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1995 version

this version has been replaced by a new version from 2005

PORNOVISION
By Eric Nakao


BLANK SCREEN

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(V.O.)
This is PVTV. Your Pornovision station.

CUT TO:

GENEVIEVE MUNCHER, DETECTIVE

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

TITLE: GENEVIEVE MUNCHER, DETECTIVE

Split-level. On the first floor is the check-out counter. On the second floor are tables from which the check-out counter is visible. MISS DANIELS sits behind the counter. MR. SNICKER, her supervisor, enters. He hovers over her. She tries to look undisturbed.

MR. SNICKER
Miss Daniels?

MISS DANIELS
Mr. Snicker?

MR. SNICKER
Your first day at the new position.

MISS DANIELS
Yes, sir.

MR. SNICKER
Beginning to feel the pressure?

MISS DANIELS
Sir?

MR. SNICKER
Y'know, Charles would be ideal for this job, don't you agree?

MISS DANIELS
Yes, sir. I mean no, sir. I mean, I've been shelving books down in the stacks for seven years...

Mr. Snicker SIGHS.

MISS DANIELS
(continuing)
Seven long years...

MR. SNICKER
Yes, yes.

MISS DANIELS
And without a pay raise.

MR. SNICKER
But Charles is due.

MISS DANIELS
Well so am I, sir. And if you don't mind my saying, I'm overdue.

MR. SNICKER
I see. Well, carry on, Miss Daniels. But remember, Mr. Snicker is watching you.

MISS DANIELS
Yes, sir.

Mr. Snicker exits. A MAN approaches the counter and Miss Daniels cheerfully checks out his book.

SECOND FLOOR

VICTOR DU SHAY sits at a table overlooking Miss Daniels. He has a book in front of his face which he slowly lowers. He looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then raises the book again.

CHECK-OUT COUNTER

Miss Daniels checks out a big stack of books for a middle-aged WOMAN. Suddenly, Miss Daniels begins breathing heavily. She continues checking out the books, head down, but her breathes are becoming shorter, quicker, and more forceful. The rhythm of her book checking matches her breathing. She finishes the last book and shoves the stack at the woman.

MISS DANIELS
(gasping)
Thank you! Come again!

SERIES OF SHOTS

LIBRARY PATRONS reacting to Miss Daniels' outburst.

WOMAN
(startled)
Yes, I certainly will. Thank you.

The Woman quickly gathers up her books and exits. Miss Daniels, recovering, glances around warily. Suddenly, her heavy breathing begins again.

MISS DANIELS
Oh, no.

She squirms uneasily in her seat, trying to repress her mounting passion.

MISS DANIELS
(continuing)
Oh, please, please, please. Mr. Snicker is watching. I can't. I...

She has an enormous orgasm. Her SEXUAL RELEASES echo throughout the library.

SERIES OF SHOTS

Library patrons reacting. The last shot of a male GRADUATE STUDENT indignantly slamming his book shut.

CUT TO:

MISS DANIELS' LEG sprawled over her chair. Mr. Snicker stands over her, arms folded across his chest. He is seen from the neck down.

MR. SNICKER
Miss Daniels?

MISS DANIELS
Mr. Snicker?

MR. SNICKER
You're fired.

MISS DANIELS
Thank you, sir.

She slides her leg off the chair and begins crawling out on her hands and knees.

MR. SNICKER
And Miss Daniels.

She stops.

MISS DANIELS
Yes, Mr. Snicker?

MR. SNICKER

You'll be sure and turn in your library card on the way out, won't you?

MISS DANIELS
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

She continues crawling. Mr. Snicker exits buoyantly.

MR. SNICKER
(to Charles)
Oh, Charles! Charles! You'll never guess what just happened!

SECOND FLOOR

Du Shay lowers the book from in front of his face, looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then raises the book again.

CUT TO:

INT. OUTER OFFICE - DAY

YOUNG RANDALL sits at a desk, typing on a computer. GENEVIEVE MUNCHER sits in a nearby chair. She is wearing a trench coat and sneakers. Young Randall stops typing. He tries to discretely get Genevieve's attention, though without looking at her.

YOUNG RANDALL
(whisper)
Genevieve.

Genevieve ignores him, good naturedly. Young Randall types some more, then stops and tries again.

YOUNG RANDALL
(whisper, continuing))
Genevieve.

Genevieve looks at the ceiling.

YOUNG RANDALL
(whisper, continuing)
Did you get my letter?

No answer.

YOUNG RANDALL
(whisper, continuing)
Genevieve, did you get my letter?

Genevieve shrugs.

GENEVIEVE
Yeah, I got it.

Young Randall waits for a few tense moments.

YOUNG RANDALL
(whisper)
Well????

Genevieve starts to laugh, though tries to hold it in.

YOUNG RANDALL
(whisper, continuing)
I meant every word of it, too. You know, I'm taking criminology courses at night school....I'll be just like you then.

The telephone RINGS.

YOUNG RANDALL
(whisper, continuing)
Excuse me.

He answers the phone.

YOUNG RANDALL
(normal voice, continuing)
Yes, Inspector. I'll send her right in.
(to Genevieve)
The Inspector will see you now, Ms. Muncher.

Young Randall resumes his typing. He sniffles and wipes a tear away. Genevieve puts a comforting hand on his shoulder as she passes by on her way to the Inspector's office. Young Randall looks hopefully after her.

YOUNG RANDALL
(whisper, continuing)
I'll send you another letter, darling ....And a package!

CUT TO:

INT. INSPECTOR'S OFFICE

The INSPECTOR sits at a desk. Genevieve approaches.

INSPECTOR
Why do you do that to him, Muncher?

GENEVIEVE
Me! He's the one!

INSPECTOR
The one your heart desires?

GENEVIEVE
Did you want something, Inspector?

INSPECTOR
Yes. We have something new. Something strange.

He tosses a file on his desk. Genevieve picks it up and leafs through it. She looks at a picture of Victor Du Shay.

INSPECTOR
(continuing)
Victor Du Shay, visual orgasmatist.

GENEVIEVE
Hm.

INSPECTOR
He can elicit orgasms in people merely through the power of visual observation.

Genevieve shrugs.

GENEVIEVE
And?...

INSPECTOR
Muncher. Du Shay has been plying his unique talent on unwilling participants in public areas.

GENEVIEVE
Ah. A pervert.

She snaps the file shut.

GENEVIEVE
(continuing)
I'm on it.

She begins to exit.

INSPECTOR
And Muncher...

Genevieve stops.

GENEVIEVE
Yes, Inspector?

The Inspector looks at Genevieve with deadly seriousness.

INSPECTOR
Du Shay is a master of disguise.

A look of amusement slowly fills Genevieve's face.

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE OF POODLES - DAY

Miss Daniels, from the library, busies herself at her station at The House of Poodles, a beauty salon. She wears a pink shirt with a cartoon head of a smiling poodle on the left front. MISS CHEESISH, her supervisor, enters. She hovers over Miss Daniels for a few uncomfortable moments. Miss Daniels tries to look undisturbed.

MISS CHEESISH
This must be a proud day for you and your people.

Miss Daniels, who is the same race as Miss Cheesish, doesn't get it.

MISS DANIELS
Yes, ma'am.

MISS CHEESISH
To be promoted to the prestigious position of apprentice pedicurist in the short time you've been here. This must be a proud day, indeed.

MISS DANIELS
But I worked hard at my last position...

Miss Cheesish SIGHS.

MISS DANIELS
(continuing)
And those metal drums filled with cleaning fluid were so heavy...

MISS CHEESISH
Yes, yes. But those metal drums must have come in handy when you "assumed the position" for Mr. Poodles in the storage room last week.

The innocent Miss Daniels begins to protest.

MISS CHEESISH
(continuing)
Quiet. Here comes a customer.

MISS DANIELS
But...

MISS CHEESISH
I said quiet. Quiet, you little mongrel. We'll continue this later.

She stomps on Miss Daniels' foot who GASPS with pain. Miss Cheesish clamps one of Miss Daniels' hands over her mouth and then the other, then twirls Miss Daniels around, shoves her off screen and waits for the approaching customer.

Miss Daniels re-enters, hobbling, biting down on a towel. She taps Miss Cheesish on the shoulder and pointing to the towel, makes "LOOK AT THIS" NOISES. Miss Cheesish yanks the towel out, making Miss Daniels' teeth come together with a CLICK.

She again stomps on Miss Daniels' foot who GASPS with pain. Miss Cheesish repeats her previous clamping, twirling and shoving motions, then hurls the towel after Miss Daniels.

MRS. GRAVYFACE, a middle-aged matron, enters.

MISS CHEESISH
Mrs. Gravyface. Long time, no see. How are you?

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Miss Cheesish. Long time, no see you.

MISS CHEESISH
Oh, Mrs. Gravyface.

MISS GRAVYFACE
Oh, Miss Cheesish.

They embrace for a few moments, then break, a little embarrassed.

MISS CHEESISH
So, Mrs. Gravyface, what brings you to The House of Poodles after all this time?

Miss Daniels wanders in, nonchalantly twirling the towel around. Miss Cheesish gives her a hard look. Miss Daniels puts the towel in her mouth and bites down on it.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Well, Miss Cheesish, my toenails have been looking awfully ragged lately, so I thought I'd come to my good friends at The House of Poodles for a pedicure.

Miss Daniels' face lights up at the word "pedicure." She whips the towel out of her mouth and begins to pester Miss Cheesish for the assignment, but is ignored.

MISS CHEESISH
A pedicure. Well, Mrs. Gravyface, you've certainly come to the right place.

She shoves Miss Daniels aside.

MISS CHEESISH
(continuing)
Why don't you have a seat and I'll send one of our girls right over.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
But what about this girl, Miss Cheesish?

Mrs. Gravyface indicates the downcast Miss Daniels who sits in one of the nearby chairs. Realizing she's being referred to, Miss Daniels brightens up and begins pestering Miss Cheesish again, but is still ignored.

Miss Cheesish gazes passed Miss Daniels into the distance.

MISS CHEESISH
Girl? What girl?

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Why the girl right in front of you, Miss Cheesish!

Miss Daniels is pleading right up in Miss Cheesish's face. Miss Cheesish does a slow burn.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
(continuing)
Oh look, Miss Cheesish. She's begging you to give her the opportunity.

MISS CHEESISH
I'm sorry, Mrs. Gravyface. I just don't...

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Oh, come now, Miss Cheesish! Must I take my business elsewhere?

Miss Daniels folds her arms across her chest.

MISS CHEESISH
Oh, that girl.

Miss Daniels opens her arms wide. Ta da!

MISS CHEESISH
(continuing)
Oh, you don't want her, Mrs. Gravyface. Why, she's new here. There's no telling what she'll do to you.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
She looks perfectly harmless to me.
(to Miss Daniels)
Isn't that right, dear?

Miss Daniels nods sincerely. Miss Cheesish gives her a withering look. Miss Daniels tones it down a bit.

MISS CHEESISH
Well, it's against my better judgment, Mrs. Gravyface. But if you want the girl, she's yours.

Miss Daniels jumps for joy and beings readying her station.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Splendid.

CUT TO:

Mrs. Gravyface sits in a pedicure chair. A sheet covers her. Miss Daniels is at her feet. She is about to begin, but notices that Mrs. Gravyface is wearing nylon stockings.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
What's the matter, dear?

Mrs. Gravyface notices the nylons.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
(continuing)
Oh, silly me. Come to get a pedicure wearing hose.

MISS DANIELS
There's a room in back where you can take them off.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Oh, but this chair's so comfy. I'm sure a clever girl like you can figure something out.

MISS DANIELS
Well...

Miss Daniels takes a pair of pedicure scissors, pulls up the stocking by the toe and begins cutting.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
What are you doing down there?

She notices the cutting.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
(continuing)
Oh, clever girl! Splendid!

CUT TO:

Miss Daniels files Mrs. Gravyface's toenails.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
I don't know why I care so much about my toenails, but I do. Herbert, my husband, says "Let 'em go! Let 'em go!" You see, he likes to suck my toes while we're making love. The dirtier, the better, he says.

Miss Daniels SNEEZES.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
(continuing)
Bless you, child. Are you catching cold?

MISS DANIELS
Oh, no. Some of this sawdust just flew up my nose.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Sawdust! Oh, what a charming child! I'm having the time of my life!

Meanwhile, Victor Du Shay, dressed as a window washer, is washing the outer window of the House of Poodles. He can observe Miss Daniels and Mrs. Gravyface from his vantage point. He looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then resumes his washing.

CUT TO:

Miss Daniels continues filing. Mrs. Gravyface begins to squirm in the chair. Her foot dances around, making it difficult for Miss Daniels to file the nails.

MISS DANIELS
Please, Mrs. Gravyface.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Hoo boy! It's getting hot in here!

Miss Daniels follows the dancing foot closely, trying to get a few file strokes in, but she's having problems. The foot smacks her in the face. Miss Daniels is not pleased. She tries again and gets whacked again. She grabs the foot and starts wrestling with it like a snake.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Gravyface's breathing is getting shorter, quicker and more forceful.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Hoo boy! It's getting hot in here!

