(LIGHTS GO UP on PARK MOTHER and female CHILD sitting on a bench.
Soon, SQUIRREL enters, stage right. SQUIRREL stops stage right,
making squirrel-like motions. PARK MOTHER points out SQUIRREL to
CHILD, then takes a one to two-foot long peanut out of her bag and
gives it to CHILD to give to SQUIRREL. CHILD takes a few steps
towards SQUIRREL and holds the peanut out for him. SQUIRREL
approaches CHILD and takes the peanut. A delighted CHILD returns to
PARK MOTHER. SQUIRREL retreats a few steps, then tries to
eat the peanut.
SCRUFFY MAN enters, stage left. He stands, stage left, and observes
the situation. He then approaches SQUIRREL and wordlessly tries
picking a fight. But single-minded SQUIRREL continues trying to eat
his peanut, so SCRUFFY MAN starts pushing SQUIRREL who continues
with his peanut until SCRUFFY MAN knocks it out of his paws.
SQUIRREL tries standing his ground, twirling his paws in front of
him like an old-fashioned boxer. But SQUIRREL’s short little arms
are no match for SCRUFFY MAN’s much longer arms and SCRUFFY MAN
starts popping SQUIRREL in the face, then wrestles him to the ground
and begins pounding away at him. SMACKING and THUDDING SOUNDS are
heard when SCRUFFY MAN hits SQUIRREL in the face and body,
respectively.
PARK MOTHER, who has been looking on in horror, ushers CHILD off,
stage left, as the LIGHTS FADE.)
ACT 1 scene 2
PARK.
(LITTLE OLD LADY sits on the bench. Soon, PARK PIGEON flutters in,
stage right. He starts strutting around and acting like a pigeon.
LITTLE OLD LADY takes a one to two-foot wide popcorn kernel out of
her bag. She tosses it on the ground for PARK PIGEON who struts over
and tries to eat it by pecking at the big popcorn and shaking it
with his beak.
SCRUFFY MAN enters, stage left. He stands, stage left, and observes
the situation. He then approaches PARK PIGEON and starts kicking the
popcorn away from him. Single-minded PARK PIGEON keeps trying to
peck away at the big popcorn until SCRUFFY MAN trots around behind
PARK PIGEON as he is leaning over the popcorn and kicks him in his big
rear end. PARK PIGEON lets out a SQUAWK and stumbles forward, but
doesn't fall. SCRUFFY MAN keeps at PARK PIGEON, following him around
and kicking his rear end until he falls flat on his face whereupon
SCRUFFY MAN pounces on top of him and begins to wrestle with the
hopelessly outmatched bird.
After awhile,
PARK PIGEON lets out a SQUAWK or COO as if a cry for help, then
suddenly, PARK MOTHER and CHILD rush in, stage left, with POLICE
OFFICER. They stop, stage left, PARK MOTHER pointing at the horrific
scene.)
PARK MOTHER There he is, officer! There's that horrid, horrid man!
(POLICE OFFICER approaches SCRUFFY MAN and PARK PIGEON.)
POLICE OFFICER All right. Break it up, you two. (pulls SCRUFFY MAN up by the collar)
Why'd you do it, Lefty?
SCRUFFY MAN Why'd I do it? (to the audience, taunting) Who's gonna stop me! (laughs)
POLICE OFFICER All right. Come along with you now.
(POLICE OFFICER takes SCRUFFY MAN off, stage left. PARK MOTHER and
CHILD, who have been attending to PARK PIGEON, help him off, stage
left. LITTLE OLD LADY continues sitting on the bench.)
(A little later, OLD MAN enters, stage left. He stands, stage left,
observing LITTLE OLD LADY who doesn't see him yet, then goes over
and sits next to her. LITTLE OLD LADY is aware of him now, but tries
not to let on. Soon, OLD MAN scoots closer to her and whispers
something in her ear. LITTLE OLD LADY, deeply offended, stands, hits
OLD MAN a few times with her bag, then stalks off, stage left. OLD
MAN watches her exit, then continues sitting, lost in his own
thoughts.)
OLD MAN OH, SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS CHRISTIAN. OH, WHAT A GOOD LIFE THAT WOULD BE. I'D LIVE BY THE GOLDEN RULE EVERY DAY AND BEAR MY CROSS PEACEFULLY. AND THE GIRLS ARE SO LOVELY, LOVELY, THEIR VIRGIN LIPS UNKISSED BY WORRY, FEAR, PROTECTED BY A COMMUNAL CHRISTIAN BLISS.
OH, SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS JEWISH. OH, WHAT A GOOD LIFE THAT WOULD BE. I'D LIVE BY THE TORAH EVERY DAY AND LIVE MY LIFE PEACEFULLY. AND THE GIRLS ARE SO LOVELY, LOVELY, THEIR VIRGIN LIPS UNKISSED BY WORRY, FEAR, PROTECTED BY A COMMUNAL JEWISH BLISS.
(TRISTAN enters, tumbling in from stage left.)
TRISTAN Whoa! (stops tumbling, center stage, and ends up lying on the ground) That was quite a fall.
OLD MAN (looks to heavens) Thank you. (to self) Be still, my heart.
(TRISTAN gets up and looks around, but doesn't see OLD MAN yet.)
TRISTAN I wonder where I am?
OLD MAN (to TRISTAN, sounding far away) Hello.
(TRISTAN hears OLD MAN, but still doesn't see him.)
TRISTAN Hello?
OLD MAN (to self) Oh, be still, my heart. (to TRISTAN, playfully, but still sounding far away) Hello.
(TRISTAN begins backing up towards OLD MAN.)
TRISTAN Hello? Is anybody there?
OLD MAN HELLO, HELLO. IT'S ME. HELLO, HELLO. IT'S ME. HELLO, HELLO. IT'S ME. HELLO, HELLO. IT'S ME.
WOO!
(TRISTAN falls back onto the bench, to the left of OLD MAN on
"woo.")
OLD MAN (cont.) (to self) My prayers have been answered.
(to TRISTAN) And what is your name, my child?
TRISTAN Tristan.
OLD MAN Tristan, Tristan. Isn't that a young man's name?
TRISTAN I don't know.
OLD MAN (looks over TRISTAN's body) But you're not a young man, are you?
TRISTAN (slightly uncomfortable, but trying to be polite) Oh no. I'm a young woman. A girl-woman.
OLD MAN (to self) Ah, a girl-woman. The best kind. I think. (to TRISTAN) Forgive me, Tristan. It's just that when you get to be my age, you
just can't contain yourself sometimes.
TRISTAN Mm.
OLD MAN I mean you just can't
contain yourself sometimes. Do you un-der-stand what I'm
trying to say to you
here, Tristan.
TRISTAN (a little nervous, but still trying to be polite) Just can't
contain yourself sometimes.
OLD MAN (shudder) Rrrrr.
TRISTAN (still trying to be polite) Rrrrr.
OLD MAN (with more feeling) Rrrrr.
TRISTAN (sort of playing along) Rrrrr.
OLD MAN (cuts loose) RRRRR!
TRISTAN (very uncomfortable, realizing she has to end this) I have to go now.
(TRISTAN gets up and exits, stage right. OLD MAN watches her go,
then returns to his own thoughts.)
OLD MAN THE TIME IS NEAR. THE DAYS GROW COLDER. YOU LOOK WITHIN AND FIND YOU'RE OLDER THAN YOU'D REALLY LIKE TO BE IN ALL YOUR BROKEN DREAMS.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THE LOOKING GLASS THAT REARRANGES EVERYTHING THAT YOU DESIRED, SO MANY YEARS AGO.
THEN RRRRR. RRRRR! SOMETHING IN YOUR HEART BEGINS TO STIRRRRR! THEN TO HELL WITH ALL THE CONSEQUENCES THAT YOU MAY INCUR. IT'S RRRRR. RRRRR. RRRRR!
(OLD MAN exits, stage right, as MUSIC from the next song begins.
Three OLD RAPPERS enter rapping, stage right. Maybe LIGHTS start to
flash or something to give a surreal feeling.)
OLD RAPPERS JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT! JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT! JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT!
(OLD MAN, dressed in hip-hop attire, enters, stage right, and takes
center stage.)
OLD MAN A-WHEN YA SEES A SOMETHIN'
THAT YA NEED, YOU GOTSTA GRAB IT WITH BOTH HANDS
AND SQUEEZE. AND POP IT IN YOUR MOUTH
JUST LIKE A CHEEZ-IT. AND EASE IT.
(OLD MAN does some sexually suggestive dance moves. OLD RAPPERS
watch him approvingly and offer words of encouragement.)
OLD RAPPER 1 Mm hm.
OLD RAPPER 2 You got it, baby.
OLD RAPPER 3 Show them how it's done, old man! Show them how it's done!
OLD MAN THEN FREEZE IT.
(OLD MAN does more suggestive dance moves.)
OLD RAPPER 1 Oh yeah.
OLD RAPPER 2 Don't hold back, baby.
OLD RAPPER 3 Show it no mercy, old man! Show it no mercy!
OLD MAN THEN SLEEZE IT. WOO!
(OLD MAN cuts loose with some very suggestive dance moves.)
OLD RAPPERS JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT! JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT! JUST CAN'T STOP A LOVE LIKE THAT!
(OLD MAN finishes his dance, then swaggers off, stage right, to the
dangerous rhythms and noises of the music, followed by the approving
OLD RAPPERS as the LIGHTS FADE.)
ACT 1 scene 3
OUTSIDE
(MISSILE GIRL stands singing, center stage. The back end of a
missile is sticking out of the top of her head at a slight angle.)
MISSILE GIRL OH, I DESPISE AMERICA. AMERICA. AMERICA. OH, I DESPISE AMERICA. AMERICA, USA.
(TRISTAN enters, stage left. She stands, stage left, but doesn't see
MISSILE GIRL yet.)
TRISTAN Well, that was strange, but I must keep pressing forward. (sees MISSILE GIRL) Oh look, maybe she can help. (approaches MISSILE GIRL.)
MISSILE GIRL FOR IN THE LAND OF OPEN SPACE, THE HUMAN RACE, ELECTION DAY.
BIG STORES, BIG PRISONS, ALL CONSPIRE TO MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND.
TRISTAN Excuse me.
MISSILE GIRL (apparently doesn't notice TRISTAN yet.) OH, I DESPISE AMERICA . . .
TRISTAN Hello?
(MISSILE GIRL seems to be aware of TRISTAN's presence now and
alternates between singing and quick, but friendly, responses.)
MISSILE GIRL AMERICA . . . (to TRISTAN) Hello. (sings) AMERICA . . .
TRISTAN I was just wondering . . .
MISSILE GIRL (to TRISTAN) Yes? (sings) OH, I DESPISE AMERICA . . .
TRISTAN I mean I don't mean to interrupt – you have a lovely voice, by the
way . . .
MISSILE GIRL (to TRISTAN) Thank you. (sings) AMERICA, USA.
TRISTAN But I was wondering . . .
(MISSILE GIRL has finished singing for now and devotes her full
attention to TRISTAN.)
MISSILE GIRL Yes?
TRISTAN if you could tell me . . .
MISSILE GIRL Yes?
TRISTAN where I am . . . exactly.?
MISSILE GIRL Hm. I don't know if I should.
TRISTAN Oh, I understand. (indicates missile) Is it painful?
MISSILE GIRL You learn to live.
TRISTAN Gosh, well how did it happen? If you don't mind my asking.
MISSILE GIRL Oh, you know. You walk around, living your life, then one day, you
cross paths with the wrong people and they drop a bomb on your head.
TRISTAN That's terrible.
MISSILE GIRL Yes. And if they decide to detonate, well . . .
(MISSILE GIRL makes an explosion sound.)
TRISTAN Well, I wouldn't want that to happen.
MISSILE GIRL No.
TRISTAN Well, I guess I'll be moving along then.
MISSILE GIRL Thank you for your support.
(TRISTAN starts to exit, stage right. MISSILE GIRL resumes her
singing.)
MISSILE GIRL (cont.) OH, I DESPISE AMERICA. AMERICA. AMERICA . . .
(TRISTAN stops and turns back to MISSILE GIRL.)
TRISTAN Oh, one more thing . . .
MISSILE GIRL Yes?
TRISTAN I mean I don’t want to get you into trouble or anything . . .
MISSILE GIRL Yes?
TRISTAN but could you tell me how to get out of here?
MISSILE GIRL Oh. Well. The same way you got in, I suppose.
TRISTAN (not sure she understands) Oh. All right. Well, thank you, I guess.
MISSILE GIRL Mm hm.
(TRISTAN exits, stage right. MISSILE GIRL watches her go, then
resumes her singing.)
MISSILE GIRL (cont.) OH, I DESPISE AMERICA. AMERICA. AMERICA. OH, I DESPISE AMERICA. AMERICA, USA.
