
Good-bye! Good-bye! I won't forget you!

(TRISTAN makes a dash for the GLOWING LIGHT and leaps through. A BLINDING LIGHT FLASHES, stage left, and a great explosion is heard as TRISTAN passes through the stage left exit plane. The DUCKS, OLD MAN and MISSILE GIRL are seen briefly in the BLINDING FLASH, then everything FADES TO BLACK and all is silent.)



ACT 2
scene 9


TRISTAN’S ROOM

(TRISTAN sits in a chair. She feeds her baby a bottle. The female CHILD from the opening scene lies on the floor, drawing pictures or coloring in a coloring book. TRISTAN’S baby bag leans up against one side of her chair; on the other side is a big wooden mallet.)

TRISTAN
(sings softly to her baby)
YOU TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
AND I’LL TAKE THE LOW ROAD
AND I’LL BE IN SCOTLAND AFORE YE.
(to CHILD)
FOR ME AND MY TRUE LOVE
WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN . . .

(CHILD stops what she’s doing and looks up at TRISTAN. Suddenly, a trap door at TRISTAN's feet opens and OLD MAN rises part way up and turns towards TRISTAN.)

OLD MAN
Oh, there you are. We were just wondering if . . .

(But TRISTAN has taken up the big wooden mallet and brings it down on top of OLD MAN's head, though not in anger. A comic CONKING SOUND is heard, followed by TWEETERING BIRD SOUNDS. OLD MAN registers the impact, then slowly sinks back into the hole. TRISTAN puts the mallet back down and closes the trap door. She then gets up, goes over to CHILD and whispers something to her. CHILD gets up, gets TRISTAN’s baby bag and slings it over her shoulder. TRISTAN gathers up CHILD’s pad or coloring book and a handful of crayons. She puts the pad or book and crayons into the bag, then takes the bag from off of CHILD’s small shoulder and puts it over her own shoulder. She then takes CHILD’s hand and she, her baby and CHILD exit, stage right. CHILD looks at the audience as she’s exiting, but doesn’t smile, wave or do anything as the LIGHTS FADE.)


THE END



NOTES

1) Free performance privileges for non-professional groups
    for non-professional, non-commercial activities.

2) See 38-page letter for possible conspiracy-related
    problems that may be encountered if performing Pointless.

3) Some songs or music in musical are or are related to
    pre-existing works by others. See copyright.

4) Convenient song, scene and character links at
research version.

5) 2001 version of musical.



SONGS
music and lyrics


Arrivederci
Beavertown
Boob bottoms
But nobody appreciates my baby
Chill, bro, chill
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy
Ducks, ducks, ducks
Fauxverture

Five o'clock shadow
The gift of music
Hello, hello. it's me
He's tired
Hey neighbor
If you don't want to see me cry, you'd better shut the door.
I'm an old guy
It's a little pungent
It's just a post-cold-war world - Pick a bale of cotton.
I've got nothing left to do
Loch Lomond
Moo moo moo went the cow cow cow
My baby stinks
My old Kentucky home
Oh, I despise America
Oh, sometimes I wish I was Christian
Only attractive people go out on a Saturday night
People just love me
Pig sty
The pigeons are gonna getcha
Rrrrr! - Just can't stop a love like that!
Sex in the brain
We're just people, too
Why can't we be bags together?
Wither away
You and I will never be stuck inside a teapot



Fauxverture
(instrumental)



Oh, Sometimes I Wish I Was Christian

Oh, sometimes I wish I was Chri-i-stian.
Oh, what a good life that would be.
I'd live by the Golden Rule every day
And bear my cross peacefully.
And the girls are so lovely, lovely,
Their virgin lips unkissed
By worry, fear, protected by
A communal Christian bliss.

Oh, sometimes I wish I was Jew-ewish.
Oh, what a good life that would be.
I live by the To-orah every day
And live my life peacefully.
And the girls are so lovely, lovely,
Their virgin lips unkissed
By worry, fear, protected by
A communal Jewish bliss.


Hello, Hello. It's Me
(Lyrics in red type are spoken.)

Hello, hello. It's me.
Hello, hello. It's me.
Hello, hello. It's me.
Hello, hello. It's me.
Woo!