MISS DANIELS
(to self)
Oh no, not again.
(to Mrs. Gravyface)
Don't worry, Mrs. Gravyface, I know what to do!

She rushes to the sink, fills a bowl with cold water and rushes back.

MISS DANIELS
(continuing)
Hold on, Mrs. Gravyface! Help is on the way!

She flips the sheet back, so it covers Mrs. Gravyface's face. She then lifts up Mrs. Gravyface's dress and tosses the cold water at the groin area.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Woo hoo!

Mrs. Gravyface starts bucking in her seat.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
(continuing)
Ride 'em cowboy!

MISS DANIELS
(whisper)
Please, Mrs. Gravyface, not so loud! What about Miss Cheesish? Oh, poor Mrs. Gravyface!

Mrs. Gravyface squeezes her breasts through the sheet and has an enormous orgasm.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
Oh, Herbert! My Herbert!

Miss Cheesish comes rushing into the room.

MISS CHEESISH
Mrs. Gravyface! My God, are you all right?

Mrs. Gravyface is sprawled on the chair, the sheet still over her face.

Miss Daniels frantically files Mrs. Gravyface's toenails, blowing the filings off after every stroke. Miss Cheesish walks over to Miss Daniels and hovers over her for a few uncomfortable moments.

MISS CHEESISH
(continuing)
Miss Daniels?

Miss Daniels pretends to be engrossed in her work.

MISS CHEESISH
(continuing)
Oh, Miss Daniels.

She gives Miss Daniels arm a nasty twisting pinch when she says "Daniels."

MISS DANIELS
Ow! I mean, what! I mean, what? What?

MISS CHEESISH
Miss Daniels?

MISS DANIELS
Yes, Miss Cheesish?

MISS CHEESISH
Guess what?

MISS DANIELS
I'm fired?

MISS CHEESISH
Clever girl.

Miss Daniels SIGHS and begins to exit.

MISS CHEESISH
(continuing)
And Miss Daniels.

Miss Daniels stops.

MISS DANIELS
Yes, Miss Cheesish?

Miss Cheesish goes over to Miss Daniels, grabs hold of the cartoon poodle head on Miss Daniels' shirt front and rips it off, military style.

MISS CHEESISH
Don't use me as a reference.

MISS DANIELS
No, ma'am.

Miss Daniels exits, covering the hole in her shirt with one hand.

MRS. GRAVYFACE
What's happening? Why is it so dark in here?

MISS CHEESISH
Oh, shut up.

Meanwhile, Victor Du Shay continues washing the outer window. He looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA then sprays the window with cleaner which slowly runs down the glass.

CUT TO:

HOST DONUT COMMERCIAL

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

MOM
Have you ever just felt abandoned?

Pre-teen SON, teen DAUGHTER and HUSBAND tromp through.

SON
Bye, Mom.

DAUGHTER
Bye, Mom.

HUSBAND
Bye, honey.

He kisses Mom on the cheek and follows Son and Daughter out the door.

MOM
"Bye, Mom." "Bye, Mom." I had the "Good-bye Mom Blues!" I tried everything. Sumptuous breakfasts.

CUT TO:

An elegantly dressed Mom holds out a sumptuous breakfast in one hand. She gazes off in the distance with a slight, knowing smile. Son, Daughter and Husband tromp through.

SON
Bye, Mom.

DAUGHTER
Bye, Mom.

HUSBAND
Bye, honey.

He kisses Mom on the cheek and follows Son and Daughter out the door.

MOM
(V.O.)
Entertainment.

CUT TO:

Mom rolls around the kitchen on roller skates. She has a breakfast tray strapped her waist and plays "Love in Bloom" on the violin. Son, Daughter and Husband tromp through.

SON
Bye, Mom.

DAUGHTER
Bye, Mom.

HUSBAND
Bye, honey.

He kisses her on the cheek as she rolls by and follows Son and Daughter out the door.

MOM
(V.O.)
I even tried nailing the door shut!

CUT TO:

Mom nails the door shut. Son, Daughter and Husband exit out the window.

SON
Bye, Mom.

DAUGHTER
Bye, Mom.

HUSBAND
Bye, pumpkin.

He kisses Mom on the cheek and follows Son and Daughter out the window. Mom looks helplessly into the CAMERA.

MOM
(V.O.)
I didn't know what to do.

CUT TO:

PRESENT

MOM
(continuing)
Until I tried Host Donuts. Yes, friends, delicious Host Donuts saved the day.

Son enters.

SON
Bye, Mom.

Suddenly, he sees a FEMALE HOST DONUT lying on top of the kitchen table. She is naked except for "H's" pasted over her nipples and a donut positioned over her crotch.

SON
(continuing)
Oh, wow! Donuts! Gee, thanks, Mom!

He goes for the Female Host Donut.

Daughter enters.

DAUGHTER
Bye, Mom.

Suddenly, she sees a MALE HOST DONUT lying on the kitchen table. The Male Host Donut is also naked except for the nipple "H's." He has a buttermilk bar donut sticking up in his groin area.

DAUGHTER
(continuing)
Buttermilk bars! Oh, heavenly!

She goes for the Male Host Donut. Husband enters.

HUSBAND
Bye, honey.

He is about to kiss Mom on the cheek when he suddenly sees a LITTLE GIRL HOST DONUT lying on the kitchen table. Little Girl Host Donut has nipple "H's," black patent leather shoes, white ankle socks, a big lollipop and a jelly donut over her crotch.

HUSBAND
(continuing)
Whoa! Is that a jelly donut I see over there?

He goes for Little Girl Host Donut.

MOM
Yes, friends. Now, you too, can kiss the "Good-bye Mom Blues" good-bye...

Another MALE HOST DONUT comes up beside Mom and puts his hand on her shoulder. Mom smiles at him, glances at his doughnut bar, then turns back to the CAMERA.

MOM
(continuing)
With Host.

CUT TO:

GENEVIEVE MUNCHER, DETECTIVE - CONTINUED

INT. INSPECTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

The Inspector sits at his desk. Genevieve and DR. LIPTON stand.

INSPECTOR
Muncher, this is Dr. Lipton.

GENEVIEVE
How do you do, Doctor.

She shakes Dr. Lipton's hand.

DR. LIPTON
My pleasure, Ms. Muncher.

INSPECTOR
Dr. Lipton is an expert on unusual sexual practices.

GENEVIEVE
I see.

She leans over for a look at Dr. Lipton's rear end.

INSPECTOR
He will instruct you in the art of visual orgasmatism in order to better prepare you for the apprehension of the criminal, Victor Du Shay.

GENEVIEVE
All right.

She goes over to the Inspector and starts peering intently into his face.

INSPECTOR
Uh, Doctor, wouldn't it be better for Muncher to practice on you? I mean, you're the expert...

DR. LIPTON
Actually, Inspector, research has shown that it's preferable for the novice to begin with someone she's, well, fond of...
(to Genevieve)
Do you like the Inspector, Ms. Muncher?

Genevieve nods sincerely. She puts her hand on top of the Inspector's hand and looks at him lovingly.

INSPECTOR
Hey! What about Young Randall! You should hear how he talks about her!

The Inspector lunges for the phone.

INSPECTOR
(continuing)
Randall! Randall! Get in here, right away!

DR. LIPTON
I'm sorry, Inspector. Top secret.

INSPECTOR
But...

Young Randall enters.

YOUNG RANDALL
Inspector?

The Inspector looks helplessly at Dr. Lipton who shakes his head solemnly.

DR. LIPTON
That'll be all, Randall.

YOUNG RANDALL
Inspector?

The Inspector looks desperately to Dr. Lipton who gravely lowers his head. The Inspector SIGHS.

INSPECTOR
Yes, that will be all, Randall. Thank you.

Young Randall, a little confused, begins to back
out. Genevieve smiles at him. Young Randall, startled,
bumps into the door, then exits.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK - A FEW DAYS LATER

Genevieve and the Inspector walking.

GENEVIEVE
(annoyed)
What are you doing here?

INSPECTOR
What.

GENEVIEVE
I can handle this.

INSPECTOR
I'm here to keep you out of mischief.

GENEVIEVE
God, I hate that word.

INSPECTOR
What. Mischief? It's a perfectly good, utilitarian word.

GENEVIEVE
Yeah, if you're talking about an orangutang.

INSPECTOR
It's been three days. You're not making any progress.

GENEVIEVE
I'm making progress. Y'know this visual orgasmatism thing isn't as easy as it looks.

INSPECTOR
You did it with me.

GENEVIEVE
A three-legged dog could do it with you. I've never seen anybody come so fast. It was humiliating.

INSPECTOR
Well, I was nervous. With Dr. Lipton standing over us yelling "Eyeball! Eyeball!" And when you stuck your tongue in my ear... You see, it all started when I was a child...

GENEVIEVE
Oh, please.

INSPECTOR
Besides, that still doesn't excuse you not making any progress.

GENEVIEVE
I'm making progress.

A BUSINESSMAN walks towards them.

INSPECTOR
Do it with this guy, then.

GENEVIEVE
(disgusted)
No!

INSPECTOR
Y'know, maybe I should replace you with Dr. Lipton.

GENEVIEVE
All right, all right.

INSPECTOR
Then you'll do it?

GENEVIEVE
What did I just say?

INSPECTOR
All right, all right. Here's the plan. I'll engage him in small talk, then you...

He nods his head quickly.

INSPECTOR
(continuing)
Get him. OK?

No answer.

INSPECTOR
(continuing)
OK, Muncher?

GENEVIEVE
Woof, woof.

The Businessman approaches.

INSPECTOR
All right, here he comes...
(to Businessman)
Excuse me, do you have the time?

The Businessman neither looks up nor slows down.

BUSINESSMAN
No I don't.

Genevieve shakes her head in disbelief and walks off.

The Inspector grabs the Businessman by the arm.

INSPECTOR
Uh. Nice weather we're having.

The Businessman tries wriggling free.

BUSINESSMAN
Yes, but if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work. My arm, sir.

INSPECTOR
Work, yes. I work. You see, I'm the Inspector and that's Muncher over there. We're trying to capture Victor Du Shay, visual orgasmatist. So if you could stand still for just a few more seconds...

The Businessman breaks free and scrambles away.

INSPECTOR
(calls after him, continuing)
Thank you! Your government thanks you for your cooperation!

Genevieve re-enters.

INSPECTOR
(continuing)
Well? Did you...

He nods his head quickly.

INSPECTOR
(continuing)
Get him?

GENEVIEVE
No, I didn't...

She mocks his head nod.

GENEVIEVE
(continuing)
Get him.

INSPECTOR
Well, why not? That's why we're out here!

Genevieve exits, fuming. The Inspector follows.

INSPECTOR
(continuing)
Wait! I've got an idea!

Genevieve returns to edge of screen.

GENEVIEVE
STOP FOLLOWING ME!!!!

She exits. The Inspector pauses, then follows.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - A LITTLE LATER

Genevieve and the Inspector sit at a table.

INSPECTOR
Now, you've gotta get this visual orgasm thing down, Muncher, or...

Genevieve sits motionless, staring straight ahead with great concentration

GENEVIEVE
I'm working on it.

INSPECTOR
I don't know...

GENEVIEVE
See that guy sitting in front of us?

SHOT

NICE YOUNG MAN sitting at a table in front of Genevieve and the Inspector. He is eating lunch and reading a newspaper.

INSPECTOR
In front of us?

GENEVIEVE
Yes.

INSPECTOR
Reading the paper?

GENEVIEVE
Yes.

INSPECTOR
You're doing it to him?

GENEVIEVE
Yes.

The Inspector nods quickly.

INSPECTOR
OK.

WAITRESS enters.

WAITRESS
Can I take your order?

INSPECTOR
Uh, yes. Let's see. I'll have coffee...and a danish.

He studies the staring Genevieve.

INSPECTOR
(continuing)
And my young friend here will have...a glass of guava juice... with a large, unpeeled banana stuck inside of it.

Waitress writes down order and exits.

Meanwhile, the Nice Young Man is about to take a bite of his lunch when a strange feeling comes over him. He pauses and considers the situation. He feels normal again and starts to take another bite, but the strange feeling interrupts him once again. He puts down his fork and his paper and peers down at his crotch.

A SECOND WAITRESS enters and suspiciously stands over the Nice Young Man.

SECOND WAITRESS
Is everything OK, sir?

NICE YOUNG MAN
(startled)
Why yes! Everything's fine! Why do you ask?

She leans in slightly for a better look at his crotch.

SECOND WAITRESS
Oh, I don't know...

The Nice Young Man leans forward so she can't see.

NICE YOUNG MAN
Uh, I think I'll have the check now?

SECOND WAITRESS
Was that a stain I saw down there?

NICE YOUNG MAN
No! I mean...could I have the check, please?

SECOND WAITRESS
(pause)
I'm calling the manager.

She starts to exit.

NICE YOUNG MAN
No!

He grabs her by the arm, grimacing from the discomfort of having to stand. The Second Waitress stops exiting. She looks at where her arm is being held. The Nice Young Man releases her and sinks back into his chair.