(LIGHT FADES on MISSILE GIRL as she's finishing her song. A
SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on four to six, male and female SINGERS.)
(At the end of many scenes, a singer or singers will sing a
stand-alone song. They may either be standing with the band, if the
band is facing the audience, or standing stage right or someplace
else. Probably not stage left.)
SINGERS ARRIVEDERCI, A MI AMORÉ, A MI AMORE. ARRIVEDERCI, A MI AMORÉ, A MI AMORE. ARRIVEDERCI, ARRIVEDERCI, A MI AMORÉ. ARRIVEDERCI, ARRIVEDERCI, A MI AMORE.
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 1 scene 4
OUTSIDE
(SWEEPER, in work clothes and orange safety vest, is sweeping with a
push broom. WHIP MAN, in a suit, watches SWEEPER closely and writes
things down on a clipboard every once in awhile. SWEEPER bends over
to pick something up. WHIP MAN goes over, pushes him to the ground,
then takes out a whip and starts whipping him. TRISTAN rushes in, stage left.)
TRISTAN Stop that! What are you doing? My God!
(POLICE OFFICER enters, stage left. TRISTAN rushes to him and points
to WHIP MAN.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Officer! Officer! Arrest that man!
(POLICE OFFICER goes over to WHIP MAN and SWEEPER.)
POLICE OFFICER All right. Break it up, you two. (pulls SWEEPER up by the collar.) Why'd ya do it, Lefty?
(SWEEPER is not played by the same actor who played SCRUFFY MAN, nor
do they physically resemble one another.)
TRISTAN Not him! (points to WHIP MAN) Him!
(POLICE OFFICER is confused.)
WHIP MAN That's all right, officer. Good work.
(POLICE OFFICER lets SWEEPER go. WHIP MAN cheerfully addresses SWEEPER.)
WHIP MAN (cont.) All right. Back to work.
(SWEEPER picks up his broom and starts sweeping again. WHIP MAN
watches over him again. POLICE OFFICER starts to exit, stage left.)
TRISTAN (upset) Wait a minute.
(POLICE OFFICER stops.)
WHIP MAN What.
TRISTAN You beat this poor man, then go on as if nothing's happened?
WHIP MAN Not at all. Our workfare participant has just learned an important
lesson on the value of an honest day’s work.
(SWEEPER and POLICE OFFICER nod.)
TRISTAN By beating him?
WHIP MAN When people fall they need a little incentive to get back up again.
TRISTAN Get back up! You pushed him!
WHIP MAN No, I didn't.
TRISTAN Yes you did! I saw you!
WHIP MAN I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. Besides, our workfare participant is
free to leave the program whenever he wants to. (to audience) After all, this is still America.
WHEN MY FATHER WAS A YOUNG BOY, HE SAILED THE SEVEN SEAS IN SEARCH OF FREEDOM AND OF GOLD
– A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.
SWEEPER AND POLICE OFFICER A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.
WHIP MAN AND WHEN HE FOUND AMERICA, HE KNEW THAT HE COULD BE A MAN OF SUBSTANCE, GOALS AND DREAMS
– A WIFE, A HOME, A FAMILY.
SWEEPER AND POLICE OFFICER A WIFE, A HOME, A FAMILY. THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.
WHIP MAN BUT NOW, IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.
SWEEPER AND POLICE OFFICER IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.
WHIP MAN IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.
SWEEPER AND POLICE OFFICER IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.
WHIP MAN WHEN YOUR BODY STARTS A SHAKIN' AND YOUR FEVER STARTS A BREAKIN', THEN YOU KNOW THAT
IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.
TRISTAN Wait a minute. What does whipping a, a workfare participant have to
do with the Cold War?
WHIP MAN Well, you know, when Communism fell, it knocked the wind out of the
Communist-inspired or supported or whatever American welfare system.
TRISTAN What?
WHIP MAN WHEN THE SOVIET UNION DIED
SWEEPER AND POLICE OFFICER WHEN THE SOVIET UNION DIED
WHIP MAN AND ROOSEVELT WELFARE, TOO
SWEEPER AND POLICE OFFICER AND ROOSEVELT WELFARE, TOO
TRISTAN BUT WE STILL HAVE SOCIAL SECURITY AND PENSION PLANS AS A SURETY. ISN'T THAT COMMUNIST THEORY, TOO.
WHIP MAN THAT'S COMMUNIST THEORY FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS.
SWEEPER AND POLICE OFFICER THAT'S COMMUNIST THEORY FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS.
WHIP MAN SO THAT'S OK.
SWEEPER AND POLICE OFFICER SO THAT'S OK.
(SWEEPER points to POLICE OFFICER on "that's OK.")
WHIP MAN BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO THE POOREST, THEN YOU'D BETTER JOIN THE CHORUS AND JUST SAY THAT
IT'S JUST A POST-COLD-WAR WORLD.
SO, JUMP DOWN. TURN AROUND. PICK A BALE OF COTTON. HAA! (cracks whip on spoken "haa!") JUMP DOWN. TURN AROUND. PICK A BALE ALL DAY. (gets down on one knee and spreads hands like Al Jolson, but doesn't
sound like him) OH, MAMMY!
POLICE OFFICER (to SWEEPER, handing him the broom) PICK A BALE OF COTTON.
WHIP MAN OH, MAMMY!
POLICE OFFICER (to SWEEPER, twirling nightstick) PICK A BALE ALL DAY.
(SWEEPER starts sweeping until WHIP MAN links elbows with him and
starts dancing him around an axis like in a square dance.)
WHIP MAN ME AND MY PARTNER CAN PICK A BALE OF COTTON. HAA! (cracks whip on spoken "haa!", then links their other elbows and dances
around in the other direction) ME AND MY PARTNER CAN PICK A BALE ALL DAY. (unlinks from SWEEPER and kneels down like Jolson again) OH, MAMMY!
POLICE OFFICER (to SWEEPER, pushing him down on one knee) PICK A BALE OF COTTON.
TRISTAN I'm reporting this to the authorities.
WHIP MAN (to TRISTAN) Sorry, I'm busy!
OH, MAMMY!
POLICE OFFICER (to SWEEPER, pushing SWEEPER's hands up like WHIP MAN's with his
nightstick) PICK A BALE ALL DAY.
(WHIP MAN rises, pulling a slightly dazed SWEEPER up also.)
WHIP MAN (to TRISTAN) Look! I'm helping him get back on his feet!
(WHIP MAN links elbows with SWEEPER and they exit kick dancing,
stage left. POLICE OFFICER follows them, not dancing, but nodding
his approval.)
WHIP MAN (cont.) WE'RE GOING DOWNTOWN TO PICK A BALE OF COTTON. HAA! (cracks whip on spoken "haa!") WE'RE GOING DOWNTOWN TO PICK A BALE ALL DAY. HAAAA! (cracks whip off-stage on spoken "haaaa!")
TRISTAN (to self, looking towards stage left exit) Well, that was unfortunate, but I must keep pressing forward. And I
think I might have meant Socialist, not Communist, theory. (to audience) See what happens when you don't go to grad school. (to self) Oh, and I forgot to ask them how to get out of here. (A push broom is tossed from off-stage left to TRISTAN's feet. She
picks it up, silently reads a tag that's attached to the handle,
then sourly relates to the audience what was on the tag.) Socialist broom stick. (tosses the broom back, stage left, then addresses the person who
threw it, off-stage left) No thanks! Roosevelt had the WPA program, remember? They were
inclusive, not punitive! (sighs, then to self) Well, I guess I should keep pressing forward then.
(TRISTAN starts to exit, stage left, but thinks better of it and
exits, stage right. The LIGHTS FADE as she exits and the MUSIC
begins. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER.)
SINGER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME CRY YOU'D BETTER SHUT THE DOOR, CUZ I FEEL THAT I'M ABOUT TO START JUST LIKE BEFORE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T SEE WHEN I AM FEELING BLUE, CUZ WHEN YOU'RE DOWN YOU KNOW THAT I AM RIGHT DOWN THERE WITH YOU.
IT'S NOT SOMETHING I LIKE TO SAY. BUT WHEN I FEEL SAD IN THIS OLD WAY.
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT MEAN OR CRUEL YOU JUST SAY WHAT YOU SAY. IT'S JUST THAT I DO SOMETIMES WISH MY LIFE COULD GO ANOTHER WAY.
SO IF LOVE IS SOMETHING IN WHICH YOU DO NOT BELIEVE. AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME CRY . . . IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME CRY . . . THEN YOU'D BETTER SHUT THE DOOR OR LEAVE.
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 1 scene 5
OUTSIDE
(TRISTAN enters, stage left.)
TRISTAN Hm. I don't seem to be getting anyplace. If only the people down
here were more helpful. I'm sure I'd be much further along.
(Four DUCKS enter, stage right. TRISTAN sees them.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Oh look, maybe they can help. (to DUCKS) Excuse me, excuse me. Could you please tell me where I am?
(The DUCKS stop.)
DUCK 1 Why of course. You're in . . .
DUCKS YOU'RE IN
BEAVERTOWN, CALIFORNIA. YOU'RE IN BEAVERTOWN, USA. YOU'RE IN BEAVERTOWN, CALIFORNIA. YOU'RE IN BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN,
BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN.
BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN,
BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN.
BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN,
BEAVERTOWN, BEAVERTOWN.
TRISTAN Oh. Well. Where are the beavers then?
DUCK 1 Why would you want to see a beaver when you can see a duck?
(DUCKS do a "ta da" pose. Maybe they say "ta da," too.)
TRISTAN But why would I want to see a duck at all?
DUCK 4 They can fly! (spreads her wings and runs around like she's flying) Whee!
(5-10 or more DUCKS enter, stage left, as the MUSIC begins. Maybe
DUCKS can file across the stage in opposing directions like in a
shooting gallery at some point. Also, maybe it would be good if this
song sounded like a chorus was singing it.)
DUCKS DUCKS, DUCKS, DUCKS. SO HAPPY AND PEACEFUL ARE WE. DUCKS, DUCKS, DUCKS. CONTENTED AND LOVING AND FREE. IN OUR WORLD THERE NEVER IS WORRY OR FEAR. WE GLIDE O'ER THE WATER, OUR SONS AND OUR DAUGHTERS SWIM IN A STRAIGHT LINE AT OUR TAILS. A QUACK OR TWO AS WE ASSAIL
DUCK 2 (to TRISTAN, in passing) Quack quack.
DUCK 3 (to TRISTAN, in passing) Quack quack.
DUCK 4 (to TRISTAN, in passing) Quack quack.
ALL DUCKS NUTS, BUGS, BREAD. THE APPLES OF OUR ROVING EYES. IN OUR HEADS, THE HEAVENLY MORSELS WE PRIZE. WATCH US SWOON AS WE SETTLE DOWN TO OUR MEALS. WITH LOVING EMBRACES, WE SCOOP UP THE TRACES OF KINDNESSES LEFT IN OUR TRAILS, CONTENT FROM OUR HEADS TO OUR TAILS.
DUCK 2 (to TRISTAN, in passing) Quack quack.
DUCK 3 (to TRISTAN, in passing) Quack quack.
DUCK 4 (to TRISTAN, in passing) Quack quack.
TRISTAN Well, that's all very well for all of you. But what about me?
(Maybe during an instrumental interlude and buildup, the DUCKS can
spread out in a formal pattern across the stage for the start of
this next verse, standing with their wings raised at their sides
like they're addressing the audience, maybe even in a V-pattern like
ducks in flight. Then they individually start falling out of the
formation as the verse progresses and do whatever they were doing
before.)
DUCKS QUACK, QUACK, QUACK. THE WORDS THAT ALL DUCKS LOVE TO SAY. OFF OUR BACKS, EACH DROPLET OF RAIN ROLLS AWAY. IN A GROOVE, OUR LIVES COULDN'T BE MORE SERENE. WHEN WINTER APPROACHES AND DARKNESS ENCROACHES, WE FLY OFF LIKE BIRDS ON A WING. INSTINCTIVELY KNOWING WHERE WE SHOULD BE GOING.
WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR IN SPRING.
TRISTAN But what about me?
(DUCKS start filing out, stage left.)
DUCKS (softly) DUCKS, DUCKS, DUCKS. SO HAPPY AND PEACEFUL ARE WE. DUCKS, DUCKS, DUCKS. CONTENTED AND LOVING AND FREE . . .
TRISTAN How do I get out of here?
DUCKS (softly) IN OUR WORLD, THERE NEVER IS WORRY OR FEAR.
(DUCK 1 hands TRISTAN a sheet of paper in passing.)
DUCKS (cont.) WE GLIDE O'ER THE WATER, OUR SONS AND OUR DAUGHTERS SWIM IN A STRAIGHT LINE AT OUR TAILS. A QUACK OR TWO AS WE ASSAIL . . .