Rrrrr! - Just Can't Stop A Love Like That!
(Lyrics in red type are spoken. Just Can't Stop A Love Like That! is a shouted-out-type rap song. Notes represent timing of lyrics.)

The time is near.
The days grow colder.
You look within
And find you're older
Than you'd really like to be
In all your broken dreams

There's nothing you
Can do to change
The looking glass
That rearranges
Everything that you desired,
So many years ago.

Then rrrrr. Rrrrr!
Something in your heart begins to stirrrrr!
Then to hell with all the consequences
That you may incur.
It's rrrrr. Rrrrr! RRRRR!

Just can't stop a love like that!
Just can't stop a love like that!
Just can't stop a love like that!

A-when ya sees a-somethin'
That ya need,
You gotsta grab it with both hands
And squeeze.
And pop it in your mouth
Just like a Cheez-it
And ease it.
Then freeze it.
Then sleeze it. Woo!

Just can't stop a love like that!
Just can't stop a love like that!
Just can't stop a love like that!



Oh, I Despise America

Oh, I despise America.
America. America.
Oh, I despise America.
America, USA.

For in the land of open space,
The human race, Election Day,
Big stores, big prisons all conspire
To make the world go 'round.

Oh, I despise America.
America. America.
Oh, I despise America.
America, USA.



Arrivederci
(For version with notes between lines, click here)

Arrivederci, a mi amoré,
A mi amore.
Arrivederci, a mi amoré,
A mi amore.
Arrivederci, arrivederci,
A mi amoré,
Arrivederci, arrivederci,
A mi amore.




It's Just A Post-Cold War World - Pick A Bale Of Cotton
(
Lyrics in red type are spoken.)

When my father was a young boy,
He sailed the Seven Seas
In search of freedom and of gold –
A land of opportunity.
(A land of opportunity.)

And when he found America,
He knew that he could be
A man of substance, goals and dreams –
A wife, home, a family.
(A wife, home, a family.)
The land of opportunity.

But now, it's just a post-Cold-War world.
(It's just a post-Cold-War world.)
It's just a post-Cold-War world.
(It's just a post-Cold-War world.)
When your body starts a-shakin'
And your fever starts a-breakin',
Then you know that it's just a post-Cold-War world.

When the Soviet Union died.
(When the Soviet Union died.)
And Roosevelt welfare, too.
(And Roosevelt welfare, too.)

But we still have Social Security
And pension plans as a surety.
Isn't that Communist theory, too?

That's Communist theory for the middle class.
(That's Communist theory for the middle class.)
So that's OK.
(So that's OK.)
But when it comes down to the poorest,
Then you'd better join the chorus
And just say that it's just a post-Cold-War world.

So jump down. Turn around.
Pick a bale of cotton.
Haa!
So jump down. Turn around.
Pick a bale all day.

Oh, mammy!
Pick a bale of cotton.
Oh, mammy!
Pick a bale all day.

Me and my partner can
Pick a bale of cotton.
Haa!
Me and my partner can
Pick a bale all day.

Oh, mammy!
Pick a bale of cotton.
Oh, mammy!
Pick a bale all day.

We're going downtown
To pick a bale of cotton.
Haa!
We're going downtown
To pick a bale all day.
Haaaa!




If You Don't Want To See Me Cry, You'd Better Shut The Door

If you don't want to see me cry,
You'd better shut the door
Cuz I think that I'm about
To start just like before.

I just don't know why you can't see
When I am feeling blue
Cuz when you're down,
You know that I
Am right down there with you.

It's not something
I like to say,
But when I feel sad
In this old wa-ay.

I know that you're not mean or cruel,
You just say what you say.
It's just that I do sometimes wish
My life could go another way.

So if love
Is something in
Which you do not believe.
And if you don't want to see me cry . . .
If you don't want to see me cry-y . . .
Then you'd better shut the door or leave.




Beavertown

You're in Beavertown, California.
You're in Beavertown, USA..
You're in Beavertown, California.
You're in Beavertown, Beavertown,
Beavertown, Beavertown.
Beavertown, Beavertown, Beavertown, Beavertown.
Beavertown, Beavertown, Beavertown, Beavertown.