NICE YOUNG MAN
(continuing)
I mean, no. I'm begging you...

He shakes his fist like Scarlett O'Hara.

NICE YOUNG MAN
(continuing)
If there's a God in Heaven, do not call the manager.
(pause)
If I could please have, just please have the check, I'll never come in this restaurant again. I promise. Promise. Promise.

SECOND WAITRESS
Well...

She slowly rips off the check and dangles it just out of his reach. The Nice Young Man makes several painful efforts to grab the check, but can't stand up enough to reach it.

NICE YOUNG MAN
Could you kind of just hand me the check? Just hand me the check?

She considers his request, then slowly hands him the check.

NICE YOUNG MAN
(continuing)
Thank you. Old football injury.

The Second Waitress considers him some more, then exits. The Nice Young Man slaps some money on the table and hastily exits. He walks towards a WAIST-LEVEL CAMERA, his hands alternately swinging in front of his bulging crotch.

Meanwhile, Genevieve has stopped her staring, exhausted from the effort.

INSPECTOR
(breathless)
He's getting away! Quick! Go run after him!

Genevieve looks disapprovingly at the Inspector, dumps her guava juice in his lap and exits. The Second Waitress passes by, taking a quick glance at the Inspector's crotch.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Victor Du Shay gazes out over the ocean. He raises his hands over his head and begins to sway from side to side in some sort of mysterious invocation. He lowers his hands and continues gazing.

Suddenly, a young, FEMALE JOGGER runs passed. After a thought, Du Shay looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA.
He proceeds to take off his pants and top, revealing a jogging outfit underneath. He removes the outer sheathing of his penny loafers to reveal sneakers. He pulls white sweat socks over his black socks. He takes a racing number from his pocket which he affixes to his chest. He does a few warm-up exercises, then takes off after the Jogger.

CUT TO:

BEACH - FURTHER UP

Genevieve tromps through the sand in her trench coat. She picks up a sea shell, listens to it, hears nothing, shakes it, hits it and listens again.

Suddenly, the Female Jogger runs passed, panting heavily. Genevieve peers after the jogger suspiciously. She listens to her shell again.

Du Shay gives Genevieve a jaunty little wave-like salute as he jogs passed. Genevieve waves back absent-mindedly as she slowly puts things together.

GENEVIEVE
(to self)
Du Shay.

She takes off after him.

GENEVIEVE
(continuing)
Du Shay! Du Shay!

Du Shay veers off, the Female Jogger falls panting to the sand. Genevieve runs after Du Shay.

CUT TO:

EXT. SHACK

Du Shay runs inside and slams the door. Genevieve does the same.

INT. SHACK

It's dark. Genevieve lights a match.

GENEVIEVE
Du Shay?

EXT. BOULDERS OUTSIDE SHACK

Du Shay holds a match in one hand and a bomb fuse in the other. He looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then lights the fuse.

INT. SHACK

Genevieve hunts around for Du Shay.

GENEVIEVE
(coaxingly)
Du Shay. Come out, Du Shay.

Genevieve hears a SIZZLING NOISE. She looks down and sees the lighted fuse. She follows the fuse until she sees a big stack of explosives.

GENEVIEVE
(continuing)
Uh oh.

She runs to the door and tries to open it, but it's locked. She starts BANGING on the door with her fists.

GENEVIEVE
(continuing)
Du Shay! Du Shay! You let me out of here!

EXT. SHACK

GENEVIEVE
(O.S.)
(continuing)
Du Shay! Du Shay!!!!!

The shack EXPLODES.

EXT. BOULDERS

Du Shay looks pleased. A few bits of debris fall on him. He reacts, looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then looks back to the shack.

CUT TO:

INT. INSPECTOR'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY

Young Randall types at his computer.

There is a picture on his desk of him and Genevieve at an office party. They're both wearing party hats. He's typing at his computer, looking down, grinning sheepishly. She's got her hands on his shoulders with her head next to his, smiling at the CAMERA.

Young Randall continues typing at his computer. He wipes a tear away, pauses, then breaks down, weeping into his keyboard.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

A lone figure walks along the grass. It's Victor Du Shay. He's wearing a suit and carrying a potted plant.

He arrives at a grave site and sets the plant down next to a headstone which reads "GENEVIEVE MUNCHER. MAY SHE REST THOUGH IN PIECES." He stands, folds his hands in front of his crotch and bows his head for a few moments of silent contemplation.

A WOMAN appears in a long black dress and veil. She places some flowers on the grave and stands next to Du Shay. Du Shay looks up with a slight smile. Suddenly, the woman starts crying uncontrollably.

WOMAN
Why? Why? She was so good, so kind.

Du Shay puts a comforting arm around her shoulder.

DU SHAY
There, there, young Miss....Were you close?

The woman lifts her veil and smiles at Du Shay. It's Genevieve Muncher, detective!

GENEVIEVE
You might say that.

DU SHAY
You!

GENEVIEVE
Who were you expecting? Flo Nightingale?

She slugs him. He goes reeling backwards and falls on his backside.

DU SHAY
But you're dead! I don't believe it!

GENEVIEVE
Oh. An atheist.

DU SHAY
No, not an atheist. I believe in the death of Genevieve Muncher, detective. Prepare to die!

Du Shay charges Genevieve.

DU SHAY
(continuing)
Aghhh!!!

Genevieve flings off her dress in one motion. She's wearing her regular clothes and trench coat underneath. She assumes a defensive position. Du Shay barrels into her and they go flying backwards. Genevieve wriggles free, scrambles on top of her headstone and leaps for Du Shay.

GENEVIEVE
Aghhh!!!

Du Shay rolls out of the way and Genevieve lands flat on her face. As she begins to raise herself, Du Shay rushes over with the potted plant.

DU SHAY
And I brought you this potted plant, too!

He smashes her over the head with it. The pot breaks apart, but the plant stays balanced on her head like a hat. Genevieve is momentarily stunned, but then regains her equilibrium and rushes over to the headstone, the plant falling from her head. She grabs the bouquet of flowers she brought.

GENEVIEVE
Thanks! But I prefer flowers!

She proceeds to beat Du Shay with the flowers. He runs away. She chases him, hurling the bouquet at him like a missile. The flowers strike Du Shay in the back and knock him forward. He falls into an open grave pit.

DU SHAY
Aghhh!!!

Genevieve charges after him.

GENEVIEVE
Flower Power!!!!

She dives headfirst into the open grave.

GENEVIEVE
(continuing)
Aghhh!!!

Du Shay is lying on the bottom of the grave pit. He begins to rouse himself, but is startled to see Genevieve swooping down on him.

GENEVIEVE
(continuing)
Aghhh!!!

Genevieve lands on top of Du Shay. She slugs him a few times while they're on the ground. Then she stands, yanks Du Shay up and hits him again.

Du Shay goes reeling backwards and falls next to a shovel. He grabs it and takes a swing at Genevieve who ducks. He takes another swing. She ducks. He takes two quick swings and misses again. He takes one more swing and lands it square on her face with a resounding CLANG.

Genevieve's face registers the impact, then she slumps to the ground. Du Shay smiles to himself and tosses the shovel aside.

DU SHAY
Oh, Muncher, Muncher, Muncher. You never learn, do you.

He kneels down beside Genevieve and begins his visual orgasmatism.

DU SHAY
(continuing)
But you will.

Genevieve begins to rouse herself, groaning.

DU SHAY
(continuing)
Good morning, darling. Sleep well?

Genevieve begins breathing heavily.

DU SHAY
(continuing)
Oh, Muncher, if I knew it was going to be like this I never would have killed you the first time.

Genevieve's breathes start getting shorter and more forceful. She closes her eyes and concentrates hard.

DU SHAY
(continuing)
But death is so much better the second time around. You know, I think I'll wear my blue suit to your next funeral...

Genevieve breaks his spell.

GENEVIEVE
No!

DU SHAY
What????

Du Shay starts breathing heavily as Genevieve goes to work on him.

GENEVIEVE
A blue suit, eh? You'll be singing the blues where you're going, Du Shay!

Du Shay, working hard, sweating profusely, breaks through Genevieve's spell and turns the tables once again.

DU SHAY
Oh, Muncher, I'm impressed! I believe I recognize the Dr. Lipton method. A bit crude in the technique, but all right for an amateur like you.

Genevieve, with a supreme act of will, turns the tables once again.

GENEVIEVE
Aha! I may be an amateur, but at least I'm not weird. But I guess my doing what I'm doing makes me kind of weird too, doesn't it. So for now, Du Shay...

Genevieve bears down and finishes Du Shay off. An enormous orgasm for Victor.

Genevieve relaxes, exhausted from the effort.

DU SHAY
I love you, Muncher.

Genevieve slowly rises.

GENEVIEVE
Come on, Du Shay. You've got a date with the Inspector.

CUT TO:

THE EDGE OF THE WORLD

EXT. CLIFF - NIGHT

A WOMAN balances on the edge of a cliff, her arms twirling. SOAP OPERA MUSIC plays.

TITLE: "THE EDGE OF THE WORLD"

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

MR. GREELEY, a business executive, and TRIXIE, his paramour, lie in bed.

MR. GREELEY
Oh, Trixie.

TRIXIE
Oh, Mr. Greeley.

MR. GREELEY
What a wonderful experience. The passion, the excitement. And that last very difficult maneuver was something I'm usually not able to enjoy, but luckily, the present Mrs. Greeley is visiting her mother in Schenectady this week.

He notices the clock and is aghast.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Oh no! Trixie! Ten o'clock! I have a 10:15 meeting with the Board of Directors!

He grabs Trixie by the shoulders.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Oh Trixie!

Trixie sees that Mr. Greeley has a piece of feces pasted across his forehead. Mr. Greeley is not aware of this. Trixie is aghast.

TRIXIE
Oh no!

MR. GREELEY
Oh yes! Oh Trixie!

He jumps out of bed and begins dressing hastily.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Oh, Trixie! Ten o'clock! Ten o'clock! If we hadn't taken the time to perform that last very difficult maneuver, this might never have happened!

TRIXIE
(heartbroken)
Oh, Mr. Greeley.

Mr. Greeley rushes to her. Trixie recoils at having the feces so close. Mr. Greeley keeps trying to talk with her up close, but she keeps dodging him.

MR. GREELEY
Oh, Trixie, Trixie, it's not that I'm blaming you. It's just that I have this very important meeting with the Board of Directors.

Mr. Greeley gives up on the tete-a-tete and continues dressing.

TRIXIE
(close to tears)
Oh, Mr. Greeley.

She slides her head under the covers.

MR. GREELEY
Oh, Trixie, Trixie, why must you be so cruel? I don't want to go. I must go. The Board of Directors...

He stubs his toe.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Agh! God damn it!

He hobbles to Trixie.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Look Trixie, I've bloodied my toe. I did it for you, my darling.

He gets no response and continues dressing.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Oh, Trixie, if you could just be a little more understanding. If you could just show a little more simpatico.

Mr. Greeley stands at the door, dressed, except for his shoes and socks which he holds in his hands.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Trixie. I'm going now....Could you at least say good-bye?

Trixie speaks from beneath the covers.

TRIXIE
Good-bye.

Mr. Greeley rushes to the bed.

MR. GREELEY
Oh, good-bye!

Trixie still remains beneath the covers. Mr. Greeley grabs her hand and plants a passionate kiss on it.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Good-bye, my darling!

He lets her hand go and it falls limply to the bed. Mr. Greeley then begins to exit.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
I won't be late...

He stands at the open door.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
And you'll have that diamond necklace by next Tuesday! I can promise you that right now!

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

ALISON watches television.

TV SCREEN

Televangelist EDWIN GOODE speaks. ORGAN MUSIC plays.

EDWIN
Do you ever feel lonely and depressed? Like life just isn't worth living? Like...I used feel? Well, now you can dissolve that feeling of emptiness with the help of this charming amulet.

He holds up a necklace with a pendant that reads, "YOU CAN FEEL IT IF YOU WANT TO."

EDWIN
(continuing)
Friends, in these troubled times, people are looking for answers, answers to their questions. And with this necklace, you will find those answers. People, complete strangers, will come up to you. They'll come up to you and ask with an almost child-like innocence, "I can feel it if I want to? Feel what? I don't understand?" And you will look at them with all the love in the world and simply say, "Why, the spirit of the Lord."

Alison turns off the TV. She pulls a box out of a drawer and opens it. One of the necklaces is inside.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

A CHAUFFEUR holds the limousine door open for Mr. Greeley.

MR . GREELEY
"Hutchins, Hutchins and Hutchins." And step on it!

INT. LIMOUSINE

The limo is swerving in and out of traffic. Horns are honking, people cursing, drive-by shooters firing. The chauffeur is having problems because he keeps looking in the rear view mirror at the feces on Mr. Greeley's forehead. Mr. Greeley is trying to put on his socks, but is having problems because of all the swerving.

MR. GREELEY
Good God, man, are you mad? Are you insane?

He notices the chauffeur looking at him in the mirror.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Oh, I see. It's my feet! My bare naked feet that you find so fascinating! Well, yes! It's true! High-powered executives have feet! Yes! Feet! Feet!
(to self)
Oh, if only Trixie were here...
(to chauffeur)
You didn't hear that! Understand? You did not hear that!
(to self)
Oh, fuck!