DUCK 4 (to TRISTAN, over her shoulder as she exits) Quack quack.
(TRISTAN stands watching the DUCKS exit. DUCK 4 was the last.)
TRISTAN (to self) Well, singing’s nice, but I think I need something more. (looks at paper) Maybe this will help. (reads) Keep your head above water. (to self) Well, I guess that's kind of a common sense thing to say. (reads) Beware of decoys. (to self) Huh. I wonder why they'd say that? (reads) Ducks are quadra-amphibious.
(Four to six PIGEONS enter, stage right. They stand, stage right,
observing TRISTAN, who doesn't see them yet. TRISTAN continues
speaking to herself.)
PIGEON 1 That's right. Cuz you ain't no duck, chicky.
(TRISTAN hears, but hasn't seen, PIGEON 1 yet.)
TRISTAN Oh yeah? Well, I ain't no chicky, (turns to address PIGEON 1) pigeon.
PIGEON 2 She ain't no nuthin'.
PIGEON 3 Strange bird.
TRISTAN I'm not a bird. I'm a young woman.
PIGEON 1 A
young woman.
TRISTAN That's right. A young woman, you pigeon-bastard.
(PIGEONS start cackling to each other.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Would you stop that? My God, you pigeons are annoying.
(PIGEON 1 gets the others to stifle their laughter.)
PIGEON 1 (mock innocent) Pigeons? But we're not pigeons.
We're young women!
(PIGEONS laugh and start to mockingly act like young women.)
TRISTAN (to self) So rude.
(TRISTAN starts to exit.)
PIGEON 1 Wait! Don't you want to hear our song?
TRISTAN No!
PIGEON 1 Wait! Don't you want to hear me play the harmonica?
(TRISTAN stops, then turns around to set him straight.)
TRISTAN Pigeons cannot play the harmonica.
(PIGEON 1 looks confidently at TRISTAN.)
OTHER PIGEONS (separately) He can! He can!
TRISTAN You need lips to play the harmonica. (points to her lips) Lips! Lips!
OTHER PIGEONS (separately) He can! He can! (to PIGEON 1, separately) Show her! Show her!
(TRISTAN comes over to PIGEON 1 who takes out a harmonica and brings
it to his beak.)
PIGEON 1 (to TRISTAN) Ready?
TRISTAN It's your funeral.
(PIGEON 1 almost begins, then stops.)
PIGEON 1 (to TRISTAN) Prepare to be amazed.
TRISTAN Just do it.
(PIGEON 1 commences with a pathetic series of pecks and stray notes.
When he's finished, he waits for what he's sure will be a
complimentary response from TRISTAN, but TRISTAN is not impressed at
all.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Give me that.
(TRISTAN snatches the harmonica from PIGEON 1 and begins a
soulful rendition of "MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME." She stops briefly and
looks up at PIGEON 1.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Lips. Lips.
(TRISTAN continues with her soulful rendition, but PIGEON 1 can't
stand being shown up and snatches his harmonica back. TRISTAN is
unperturbed.)
TRISTAN (cont.) And that's how you play the harmonica.
PIGEON 1 You think you're pretty clever, don't you.
TRISTAN (fake modesty) No. I just did what any 6-year-old child could do. (for the other PIGEONS) A human child, that is.
(The other PIGEONS start grumbling. PIGEON 1 goes over to them. They
confer, then PIGEON 1 returns to TRISTAN.)
PIGEON 1 (spoken) THINK YOU'RE PRETTY CLEVER, BRIGHTER THAN THE SKY. WHEN TROUBLE REARS ITS UGLY HEAD, YOU PUNCH IT IN THE EYE.
(The other PIGEONS start circling around TRISTAN.)
TRISTAN Remember, you were mean to me first.
PIGEON 1 (spoken) FIRST OR SECOND, THIRD OR LAST, IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING. FOR WHEN YOU'VE CROSSED A PIGEON'S PATH, (sung) YOU'LL FEEL THE CRUSH OF A PIGEON'S WING.
PIGEONS THE PIGEONS ARE GONNA GETCHA, IF YOU DON'T WATCH OUT. (COO, COO, COO.) THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE OUT, YOU BETCHA, YOU'RE GONNA WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT. (OH, OH, OH!) YOU KNOW WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT, YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE DRIVIN' RAIN. (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!)
(A different PIGEON pelts TRISTAN
with an exploding bag of white pigeon poop with each "yeah.")
PIGEONS (cont.) DON'T GIVE US YOUR POO CUZ YOU KNOW YOU WILL BE GETTING IT BACK AGAIN.
(A PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)
PIGEONS (cont.) AND AGAIN.
(Another PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)
PIGEONS (cont.) AND AGAIN.
(Another PIGEON fakes a throw causing TRISTAN to flinch.)
PIGEONS (cont.) AND AGAIN.
TRISTAN YOU KNOW, HEY, I'M REALLY SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE JUST CUT AND RUN.
(PIGEONS fake a group bombardment.)
TRISTAN (cont.)
(spoken or sung-spoken) (NO, NO, NO!)
(sung) BUT WHEN YOU MADE FUN OF ME, WELL, I HAD TO SHOW YOU ALL HOW IT WAS DONE.
(PIGEONS fake another bombardment.)
TRISTAN (cont.)
(spoken or sung-spoken) (PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!)
(sung) I THINK THAT YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING. IT WAS ENVY, I JUST HAVE TO SAY.
(PIGEONS start making bombardment motions again with TRISTAN going
into a defensive crouch.)
TRISTAN (cont.) (spoken) (NOT IN THE FACE.)
(But this time, the PIGEONS mercilessly bomb TRISTAN with the
exploding bags. Maybe near the end, some of the PIGEONS make bombing
noises when they throw their bags. After they're finished, TRISTAN
looks sheepishly up from her crouching position. The area of her
clean protected face is clearly demarcated from the rest of her
white-goo-covered body.)
TRISTAN (cont.) (sung) SO IF IT PLEASE YOU WELL, I GUESS THAT I'LL JUST BE GOING ON MY OWN WAY.
PIGEON 1 (mock conciliatory) Well, she does seem repentant.
PIGEON 2 (mock conciliatory) And we did slightly disparage her in the beginning.
(A CHILD PIGEON enters, stage right. He runs up to TRISTAN and holds
out a towel.)
TRISTAN Is that for me?
(CHILD PIGEON starts to hand TRISTAN the towel, then pulls it away.)
CHILD PIGEON No.
(He scampers to the adult PIGEONS who laugh approvingly.)
PIGEON 1 Well, our work is done here. Come along, piggies, let's leave this
young woman to think about what's just happened here.
(PIGEONS exit, stage left)
PIGEON 2 Pigeons rule!
PIGEON 3 Pigeon stool!
(PIGEONS exit laughing. TRISTAN rises. Maybe her goo-covered body
with her still-clean face makes her look a little like a bird, but
she doesn't play this up.)
TRISTAN Oh, what a nasty world this is.
(MUSIC starts as four to six male and female SINGERS enter, stage
right, with buckets of water, sponges and mops. They dump the water
over TRISTAN and quickly clean her off and mop up the excess water as
they sing.)
SINGERS CHILL, BRO, CHILL. IT'S NOT SUCH A VERY BIG OF A DEAL. WE FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL. SO CHILL, BRO, CHILL.
KEEP IT REAL. ALL WOUNDS WILL EVENTUALLY HEAL. WE FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL. SO CHILL, BRO, CHILL.
(SINGERS exit, stage right. TRISTAN considers her present condition,
then starts exiting as well, stage right.)
TRISTAN (to off-stage SINGERS) Hey, how about a towel? And I'm not a bro, I'm a "sista!"
(As TRISTAN is exiting, the LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC for the next
song begins. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a male or female SINGER.)
SINGER ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. BUT THEY DON’T LOOK HAPPY, LIKE THEY'RE JUST FINISHING UP WITH A GOD DAMN, KNOCKDOWN,
DRAG OUT FIGHT. OR IS IT JUST ME, KINDA UGLY AND FREE, SUCKING ALL THE AIR OUT OF SIGHT? CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
BUT HONEY, I DON'T CARE.
LIFE'S UNFAIR.
FULL OF ANGER AND STRIFE. AND WHAT DOES IT MATTER SINCE YOU DON'T LOVE ME, ANYWAY? BUT IF YOU HELD MY HAND, I COULD FEEL
A DIFFERENT KIND OF BEAUTY INSIDE. AND TO FEEL THAT FEELING WOULD BE GOOD, I THINK.
CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. BUT THEY DON'T LOOK HAPPY, LIKE THEY'RE JUST FINISHING UP WITH A GOD DAMN, KNOCKDOWN,
DRAG OUT FIGHT. OR IS IT JUST ME, KINDA UGLY AND FREE, SUCKING ALL THE AIR OUT OF SIGHT? CUZ ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. AND ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
GO OUT THERE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 2 scene 1
SEBASTIAN’S ROOM. Very messy.
(SEBASTIAN, a teenage boy, sleeps in his bed. His SISTER enters,
stage right, and is disgusted by both the mess and her lazy brother.
She goes over to SEBASTIAN, takes out an air horn can and lets loose
an ear-splitting blast. SEBASTIAN is startled awake.)
SEBASTIAN
I'm up! I'm up!
SISTER How can you live like this?
(SEBASTIAN falls back into bed again.)
SEBASTIAN Like what.
(SISTER lets loose another blast and SEBASTIAN is startled again.)
SISTER (picks up various items) Like this! And this! You can't just close your eyes to some things
in this world, Sebastian!
(SISTER throws the items on SEBASTIAN.)
SEBASTIAN (starting to relax again) Would you please?
(SISTER lets loose another blast and SEBASTIAN reacts again.)
SISTER Get with the program, Sebastian!
SEBASTIAN What program?
SISTER The Clean-Up-Your-Room Program, Sebastian! The Clean-Up-Your-Room!
(The MUSIC starts as SEBASTIAN groans, then rolls face down into his
pillow. SISTER throws up her hands, then yanks her brother out of
bed to set him straight with her sisterly rap song.)
SISTER WELL, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA ZOOM-A WHEN YOU CLEAN-A UP YOUR ROOM-A CUZ YOU'RE CUTTIN' OUT THE TUMA IN YOUR HEAD. HA! (hits him on the head on "ha") CUZ THE FILTH IS HITTIN' CRISIS AND YOU'RE KNOWIN' WHAT THE VICE IS, (snatches up pillow) WHEN THE MOLD BENEATH YOUR PILLOW
STARTS TO SHED. YUK! (tosses pillow at SEBASTIAN on "yuk")
SEBASTIAN HEY, BIG SISSA, DON'T BE STRESSIN'. LITTLE BRUDA BE ADDRESSIN' ACCUSATIONS OF THE MESS IN THIS HERE ROOM. YA! (flicks fingers in SISTER's face like casting a spell on "ya") TROOT, YOU BE A-GUILIN'. LITTLE DIRT WON'T HURT MY STYLIN'. WHEN I'M HERE, I'M JUST A-SMILIN'. IT'S DA BOOM. ZA!
(SEBASTIAN flicks fingers in SISTER's face on "za." A teen boy,
hip-hop-like, CHORUS LINE enters dancing, stage right.)
CHORUS LINE BOOM. BOOM BOOM. DA BOOM. BOOM BOOM. DA BOOM. BOOM BOOM. DA BOOM.
BOOM. BOOM BOOM. DA BOOM. BOOM BOOM. DA BOOM. BOOM BOOM. DA BOOM.
SISTER WELL, THE TRUTH I AIN'T NO MEAN ONE. CUZ YOU KNOW THAT I'M THE CLEAN ONE. DIDN'T MEAN NO DISRESPECT FOR WHAT YOU SAID. BOO! (flicks fingers in SEBASTIAN's face on "boo") YOU MAY THINK I'M KINDA SCREWY, (shakes socks in SEBASTIAN's face) BUT YOUR SOCKS ARE GETTIN' CHEWY. AND YO MAMA'S YELLIN' SOOEY IN YOUR HEAD. CHECK IT OUT, HAA!
(SPOTLIGHT reveals MOTHER to be looking down on the proceedings from
a position above the rear of the stage.)
(MOTHER squeals and snorts like a pig, then her SPOTLIGHT FADES.)
SEBASTIAN WELL, BIG SIS, I SEE DA ERRA OF MY WAYS. YOU WAS DA BEARA OF GOOD NEWS. SO I'LL BE CLEANIN' RIGHT AWAY. YA! (flicks fingers at SISTER on "ya")
SISTER WELL, DON'T KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST YA. BUT, LITTLE BRO, DON'T WANNA BUST YA. SO I'LL LEAVE YOU NOW
WITH JUST THESE WORDS TO SAY. WOOOO!
(SISTER and CHORUS LINE exit, stage right.)