Ducks, Ducks, Ducks

Ducks, ducks, ducks.
So happy and peaceful are we.
Ducks, ducks, ducks.
Contented and loving and free.
In our world
There never is worry or fear.
We glide o'er the water,
Our sons and our daughters
Swim in a straight line at our tails.
A quack or two as we assail

Nuts, bugs, bread.
The apples of our roving eyes.
In our heads,
The heavenly morsels we prize.
Watch us swoon
As we settle down to our meals.
With loving embraces,
We scoop up the traces
Of kindnesses left in our trails,
Content from our heads to our tails.

Quack, quack, quack.
The words that all ducks love to say.
Off our backs,
Each droplet of rain rolls away.
In a groove,
Our lives couldn't be more serene.
When winter approaches
And darkness encroaches,
We fly off like birds on a wing.
Instinctively knowing
Where we should be going.
We'll see you next year in spring.




My Old Kentucky Home
(instrumental)



The Pigeons Are Gonna Getcha
(Lyrics in red type are spoken. Lyrics in green type are spoken or
sung-spoken.
)

Think you're pretty clever.
Brighter than the sky.
When trouble rears its ugly head,
You punch it in the eye.


First or second, third or last,
It doesn't mean a thing.
For when you've crossed a pigeon's path,

You'll feel the crush of a pigeon's wing.

The pigeons are gonna getcha,
If you don't watch out.
(Coo, coo, coo.)
The next time you're out, you betcha,
You're gonna wanna scream and shout.
(Oh, oh, oh!)
You know when you least expect it,
You're gonna feel the drivin' rain.
(Yeah, yeah, yeah!)
Don't give us your poo
Cuz you know you
Will be getting it back again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

You know, hey, I'm really sorry.
I should have just cut and run.
(No, no, no!)
But when you made fun of me, well,
I had to show you all how it was done.
(Please, please, please!)
I think that you're really something.
It was envy, I just have to say.
(Not in the face.)
So if it please you well,
I guess that I'll just
Be going on my own way.



Chill, Bro, Chill

Chill, bro, chill.
It's not such a very big deal.
We feel what you feel.
So chill, bro, chill.

Keep it real.
All wounds will eventually heal.
We feel what you feel.
So chill, bro, chill.



Only Attractive People Go Out On A Saturday Night

Only attractive people
Go out on a Saturday night.
But they don't look happy,
Like they're just finishing up
With a god damn, knockdown, drag out fight.
Or is it just me,
Kinda ugly and free,
Sucking all the air out of sight?
Cuz only attractive people
Go out on a Saturday night.

But honey, I don't care.
Life's unfair.
Full of anger and strife.
And what does it matter
Since you don't love me, anyway?
But if you held my hand,
I could feel
A different kind of beauty inside.
And to feel that feeling
Would be good, I think.

Cuz only attractive people
Go out on a Saturday night.
But they don't look happy,
Like they're just finishing up
With a god damn, knockdown, drag out fight.
Or is it just me,
Kinda ugly and free,
Sucking all the air out of sight?
Cuz only attractive people
Go out on a Saturday night.
And only attractive people
Go out there on a Saturday night.



Pig Sty
(Rap song. Notes represent timing of lyrics.)

Well, you know you're gonna zoom-a
When you clean-a up your room-a
Cuz you're cuttin' out the tuma in your head.
Ha!
Cuz the filth is hittin' crisis
And you're knowin' what the vice is,
When the mold beneath your pillow starts to shed.
Yuk!

Hey, big sissa, don't be stressin'.
Little bruda be addressin'
Accusations of the mess in this here room.
Ya!
Troot, you be a-guilin'.
Little dirt won't hurt my stylin'.
When I'm here, I'm just a-smilin'. It's da boom.
Za!

Boom. Boom boom.
Da boom. Boom boom.
Da boom. Boom boom.
Da boom.

Boom. Boom boom.
Da boom. Boom boom.
Da boom. Boom boom.
Da boom.

Well, the truth I ain't no mean one.
Cuz you know that I'm the clean one.
Didn't mean no disrespect for what you said.
Boo!
You may think I'm kinda screwy,
But your socks are gettin' chewy.
And yo mama's yellin' sooey in your head.
Check it out, haa!

Sooey!
Sooey!
Sooey!
Here, pig, pig, pig, pig.