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Alison sits at the bar, reading a Bible and wearing her necklace. A MAN comes and sits next to her. Alison tightens up a little, but continues reading. The man leaves. Alison relaxes, glances discreetly at the vacated stool, then continues reading. She turns a page. She taps the bar a few times with her finger.

A SECOND MAN sits next to her. Alison reads. She then turns her chest slightly towards the Second Man so he can read the message on her necklace. She turns back, keeping her eyes on her book all the while. No reaction.

She does this again, turning a little further, but still no reaction. She does it a third time, twisting her chest with much effort and not a little discomfort, grabbing onto the bar with both hands, so that the necklace faces the Second Man squarely. He notices her.

SECOND MAN
Hi.

Alison leans in closer to her Bible.

SECOND MAN
(continuing)
What are you reading?

Alison leans further forward until her nose touches the page. The Second Man shrugs and exits. Alison turns her head towards where the Second Man was sitting, turns her head back so her nose is touching the page again, then straightens up and considers her situation.

She notices a THIRD MAN sitting at the end of the
bar. She gathers up her things, takes a deep breath and
goes over to him.

She sets her things down, sits next to him, crosses her legs, puts her hand on her hip and her elbow on the bar. She bounces the message of her necklace up and down with her forefinger.

ALISON
Hi, there.

The Third Man looks at Alison glumly and exits.

Alison turns to the other side, a little mystified. She
sees TWO WOMEN.

FIRST WOMAN
(to Second Woman)
And then the guy says, "Why can't I just feel it?"...

ALISON
Excuse me, are you talking about The Edwin Goode Show on TV last night?

The two women look at each other like Alison is strange, then exit. Alison turns to the other side. A FOURTH MAN is sitting there. He hurriedly exits. Alison considers her situation, gathers up her things and, head down, exits sadly.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

The limousine comes careening down the street, smashing into cars right and left. It stops in front of an office building. The door opens and Mr. Greeley comes tumbling out. The limousine speeds away. Mr. Greeley springs up angrily and yells after the limo.

MR. GREELEY
Don't think I'm not reporting this! You'll be out of a job by next Tuesday! I can guarantee you that right now!

INT. LOBBY

Mr. Greeley waits for an elevator.

MR. GREELEY
Come on, come on. Board of Directors...

He impatiently presses the elevator button.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Why must we share elevators with the dime-a-dozen hourly wage earners? Why oh why must we share?

The doors slide open, but the elevator is packed. The OCCUPANTS stare at Mr. Greeley in stunned silence.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Come on, now. Exit. I have a very important meeting with...

Suddenly, the occupants break out in HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
What's so damn funny? Come on! Get out, hyenas!

He starts dragging them out one by one, but as he drags out one laughing occupant, a previously dragged out occupant laughingly staggers back in. Mr. Greeley gives up.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
All right! I'll take the stairs then, damn it! I'll take the stairs!

INT. STAIRWELL

Mr. Greeley huffs and puffs up the stairs.

MR. GREELEY
Hyenas. Madmen. Insanity.

INT. MEETING ROOM

The BOARD OF DIRECTORS and OTHERS are seated at a table. A WOMAN is giving a presentation. Mr. Greeley bursts into the room.

MR. GREELEY
(to self, breathless)
Insane hyenas. Dime-a-dozen madmen.

LARRY hurriedly takes the babbling Mr. Greeley aside.

MR. GREELEY
(continuing)
Larry, what are you doing?

LARRY
You can't attend a meeting with the Board of Directors like that.

MR. GREELEY
Like what?

LARRY
You've got a, a, a thing on your face!

MR. GREELEY
What thing? I don't have any thing on my face.

LARRY
Yes, you do! Look! LOOK!!!!

Larry points to a mirror on the wall. Mr. Greeley looks. The reflection reveals the feces on his forehead and he is ASTONISHED.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT

Alison hurries down the sidewalk, tears streaming down her face. A MAN bumps into her, knocking her things to the ground. Alison kneels down and starts to pick them up. Suddenly, a tall, dark STRANGER appears. He is seen from the waist down. He hands her the Bible.

STRANGER
I believe this is yours.

Alison looks up and takes the Bible.

SIDEWALK - FURTHER UP

Alison and the Stranger walking. Alison is still a little teary, but feeling better.

ALISON
I don't know what I was doing in there. Maybe I shouldn't have brought the Bible. It's just that I bought this necklace...

STRANGER
Necklace? Can I see?

They stop. Alison, a little embarrassed, shows him the necklace.

STRANGER
(reading, continuing)
"You can feel it if you want to?" Feel what? I don't understand.

ALISON
Why...
(sniffles)
the spirit of the Lord.

They start walking again.

STRANGER
The spirit of the Lord. My, my, isn't that something....You know, I don't live very far from here. Why don't you come up so we can continue our discussion in private.

ALISON
Oh, I don't know.

STRANGER
Oh, please...

ALISON
You know, it's getting awfully late...

She starts walking faster. So does the Stranger.

STRANGER
You know, the spirit is a funny thing...

ALISON
Where are we anyway? I, I think I'm lost.

STRANGER
It's like a breath of air or a puff of smoke...

ALISON
I really should be getting back.

She speeds up some more. He does the same.

STRANGER
It can fill a person or fill the world. And it's always there. That is...

He smiles slightly at Alison.

STRANGER
(continuing)
Until it's gone.

Alison is practically running now, but the Stranger is still at her side.

ALISON
(almost crying)
I, I really should be getting back now. Is that a bus stop up there?

She breaks into a run. He takes off after her and brings her down.

Alison is lying on her back, bloodied and crying hysterically. The Stranger straddles Alison's stomach and pins her wrists roughly to the ground.

STRANGER
I can feel it if I want to? I can feel it if I want to? Well, I want to! I want to! THY WILL BE DONE!

He rises up to strike her. A FLASH OF LIGHTNING reveals his ugly, contorted face. Alison lets out a bloodcurdling SCREAM.

CUT TO:

BLANK SCREEN

MALE SINGER
(V.O.)
Night and day You are the one...

Pause.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(V.O.)
This is PVTV. Your Pornovision station.

CUT TO:

ANIMALS ARE ANIMALS

TITLE: HOST DONUTS PRESENTS

CUT TO:

EXT. GREAT OUTDOORS - DAY

Rhythmic, jungle DRUMBEATS heard. They become increasingly louder.

The word "ANIMALS" rushes forward accompanied by a LION'S ROAR. The word "ARE" follows with an ELEPHANT'S TRUMPET. The word "ANIMALS" follows with a DUCK'S QUACKS. They form the title "ANIMALS ARE ANIMALS."

TITLE: WITH YOUR HOST replaces ANIMALS ARE ANIMALS, then disappears.

MARVIN PORKINS goes hurtling and tumbling through the sky, accompanied by WHOOSHING sounds. He retains a standing posture like Monty Python. He swoops in for a landing accompanied by SCREECHING sounds.

The now very loud DRUMBEATS STOP.

MARVIN
Marvin Porkins.

CUT TO:

EXT. CLIFF - DAY

Marvin stands with a fishing pole in one hand. He's fishing in a river, though the river is unseen. He gives automatic tugs on the pole every once in awhile. FRED, his sidekick, stands next to him.

RAGING WATERS always heard at CLIFF.

MARVIN
Hello, again. Fred and I are here in search of that great and valued prize of the Pacific Northwest, the salmon.
(to Fred)
Here, hold this for me, won't you, Fred?

He hands Fred the pole.

FRED
Why certainly, Marvin.

Fred takes the pole and tries nonchalantly tugging on it like Marvin, but he soon realizes that this isn't as easy as Marvin made it look. He grabs onto the pole with both hands and begins struggling mightily.

MARVIN
The salmon, Sockeye or King, is a wonderful sporting fish with its lean muscular body and competitive nature. It's also a wonderful eating fish. Firm, meaty and flavorful. But where do they come from? How do they reproduce? For these and other questions, let's take a look at the following short film.

CUT TO:

TITLE: "WE CAN ALL LEARN FROM THE SALMON." CHARLES DARWIN.

CUT TO:

TITLE: SEX LIFE OF THE SALMON

CUT TO:

RAGING WATERS heard in all following "Sex Life of the Salmon" scenes and titles until otherwise indicated.

TITLE: SALMON BEGIN THEIR JOURNEY AT THE RIVER'S MOUTH.

CUT TO:

RIVER

The "river" is an empty stage. Just the stage floor is shown, no curtains or walls. The lighting is subdued.

"SALMON" enter from the side of the screen accompanied by "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds. The salmon are otherwise normal-looking people, dressed casually. They have their arms pressed tightly to their sides and are hunched forward slightly. They proceed through a series of wiggles and hops with their legs remaining pressed together.

CUT TO:

TITLE: BUT THE RIVER IS FRAUGHT WITH DANGER!

CUT TO:

RIVER

Salmon stand in the shadows. They face a large, brightly lit, video screen that shows a giant log barrelling down on them. The salmon hold their hands up for protection.

CUT TO:

The salmon are caught by FISHERPEOPLE with poles and BEARS who go into the river and drag the salmon out. The fisherpeople and bears are having a wonderful time. They drink beer and slap each other on the back in a spirit of good fellowship.

They bring the caught salmon to a big basket. When the lid is opened, the salmon inside flop about helplessly. The just-caught salmon are tossed on top of the others and the lid closed.

CUT TO:

A "SQUIRREL," "MOSQUITO," "COUGAR," "MOOSE," "FLY" and "RAT" stand next to each other. They are people dressed in the costumes of their respective animal. They bob up and down menacingly. They suddenly stop bobbing and just stare at us laconically with their glowing red eyes.

CUT TO:

TITLE: AFTER THE LONG JOURNEY, THE SALMON REACHES THE CALM WATERS OF THE SPAWNING POOLS WHERE THE MIRACLE OF LIFE BEGINS.

The RAGING WATER sounds stop for the remainder of "The Sex Life of the Salmon" scenes and titles unless otherwise indicated.

CUT TO:

SPAWNING POOL

A vast, empty space with a feeling of circularity. A light mist rises from the ground. The lighting is subdued.

Through a heavy mist at the edge of the pool, a FEMALE SALMON enters. Her arms and legs are now free. She comes in, slowly spinning in wonder as if in a dream, taking in her new environment. When breaking through the mist, she is accompanied by RAGING WATER sounds and FLASHES OF LIGHTNING. After she is through, all is peaceful again.

The "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds are now heard.

She slowly realizes where she is and is overjoyed. She dances through the open space, revelling in her newfound freedom. But she soon remembers why she's here and begins her work.

She carefully begins to slide a hand into her pants pocket. The CAMERA MOVES IN. She notices the CAMERA, admonishes it for the invasion of her privacy and discretely turns away. But the CAMERA SLOWLY FOLLOWS and gets a CLOSE-UP of her slowly fingering the first luminous, Ping-Pong-sized egg from out of her pocket. The egg falls to the ground.

She reaches in again and brings out more eggs. She reaches into both pockets and begins scooping out handfuls of eggs.

After she's finished, she gives a little shudder of delight. She reaches in deeply again, attempting to re-create the experience.

CUT TO:

TITLE: AFTER THE FEMALE SALMON'S WORK IS DONE, SHE DIES.

CUT TO:

SPAWNING POOL

"BLOOP BLOOP" sounds

The female salmon is still trying to dig eggs out of her pockets, but they're all gone. She checks her back pockets and shirt pocket, but nothing. She shakes one leg, then the other, but nothing comes out.

Suddenly, she coughs. (Though we don't hear it.) She stops searching, clears her throat and continues her search. She coughs again. She stops her searching, considers the situation, coughs again and collapses to the ground.

Realizing her fate, she takes an egg in her hand, gently talks to it, kisses it, then dies. Her fingers slowly curl around the egg.

The "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds stop.

CUT TO:

CLIFF

A FEMALE HOST DONUT stands next to Marvin with her hand on his shoulder. Fred struggles in the background with the pole.

MARVIN
We'll return to our friends, the salmon, after this word from our sponsor.

CUT TO:

HOST DONUT COMMERCIAL

INT. DONUT FACTORY

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.)
At Host Donuts, we take pride in what we do. We never skimp on the delicious cream filling.

A MALE WORKER removes a cream-filler hose from a FEMALE HOST DONUT's donut. She admonishes him, sticks the hose back in her donut and reacts with comic sensual delight.

INT. KITCHEN

A WOMAN, a MALE HOST DONUT and a FEMALE HOST DONUT sit around a table.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
Our donuts are friendly...

The Woman says something funny and the Host Donuts laugh.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
Compassionate...

The Woman, crying, says something sad. The Host Donuts nod sympathetically.

INT. HOST DONUT SHOP

HOST DONUTS, smiling and expectant, sit in a shiny glass case.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
And just waiting for you to take them to your home.

A SECOND WOMAN exits. She is trailed by a ducky-like string of smiling MALE HOST DONUTS, their donut bars bobbing up and down.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
In fact, why not take home a dozen...