SISTER AND CHORUS LINE (to SEBASTIAN, jeering) PIG STY! PIG STY! PIG STY!
(SPOTLIGHT shines on MOTHER again.)
MOTHER HERE, PIG, PIG, PIG, PIG.
(MOTHER squeals and snorts like a pig, then her SPOTLIGHT FADES.
SEBASTIAN starts to clean, but soon he notices his nice soft bed. He
is torn between the two, but the bed wins and he blissfully flops
back into it.)
SEBASTIAN (sighs) I'll finish later.
(SEBASTIAN climbs under the covers and goes back to sleep. After a
few moments, a wet TRISTAN enters, stage right. She stops, stage
right.)
TRISTAN I guess it was nice of those singers to clean me up like that, but
they left me all wet and everything. And who knows what was in those
buckets. (sniffs sleeve) Probably twice-filtered poodle urine or
something. (stretches and yawns) And I'm just so tired, too. My God. (notices bed) Oh look, a bed. (goes to right side of bed, but doesn't see SEBASTIAN who's
completely under the covers on the left side) I wonder if I should . . . (feels mattress) Nice and soft.
(SEBASTIAN sighs and moves. TRISTAN pulls her hand back quickly and
reacts with a loud whisper.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Oh, oh! There seems to be somebody in there! (goes to SEBASTIAN's side of bed and pulls back the covers from his
head) It's a boy. (peers under the covers at the rest of SEBASTIAN) A teenage boy. (lowers
covers, then to audience) I should probably go. (starts to exit, stage right, then stops,
then to self.) On the other hand, I am tired. (returns to SEBASTIAN's side of bed) And he seems like such a sound sleeper.
(TRISTAN pokes SEBASTIAN who makes some noises which causes TRISTAN
to react, but he doesn't wake up. She pokes him again. He sighs, but
again doesn’t wake up.)
TRISTAN (cont.) (to audience.) I guess it'll be OK. (goes to the other side of the bed and starts to get in, but notices
her wet clothes.) I should probably get out of these wet clothes first. (starts stripping down to her underwear) I don't want to catch a cold.
(TRISTAN finishes undressing, then starts to get into bed again, but
sees a T-shirt nearby. She picks it up, considers her situation,
then puts it on. She crawls into bed, then lying on her back, closes
her eyes, sighs, then falls blissfully asleep.
(After awhile, SEBASTIAN lets out a medium-sized SNORE. TRISTAN
responds as if she's being aroused sexually, though she's still
asleep.)
(A little later, SEBASTIAN lets out another medium-sized SNORE.
TRISTAN again responds.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Oh yeah, baby.
(SEBASTIAN begins SNORING regularly now with each snore getting
louder and more forceful. TRISTAN continues responding to each snore
in a sexual manner with her volume and passion also rising.)
TRISTAN (cont.,
possible responses)
Oh yeah. Oo yeah. Mm, mm . . . That's it . . . Keep it coming, baby
. . . Oh baby, hooray!
(SEBASTIAN's SNORES are rattling the rafters now and are coming on
both his in and out breaths – amplify snores. Use recording, if necessary –
as TRISTAN responds loudly and dramatically over the all-consuming
snores.)
(TRISTAN has an enormous, bed-rocking orgasm as SISTER comes rushing
into the room.)
SISTER What the hell's going on here! (rushes over to SEBASTIAN and starts shaking him) Why aren't you cleaning up this room!
(SEBASTIAN is startled awake and starts screaming in confusion.
TRISTAN is also awake and scrambles out of bed. She starts fumbling
for her clothes, but SISTER rushes over to her.)
SISTER (cont.) And you!
TRISTAN (wide-eyed terror) Ahhh . . .
SISTER (grabs TRISTAN and starts shaking her) Who the hell do you think you are! Climbing into my little brother's
bed and doing God knows what!
TRISTAN I, I, I, I . . .
(SISTER pushes TRISTAN away.)
SISTER Go on! Go on! Trash!
Filth! Garbage!
(TRISTAN starts to stumble out, stage right.)
SISTER (cont.) Wait a minute!
(TRISTAN stops.)
SISTER (cont.) Is that your shirt!
(closer when TRISTAN doesn't answer right away) Is that your shirt!
TRISTAN I, I . . .
SISTER Well, don’t just stand there! Take it off!
(SISTER takes out her air horn can and gives TRISTAN a blast.
TRISTAN reacts, then starts to take off the T-shirt until SISTER
notices that TRISTAN is only wearing underwear underneath.)
SISTER (cont.) Keep it! Keep it!
(TRISTAN stops taking off the T-shirt and starts backing out.)
TRISTAN I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm . . .
SISTER You're, you're, you're, you're . . . We don't want to hear what you
have to say! Just go! Go, go, go!
(SISTER gives TRISTAN a parting blast. TRISTAN reacts, then
stumbles out, stage right. SISTER stands looking disapprovingly in
the direction of TRISTAN's exit. Then after things have settled down
a little . . . )
SEBASTIAN Women dig lived-in rooms.
(SISTER throws up her hands, then begins exiting, stage right. As
she exits, the LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC begins. A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP
on a female SINGER.)
SINGER THEY SAY THAT LIFE'S UNFAIR, THAT LOVE'S A DIRTY GAME. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT, OO OO. THANK GOD, FOR SEX IN THE BRAIN. IN THE BRAIN. IN THE BRAIN.
WHEN YOU CAME HERE TO ME, I KNEW THAT WE COULD BE SO LIKE NO OTHER, SO WITH EACH OTHER, OO OO, IN LOVE, IN LIFE, IN THE GAME. IN THE GAME. N THE GAME.
THEN YOU DID SOMETHING BAD. GAVE UP ALL THAT WE HAD. NOW YOU CAN'T STAY HERE. PLEASE GO AWAY, DEAR, OO OO, AND LIVE YOUR LIFE IN THE RAIN. IN THE RAIN. IN THE RAIN.
THEY SAY THAT LIFE'S UNFAIR, THAT LOVE'S A DIRTY GAME.
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT, OO OO. THANK GOD FOR SEX IN THE BRAIN. IN THE BRAIN. IN THE BRAIN.
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 2 scene 2
SEBASTIAN’S ROOM
(SEBASTIAN and HENNY, a teenage girl, lie in bed. They appear to be
naked under the covers.)
SEBASTIAN Well, you've done it again. Congratulations.
(HENNY shrugs.)
SEBASTIAN (cont.) Oh, here . . .
(SEBASTIAN reaches over, gets two cans of soda and hands one to
HENNY. They simultaneously open up their cans and take a drink.
SEBASTIAN takes a big drink. HENNY, a small one. They lie silently
for a little while, then SEBASTIAN sighs.)
HENNY What's the matter?
SEBASTIAN Oh, I don't know.
HENNY Mm.
(HENNY takes another small drink.)
SEBASTIAN You know, I'd always imagined it'd be different.
HENNY You mean . . .
SEBASTIAN Yeah.
HENNY Mm. Well, you seemed happy.
SEBASTIAN Oh, I was. I am. In my body.
(HENNY shrugs.)
HENNY What else is there?
SEBASTIAN In my mind, Henny! In my mind!
HENNY Oh. Well. What's in your mind then?
SEBASTIAN Oh. I
can't say. It's too personal. Too intimate.
HENNY (deadpan) Tell me.
SEBASTIAN (slightly squeamish) I can't.
HENNY (deadpan) Tell me.
SEBASTIAN (slightly squeamish) I can't.
HENNY (deadpan) Tell me.
(SEBASTIAN struggles mightily before giving in.)
SEBASTIAN All right!
Now. Do you know how beautiful you are?
HENNY Yes.
SEBASTIAN Well, when we make love, I, Sebastian, would like to feel as
beautiful as you look. Do you know what I mean?
(HENNY nods then shakes her head.)
SEBASTIAN (cont.) OK. Let me put it another way. You said you knew how beautiful you
are, right?
(HENNY nods.)
SEBASTIAN (cont.) Well, when we were making love, so to speak, did you feel that I was
as beautiful on the inside as you were on the outside.
(HENNY thinks it over.)
HENNY No.
SEBASTIAN Right. Why not.
HENNY (mildly sarcastic) I don't know.
SEBASTIAN Right. Well . . .
HENNY So what you're saying, Sebastian, is that you'd like to feel as
beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside, right?
(SEBASTIAN thinks it over.)
SEBASTIAN Right.
HENNY So why, if this is the case, do you think you were not able to
achieve this state of inner beauty.
(SEBASTIAN thinks it over.)
SEBASTIAN I don't know.
HENNY (patient, but firm) Yes you do.
SEBASTIAN No I don't.
HENNY Yes you do.
(Maybe SEBASTIAN starts to find this funny.)
SEBASTIAN No I don't.
(The LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC begins as SEBASTIAN and HENNY
continue with their "yes you do/no I don't" exchange, though HENNY's
"yes you do's" start to sound less formal and more like a teenage
girl's.
A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER.)
SINGER SOME PEOPLE YOU JUST WANT TO SCREW OR HAMMER OR NAIL AWAY. WITH OTHERS YOU THINK, IT MAY TAKE A DRINK TO MAKE THEM LOOK SORT OF OK.
OH, WHY THE DISPARITY IN SEX APPEAL? OH, WHY DO WE FEEL WHAT WE FEEL? IT SEEMS THAT WE SHOULD ONLY SLEEP WITH THE GOOD AND LET THE BAD WITHER AWAY.
WITHER, OH WITHER, AWAY, AWAY. WITHER, OH WITHER, AWAY. IT SEEMS THAT WE SHOULD ONLY SLEEP WITH THE GOOD AND LET THE BAD WITHER AWAY. OH, AND LET THE BAD WITHER AWAY.
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 2 scene 3
BALLERINA WOMAN’S ROOM
(TIED MAN sits blindfolded with a sleeping mask, stage right. He is
tied to a plain wooden chair with silk scarves, his legs spread
wide. His chair faces stage left. BALLERINA WOMAN, dressed in a
leotard, sits at a makeup table, stage left, that faces the
audience. She's applying makeup while looking at herself in the
table's mirrorless mirror frame. The audience can see her through
the frame.)
TIED MAN Can you please just tell me what you want? Tell me what you want and
I'm sure we can work something out.
(BALLERINA WOMAN smiles to herself and continues applying makeup.)
TIED MAN (cont.) Is it . . . is it something I did? Did I do something to upset you?
Is that it?
(BALLERINA WOMAN pulls a "well, what do you know" face, then
continues with her makeup. She appears to be making herself up as
some sort of demented Sugar Plum Fairy. TIED MAN struggles to free
himself, but finds it's useless.)
TIED MAN (cont.) Do I know you? Is that it? Do I know you and did I offend you in
some way?
(BALLERINA WOMAN finishes applying her makeup. She arranges her
hair, then puts on a tiara or whatever. Meanwhile, TIED MAN is beginning to lose
it a little.)
TIED MAN (cont.) Please tell me. I mean, God, can't you just tell me what you want? I
mean, what do you . . . what do you . . . why am I here? What have I
done?
(BALLERINA WOMAN checks herself in the mirror and is satisfied so
far. She then calmly puts on a pair of ballerina slippers while TIED
MAN tries to regain his composure.)
TIED MAN (cont.) Look, I'm not a wealthy man, OK? But, but you can have my car. And I have a few thousand in the bank. It's yours. (waits for a response, but there is none) And I think it's clear from what I've said so far that I don't know
who you are, right? So just, just let me go, you can have it all and
we can just forget this ever happened. (tries a reassuring chuckle) OK? (chuckles again, but after no response, a little desperation creeps
into his voice.) OK?
(BALLERINA WOMAN smiles to herself, delighted at the effect she's
having. She stands and puts on her tutu. TIED MAN hears her get up.)
TIED MAN (cont.) What. Was that you? Are, are you still here? Hello? Why won't you
answer me?
(BALLERINA WOMAN turns on a music device and positions herself in a
ballerina pose.)
TIED MAN (cont.) Listen! Just tell me what you want! Who are you! What do you want!
(When the
DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY music
begins, BALLERINA
WOMAN commences to dance her way across the stage while singing along
with the melody. Meanwhile, TIED MAN is appalled at what
he’s hearing, but continues trying to bargain his way
out.)
TIED MAN (cont.) Oh my God. Who are you? Why are you doing this? I, I can help you.
The finest doctors. Season tickets to the ballet. Anything! (starts crying) Oh God. Please! Please! Just let me go. I won't tell anyone. It's
all yours. I have nothing, but it's all yours! Please! Please!
(But BALLERINA WOMAN is determined. She's within striking distance
now and with one fell swoop, on the final note, she lunges with one
hand toward TIED MAN's testicles. The LIGHTS FADE as she's
swooping, so we don't actually see the grab, but a terrible
crunching sound is heard in the darkness, followed by the agonized
scream of TIED MAN.)