Well, big sis, I see da erra
Of my ways. You was da beara
Of good new.
So I'll be cleanin' right away.
Ya!

Well, don't know that I can trust ya.
But, little bro, don't wanna bust ya.
So I'll leave you now
With just these words to say.
Woooo!

Pig sty!
Pig sty!
Pig sty!

Here, pig, pig, pig, pig.



Sex In The Brain

They say that life's unfair,
That love's a dirty game.
But I can't help it.
But I can't help it, oo oo.
Thank god, for sex in the brain.
In the brain.
In the brain.

When you came here to me,
I knew that we could be
So like no other,
So with each other, oo oo,
In love, in life, in the game.
In the game.
In the game.

Then you did something bad.
Gave up all that we had.
Now you can't stay here.
Please go away, dear, oo oo,
And live your life in the rain.
In the rain.
In the rain.

They say that life's unfair,
That love's a dirty game.
But I can't help it.
But I can't help it, oo oo.
Thank god, for sex in the brain.
In the brain.
In the brain.



Wither Away

Some people you
Just want to screw
Or hammer or nail away.
With others you think,
It may take a drink
To make them look sort of OK.

Oh, why the disparity in sex appeal?
Oh, why do we feel what we feel?
It seems that we should
Only sleep with the good
And let the bad wither away.

Wither, oh wither, away, away.
Wither, oh wither, away.
It seems that we should
Only sleep with the good
And let the bad wither away.
Oh, and let the bad wither away.



Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy
(instrumental)



Boob Bottoms

Boob bottoms. Boob bottoms.
Boob bottoms. Boob bottoms.
Boob bottoms.




But Nobody Appreciates My Baby

When I was a young girl
Of just twenty-three,
My friends all got married and lived happily.
They raised their young families
In lives filled with joy.
A big house, a nice job, oh boy.

Look. See. She looks just like me,
Her eyes filled with starlight,
A wonder to see.
Her face is so lovely,
She must be brand new.
But nobody appreciates my baby.
But nobody appreciates my baby.

It happened, in an instant,
At twenty and four.
We were to be married, the man I adore.
But as the day drew near,
He started to roam.
And I was left all on my own.

Look. See. She looks just like me,
Her eyes filled with starlight,
A wonder to see.
Her face is so lovely,
She must be brand new.
But nobody appreciates my baby.
But nobody appreciates my baby.




My Baby Stinks

My baby stinks.
My baby stinks.
My baby stinks.
He's going in and out of style.
My baby stinks.
Another diaper on the pile.
My baby stinks.
It doesn't matter what he's got.
Sleeps a lot.
In a pot.
My baby stinks.
My baby stinks.

But my baby's diff'rent.
A whiff front and back
Will tell you immediately
What my baby lacks.

Your baby stinks.
There's no exception to the rule.
Your baby stinks.
His fumes could give a rocket ship its fuel.
Your baby stinks.
Please pull the blanket from your eyes.
There's no disguise.
He's attracting flies.
Your baby stinks.
Your baby stinks.

I just can't believe that
You'd say such bad things.
To hurt him on purpose
With the words that you sing.
Attacking him gleefully
At your every whim.
It's mean. It's cruel.
It's a big fat load of baby drool.

We have to go.
It's been a true delight, my dear,
To get to know
You better, understand you clearly.
And then so,
We're off, we're gone just like a bird
To leave you with
These few words.
Your baby stinks.
Your baby stinks.



It's A Little Pungent

It's a little pungent.
Baby, hear my plea.
It's a little pungent.
And a lot of me.

Baby, in the evening,
When the wind blows free,
It's a little pungent.
And a lot of me.

Oh, man.




Hey Neighbor

Hey neighbor, how's it goin'?
Seems like we're
Going to be all right.
Just fine and carefree-ee.
To and froin'.
We're happy
All through the day and night.



Why Can't We Be Bags Together?

I've got a bag.
You've got a bag.
Why can't we be bags together?
I've got a bag.
You've got a bag.
Why can't we be bags together?

My bag holds babies.
Your bag holds balls.
When we're together,
The baby will fall.

I've got a bag.
You've got a bag.
Why can't we be bags together?
I've got a bag.
You've got a bag.
Why can't we be bags together?