INT. LIVING ROOM

The Second Woman is dancing with the Male Host Donuts.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
For a Host Donut party!

CUT TO:

ANIMALS ARE ANIMALS - CONTINUED

CLIFF

Fred holds the pole over his shoulder with both hands. He slowly makes his way across the screen behind Marvin and the Female Host Donut as if pulling an enormous weight.

MARVIN
Yes, friends, that's Host. From coast to coast, the most delicious donut you're ever gonna wanna wrap your lips around.

Fred is at the end of his rope. He is stopped in mid-strain, then pulled sliding backwards while still in his pole-holding position. He falls backwards over the edge of the cliff. The Female Host Donut watches him slide off.

FRED
Aghhh!!!

A BIG SPLASH is heard.

MARVIN
Now back to our program.

Marvin breaks a little piece off the Female Host Donut's donut, puts it in his mouth and starts chewing. The Female Host Donut looks at Marvin and shrugs her shoulders with delight.

CUT TO:

TITLE: AFTER THE FEMALE SALMON DIES, THE MALE COMES TO PERFORM HIS FUNCTION.

CUT TO:

SPAWNING POOL

A MALE SALMON comes stumbling through the thick mist accompanied by RAGING WATER sounds and LIGHTNING FLASHES.

The "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds return.

He can't believe what he's been through. He looks back indignantly at the thick mist and gestures angrily. He turns around and notices where he is. He is transfixed and walks around in wonder.

Suddenly, he sees the Female Salmon lying on the ground. He is overjoyed and scampers over to her. He tells her how glad he is to see her and recounts all he's been through, the strong currents, the battles, etc.

He waits for a reply, but there is none. He tells a little more about his journey, waits for a response, but nothing. He leans in a little closer and nervously calls to her. He reaches down and touches her cold cheek and quickly recoils in horror.

He's suddenly enraged. Who's done this! Come on out and fight! But no one comes. He takes a step back and bumps into an egg. He looks down and sees the egg. He looks around and sees all the other eggs.

He looks at the Female Salmon again, then at the eggs. Now he gets it. He slaps his forehead and goes over to the Female Salmon and swears to her that he will not let her down.

He goes over to the eggs, picks one up and tickles it, then plays "peek-a-boo." He's happy and contented. He gently sets down the egg and begins carefully lining up the other eggs.

At the entrance, a dashingly handsome EVIL SALMON strides in through the mist accompanied by RAGING WATER sounds and LIGHTNING FLASHES. Following him are two scraggly HENCHSALMON who drag themselves through the mist, almost half dead.

The Evil Salmon boldly surveys the area. He spots the dead Female Salmon and the Male Salmon lining up the eggs. He indicates what he sees to his Henchsalmon, but the Henchsalmon are fighting with each other.

The Evil Salmon hits the Henchsalmon and tells them to shape up. He points out their next target and tells them his plan. They nod approvingly and begin to sneak around behind the Male Salmon. The Evil Salmon calls out to the Male Salmon.

None of the Evil Salmon's dialogue is heard.

EVIL SALMON
Hallo! Hallo!

The Male Salmon looks up and waves to the Evil Salmon in a friendly manner.

EVIL SALMON
(continuing)
What are you doing over there, my friend?

The Male Salmon goes through his recounting of his journey, his arrival, his discovery and how he has to perform his function now.

The Evil Salmon pulls a bottle of liquor from beneath his jacket and holds it out to the Male Salmon.

EVIL SALMON
(continuing)
Come have a drink with me!

The Male Salmon indicates that he cannot. He has a lot of work to do. The Evil Salmon keeps insisting. The Male Salmon keeps refusing.

Meanwhile, the two Henchsalmon are now behind the Male Salmon and they grab him. They drag the struggling Male Salmon to the Evil Salmon who takes a swig from the bottle. He taps the Male Salmon on the chest with the bottle.

EVIL SALMON
(continuing)
You said you had to perform your function, my friend?

He strides over to the eggs.

EVIL SALMON
(continuing)
But you're wrong!

He stands among the eggs and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a handful of sperm and holds it high over his head.

EVIL SALMON
(continuing)
For you see, I am the one who will perform the function!

He takes a swig from the bottle and hurls the first handful of sperm at the eggs.

The Male Salmon is horrified. He redoubles his efforts to break free, but the riotous Henchsalmon hold him fast.

The Evil Salmon takes another swig and hurls another handful of sperm.

One Henchsalmon holds the Male Salmon from behind as the other tickles him. The angry Male Salmon stomps on the foot of the Henchsalmon holding him and breaks free. He takes a swing at the other who ducks. The Male Salmon is spun around by the force of his swing and the tickling Henchsalmon laughingly grabs him from behind and the first Henchsalmon begins the tickling.

The Evil Salmon hurls another handful of sperm. Then another. Then another. Finally, he is through. He takes a swig from the bottle and strides back to the Male Salmon who stands with his head down, defeated.

The Evil Salmon tells his Henchsalmon that they can go have their fun with the eggs now. They eagerly comply. The Evil Salmon puts his arm around the Male Salmon.

EVIL SALMON
It's not so bad, my friend.

He puts the bottle up to the Male Salmon's lips, but he turns his head away. The Evil Salmon sneers, but then catches himself and calls out to his Henchsalmon.

EVIL SALMON
(continuing)
Hallo! Hallo! Time to go, me hearties!

The Henchsalmon are rolling around in the eggs, stomping on them, throwing sperm at one another and just having a good time. They hear their master and scramble back to him.

The Evil Salmon begins exiting.

EVIL SALMON
(continuing)
Hallo! Hallo! It's time to go!

He tosses the bottle carelessly into the air. It lands among the eggs where it shatters into a thousand pieces.

EVIL SALMON
(to Male Salmon, continuing)
So long, my friend! Have a nice life!

He laughs and strides majestically out through the thick mist of the entrance accompanied by RAGING WATER sounds and LIGHTNING FLASHES.

The two Henchsalmon beat down the unresisting Male Salmon and exit laughing, leaving him for dead.

The "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds stop.

RAGING WATER sounds and LIGHTNING FLASHES as the Henchsalmon exit through the mist.

CUT TO:

TITLE: THE CYCLE OF LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE. A NEW GENERATION OF SALMON TO BE BORN.

CUT TO:

TITLE: BUT SOMETIMES NATURE TAKES PITY AND SENDS FORTH ITS EMISSARIES TO THOSE IN NEED.

CUT TO:

SPAWNING POOL

A BALL OF LIGHT floats in and hovers over the dead Male and Female Salmon. The Ball dissolves revealing ALL SALMON BEFORE, a big, hoary-looking salmon with big lips, glasses and big, feathery wings sticking out where people's arms usually are. A sign hangs around his neck that reads "ALL SALMON BEFORE."

He hovers over the dead salmon, tail pointing to the ground, wings flapping methodically. He looks straight ahead, blandly.

He then levitates his body horizontally to the ground and considers the Male and Female Salmon.

He flies over to the Female Salmon, extends his wing and with the tip touches her outstretched closed hand. A GLOWING LIGHT flashes where he has touched her. Her fingers slowly unwind to reveal the luminous, still pristine, egg that she had held before her death.

He then flies over to the Male Salmon and touches his head with an outstretched wing tip causing another GLOWING LIGHT FLASH.

He then resumes his vertical position, slowly flaps his wings and rises, rises, through the top of the screen.

The Male Salmon slowly opens his eyes and looks to the Female Salmon.

MALE SALMON
(unheard)
All is not lost.

He drags himself over to the Female Salmon until he is beside her. He painfully reaches into his pocket, pulls out some sperm and sprinkles it over the egg in her outstretched hand. Then he dies.

CUT TO:

CLIFF

Fred, Marvin and the Female Host Donut stand side by side. Fred is soaking wet and cradles a big, heavy, real SALMON in his arms.

MARVIN
Tune in next week for another edition of ANIMALS!

LION'S ROAR heard when he says "animals."

FEMALE HOST DONUT
ARE!

ELEPHANT'S TRUMPET heard when she says "are."

FRED
ANIMALS!

DUCK'S QUACKING heard when he says "animals."

MARVIN
Good-bye, everybody.

Fred LAUGHS like Donald Duck. The Female Host Donut looks at him and shrugs her shoulders with delight.

CUT TO:

THE BREEDY BUNCH

BREEDY GRID

"Brady Bunch"-type headshots of the actors in the nine squares. BOOBY, the youngest son, is in the lower right square. He is looking disgusted. SIN PERSONIFIED, the youngest daughter, is in the lower left square. She is wearing "The Exorcist"-type demon make-up and takes bites out of squirrels she has in each hand. Everyone else is smiling.

THEME SONG
(V.O.)
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
All of them had hair of gold
Like their mother,
The youngest one ate squirrels...

TITLE: "THE BREEDY BUNCH" superimposed.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

SEGUE MUSIC

Booby sits at the kitchen table eating milk and cookies. BALLAST, the maid, and MARUSHKA, the eldest daughter, stand in the background and engage in a conversation for Booby's benefit.

MARUSHKA
Poor little Sinny. Up all alone in her room with no one to visit.

BALLAST
Well, I'd go, Marushka, but I was up there all morning reading her stories.

MARUSHKA
How she loves having stories read to her.

BALLAST
And you were there all afternoon changing her little bed linen and being the good nurse.

MARUSHKA
Anything for little Sinny.

BALLAST
And the Doctor said no one could be with her for more than a few hours a day without catching her little illness.

MARUSHKA
If only there was someone who could go up there.

Booby, who has been listening suspiciously, puts down his milk and cookies, waiting for the question.

BALLAST
What about Booby?

Booby makes a face.

MARUSHKA
Oh, Booby wouldn't go.

BALLAST
Why not?

MARUSHKA
Oh, well, he's just so selfish, is all.

Booby reluctantly gets up.

BALLAST
Oh, don't say that, Marushka. It's just not true!

BOOBY
I'm going, I'm going...

MARUSHKA
Oh, but it is, Ballast! Did I ever tell you about the time...

Booby exits.

CUT TO:

INT. SIN'S BEDROOM

Like a scene from The Exorcist. Sin lies in bed with the demon make-up and the cold breath rising from her rasping mouth. Booby nervously sticks his head in the door.

BOOBY
Hi, Sinny. Guess who?

He enters, standing just inside the room.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Uh, can I get you anything? An aspirin, some throat lozenges?

Sin continues breathing heavily, emitting little coughs every now and then.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Well, I guess you're kind of tired. I'll just...

He turns to exit. The door slams shut.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Well, maybe not.

Sin speaks. She has a raspy, child demon's voice.

SIN
"Wead" me a "stowy".

BOOBY
Oh, I don't know, Sinny...

The bed starts shaking and objects go crashing through the room.

BOOBY
(continuing)
All right, all right. Jeez!

Things calm down. Booby sits down on Sin's bed and looks over the books on her night stand.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Let's see. What do we have here. "Goldilocks and the Three Vibrators," "Snow White Gets It On With the Dwarfs"...Oh, here's one.

He picks up a book.

BOOBY
(continuing)
"Jack and the Bean Sprouts"! One of my personal childhood favorites.
(reads)
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack who instead of liking ice cream and candy recognized the nutritional value of bean sprouts...

Sin grabs Booby's wrist and squeezes.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Ow, ow! You're hurting me, Sinny.
(reads)
Now Jack was a healthy lad...

Sin squeezes again.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Ow, ow!

SIN
"Gowdiwocks."

BOOBY
All right, all right. "Gowdiwocks."

Sin squeezes.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Ow! I mean "Goldilocks."

He picks up "Goldilocks."

BOOBY
(reads, continuing)
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks...

SIN
"Gowdiwocks"...

BOOBY
Yes, that's right!
(reads)
And one day while walking through the woods, she chanced upon a little cottage...
(to Sin)
Can you say "cottage," Sinny?

Sin squeezes.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Ow! Stop it!

He bonks Sin on the head with the book. He immediately becomes nervous about how she might react, but Sin does nothing. The cold breath continues to rise from out of her rasping throat.

BOOBY
(continuing)
I mean... .
(reads)
So Goldilocks went inside the cottage and saw three vibrators. She tried the first one, but the vibrating action was so fierce that it knocked all the fillings out of Goldilocks' teeth...

Sin COUGHS.

SIN
I have a "cowd."

BOOBY
Yes, Sinny, that's why I'm here.
(reads)
So Goldilocks tried the second vibrator, but the vibrating action was too sluggish for a young girl's proper stimulation...

Sin COUGHS some more.

SIN
I have a "cowd." I have a "cowd."

She lets out a big, hacking COUGH and a glob of green phlegm hits Booby in the face. Booby wipes it off. He's becoming worried.

BOOBY
Oh, pardon me, Booby...
(reads)
So Goldilocks tried the third vibrator.. .

Sin COUGHS and another glob of phlegm hits Booby in the face. He wipes it off.

BOOBY
(continuing)
And...

The phlegm globs are flying now.

BOOBY
(continuing)
And the third vibrator was j-u-u-u-st...