ACT 2 scene 4
STAGE
(In the darkness, the opening drumbeats of Thus Spake Zarathustra
are heard. Suddenly, on a big screen above the stage, an ATTRACTIVE
FEMALE in a very low-cut dress appears as a SPOTLIGHT reveals
three male SINGERS on the stage below gazing up reverently at the
larger-than-life spectacle.)
(The camera gracefully zooms in on the ATTRACTIVE FEMALE's boob
bottoms accompanied by futuristic swooshing sounds. The SINGERS then
repeatedly sing "boob bottoms" as subsequent ATTRACTIVE
FEMALES
appear on the screen in boob-bottom-accentuating attire.)
(Suddenly, the SINGERS stop their singing as magical twinkling notes
are heard as we are treated to an awe-inspiring, bottom or side
view, journey that goes across a pair of perfectly-formed boob
bottoms, moving slowly from left to right. The boob bottoms are set
off against a rich black background. When we reach the other side, a
magical buildup of cymbals or the Zarathustra drums are heard,
followed by a final, heartfelt "boob bottoms" by the male SINGERS.)
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 2 scene 5
BALLERINA WOMAN’S ROOM
The sleeping mask is on the seat of TIED MAN's chair. Some silk
scarves are tied to the chair while others are on the floor at its
base or trail out to the stage right exit.
(TRISTAN enters, stage right.)
TRISTAN Well, I didn't get much sleep back there, (feels hair) but I think I'm pretty dry now. (stands stage right, feels T-shirt) And I got this nice shirt, too. (looks over the room) Hm. I don't see any beds, (sees TIED MAN's chair) but maybe I can sit for awhile. (tries out chair) Mm. Well, this chair isn't very comfortable.
(TRISTAN reaches underneath her and pulls out the sleeping mask. She
puts it on, then puts her hands behind the chair's back and her feet
close to the chair's legs as if she's tied to it. She moves her head
around like she's looking around, but isn't sure if this suits her.)
TRISTAN (cont.) I don't know. (removes the mask, then goes to the makeup table and tries out that
chair.) Oh yes, this is much nicer. And look, I've got a table, too.
(TRISTAN looks over the makeup items on the table. She takes up a
powder pad or something, studies her face in the mirror, then starts
applying powder or something.
Soon, BALLERINA WOMAN enters, stage left, behind TRISTAN. She looks
normal now with regular hair, makeup and clothes. She carries a baby
in a blanket. She stands, center stage towards the rear, then speaks
nonchalantly.)
BALLERINA WOMAN Oh, is he gone?
(TRISTAN, caught unawares, stops applying makeup in midstroke. But
she doesn't want to appear out of place, so without turning around,
she tries a low-key response.)
TRISTAN He wasn't here when I got here.
BALLERINA WOMAN (sighs) Oh well. That's OK. (considers) I don't need him.
(TRISTAN turns to look at BALLERINA WOMAN. TRISTAN indicates the
baby.)
TRISTAN Is that . . .
BALLERINA WOMAN (slight laugh) Oh yeah. Who needs him though. (gives TRISTAN a mysterious smile) Right?
TRISTAN (shrugs, then mumbles) I don't need him.
(BALLERINA WOMAN laughs slightly, then appraises TRISTAN and
addresses her with a slightly teasing question, almost a challenge.)
BALLERINA WOMAN Wanna hold my baby?
TRISTAN Oh, no thank you.
BALLERINA WOMAN (a little softer, slightly assuring) Come on.
TRISTAN Well . . .
(TRISTAN goes over to BALLERINA WOMAN who places her baby in
TRISTAN's arms. TRISTAN gazes into the baby's face. She's beginning
to fall under the baby's spell and speaks softly.)
TRISTAN (cont.) She's very nice.
BALLERINA WOMAN (small laugh) Yeah, but he's a boy.
TRISTAN Oh . . .
(BALLERINA WOMAN studies TRISTAN some more, then moves closer and
speaks more intimately.)
BALLERINA WOMAN He likes you.
(But TRISTAN is a little lost in the baby experience and doesn't
respond. After a little while, BALLERINA WOMAN moves closer to
TRISTAN. She gently touches TRISTAN's arm and speaks intimately,
almost in a whisper.)
BALLERINA WOMAN (cont.) Would you mind watching him while I go fix him a bottle?
(The LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC begins as BALLERINA WOMAN exits,
stage left, and TRISTAN continues gazing into the baby's face. A
SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER.)
SINGER WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL
OF JUST TWENTY-THREE, MY FRIENDS ALL GOT MARRIED AND LIVED HAPPILY. THEY RAISED THEIR YOUNG FAMILIES
IN LIVES FILLED WITH JOY. A BIG HOUSE, A NICE JOB, OH BOY.
LOOK. SEE. SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME, HER EYES FILLED WITH STARLIGHT,
A WONDER TO SEE. HER FACE IS SO LOVELY, SHE MUST BE
BRAND NEW. BUT NOBODY APPRECIATES MY BABY. BUT NOBODY APPRECIATES MY BABY.
IT HAPPENED, IN AN INSTANT, AT TWENTY AND FOUR. WE WERE TO BE MARRIED, THE MAN I ADORE. BUT AS THE DAY DREW NEAR,
HE STARTED TO ROAM AND I WAS LEFT ALL ON MY OWN.
LOOK. SEE. SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME, HER EYES FILLED WITH STARLIGHT,
A WONDER TO SEE. HER FACE IS SO LOVELY, SHE MUST BE
BRAND NEW. BUT NOBODY APPRECIATES MY BABY. BUT NOBODY APPRECIATES MY BABY.
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 2 scene 6
OUTSIDE
(TRISTAN enters, stage right, carrying BALLERINA WOMAN's baby in a
blanket. A baby bag is slung over her shoulder and she holds a sheet
of paper in her hand.)
TRISTAN (half to herself, half to the baby) Oh, baby baby, I don't know if I'm ready to take care of you. (stops, stage right, and shows the baby the sheet of paper)
But your mama left this note saying that I should, so . . .
(Four to six WOMEN carrying babies in blankets enter talking, stage
left. They stop, stage left, and continue their conversation. They
apparently don't see TRISTAN yet.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Oh look, maybe they can help. Let's go see. (goes over to the WOMEN and tries to get their attention.) Excuse me. Hello. Hello?
(The WOMEN's conversation slowly peters out as they come to realized
that someone is trying to establish contact.)
(WOMAN 1 hands her baby to WOMAN 2 and approaches TRISTAN.)
WOMAN 1 Come on, come on. (takes baby from TRISTAN and looks it over in an impersonal manner) Huh. Not bad. (studies TRISTAN) Doesn't look like you though, does it.
TRISTAN I, uh . . .
(TRISTAN wants her baby back, but WOMAN 1, who studies TRISTAN some
more, isn’t helping much.)
WOMAN 1 You don't talk much, do you. (calls over to one of the other WOMEN) Hey Velma, whadya think?
(WOMAN 1 tosses TRISTAN's baby in a high arc across the stage to
VELMA who tosses her own baby to WOMAN 1 a moment after.)
TRISTAN
Ah! . . .
(TRISTAN relaxes a little when she sees VELMA safely catching her
baby. But her terror is quickly renewed when she sees that WOMAN 1
is making no effort to catch VELMA's incoming infant. TRISTAN
makes a lunging, last-second save. WOMAN 1 looks over at the other
WOMEN and nods her head in TRISTAN's direction with grudging
approval.)
WOMAN 1 (calls out to other WOMEN) So whadya think?
WOMAN 2 (motions with TRISTAN's baby) Looks like Betsy's kid.
WOMAN 1 Huh! Is that right. (to TRISTAN) Whadya say there, cutie pie? Look like Betsy's kid to you?
TRISTAN (fumbles for note that she dropped when she caught VELMA's baby) I . . . I . . .
(TRISTAN picks up the note and holds it out to WOMAN 1 who takes it
and looks it over.)
WOMAN 1 (reads note) To whom it may concern . . . (to TRISTAN) Is that you?
(TRISTAN peers uncomprehendingly at the note's contents. WOMAN 1 is
pleased at having rattled TRISTAN again.)
WOMAN 1 (cont.) (reads) Please look after my baby. Don't worry. You'll know what to do. (to self) Huh. (to TRISTAN) Is that right? You know what to do?
TRISTAN Well, I . . . I'm st –
(WOMAN 1 cuts TRISTAN off with a dismissive snort. She looks at the
note again, then shoves it close to TRISTAN's face.)
WOMAN 1 (mock angry) Hey! There's no signature here! Whadja do with it!
(TRISTAN tries reading the note.)
TRISTAN No, I uh . . .
(WOMAN 1 snorts dismissively, then calls out to VELMA.)
WOMAN 1 Hey Velma! Betsy gave up her kid again!
VELMA Is that right.
(WOMAN 1 regards TRISTAN suspiciously)
WOMAN 1 Where you from anyway.
TRISTAN Oh. I, uh, you know . . .
WOMAN 1 (sarcastic) Good.
(WOMAN 1 takes VELMA's baby from TRISTAN and gives her back the
note. As she's heading to rejoin her group, she calls back over her
shoulder to TRISTAN.)
WOMAN 1 (cont.) Well, good luck to you, Miss Note, you're gonna need it!
(TRISTAN runs after WOMAN 1.)
TRISTAN Wait! Wait! Why does Betsy keep giving up her baby?
WOMAN 1 (mocking) Oh. You know. I, I –
(WOMAN 1 makes a muddy fart sound and the WOMEN start to exit, stage left, but TRISTAN, still babyless, keeps
after them.)
TRISTAN But why? Why?
WOMAN 1 (imitates TRISTAN to VELMA) Why? Why?
(The WOMEN walk around the stage with TRISTAN following.)
TRISTAN But why would she do that? And why would she give him to me?
(WOMAN 1 shakes her head derisively at her similarly derisive
cohorts. TRISTAN runs in front of them and stands her ground causing
the WOMEN to stop. Then TRISTAN speaks, firmly and a little angry,
to WOMAN 1.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Well, she did give him to me. (shakes the note in WOMAN 1's face) And she gave me this note, too!
WOMAN 1 You wanna know why?
TRISTAN Yes.
WOMAN 1 Well, little girl, as the young woman in question used to
say . . .
OTHER WOMEN MY BABY STINKS.
TRISTAN What?
WOMAN 1 What? What? You heard them.
OTHER WOMEN MY BABY STINKS.
TRISTAN She gave up her baby because it smelled bad?
(WOMAN 1 shrugs.)
TRISTAN (cont.) But I thought babies were supposed to smell good.
(TRISTAN smells her baby bag. WOMAN 1 gives a derisive snort, then
rejoins the others who maybe start a heavy-footed kind of dance,
keeping time to the music with their stomping feet.)
WOMEN MY BABY STINKS. HE'S GOING IN AND OUT OF STYLE. MY BABY STINKS. ANOTHER DIAPER ON THE PILE. MY BABY STINKS. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE'S GOT. SLEEPS A LOT. IN A POT. MY BABY STINKS.
(TRISTAN takes her baby back.)
WOMEN (cont.) MY BABY STINKS.
(The WOMEN stop their dance when TRISTAN starts to sing.)
TRISTAN BUT MY BABY'S DIFF'RENT. A WHIFF FRONT AND BACK WILL TELL YOU IMMEDIATELY WHAT MY BABY LACKS.
(WOMAN 1 takes TRISTAN's baby, smells it, then hands it off to the
other WOMEN who do the same. They confer, then face TRISTAN again to
deliver their verdict.)
WOMEN YOUR BABY STINKS.
(The WOMEN start dancing again. Maybe at one point, they line up and
do their heavy-footed dance across the stage with TRISTAN emulating
them, but dancing backwards in front of them.)
WOMEN (cont.) THERE'S NO EXCEPTION TO THE RULE. YOUR BABY STINKS. HIS FUMES COULD GIVE A ROCKET SHIP ITS FUEL. YOUR BABY STINKS. PLEASE
PULL THE BLANKET FROM YOUR EYES. THERE'S NO DISGUISE. HE'S ATTRACTING FLIES. YOUR BABY STINKS. (swarm around TRISTAN making buzzing sounds.) YOUR BABY STINKS.
(The WOMEN make more buzzing sounds. TRISTAN takes her baby back.
The WOMEN stop buzzing when TRISTAN sings.)
TRISTAN I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'D SAY SUCH BAD THINGS, TO HURT HIM ON PURPOSE WITH THE WORDS THAT YOU SING. (starting to get agitated) ATTACKING HIM GLEEFULLY AT YOUR EVERY WHIM. (angry) IT'S MEAN. IT'S CRUEL. IT'S A BIG FAT LOAD OF BABY DROOL.
(The WOMEN look slightly taken aback. They confer, regroup, then
face TRISTAN again with their verdict.)