Every Jot, Every Tittle
(Lyrics in red type are spoken)

Every jot, every tittle,
Fills my mouth with lots of spittle.
Every tittle, every jot,
Fills my nose with snot.
Whot!

Fills my nose with snot.


Five O'Clock Shadow

She roughs me up. She roughs me down.
She roughs me all around the town.
For when my baby starts to sway,
She wants me down there every day.

That five o'clock shadow.
Five o'clock shadow.
That five o'clock shadow's
Got me singin' the blues.

Five o'clock shadow.
Five o'clock shadow.
That five o'clock shadow,
Ain't got nothin' to lose.




Moo Moo Moo Went The Cow Cow Cow
(Lyrics in red type are spoken)

Moo moo moo went the cow cow cow.
Moo moo moo went the cow.
"I want some milk," said the man.
Reached out, then "ouch!"
Take me home again.

Cluck cluck cluck went the hen hen hen.
Cluck cluck cluck went the hen.
"I want some eggs," said the man.
Reached out, then "ouch!"
Take me home again.

Oink oink oink went the pig pig pig.
Oink oink oink went the pig.
"I want some pork," said the man.
Reached out, then "oink!"
Take me home again.




You And I Will Never Be Stuck Inside A Teapot

You and I will never be
Stuck inside a teapot.
You and I will never be
Stuck inside a pea pod.

Teapot, teapot, teapot, teapot.
Stuck inside a teapot.
Pea pod, pea pod, pea pod, pea pod.
Stuck inside a pea pod.



It's All About Me


Me. It's all about me.
Me me me me me.
Dee dee dee dee dee.

For I.
I, I, I, I, I.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Dee dee dee dee dee.



He's Tired
(keep repeating)

He's tired, tired, tired. Oh!
Do do do do do do.




The Gift Of Music

We're giving you the gift of music.
We're giving you the gift of song.
We hope that you,
That you can use it,
That you can use it
Your whole life long.

Oh well, I've got a note, my darling dear,
That tells of all the things you'd like to hear.
Of how my love is
Strong and deep and true.
And how my thoughts are filled
With dreams of you.
You'd skip a beat.
You'd skip a beat.




People Just Love Me
(Lyrics in red type are spoken)

People just love me.
People just do.
People just love me.
I don't know why but they do.

People just love me.
People just do.
People just love me, love me.
I don't know why but they . . .

People really hate you. They
Derive pleasure from your pain.
How could you think otherwise?
Can't you see that they despise you?
Say they love you, but they just
Want to see you sliding slowly
Into a big pile of dark regret.


People just love me.
People just do.
People just love me, love me.
I don't know why but they do.

People just love me.
People just do.
People just love me, love me.
I don't know why but they . . .
I don't know why but they . . .
I don't know why but they do.
Do. Do do do. Woo!



We're Just People, Too
(Lyrics in red type are spoken)

We're just people, too.
We're just people, too.
We know just what we like
And what we like to do.
Cuz we're just people, too.
Do. Do do do. Woo!



I've Got Nothing Left To Do

I've got nothing left to do,
Nothing left to say,
Nothing left to be
In my life.
As long as I am here with you,
I've nothing left at all.

The more I see,
The more I feel that
The things you want
Are nothing more than
Everything that you desired
In all your broken dreams.

But sacrificing others for
The things that make
Your life worth living
In a world that you desired
So many years ago.



I'm An Old Guy
(Lyrics in red type are spoken)

I'm an old guy.
I'm an old guy.
I'm a frog on a rock toad guy.
In the morning,
In the evening,
I'm just waiting here to die.
Woo!




Loch Lomond

You take the high road
And I'll take the low road
And I'll be in Scotland afore ye.
For me and my true love
Will never meet again . . .



pointless copyright (c) 2001 eric nakao, except "pick a bale of cotton" by traditional, minus spoken "ha's"; "my old kentucky home" by stephen c foster; "dance of the sugar plum fairy" (or fairies) by peter tchaikovsky; "loch lomond" by traditional; music for "but nobody appreciates my baby" related to "oh dear, what can the matter be" by traditional.

script posted:
november 19, 2004
MIDI songs posted: december 1, 2004
pointless update: sunday, october 7, 2007, 1:30 PM ET
webpage update: tuesday, march 10, 2009, 12:43 PM ET  
 

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