A phlegm glob flies inside his open mouth. Booby makes a face, spits out the phlegm glob and rushes for the door, but a big stream of green vomit hits him in the back and knocks him down. He scrambles to his feet and faces Sin.

SIN
(O.S.)
I have a "cowd." I have a "cowd."

Another big stream of vomit knocks Booby down. Booby scrambles to his feet and makes his way to the door as a continuous stream of vomit impedes his progress. He opens the door. The vomit stops momentarily.

BOOBY
Don't move, Sinny. I'm gonna get you a barf bag, OK?

Another stream of vomit hits him.

BOOBY
(continuing)
OK.

Booby exits.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING

Booby sits at the table trying to eat his breakfast. His siblings are tormenting him, GIGGLING, poking him, etc. Booby tries to ignore them. FLAN, the middle daughter, takes Booby's hand and starts masturbating with it.

FLAN
Oh, Booby! Booby!

Booby snatches his hand away and wipes it off with a napkin. Flan dances away. Everyone GIGGLES. Booby looks after Flan, disgusted.

From the other side, Sin takes one of Booby's sausages, masturbates with it and puts it back on his plate. STIFLED GIGGLES and WHISPERS. Booby takes a bite from the sausage. LAUGHTER. Marushka leans in.

MARUSHKA
How does that sausage taste, Booby?

Booby looks piercingly at her.

BOOBY
Like it's supposed to.

BIG LAUGHS. More WHISPERS and scurrying. Booby continues trying to eat his breakfast as if none of this bothers him.

Suddenly, a stream of urine arcs over Booby's head and onto his plate. More LAUGHTER. Booby puts down his fork and stares at the defiled plate. FLEEGLE, the middle son, climbs on top of the table, squats over Booby's plate and deposits a stream of diarrhea. BIG LAUGHS. Fleegle scrambles off the table.

FLEEGLE
Oh, hee hee hee hee...

Booby pushes his chair away from the table. He hears more WHISPERS and ACTIVITY behind him. He surreptitiously looks back out of the corner of his eye.

Suddenly, GROG, the eldest son, grabs Booby's chair from behind and tries to yank it out from under him. But Booby grabs on tightly and holds his ground. Grog yanks again. But Booby holds on tighter. Grog tries again. But Booby will not let go.

Grog gives the chair an enormous yank. Booby still
holds on tightly, but the force of this last tug causes the
chair to tilt forward, sending Booby's face crashing
into the defiled plate. BIG LAUGHTER.

The chair smoothly swings back to its level position. Booby, still determined, won't let go. Grog gives another mighty yank. Booby's face goes crashing into the plate again. More LAUGHTER. Booby falls back to the level position again. Grog continues trying to yank the chair away, each time Booby's face hitting the plate and then falling back. The rhythm slowly increases until a steady pounding is developed.

MRS. BREEDY, the mother, sitting at another part of the table, notices the disturbance.

MRS. BREEDY
Now kids, really...

She speaks to GRYKE, the father, who has been performing oral sex on her from beneath the table.

MRS. BREEDY
(continuing)
Gryke. . .

Gryke pops his head up.

GRYKE
Ok, kids, you heard your mother. Now settle down...

He indicates Mrs. Breedy's lap.

GRYKE
(continuing)
So I can finish my meal.

He holds up one finger to Grog.

GRYKE
(continuing)
Grog, remember our agreement.

GROG
Right, Dad.

Grog stops yanking, leaving Booby tilted forward with his face in the plate of diarrhea.

GROG
(continuing)
Come on, guys, let's go. Come on, Fleegle.

FLEEGLE
Oh, hee hee hee hee...

Booby's siblings exit.

Booby's chair slowly slides out from under him. His body, still in the sitting position, swings down underneath the table, his chin serving as the fulcrum. He swings up under the table until he's parallel with the underside of the table, his knees crashing through the table top. He freezes there for a second, then comes crashing to the floor on his back, still in the sitting position.

CUT TO:

INT. BOOBY'S BEDROOM - LATER

Booby watches television.

CUT TO:

TV SCREEN

PITCH MAN
Life got you down? Think there's no escape?

GUY in suit of armour, holding mace, enters.

PITCH MAN
(continuing)
Well, that's because you haven't tried the "Little Sir Lancelot Suit of Armour." Get rid of those pesky annoyances.

Guy swings his mace.

PITCH MAN
(continuing)
And start living the life you deserve.

Guy nods at CAMERA, his visor still down.

CUT TO:

Booby turns off the TV.

BOOBY
By God, I'll do it!

SEGUE MUSIC

CUT TO:

ROTO-WIPE COMMERCIAL

PITCH WOMAN
Do you ever feel...unclean? Like little pieces of feces are stuck to your anal region? Well, friends, your days of fret are over, thanks to the good people at Roto-Wipe.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM

A WOMAN sits on the toilet reading "Taut Tales From Wall Street." We hear a PLOP followed by a FIZZ. Green smoke rises from the toilet between her legs. She holds her nose and fans the air with the book.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
After our young heroine is through, she goes not to the outmoded toilet paper.

The Woman sets down the book and goes over to a device attached to the floor. It's a little over a foot in height and has a barrel base with a vibrator-shaped column rising from the top. The top one inch of the column is covered with a layer of toilet tissue.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
But to the revolutionary, user-friendly, Roto-Wipe Rotating Toilet Paper for quick, purifying relief. She merely assumes a balancing position over her Roto-Wipe.

The Woman squats over the Roto-Wipe.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
And once!...

The Woman squats down on top of the column tip. A WHIRRING sound is heard. She rises.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
Twice!...

The Woman squats again. The WHIRRING is a little higher pitched. She rises.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
Tha-a-a-a...

The Woman squats down, holding her position a little longer. The WHIRRING is a little more highly pitched and a little longer, ending with a feeling of flying-off finality. She rises.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
Re-e-e times is all it takes! And after she's through, she merely removes the top layer of the patented Sani-Cov covering...

The Woman bends down and tears off the top layer of toilet tissue with her thumbs and forefingers. She holds the tissue over the Roto-Wipe displaying a perfect brown circle.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
And then, toss...

The Woman tosses the tissue into the toilet.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
Flush...

The Woman flushes.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
And she's clean, confident and ready to go about her daily routine.

The Woman shuffles out of the bathroom with her pants still around her ankles, closing the door on the way out.

CLOSE-UP of the Roto-Wipe.

PITCH WOMAN
(V.O.) (continuing)
Roto-Wipe. Just what I needed.

CUT TO:

THE BREEDY BUNCH - CONTINUED

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - FEW DAYS LATER

SEGUE MUSIC.

Mrs. Breedy writing at a nightstand. The doorbell RINGS downstairs.

MRS. BREEDY
Ballast!...

INT. DEN

Ballast is seated on a table against a wall. Grog has his pants down and is engaging in intercourse with her. Ballast has a feather duster in each hand. She spins each over her head causing each duster to dust a trophy on an overhead trophy case. Her legs kick out with Grog's every thrust.

The doorbell RINGS again.

MRS. BREEDY
(O.S.) (continuing)
Ballast?...

BALLAST
I'm in the den dusting off Grog's trophy, Mrs. Breedy!

INT. STAIRS

Marushka descending wearing a sexy nightgown.

MARUSHKA
I'll get it, Mom!

As she approaches the front door, Booby rushes passed her.

BOOBY
Out of my way, trollop!

Marushka reacts with mock surprise. Booby opens the door. A DELIVERY BOY is there with a large wooden crate.

DELIVERY BOY
Delivery for Booby Breedy.

BOOBY
That's me! Where do I sign?

The Delivery Boy hands him a clipboard and points to a spot. Booby takes the clipboard and signs.

Meanwhile, Marushka has been flirting with the Delivery Boy. They engage in a passionate kiss, sink to the floor and begin engaging in sexual relations.

BOOBY
(to self)
At last! My days of fret are over. Clean, cool and confident. I...

He notices Marushka and the Delivery Boy on the floor and registers his disapproval.

BOOBY
(to CAMERA, continuing)
Where all the neighbors can see, too...

CUT TO:

MASTER BEDROOM - LATER

SEGUE MUSIC.

Mrs. Breedy writes at the night stand. Flan sticks her head in the door.

FLAN
Mom, why don't we have a dog?

MRS. BREEDY
I don't know, dear.

BOOBY'S BEDROOM

SFX: LOW "BOING"

Booby stands next to the open crate wearing the suit of armor. The visor is up and he is holding the mace.

BOOBY
At last!

He swings the mace.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Take that, Marushka! And Grog...

He swings the mace.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Booby's here. Get used to it. And now...

He takes an awkward step.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Off to the kitchen for some well deserved milk and cookies.

He surveys the area.

BOOBY
(continuing)
You know, this house isn't so bad once you get a look at it. A new paint job. Some flowers in the yard. Nice.

He starts to take another step, but falls backwards.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Whoa!...

Booby lies on his back, fuming. He struggles to get up, flailing his arms and legs, but is unsuccessful. He pauses, then tries again, but it's no good.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Mm! Live like a turtle, die like a turtle. That's my motto now.

He tries again. Nothing. Suddenly, he hears SINGING in the distance.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Uh oh.

Booby's visor closes by itself.

BEDROOM DOOR - LOOKING OUT

MARUSHKA
(O.S.) (singing)
Oh when the saints
Go marching in.
Oh when the saints go marching in...

Marushka, in sexy nightgown, walks across the doorway. She pauses and does a little step.

MARUSHKA
(singing, continuing)
Oh Lord, I want
To be in that number...

She continues walking.

MARUSHKA
(O.S.) (singing, continuing)
When the saints go marching in.

Pause.

Marushka re-appears at the doorway, her hands on her hips. She pauses, enters, then stands over the suit of armor, considering.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
A suit of armor...I wonder where it came from?

She looks around. She looks up at the ceiling. Then she notices the crate and understands. She puts her hands on her hips in mock severity.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
All right, Booby Breedy, I know you're in there.

SHOT

Inside Booby's helmet.

BOOBY
(to self)
What's she saying out there?

Booby tries to get up, flailing his arms and legs.

MARUSHKA
Stop that! Stop that!

She stomps on his chest. A HOLLOW METALLIC SOUND is heard. Booby stops flailing.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
You know why you're like this, don't you?

Booby flails, then stops.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Well, I'll tell you then. It's because you're anti-social. And you know what else? You're anti-family as well. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I? I, who have read Little Women countless numbers of times, anti-family?"

But who knows? Maybe I could forgive you for being anti-family. I mean, let's face it, some members of this family could use a few years of intensive psychological counseling. And anti-social? Well, who cares about society anymore?
(starts crying)
But Booby, Booby, though I could forgive you for being anti-social and anti-family, what I cannot, cannot forgive you for is being anti-Marushka! Anti-Marushka, Booby! Oh, Booby, why does it have to be like this?

She flings herself on Booby and cries uncontrollably.

After a few moments, she looks across and notices a small box inside the wooden crate marked "ACCESSORIES." She reaches for the box, opens it and takes out a dildo and wrench. She looks at them curiously, though she still blubbers every once in awhile for Booby's benefit.

She looks down at the crotch of Booby's armor and sees an unscrewable bolt head. She looks at the wrench and dildo again, then back at the bolt head and smiles to herself. She moves down to the bolt head and starts unscrewing it.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Ah, Booby, Booby...

She finishes unscrewing the bolt head. She tosses it aside and peers down the bolt hole.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Oh, Booby, if there were only something I could do to make you like me better. Can you think of something, Booby? Can you?

SHOT

Inside Booby's helmet.

BOOBY
(to self)
I'm sending this thing back. I don't care...

Marushka looks at the threads on the bottom of the dildo, looks at the hole again and tries to screw it in. It stands for a few moments then falls off.

MARUSHKA
Booby? Can you? I have a feeling you're not trying very hard.

She looks at the threads and hole again. She holds the dildo by the tip with two fingers and slowly lowers it into the hole. She then twirls it around by the tip until it's screwed in. Then she grabs the dildo with her hand and gives it a final twist.

She gives the dildo a few wiggles to make sure it's secure. She's satisfied and turns her attention back to Booby.

MARUSHKA
(mock gasp, continuing)
Booby! No! What are you thinking! Is this your answer? I mean, my goodness! I never thought. I never knew.

She agonizes over her situation for a few moments.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Very well. I'll do it.

She quickly lies on her back and whips off her panties. She then positions herself on top of the dildo and does a few gyrations for lubrication purposes.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
I just want you to know that I'm not doing this for me. Or for you. But for us...

She pauses dramatically over the dildo.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
For us, Booby.

She plunges down on the dildo.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Oh, Paradise Found!

She slides up and down on the dildo.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Oh, Booby, Booby. And I thought Grog was well-endowed. You know, Grog has such a large penis that when he goes surfing, Grog hangs eleven. But you, Booby, you. You're the King Kong of Ding Dongs! Oh, Booby!...

She begins riding violently up and down.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Booby? Booby, what's happening? Oh, Booby, stop! Please Booby, no!

She starts crying. She bangs on the armor's chest making a HOLLOW METALLIC SOUND.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
You beast! You animal! How can you do this to me? Stop! Please, Booby! Please! No! No!...