WOMEN WE HAVE TO GO. (start dancing again) IT'S BEEN A TRUE DELIGHT, MY DEAR, TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, UNDERSTAND YOU CLEARLY.
AND THEN SO, WE'RE OFF, WE'RE GONE JUST LIKE A BIRD TO LEAVE YOU WITH
THESE FEW WORDS. YOUR BABY STINKS. (start exiting, stage right) YOUR BABY STINKS.
VELMA (over her shoulder to TRISTAN) Pee yew!
WOMEN YOUR BABY STINKS.
WOMAN 1 (over her shoulder to TRISTAN) It's the way of the world, little girl!
(One of the WOMEN gives TRISTAN a long, loud raspberry. The WOMEN exit
laughing. TRISTAN watches them go as the LIGHTS FADE. A SPOTLIGHT
GOES UP on a MALE SINGER.)
MALE SINGER IT'S A LITTLE PUNGENT. BABY, HEAR MY PLEA. IT'S A LITTLE PUNGENT. AND A LOT OF ME.
BABY, IN THE EVENING, WHEN THE WIND BLOWS FREE, IT'S A LITTLE PUNGENT AND A LOT OF ME.
OH, MAN.
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 2 scene 7
OUTSIDE
(TRISTAN enters, stage right, carrying her baby.)
TRISTAN (sighs, then talks half to herself, half to her baby) Now I have two things to do, get out of here and find you a home.
(TRISTAN stops, center stage, gives the baby a longish kiss on the
forehead, then takes a bottle out of her bag and starts feeding
and softly singing to him.)
TRISTAN (cont.) HEY NEIGHBOR, HOW'S IT GOIN'? SEEMS LIKE WE'RE
GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT. JUST FINE AND CAREFREE,
TO AND FROIN'. WE'RE HAPPY
ALL THROUGH THE DAY AND NIGHT.
(TRISTAN takes the bottle from the baby's mouth, looks to see how
much is left, then puts it back in her bag. She then studies the
baby, sniffs him, then holds him over her shoulder.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Good baby.
(TRISTAN gently pats his back and he gives a little BABY BURP. Soon,
TIED MAN enters, stage left, limping slightly. He sees TRISTAN and
the baby and stops, stage left, to consider them. He then approaches, though they
haven't seen him yet. When he reaches TRISTAN, he
addresses her quietly.)
TIED MAN Excuse me.
(TRISTAN looks at him.)
TRISTAN Yes?
TIED MAN Uh, your baby looks familiar. May I?
(TIED MAN indicates that he’d like to have a look.)
TRISTAN Oh. All right.
(TRISTAN lets him look at her baby.)
TIED MAN Mm.
TRISTAN Do you know him?
TIED MAN Uh, I think he's mine.
(TRISTAN looks at TIED MAN more closely, then at the baby, then at
TIED MAN again.)
TRISTAN He doesn't look like you.
TIED MAN Yes. Well. He looks like his mother.
(TRISTAN thinks back and realizes this is true.)
TRISTAN You know, your wife gave me this note.
(TRISTAN takes the note from her baby bag and hands it to TIED MAN who looks
it over)
TRISTAN (cont.) She says that I should look after him. That I’d know what to do.
TIED MAN (nodding, still looking over the note) Mm.
TRISTAN (after a short while) Would you like to hold him?
TIED MAN Oh. May I?
(TRISTAN smiles slightly, then hands him the baby. TIED MAN ponders
his baby's face. TRISTAN stands close to him and looks at the baby
also.)
TRISTAN (softly) He's very nice.
(TRISTAN notices TIED MAN's barely perceptible nod. Soon, BALLERINA
WOMAN enters, stage left. She stops stage left, sees TIED MAN
holding her baby, then quietly goes over and stands next to him like
a ghost.)
BALLERINA WOMAN (softly, apparently not angry, and without looking directly at him) Hello, Roger.
TIED MAN (not looking up, also not angry) Hello, Leta.
BALLERINA WOMAN (softly, looking at baby) You like him?
(TIED MAN laughs a soft, slightly rueful laugh.)
TIED MAN He doesn't look like me.
(BALLERINA WOMAN leans closer to TIED MAN, then speaks softly, with
a barely perceptible, slightly rueful smile.)
BALLERINA WOMAN Why should he?
TRISTAN (softly) I should go.
(TRISTAN starts to exit, stage left.)
BALLERINA WOMAN Wait a minute.
(TRISTAN stops. BALLERINA WOMAN takes the baby from TIED MAN, goes
over to TRISTAN and gives the baby back to her. She then returns to
TIED MAN, takes his arm and they exit, stage right. TRISTAN watches
them exit as the LIGHTS FADE and the MUSIC begins.
A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP on a female SINGER. A male SINGER stands next to
her, but does not sing. The male and female SINGERS are aware of
each other, but don't address each other very directly.)
SINGER I'VE GOT A BAG. YOU'VE GOT A BAG. WHY CAN'T WE BE BAGS TOGETHER? I'VE GOT A BAG. YOU'VE GOT A BAG. WHY CAN'T WE BE BAGS TOGETHER?
MY BAG HOLDS BABIES. YOUR BAG HOLDS BALLS. WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER, THE BABY WILL FALL.
I'VE GOT A BAG. YOU'VE GOT A BAG. WHY CAN'T WE BE BAGS TOGETHER? I'VE GOT A BAG. YOU'VE GOT A BAG. WHY CAN'T WE BE BAGS TOGETHER?
(SPOTLIGHT FADES)
ACT 2 scene 8
PARK.
(TRISTAN enters with her baby, stage right, and stops, stage
right. The back of the stage is dark.)
TRISTAN (half to herself, half to her baby) Oh, baby baby, I'm not sure what I should do. I might have to take
you home with me. That is, if I ever get back there myself.
(Suddenly, the back of the stage LIGHTS UP revealing OLD MAN sitting
on the bench. VERY OLD MAN is sitting to his right. OLD MAN suddenly
noticing TRISTAN. He excitedly nudges VERY OLD MAN, then starts waving
to TRISTAN who is not aware of the
two old men seated behind her.)
TRISTAN (cont.) (half to herself, half to her baby) You know, I think this is where I came in. I came tumbling in . . . (points to a spot, stage left) over there. And I landed about . . . (walks over to center stage) here . . .
OLD MAN (like from a distance) Hello! Hello!
(TRISTAN feels like she's beginning to hear something, but isn't
quite sure.)
TRISTAN Then I thought I heard someone calling out to me . . .
(TRISTAN starts backing up towards the bench.)
OLD MAN (to the heavens, softly, but intensely) Oh, thank you! Thank you!
TRISTAN And I kept backing up until . . .
(TRISTAN falls back onto the bench and finds herself sitting to the
left of OLD MAN.)
OLD MAN (triumphantly happy) Welcome home, young Tristan.
(TRISTAN studies the smiling OLD MAN for a few moments, then sets
the record straight.)
TRISTAN This is not my home.
OLD MAN But this is where you began, so it must be your home. (looks at TRISTAN's baby) And I see you've been busy. (starts talking baby talk to the baby) Hi! Hi! Boobooboo. A-boobooboo . . .
(OLD MAN turns to nudge VERY OLD MAN. VERY
OLD MAN smilingly nods his approval. TRISTAN pulls the blanket over
the baby's face, so when OLD MAN turns back for more baby talk, he's
surprised to find that the baby seems to have disappeared. He turns
back to VERY OLD MAN and makes gestures like "where could the baby
have gone." But VERY OLD MAN is as perplexed as he and they start
looking around for the baby.)
TRISTAN And although this is not my home – (notices that the old men don't seem to paying attention) she said, maybe speaking to herself – someone once told me that I
could get out of here the same way I came in. So maybe this is where
I should be.
(OLD MAN and VERY OLD MAN stop looking for the baby and return their
attention to TRISTAN.)
OLD MAN That makes sense.
(OLD MAN looks at VERY OLD MAN who smilingly nods his approval, then
turns back to TRISTAN.)
OLD MAN (cont.) So how did you get here?
TRISTAN Well, I don't know exactly. I, I fell. You were here. You saw me.
OLD MAN I saw you land. I didn't see you fall. Maybe if you fell again.
(OLD MAN looks to VERY OLD MAN who smilingly nods his approval.)
TRISTAN Well . . .
(TRISTAN sets her baby bag on the bench, hands her baby to OLD MAN,
then stands and goes upstage a little. OLD MAN feels the weight of
the bundle, pulls the blanket down a little and is surprised
to see baby. He shows the baby's face to VERY OLD MAN who also
registers surprise. TRISTAN speaks over her shoulder to OLD MAN.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Fall.
(OLD MAN who, along with VERY OLD MAN, has been entertaining the
baby, looks up at TRISTAN, smiles and nods, then goes back to
entertaining the baby.)
TRISTAN (cont.) Well . . . (falls to the ground with a thud.) Ow.
(OLD MAN looks up.)
OLD MAN Well, that didn't work. Try jumping.
(OLD MAN hands the baby to VERY OLD MAN and turns his attention to
TRISTAN who’s a little concerned about the transfer of her baby, but
soon sees he’ll probably be OK.)
TRISTAN Jumping.
OLD MAN Yes. Jumping is the opposite of falling. It might work.
TRISTAN Mm. OK. Here goes. (starts jumping) Isn't rising the opposite of falling?
OLD MAN Higher!
(TRISTAN jumps higher.)
OLD MAN (cont.) Higher!
TRISTAN I'm jumping as high as I can!
OLD MAN Run around! Run around!
(TRISTAN stops jumping and starts running around the stage.)
OLD MAN (cont.) Now jump! Jump!
(TRISTAN starts jumping as she runs.)
OLD MAN (cont.) That's it! Keep running, keep running! Leap, leap, leap like a
gazelle! Leap like a gazelle! Leap like a . . .
(But TRISTAN falls back onto the bench, exhausted.)
OLD MAN (cont.) Don't worry, we'll try again later.
(OLD MAN takes the baby from VERY OLD MAN and hands him back to
TRISTAN. VERY OLD MAN didn't quite see OLD MAN take the baby from
him and is surprised to see that it's gone. OLD MAN shows him that
TRISTAN has the baby now and VERY OLD MAN smilingly nods his
approval.)
TRISTAN (getting her breath back) Why isn't it working?
OLD MAN Hm, I don't know. Maybe we should ask the Oracle.
TRISTAN The Oracle?
OLD MAN Yes. May I present . . . (sweeps a hand in the direction of VERY OLD MAN) the Oracle.
(VERY OLD MAN smilingly nods at TRISTAN.)
TRISTAN (a little skeptical) And he can tell me how to get back home?
OLD MAN If anybody can . . . (sweeps a hand in the direction of VERY OLD MAN, though not as
grandly as before) he can.
(VERY OLD MAN slowly starts to rise. OLD MAN is quietly excited.)
OLD MAN (cont.) Oh oh. He's getting up! He's getting up! You're halfway home
already, Tristan.
(VERY OLD MAN shuffles slowly upstage.)
TRISTAN (whispers to OLD MAN) What if it doesn't work?
(OLD MAN signals to TRISTAN that they have to be quiet now. VERY OLD
MAN has reached his position and is ready to speak.)
VERY OLD MAN (to audience) Alice fell and so did Lucy. Defying God in all his mercy.
And now young Tristan's done the same And can't get home again.
TRISTAN (whispers to OLD MAN) I haven't defied anyone.
(OLD MAN nods.)
VERY OLD MAN EVERY JOT, EVERY TITTLE, FILLS MY MOUTH WITH LOTS OF SPITTLE. EVERY TITTLE, EVERY JOT, FILLS MY NOSE WITH SNOT.
WHOT? FILLS MY NOSE WITH SNOT.
TRISTAN (whispers to OLD MAN) Is he serious?
(OLD MAN gestures with a slight smile for TRISTAN to watch VERY OLD
MAN who starts doing a cute little dance.)
VERY OLD MAN SHE ROUGHS ME UP. SHE ROUGHS ME DOWN. SHE ROUGHS ME ALL AROUND THE TOWN. FOR WHEN MY BABY STARTS TO SWAY, SHE WANTS ME DOWN THERE EVERY DAY.
THAT FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW.
(VERY OLD MAN rubs cheeks with both hands, going up and down
simultaneously to simulate cunnilingus. Loud, SANDPAPER-LIKE SOUNDS
follow his up-and-down hand movements. Maybe he also orally
simulates cunnilingus between his hands and makes little sex
noises.)
VERY OLD
MAN (cont.) FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW. (rubs again) THAT FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW'S
GOT ME SINGIN' THE
BLUES.
(TRISTAN gets up.)
TRISTAN I can't sit here and listen to this.
VERY OLD MAN FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW. (rubs again) FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW. (rubs again)
OLD MAN (to TRISTAN) You have to believe!
TRISTAN (slightly exasperated) In what? Him?