She has an enormous orgasm.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Booby-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y...

She lies on top of Booby for a few moments, exhausted, then slides off the dildo. She crawls up to Booby's helmet and opens the visor.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
How you doing in there, Booby?

Booby makes a face. Marushka makes a face back and kisses him. He spits at her.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
Oops, better close the window. Looks like rain.

She closes the visor. She looks up. Grog bends down to kiss her.

Grog and Fleegle carry Booby out in his armor. Marushka follows.

FLEEGLE
Oh, hee hee hee...

EXT. BACK YARD

A big bonfire burns. Grog has Booby by the wrists. Fleegle has him by the ankles. They swing him from side to side. Marushka watches.

GROG AND FLEEGLE
Heave ho! Heave ho!

They toss Booby on the bonfire on the second "ho!" Grog, Fleegle and Marushka exit laughing.

INSIDE BOOBY'S HELMET

Glowing red and filling with smoke. ROARING FIRE SOUNDS.

BOOBY
I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you...

Booby obscured by smoke.

CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS FAMILY ROOM - LATER

SEGUE MUSIC

Mrs Breedy sits in an armchair, writing on a note pad. Gryke has his head between her legs, performing oral sex. Grog and Marushka sit familiarly on one side of the couch and watch television. Marushka is in her sexy nightgown. Fleegle and Flan are making out on the other side of the couch.
Sin Personified sits on the floor. On her lap is a pink paper bag with the word "BARF!" written on it in big, multi-colored balloon letters. She barfs into it.

EXT. BACK YARD

The bonfire has burned down. Booby lies on top of a smouldering layer of ashes and debris. He slowly rises and begins staggering towards the house. Pieces of his smoking armor fall off as he walks. His helmet is still on. His dildo is still attached, but it's slightly melted and curved downward.

BOOBY
I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you...

TV SCREEN IN FAMILY ROOM

"Password" parody. The HOST stands behind a podium. MAN #1 AND WOMAN #1 sit behind a low counter to his left. MAN #2 and WOMAN #2 sit behind a low counter to his right.

HOST
(low voice)
And the mystery word is...

He lowers his head and cups his hand over his mouth.

HOST
(low voice, continuing)
Jammin'.

The word "JAMMIN'" is superimposed on the bottom of the screen when the Host says "jammin'." A DING from a bell is heard. He turns to Team #1 on his left.

HOST
(continuing)
Ten points!

MAN #1 and WOMAN #1 look seriously at each other.

MAN #1
Fuck.

They continue looking seriously at each other.

WOMAN #1
Screw.

BUZZER sounds.

HOST
No, I'm sorry.

BREEDY HOUSE

Booby enters, his armor still clanking off his body.

TV SCREEN

The Host gives the CAMERA a serious look. He turns to Team #2.

HOST
(continuing)
Nine points.

MAN #2 looks seriously at WOMAN #2 who has a goofy smile on her face.

WOMAN #2
(goofily)
Intercourse.

MAN #2
(to self)
Fuck. Intercourse. Fuck. Intercourse.

Woman #2 retains her goofy smile.

WOMAN #2
(goofily)
Intercourse.

The BUZZER sounds.

FAMILY ROOM

GROG
What a bunch of dipshits. I know what it is.

MARUSHKA
You do not.

Grog looks at her smugly.

MARUSHKA
(continuing)
All right, what is it then?

GROG
Bang.

Marushka laughs derisively.

GROG
(continuing)
Well, what do you think it is, then?

MARUSHKA
Coitus.

GROG
Co-what-us?

MARUSHKA

Not "co-what-us." Coitus, you dipshit!

Marushka laughs when she says "dipshit." She and Grog start to argue.

TOP OF STAIRS

Booby continues his journey. He takes off the helmet, dropping it to the floor.

FAMILY ROOM

Everyone's arguing. Gryke is holding his finger up. Sin barfs into her barf bag.

Booby stands in the doorway, taking in the scene. He's still smoking slightly and very angry. He's seen from the waist up so we can't see the dildo.

BOOBY
If I was a dog...

No one sees Booby. They still argue.

BOOBY
(continuing)
IF I WAS A DOG...

The rest of the Breedys slowly start to notice him. They stop arguing one by one until they're all quiet and paying attention. Booby takes a few steps inside.

BOOBY
(continuing)
If I was a dog and needed a place to stay, I would not ask for a bed of canopy and lace or demand that my every whim be attended. A nice, warm corner in the kitchen, a little food, a little water, a chew bone, that's all I'd need.
If I were a three-foot piece of feces, I would not require to be placed on the mantle in a shrine-like setting, to be admired and worshipped all the live-long day.

Marushka and Grog look at one another.

BOOBY
(continuing)
But I am not a dog! I am not a piece of feces! I am a human being! And as such, I expect to be given the respect that everyone else in this household receives!

He angrily waits for a response.

BOOBY
(continuing)
WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT???

The Breedys look on in stunned silence.

SIN
Boy, Booby sure has a big cock.

She barfs into her barf bag. STIFLED LAUGHTER from the Breedy kids.

MRS. BREEDY
Kids...

Booby looks down and sees the partially melted dildo. He flashes an angry look at his siblings. He tries to rip off the dildo, but is unsuccessful. His hand SIZZLES and he yanks it away in pain.

BOOBY
Agh!

STIFLED LAUGHTER from the Breedy kids.

MRS. BREEDY
Kids...
(to Gryke)
Gryke...

Gryke holds up one finger.

Booby flashes them an angry look and strikes a defiant pose.

BOOBY
Oh, yeah? Well...

He makes rude jerking motions with one hand at the end of his dildo, then whippingly points an angry finger at his siblings with the same hand.

BOOBY
(continuing) You!

He repeats the jerking and pointing motions.

BOOBY
(continuing)
You!

Everyone looks at Booby in stunned silence. Then Booby's siblings, and parents also, break into RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.

Booby is angrily taken aback. He rushes toward a big, plate glass window and CRASHES THROUGH in SLOW MOTION.

BOOBY
(continuing)
Aghhh!!!!!

CUT TO:

BREEDY GRID

Like opening shot, but Sin has a barf bag which she barfs into.

In Booby's square is a framed picture of a dead, bloody Booby in his sooty armour and dildo. Marushka, Flan and Sin, dressed seductively, surround him in suggestive poses. Marushka pulls on Booby's hair which keeps his head propped up and his eyes opened. The CAMERA MOVES IN to the words "BOOBY - AS WE REMEMBER HIM" at the bottom of the picture.

CUT TO:

THE HEALTH HABIT

INT. "THE HEALTH HABIT" SET - DAY

OLIVE BUFFER, host, and Dr. Lipton from "Genevieve Muncher, Detective," sit facing each other with a big video screen behind them.

OLIVE
Hello everybody and welcome to The Health Habit. I'm Olive Buffer and our guest this week is Dr. Lipton from the Dr. Lipton Institute of Sexual Perversity.
(to Dr. Lipton)
Welcome, Doctor.

DR. LIPTON
Thank you. My pleasure.

OLIVE
Dr. Lipton, the Institute of Sexual Perversity. Such a strange name. Comment.

DR. LIPTON
Strange, but accurate. The Institute treats and studies all forms of human sexual aberration. A fascinating and valuable field.

VIDEO SCREEN

The screen behind them turns on revealing the slightly grainy image of the "ROOM OF NO RETURN," a barren room with cement walls and floor. It has hot steam pipes along the ceiling and walls. There is no audio.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Doctor, what is this place?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Welcome to the "Room of No Return."

OLIVE
(O.S.)
What's that, dare I ask?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Well, sometimes, people venture into areas where the treatment arm of the Institute is no longer able to offer comfort or cure.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
The Room of No Return.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Precisely.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
And what's that thing moving around over there, Doctor?

A PATIENT clomps painfully across the room. He barely looks human. His misshapen, filth-ridden body is covered with sores and pustules.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
What. What thing?...Oh.
(chuckles)
That is one of our "guests." Yes. He, it, whatever, is about to do something that you and your viewers should find quite interesting. Observe.

The Patient hobbles to a steaming pipe, stands in front of it for a few moments, working up courage. He then leaps onto the pipe, clasping it tightly with his arms and legs and pressing his cheek against it. His body sizzles and smokes. He is in great pain, but does not scream.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Horrid, Doctor! Horrid!

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Turn your head if you'd like.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Oh, Doctor, what on earth is he doing?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
It's the pain. The pain of his past transgressions is so great that the sizzle and smoke of the hot pipes serves as a type of diversion from the agony he must otherwise endure.

The Patient can stand no more. He tears himself from the pipe and staggers away.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Oh, Doctor.

The door opens and TIMMY, an attendant, enters. A protective suit covers his entire body. He pushes a cart with a plastic bin on top filled with slop. He takes a bowl and begins tossing bowlfuls of slop onto the floor. Six PATIENTS rush over to the slop and begin licking it off the floor, off their hands or from the half-naked bodies of others as Timmy continues tossing.

OLIVE
(O.S.) (continuing)
Oh, and what's going on here, Doctor?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Feeding time!

OLIVE
(O.S.)
And what's that they're eating?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
It doesn't matter. As long as it's putrid, they'll eat it.

In the background, STRONGARM SUE, a patient, begins sneaking up on Timmy as he continues tossing the slop.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Doctor, what's that creature doing over there?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Which creature? Where?...Oh no.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Doctor, what is it?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Oh no! Oh no!
(to Timmy)
Good God, man! Look out behind you!

Strongarm Sue jumps on Timmy's back and starts choking him with her arm. Timmy staggers about wildly. He grabs the slop bin and it crashes to the floor. The feeding Patients scatter for cover. Timmy flails about the room, trying to shake off Sue, but she won't let go.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (to Olive, continuing)
Quick! Where's your phone?

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Over there!

Sound of RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, followed by telephone number being PUNCHED UP and phone RINGING through the phone speaker.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Come on, come on...

Timmy loses his strength and slowly sinks to the floor.

OLIVE
(O.S.) (excited whisper)
You're watching live coverage from the Dr. Lipton Institute of Sexual Perversity as "Strongarm Sue"...

Strongarm Sue begins dragging Timmy over to the pool of slop. The phone line CLICKS as CHUCK answers.

CHUCK
(O.S.) (slightly tinny)
Yeah-lo...

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Chuck! Chuck! Dr. Lipton. Red alert in the Slime Pit!...And by God, if it isn't TIMMY!

The sound of Dr. Lipton HANGING UP and WALKING quickly back to his chair.

Red lights are FLASHING in the Room of No Return. Timmy lies in the slop. Strongarm Sue is scooping slop into the bowl and pouring it over Timmy.

OLIVE
(O.S.) (excited whisper)
"Strongarm Sue", a patient in the "Room of No Return" has just overpowered "Timmy," a nutritionist, rendering him unconscious.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Come on, come on...

OLIVE
(O.S.) (excited whisper)
"Dr. Lipton," founder and guiding force at the Institute, has just called "Chuck" and told him, quote, "Red alert in the Slime Pit," unquote.

A DOCTOR with a big, manila envelope and two ORDERLIES burst into the room. They are dressed in the protective suits. The Doctor gets Strongarm Sue's attention. She drops the bowl and she and the Doctor slowly circle one another.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
That's it...Move her away... Careful, careful...

The Doctor slowly puts his hand into the envelope. Strongarm Sue lashes out at him with a swipe of her hand, ripping his suit. They circle each other some more. One of the orderlies is sneaking up behind her. Just as he's about to grab her, she turns around and clubs him with her forearm, sending him flying.

While she's distracted, the other orderly rushes in and starts dragging Timmy away. Strongarm Sue is about to club this orderly as well when the Doctor rushes in, pulls an 8 X 10 glossy out of the manila envelope and holds it to Sue's face. She recoils in horror. The Doctor backs her away from Timmy using the glossy like a crucifix to a vampire.

The two orderlies lift up Timmy, place him on the slop cart and wheel him out.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Doctor, what is it?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
You'll see in a second.

The Doctor continues to back up Sue with the glossy. They cross in front of the CAMERA revealing a photo of a pretty, smiling, fresh-faced girl.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Oh Doctor, no.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Oh yes.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
That fresh-faced young waif?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
That fresh-face young waif and that misshapen gargoyle you see before you are one and the same.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
But how? Why? What did this Susan person do to end up like this?

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.)
Susan? Oh. Well. Her story is not untypical. Young girl growing up in East Whatchamacallit in the state of your choice.

CUT TO:

FRONT PORCH

The Susan from the photo eating Pop Tarts with young ANDY.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (continuing)
Can't quite see herself spending the rest of her life eating Pop Tarts on the front porch with little Andy from down the lane.

Andy says something. Susan smiles weakly.

INT. BUS

Susan looking dreamily out the window with her chin on her hand. She wears white kid gloves and a straw hat with a daisy sticking out of the top.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (continuing)
Hops on the next bus to the big city for a taste of life in the fast lane.

INT. BUS STATION

Susan, fresh off the bus, is suddenly pulled along by a group of CITY SLICKERS.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (continuing)
Falls in with the wrong crowd...