VERY OLD MAN THAT FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW. AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' TO LOSE.
(DUCKS 1-5 and MISSILE GIRL enter, stage left.)
OLD MAN Oh look, here come the ducks and that young woman with the missile
stuck in her head. Maybe they can help. (calls out to DUCKS and MISSILE GIRL) Excuse me! Excuse me! Could you give us a hand here?
(DUCKS and MISSILE GIRL come over.)
DUCK 1 Yes. How may we be of assistance.
VERY OLD MAN MOO MOO MOO WENT THE COW COW COW. MOO MOO MOO WENT THE COW. "I WANT SOME MILK," SAID THE MAN. REACHED OUT, THEN "OUCH." TAKE ME HOME AGAIN.
OLD MAN Yes. Well, my young friend here seems to want to return to her
homeland.
(DUCK 1 nods. MISSILE GIRL smiles slightly. Meanwhile, DUCK 4, who
has been watching VERY OLD MAN with great interest, runs over
and joins him in song.)
DUCK 4 CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK WENT THE HEN HEN HEN. CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK WENT THE HEN. "I WANT SOME EGGS," SAID THE MAN. REACHED OUT, THEN "OUCH." TAKE ME HOME AGAIN.
TRISTAN Take me home again. Yeah, right.
OLD MAN You should listen to what he has to say.
TRISTAN But he doesn't make any sense!
VERY OLD MAN AND DUCK 4 OINK OINK OINK WENT THE PIG PIG PIG. OINK OINK OINK WENT THE PIG. "I WANT SOME PORK," SAID THE MAN. REACHED OUT, THEN "OINK!" TAKE ME HOME AGAIN.
TRISTAN The only thing I understand is that "take me home again" part. I
have no idea what the rest of that stuff means.
VERY
OLD MAN YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE STUCK INSIDE A TEA POT. YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE STUCK INSIDE A PEA POD . . .
(DUCK 4 looks confused and returns to the other DUCKS.)
TRISTAN Well, now he's just making things up.
VERY OLD MAN TEAPOT, TEAPOT, TEAPOT, TEAPOT. STUCK INSIDE A TEAPOT.
OLD MAN No no. The Oracle doesn't make things up –
VERY OLD MAN PEA POD, PEA POD, PEA POD, PEA POD. STUCK INSIDE A PEA POD.
OLD MAN for he is the receiver and
messenger of all good things.
VERY OLD MAN ME. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. ME ME ME ME ME. DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE.
(DUCK 4 runs back to rejoin VERY OLD MAN.)
TRISTAN How can it be all about him if he's just the messenger?
TRISTAN See? When you want a straight answer, he goes into all that "dee dee
dee" stuff.
(VERY OLD MAN starts looking tired.)
OLD MAN Uh oh. The Oracle is starting to wind down. The Oracle is beginning
to run out of steam.
DUCKS 1-3 & 5 HE'S TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. OH! DO DO DO DO DO DO. HE'S TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. OH! DO DO DO DO DO DO. HE'S TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. OH! DO DO DO DO DO DO. HE'S TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. OH! DO DO DO DO DO DO.
(DUCKS 1-3 & 5 continue singing this song until their next song. The
other characters must speak loudly over the DUCKS’ singing. VERY OLD
MAN signals for DUCKS 1-3 & 5 to come over.)
OLD MAN (to TRISTAN) He wants the ducks to take over for awhile!
(DUCKS 1-3 & 5 line up close to each other, then start to shuffle
over to VERY OLD MAN with their arms pumping like a locomotive. When
the DUCKS arrive, VERY OLD MAN signals for them to take over. DUCKS
1-3 & 5 increase the speed of their singing and dancing, shuffling
back and forth across the stage like maniacs as DUCK 4 helps VERY
OLD MAN back to the bench.)
TRISTAN Can they just take over like that?
OLD MAN Anything's possible if you believe!
MISSILE GIRL (not as loud) Or anything's possible if it's not true.
(OLD MAN looks disapprovingly at MISSILE GIRL.)
OLD MAN (not as loud) And you wonder why you have a missile stuck in your head. (loudly to TRISTAN) Don't listen to her! She's like Satan or something! Listen to us!
Listen to the ducks!
(DUCKS 1-3 & 5 are now facing TRISTAN. They suddenly stop their
previous song and dance and start a new song.)
DUCKS 1-3 & 5 WE'RE GIVING YOU THE GIFT OF MUSIC. WE'RE GIVING YOU THE GIFT OF SONG. WE HOPE THAT YOU,
THAT YOU CAN USE IT, THAT YOU CAN USE IT YOUR WHOLE LIFE LONG.
(DUCKS 1-3 & 5 start dancing towards TRISTAN who backs up, but they
follow her around. DUCK 1 holds up a sheet of paper for TRISTAN.)
DUCKS 1-3 & 5 (cont.) OH WELL, I'VE GOT A NOTE, MY DARLING DEAR, THAT TELLS OF ALL THE THINGS
YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR, OF HOW MY LOVE IS STRONG AND DEEP AND TRUE AND HOW MY THOUGHTS ARE FILLED
WITH DREAMS OF YOU.
(DUCK 1 hands TRISTAN the sheet of paper. TRISTAN stops to read it,
stage right.)
(DUCK 4 gets up and does a sprightly dance away from the bench.)
DUCK 4 PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME. PEOPLE JUST DO. PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY DO.
(POLICE OFFICER enters, stage right, and stands, stage right,
observing DUCK 4 who doesn't see him. DUCKS 1-3 & 5 see POLICE
OFFICER enter and return to the bench area, a little afraid of him.
MISSILE GIRL comes over and stands next to TRISTAN who’s still
reading, maybe to protect her.)
DUCK 4 (cont.) PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME. PEOPLE JUST DO. PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME, LOVE ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY . . .
(POLICE OFFICER stands in front of DUCK 4 and holds up a hand,
freezing her in mid-song and dance.)
POLICE OFFICER PEOPLE REALLY HATE YOU. THEY DERIVE PLEASURE FROM YOUR PAIN. HOW COULD YOU THINK OTHERWISE? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THEY DESPISE YOU? SAY THEY LOVE YOU, BUT THEY JUST WANT TO SEE YOU SLIDING SLOWLY INTO A BIG PILE OF DARK REGRET.
(POLICE OFFICER backs away. DUCK 4 slowly melts out of her state of
frozen joyfulness and into one of seeming contemplation and
re-evaluation. Then she slowly starts to sing People Just Love Me
again, gaining confidence and speed as she goes.)
DUCK 4 PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME. PEOPLE JUST DO. PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY DO.
(DUCK 4 is happy and singing the song at normal speed now. She
starts to dance off, stage left, until she gets to the last line
which she gets stuck on, along with the attendant dance moves, like
a broken record. But she breaks through after a few repetitions and
dances happily off stage with POLICE OFFICER following.)
DUCK 4 (cont.) PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME. PEOPLE JUST DO. PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME, LOVE ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY . . . I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY . . . I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY DO. DO. DO DO DO. WOO!
TRISTAN I thought they were on the same side.
MISSILE GIRL
(shrugs) They are. They just do that sometimes.
DUCKS 1-3 & 5 WE'RE JUST PEOPLE, TOO. WE'RE JUST PEOPLE, TOO. WE KNOW JUST WHAT WE LIKE AND WHAT WE LIKE TO DO. CUZ WE'RE JUST PEOPLE, TOO. DO. DO DO DO.
DUCK 5 WOO!
TRISTAN I thought they were ducks.
MISSILE GIRL Don't worry. (indicates sheet of paper) What does it say?
TRISTAN Oh. It's a song.
MISSILE GIRL Ah.
TRISTAN Is that good?
MISSILE GIRL Could be. If you sang it.
TRISTAN Oh, well, I'm not much of a singer though.
MISSILE GIRL That's OK. As long as you're the one singing, that's all that
matters.
TRISTAN Well . . .
MISSILE GIRL Here.
(MISSILE GIRL takes TRISTAN's baby and TRISTAN takes a few steps
toward center stage.)
I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO DO, NOTHING LEFT TO SAY,
NOTHING LEFT TO BE
IN MY LIFE. AS LONG AS I AM HERE WITH YOU, I'VE NOTHING LEFT AT ALL . . .
VERY OLD MAN I'M AN OLD GUY. I'M AN OLD GUY. I'M A FROG ON A ROCK TOAD GUY. IN THE MORNING, IN THE EVENING, I'M JUST WAITING HERE TO DIE.
WOO!
(TRISTAN looks at MISSILE GIRL.)
MISSILE GIRL Keep going.
TRISTAN But he's singing about his own death.
MISSILE GIRL Don't worry. Just keep singing.
TRISTAN Well . . .
THE MORE I SEE, THE MORE I FEEL THAT THE THINGS YOU WANT ARE NOTHING MORE THAN EVERYTHING THAT YOU DESIRED IN ALL YOUR BROKEN DREAMS.
BUT SACRIFICING OTHERS FOR THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR LIFE WORTH LIVING IN A WORLD THAT YOU DESIRED SO MANY YEARS AGO.
(The LIGHTS START TO FADE. WINDS start to blow and ominous RUMBLING
SOUNDS are heard.)
MISSILE GIRL Uh oh, it's starting.
(The stage is now BLACK. No one can be seen now, except for VERY OLD
MAN who stands by himself in a CONE OF LIGHT. But soon, TRISTAN
enters the cone of light also. The WIND and RUMBLING SOUNDS start to
fade when TRISTAN enters and stop when she stands next to VERY OLD
MAN.)
TRISTAN Why am I here?
VERY OLD MAN (not mean, slightly intimate, but not friendly) Tristan, you say that you want to leave our world, that you are
unhappy with your lot in life. But I am here to tell you that your
life, your dreams, your suffering, mean nothing to us.
TRISTAN Then why am I here?
VERY OLD MAN You're here because we want you here. And when, and if, you leave,
the reason will be the same.
TRISTAN I still don't understand.
(VERY OLD MAN bows his head slightly and disappears into the
darkness as the CONE OF LIGHT slowly fades away and the only light
left shining shines on TRISTAN.
The DUCKS, OLD MAN and MISSILE GIRL soon become visible again in the
background. The WINDS and RUMBLING SOUNDS return and a GLOWING LIGHT
appears from the stage left exit plane. The WINDS become stronger and
the RUMBLING SOUNDS increase to RAGING STORM SOUNDS. The DUCKS are
in awe and slightly frightened by the GLOWING LIGHT. OLD MAN looks
at it gravely. MISSILE GIRL goes to TRISTAN. They must speak loudly
over the noise.)
TRISTAN (to MISSILE GIRL) What is it?
MISSILE GIRL It's your way back, Tristan!
(MISSILE GIRL hands TRISTAN her baby and baby bag.)
TRISTAN But what he said! I don't understand!
MISSILE GIRL Never mind! It's not important!
TRISTAN But what he said!
(TRISTAN looks at MISSILE GIRL for some sort of answer, but gets
none, so she readies herself for her escape. But just as she's
about to make the run, she stops, turns to MISSILE GIRL and clutches her
arm.)
TRISTAN Come with me!
MISSILE GIRL (heartbroken) I can't. (encouraging) But you go.
TRISTAN Really?
(MISSILE GIRL nods. TRISTAN gives her a parting hug, then readies
herself again. MISSILE GIRL is slowly receding into the background
with the DUCKS and OLD MAN as their LIGHT FADES until TRISTAN and
her baby are the only ones visible.)
TRISTAN (over her shoulder, into the blackness) Good-bye! Good-bye! I won't forget you!
(TRISTAN makes a dash for the GLOWING LIGHT and leaps through. A
BLINDING LIGHT FLASHES, stage left, and a great explosion is heard
as TRISTAN passes through the stage left exit plane. The DUCKS, OLD
MAN and MISSILE GIRL are seen briefly in the BLINDING FLASH, then
everything FADES TO BLACK and all is silent.)
ACT 2 scene 9
TRISTAN’S ROOM
(TRISTAN sits in a chair. She feeds her baby a bottle. The
female CHILD from the opening scene lies on the floor, drawing
pictures or coloring in a coloring book. TRISTAN’S baby bag leans up
against one side of her chair; on the other side is a big wooden
mallet.)
TRISTAN (sings softly to her baby) YOU TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND I’LL TAKE THE LOW ROAD AND I’LL BE IN SCOTLAND
AFORE YE. (to CHILD) FOR ME AND MY TRUE LOVE WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN . . .
(CHILD stops what she’s doing and looks up at TRISTAN. Suddenly, a trap door at TRISTAN's feet opens and OLD MAN
rises part way up and turns towards TRISTAN.)
OLD MAN Oh, there you are. We were just wondering if . . .
(But TRISTAN has taken up the big wooden mallet and brings it down
on top of OLD MAN's head, though not in anger. A comic CONKING SOUND
is heard, followed by TWEETERING BIRD SOUNDS. OLD MAN registers the
impact, then slowly sinks back into the hole. TRISTAN puts the
mallet back down and closes the trap door. She then gets up, goes
over to CHILD and whispers something to her. CHILD gets up, gets
TRISTAN’s baby bag and slings it over her shoulder. TRISTAN
gathers up CHILD’s pad or coloring book and a handful of crayons.
She puts the pad or book and crayons into the bag, then takes the
bag from off of CHILD’s small shoulder and puts it over her own
shoulder. She then takes CHILD’s hand and she, her baby and CHILD
exit, stage right. CHILD looks at the audience as she’s exiting, but
doesn’t smile, wave or do anything as the LIGHTS FADE.)
THE END
NOTES
1) Free performance
privileges for non-professional groups
for non-professional, non-commercial activities.
2) See
38-page letter for possible conspiracy-related
problems that may be encountered if performing Pointless.
3) Some songs or music in musical are or are related to
pre-existing works by others. See copyright.
Oh, sometimes I wish I was Chri-i-stian. Oh, what a good life that would be. I'd live by the Golden Rule every day And bear my cross peacefully. And the girls are so lovely, lovely, Their virgin lips unkissed By worry, fear, protected by A communal Christian bliss.
Oh, sometimes I wish I was Jew-ewish. Oh, what a good life that would be. I live by the To-orah every day And live my life peacefully. And the girls are so lovely, lovely, Their virgin lips unkissed By worry, fear, protected by A communal Jewish bliss.
Rrrrr! - Just Can't Stop A Love Like That!
(Lyrics
in red type are spoken. Just
Can't Stop A Love Like That! is a shouted-out-type rap
song. Notes represent timing of lyrics.)
The time is near. The days grow colder. You look within And find you're older Than you'd really like to be In all your broken dreams
There's nothing you Can do to change The looking glass
That rearranges Everything that you desired, So many years ago.
Then rrrrr. Rrrrr! Something in your heart begins to
stirrrrr! Then to hell with all the consequences That you may incur. It's
rrrrr. Rrrrr! RRRRR!
Just can't stop a love like that! Just can't stop a love like that! Just can't stop a love like that!
A-when ya sees a-somethin'
That ya need, You gotsta grab it with both hands
And squeeze. And pop it in your mouth
Just like a Cheez-it And ease it. Then freeze it. Then sleeze it. Woo!
Just can't stop a love like that! Just can't stop a love like that! Just can't stop a love like that!
When my father was a
young boy, He sailed the Seven Seas In search of freedom and of gold – A land of opportunity. (A land of opportunity.)
And when he found America, He knew that he could be A man of substance, goals and dreams – A wife, home, a family. (A wife, home, a family.) The land of opportunity.
But now, it's just a post-Cold-War world. (It's just a post-Cold-War world.) It's just a post-Cold-War world. (It's just a post-Cold-War world.) When your body starts a-shakin' And your fever starts a-breakin', Then you know that it's just a post-Cold-War world.
When the Soviet Union died. (When the Soviet Union died.) And Roosevelt welfare, too. (And Roosevelt welfare, too.)
But we still have Social Security And pension plans as a surety. Isn't that Communist theory, too?
That's Communist theory for the middle class. (That's Communist theory for the middle class.) So that's OK. (So that's OK.) But when it comes down to the poorest, Then you'd better join the chorus And just say that it's just a post-Cold-War world.
So jump down. Turn around. Pick a bale of cotton.
Haa! So jump down. Turn around. Pick a bale all day.
Oh, mammy! Pick a bale of cotton. Oh, mammy! Pick a bale all day.
Me and my partner can Pick a bale of cotton.
Haa! Me and my partner can Pick a bale all day.
Oh, mammy! Pick a bale of cotton. Oh, mammy! Pick a bale all day.
We're going downtown To pick a bale of cotton.
Haa! We're going downtown To pick a bale all day.
Haaaa!
If you don't want to see
me cry, You'd better shut the door Cuz I think that I'm about To start just like before.
I just don't know why you can't see When I am feeling blue Cuz when you're down, You know that I Am right down there with you.
It's not something I like to say, But when I feel sad In this old wa-ay.
I know that you're not mean or cruel, You just say what you say. It's just that I do sometimes wish My life could go another way.
So if love Is something in Which you do not believe. And if you don't want to see me cry . . . If you don't want to see me cry-y . . . Then you'd better shut the door or leave.
Ducks, ducks,
ducks. So happy and peaceful are we. Ducks, ducks, ducks. Contented and loving and free. In our world There never is worry or fear. We glide o'er the water, Our sons and our daughters Swim in a straight line at our tails. A quack or two as we assail
Nuts, bugs, bread. The apples of our roving eyes. In our heads, The heavenly morsels we prize. Watch us swoon As we settle down to our meals. With loving embraces, We scoop up the traces Of kindnesses left in our trails, Content from our heads to our tails.
Quack, quack, quack. The words that all ducks love to say. Off our backs, Each droplet of rain rolls away. In a groove, Our lives couldn't be more serene. When winter approaches And darkness encroaches, We fly off like birds on a wing. Instinctively knowing Where we should be going. We'll see you next year in spring.
Think you're pretty clever. Brighter than the sky. When trouble rears its ugly head, You punch it in the eye.
First or second, third or last, It doesn't mean a thing. For when you've crossed a pigeon's path, You'll feel the crush of a pigeon's wing.
The pigeons are gonna getcha, If you don't watch out. (Coo, coo, coo.) The next time you're out, you betcha, You're gonna wanna scream and shout. (Oh, oh, oh!) You know when you least expect it, You're gonna feel the drivin' rain. (Yeah, yeah, yeah!) Don't give us your poo Cuz you know you Will be getting it back again. And again. And again. And again.
You know, hey, I'm really sorry. I should have just cut and run.
(No, no, no!) But when you made fun of me, well, I had to show you all how it was done.
(Please, please, please!) I think that you're really something. It was envy, I just have to say.
(Not in the face.) So if it please you well, I guess that I'll just Be going on my own way.
Only attractive people
Go out on a Saturday night. But they don't look happy,
Like they're just finishing up With a god damn, knockdown, drag out fight. Or is it just me,
Kinda ugly and free, Sucking all the air out of sight? Cuz only attractive people
Go out on a Saturday night.
But honey, I don't care. Life's unfair.
Full of anger and strife. And what does it matter Since you don't love me, anyway? But if you held my hand, I could feel A different kind of beauty inside. And to feel that feeling Would be good, I think.
Cuz only attractive people Go out on a Saturday night. But they don't look happy, Like they're just finishing up With a god damn, knockdown,
drag out fight. Or is it just me, Kinda ugly and free, Sucking all the air out of sight? Cuz only attractive people Go out on a Saturday night. And only attractive people Go out there on a Saturday night.
Pig Sty
(Rap song.
Notes represent timing of lyrics.)
Well, you know you're gonna zoom-a When you clean-a up your room-a Cuz you're cuttin' out the tuma in your head. Ha! Cuz the filth is hittin' crisis And you're knowin' what the vice is, When the mold beneath your pillow starts to shed. Yuk!
Hey, big sissa, don't be stressin'. Little bruda be addressin' Accusations of the mess in this here room. Ya! Troot, you be a-guilin'. Little dirt won't hurt my stylin'. When I'm here, I'm just a-smilin'. It's da boom. Za!
Boom. Boom boom. Da boom. Boom boom. Da boom. Boom boom. Da boom.
Boom. Boom boom. Da boom. Boom boom. Da boom. Boom boom. Da boom.
Well, the truth I ain't no mean one. Cuz you know that I'm the clean one. Didn't mean no disrespect for what you said. Boo! You may think I'm kinda screwy, But your socks are gettin' chewy. And yo mama's yellin' sooey in your head. Check it out, haa!
Sooey! Sooey! Sooey! Here, pig, pig, pig, pig.
Well, big sis, I see da erra Of my ways. You was da beara Of good new. So I'll be cleanin' right away. Ya!
Well, don't know that I can trust ya. But, little bro, don't wanna bust ya. So I'll leave you now With just these words to say. Woooo!
They say that life's unfair, That love's a dirty game. But I can't help it.
But I can't help it, oo oo. Thank god, for sex in the brain. In the brain. In the brain.
When you came here to me, I knew that we could be So like no other, So with each other, oo oo,
In love, in life, in the game. In the game. In the game.
Then you did something bad. Gave up all that we had. Now you can't stay here. Please go away, dear, oo oo, And live your life in the rain. In the rain. In the rain.
They say that life's unfair, That love's a dirty game. But I can't help it.
But I can't help it, oo oo. Thank god, for sex in the brain. In the brain. In the brain.
Some people you Just want to screw Or hammer or nail away. With others you think, It may take a drink To make them look sort of OK.
Oh, why the disparity in sex appeal? Oh, why do we feel what we feel? It seems that we should Only sleep with the good And let the bad wither away.
Wither, oh wither, away, away. Wither, oh wither, away. It seems that we should Only sleep with the good And let the bad wither away. Oh, and let the bad wither away.
When I was a young girl Of just twenty-three, My friends all got married
and lived happily. They raised their young families In lives filled with joy. A big house, a nice job, oh boy.
Look. See. She looks just like me, Her eyes filled with starlight, A wonder to see. Her face is so lovely, She must be brand new. But nobody appreciates my baby. But nobody appreciates my baby.
It happened, in an instant, At twenty and four. We were to be married, the man I adore. But as the day drew near, He started to roam. And I was left all on my own.
Look. See. She looks just like me, Her eyes filled with starlight, A wonder to see. Her face is so lovely, She must be brand new. But nobody appreciates my baby. But nobody appreciates my baby.
My baby stinks. My baby stinks. My baby stinks.
He's going in and out of
style. My baby stinks. Another diaper on the pile.
My baby stinks. It doesn't matter what he's got. Sleeps a lot. In a pot.
My baby stinks.
My baby stinks.
But my baby's diff'rent. A whiff front and back Will tell you immediately What my baby lacks.
Your baby stinks. There's no exception to the rule.
Your baby stinks. His fumes could give a rocket ship its fuel.
Your baby stinks. Please
pull the blanket from your eyes. There's no disguise. He's attracting flies.
Your baby stinks.
Your baby stinks.
I just can't believe that You'd say such bad things. To hurt him on purpose With the words that you sing. Attacking him gleefully At your every whim. It's mean. It's cruel. It's a big fat load of baby drool.
We have to go. It's been a true delight, my dear, To get to know You better, understand you clearly. And then so, We're off, we're gone just like a bird To leave you with These few words. Your baby stinks. Your baby stinks.
Hey neighbor, how's it goin'? Seems like we're
Going to be all right. Just fine and carefree-ee.
To and froin'. We're happy
All through the day and night.
Moo moo moo went the cow
cow cow. Moo moo moo went the cow. "I want some milk," said the man. Reached out, then
"ouch!" Take me home again.
Cluck cluck cluck went the hen hen hen. Cluck cluck cluck went the hen. "I want some eggs," said the man. Reached out, then "ouch!" Take me home again.
Oink oink oink went the pig pig pig. Oink oink oink went the pig. "I want some pork," said the man. Reached out, then
"oink!" Take me home again.
We're giving you the gift
of music. We're giving you the gift of song. We hope that you, That you can use it, That you can use it Your whole life long.
Oh well, I've got a note, my darling dear, That tells of all the things you'd like to hear. Of how my love is
Strong and deep and true. And how my thoughts are filled
With dreams of you. You'd skip a beat. You'd skip a beat.
People just love me. People just do.
People just love me. I don't know why but they do.
People just love me. People just do. People just love me, love me.
I don't know why but they . . .
People really hate you. They Derive pleasure from your pain. How could you think otherwise? Can't you see that they despise you? Say they love you, but they just Want to see you sliding slowly Into a big pile of dark regret.
People just love me. People just do. People just love me, love me. I don't know why but they do.
People just love me. People just do. People just love me, love me. I don't know why but they . . . I don't know why but they . . . I don't know why but they do. Do. Do do do.
Woo!
You take the high
road And I'll take the low road And I'll be in Scotland afore ye. For me and my true love Will never meet again . . .
pointless copyright
(c) 2001
eric nakao, except "pick
a bale of cotton" by traditional, minus spoken "ha's";
"my old kentucky home" by stephen c foster; "dance of the sugar plum fairy"
(or fairies) by
peter tchaikovsky; "loch
lomond" by traditional;
music for "but nobody appreciates my baby" related to
"oh dear, what can the matter be" by traditional.
script
posted:
november 19, 2004
MIDI songs posted:
december 1, 2004
pointless
update: sunday, october 7, 2007, 1:30 PM ET
webpage update:
tuesday, march 10, 2009, 12:43 PM ET