DANCE FLOOR

Susan, dressed sexy, dancing and laughing with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (continuing)
Starts doing things she would never have even dreamed of back home. Finds maybe she likes it a little more than she oughtta.

Susan, still dancing, kisses a GUY.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (continuing)
Does a little more.

Susan, still dancing, turns and kisses ANOTHER GUY. Someone passes her a bottle of champagne and she takes a big drink.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (continuing)
Then a little more...

Susan is now dancing with THREE GUYS simultaneously. She pours a handful of pills into her hand, pops them in her mouth and takes a slug from the champagne bottle.

A GUY walks by. Susan reaches into his pocket and deftly snatches his wallet.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (continuing)
Until it's too late.

CUT TO:

ROOM OF NO RETURN

Susan in her present state, furiously thrashing about on the floor.

DR. LIPTON
(O.S.) (continuing)
And that's where we step in.

CAMERA MOVES IN on Susan's anguished, furious face. The video screen blanks out.

OLIVE
(O.S.)
Oh. Arnie? Wilma? What's the... Oh.

CUT TO:

"THE HEALTH HABIT" SET

OLIVE
(to CAMERA, continuing)
Well, we're just about out of time, so we say good-bye to the
Room of No Return and its inhabitants.
(to Dr. Lipton)
And Dr. Lipton. Thank you so much for sharing your unique
perspective on a problem that could someday affect us all and
about which we should all be aware.

DR. LIPTON
(anguished)
You know...Olive...you work at your job for years. You think you've seen it all. Felt it all. But sometimes you just, just...

Olive leans forward and taps him on the knee.

OLIVE
Try not to think about it.

CUT TO:

BLANK SCREEN

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(V.O.)
This is PVTV. Your Pornovision station.

CUT TO:

SPORTICUS

"WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS"-TYPE MUSIC

FOUR PEOPLE sit on top of each other's shoulders. They slowly inch their way towards a SIMILAR TEAM. They both make menacing sounds and gestures.

ANNOUNCER
(V.O.)
Sports. The essence of humanity.

A MAN and WOMAN are locked in a fierce arm wrestling contest. Suddenly, the man's hand snaps off, his forearm hitting the table as the woman hits her side of the table with the disembodied hand.

ANNOUNCER
(V.O.) (continuing)
The joy of winning.

They are both in shock until the Woman realizes she has won. She starts jumping for joy and tosses the hand into the cheering CROWD. The Man looks dazedly at his bloody stump of a forearm.

BOWLING ALLEY

A BOWLER concentrates. He makes his approach, but his backswing is too great. It lifts him off the ground and he falls flat on his back.

ANNOUNCER
(V.O.) (continuing)
And the heartbreak of failure.

The bowling ball flies up and falls back down, landing on the Bowler's face and squashing into it like a melon. Blood and brains splatter about. The fingerholes (sic) of the bowling ball are facing outwards so they look like a person's eyes and mouth.

ANNOUNCER
(V.O.) (continuing)
This is PVTV's "Sporticus."

TITLE: SPORTICUS (superimposed when announcer says "Sporticus.")

The fingerholes of the bowling ball are suddenly transformed into Claymation-type eyes and mouth. The eyes spin around, counter clock-wise and clock-wise, respectively. The mouth begins to WHISTLE the "Sporticus" theme song.

CUT TO:

INT. BROADCAST BOOTH

FRANK PLUMS broadcasts the event.

FRANK
Hello everybody, Frank Plums here, welcoming you to the International Powerlifting Championships. Let's go down to the floor to Kylie Carlson. Kylie?

FLOOR OF ARENA

KYLIE CARLSON with a microphone. Activity all around. The stage behind her.

KYLIE
Oh, Frank, it's pandemonium down here! All the top powerlifters are here. Charles Fitly is expected to challenge the Mighty Pulsifer's record and...

ARENA ANNOUNCER
(amplified O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention. Leading off the competition, Williiiieee Pomp-ano-o-o-o!

STAGE

The crowd CHEERS.

WILLIE POMPANO strides on stage. He is bereft of clothing except for a G-string and strips of cloth that hang over his genitals and backside.

A giant video screen is behind the stage. At the center of the stage is a black barbell with big iron balls on each end. Leather straps and metal clamps are attached to the center of the barbell.

Near the barbell stand an older male JUDGE dressed in a tuxedo and a female STRAPPER dressed in a T-shirt, shorts and sneakers.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Oh, it looks like they're about to begin.

Willie squats over the barbell, the Strapper kneels down, takes the leather straps and reaches underneath the powerlifting cloth to clamp Willie's testicles to the barbell. The Judge kneels down and observes.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Kylie, how would you explain powerlifting to someone joining us for the first time.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Well, Frank, powerlifting involves the lifting of weights through the use of the testicles. The woman reaching underneath Willie's powerlifting cloth is called a "Strapper." She straps, or clamps, the powerlifter to the barbell. The man in the tuxedo is a judge from the International Powerlifting Federation. He ensures that nothing untoward is going on beneath the powerlifting cloth.

Willie is strapped in. The Strapper and Judge exit. Willie concentrates, taking deep breaths.

FRANK
(O.S.)
And how much is Willie going for, Kylie?

KYLIE
(O.S.)
300 pounds.

Willie begins his upward thrust, attempting, with great effort, to straighten up. There's a CLOSE-UP of him on the video screen behind the stage.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Thanks, Kylie. Willie Pompano! Leading off the competition at 300 pounds! He's up, he's up...

Willie begins snorting ferociously. He gulps at the air, left and right, eyes bulging, nostrils flaring.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
He's snorting, snorting. And he's. . .

Willie straightens, triumphantly arches his body, throws his head back and raises his hands above his head in a Winged Victory pose.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
G-o-o-o-o-d!

STANDS

The crowd CHEERS.

STAGE

The Strapper rushes to Willie and unstraps the barbell which falls to the floor. The Judge is right behind her and observes.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
Willie Pompano leads off at 300 pounds and the crowd loves it! Kylie?

FLOOR

KYLIE
It's pandemonium down here, Frank! The crowd is going wild!

STANDS

The crowd CHEERS.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Kylie, why don't you explain the significance of Willie's snortings.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Ah, yes, Willie's snortings. Well, it's not just Willie's snortings. It's everybody's snortings. The "Pulsifer Snort."

CUT TO:

VIDEO SCREEN

Color 1920's photo of the MIGHTY PULSIFER. He has a big handlebar moustache and slicked down hair. He wears a powerlifting cloth and an old-fashioned red and black stripped (sic) bathing suit that covers most of his body.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
The legendary "Mighty Pulsifer"...

Photo of the Mighty Pulsifer being strapped to a huge barbell. The STRAPPER and JUDGE are also attired in 1920's versions of their present day clothes.

FRANK
(O.S.)
The Mighty Pulsifer, himself.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Yes, indeed, Frank, who in 1923 revolutionized the sport of powerlifting . . .

SERIES OF PHOTOS showing the Mighty Pulsifer's face in various stages of snorting.

KYLIE
(O.S.) ( continuing)
With the introduction of the Pulsifer Snort.

Photo of a monacled GENTLEMAN with a walking stick. He wears a top hat and a tuxedo top over his black and red
suit and powerlifting cloth. He is over a fairly small barbell. A prettily dressed STRAPPER straps him in with one hand. She holds a parasol in the other. A JUDGE, in tuxedo, observes through opera glasses.

KYLIE
(O.S.) ( continuing)
Heretofore, a sport of country gentlemen. . .

Photo of the Mighty Pulsifer in mid-stride looking disapprovingly at the standing Gentleman's tiny barbell. He holds up one hand as if to say "No more!" The Gentleman looks dumbfounded at the Mighty Pulsifer, the Judge looks at him through his opera glasses and the Strapper looks at him coquettishly .

KYLIE
(O.S.) ( continuing)
All changed quickly when the Mighty Pulsifer strode onto the scene.

Photo of the Mighty Pulsifer calmly squatting over a big barbell.

KYLIE
(O.S.) ( continuing)
And with each lift...

Photo of the Mighty Pulsifer in the middle of a lift, doing the Pulsifer Snort.

KYLIE
(O.S.) ( continuing)
And with each refinement of the new Pulsifer Snort technique...

SERIES OF PHOTOS of the Mighty Pulsifer calmly standing, arms folded across his chest, with succeedingly bigger barbells.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
The size of the Mighty One's barbells grew, until...

Photo of an innocently smiling, shrugging Mighty Pulsifer, his hands pointing outwards, palms upwards. He has a grossly huge barbell hanging from his testicles.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
In 1927, the Mighty Pulsifer stunned the world of powerlifting with a staggering, unbelievable lift of 1,387 pounds.

CUT TO:

STAGE

Willie Pompano struts around, enjoying the moment as the crowd continues to CHEER.

FRANK
(O.S.)
And that record stands to this day, isn't that right?

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Yes, indeed.

STANDS

The crowd CHANTING.

CROWD
Wil-LIE! Wil-LIE! Wil-LIE! Wil-LIE!

KYLIE
(O.S.)
But that may all change later today when Charles Fitly makes his long anticipated challenge of the record.

FRANK
(O.S.)
But more on Charles later. Let's watch now as the Man of the Moment exits to the cheers of the adoring crowd. Williiiieee Pomp-ano-o-o-o!

STAGE

Willie snaps into his Winged Victory pose.

STANDS

The crowd goes wild.

STAGE

Willie exits, waving to the crowd.

ARENA ANNOUNCER
(amplified O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen. Next, lifting for your viewing pleasure, Wally Lintel!

STANDS

The crowd BOOS.

STAGE

WALLY LINTEL enters, scowling and angrily gesturing at the crowd.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Wally Lintel, Bad Boy of Powerlifting. The fans sure don't like him.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Frank, there's been a hate/hate relationship between Wally and the fans ever since he burst onto the scene.

Wally walks passed the barbell, hurling insults at the Judge and Strapper. He goes to a long table of OFFICIALS seated on the sidelines and begins arguing with them.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Kylie, what's going on down there?

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Well, Frank, from what I understand, Wally, himself, wants to challenge the Mighty Pulsifer's record.

FRANK
(O.S.)
What's wrong with that?

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Well, nothing in itself, but the Officials say that Wally must first lift the barbell he originally laid claim to. International Powerlifting Federation rules.

FRANK
(O.S.)
And Wally won't go for it.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Well, you know Wally.

Wally gets into a nose-to-nose shouting match with one of the Officials.

FRANK
(O.S.)
What hubris! What ego! What...

KYLIE
(O.S.)
What a bad boy...

Suddenly, Wally hits the Official. Security guards rush out and escort the still raging Wally off the stage.

STANDS

The crowd continues BOOING. They start throwing things at Wally.

STAGE

Wally, inundated with projectiles, screams profanities at the crowd as he exits with the guards.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
Oh my.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Well, so much for Wally Lintel, Bad Boy of Powerlifting.

VIDEO SCREEN

SLOW MOTION replay of Wally hitting the Official.

STAGE

Two ORDERLIES place the unconscious Official on a stretcher and carry him off the stage. MAINTENANCE PEOPLE begin cleaning up the debris thrown by the crowd.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
Kylie, since we have a break in the action, why don't you show that footage you shot of the powerlifters, the good, decent powerlifters, frolicking with the locals.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
I certainly will, Frank.

CUT TO:

VIDEO SCREEN

Banner over a street reads "WELCOME POWERLIFTERS."

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
Beautiful Zazuville. Picturesque little village nestled in the foothills of the Adirondacks, plays host this week to the International Powerlifting Championships.

BUS

POWERLIFTERS, dressed in sweatsuits (sic) with medals dangling from their necks, descend from a bus with their suitcases and wave to the CAMERA.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
After settling in, the athletes were able to enjoy many of the activities that Zazuville has to offer.

STREET

EIGHT POWERLIFTERS in their sweats and medals are unicycling side by side with their hands on each others shoulders.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
Like unicycling.

When the Powerlifters reach town, they break apart and start chasing villagers on their unicycles, up and down the streets, in and out of stores, etc.

DANCE CLUB

Powerlifters in their sweatsuits and medals, looking very self-satisfied, are dancing.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
And dancing. Dancing the night away.

CANDY SHOP

Powerlifters in their sweats and medals surround the owner SUZY SWEET who is wearing a chef's hat. She mixes a bowl of fudge and explains how it's made. The Powerlifters nod appreciatively, some take notes.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
And visiting the local candy shop "Everything Nice" where owner Suzy Sweet is showing the athletes how to make one of her world famous specialties.

The Powerlifters stand behind Suzy as if posing for a picture. They all reach out stiffly to pat her on the back and shoulders.

KYLIE
(O.S.) (continuing)
As the athletes say good-bye to their new friend, so do we all to owner Suzy Sweet of "Everything Nice" where, you know? everything is nice!

One Powerlifter pats Suzy on top of her hat causing it to slide down over her head. Suzy waves to the CAMERA.

CUT TO:

STAGE

ARENA ANNOUNCER
(amplified O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, next up, Scott Bianoral!

The crowd CHEERS. Young, adorable SCOTT BIANORAL strides on stage.

STANDS

Kylie interviews young, FEMALE MEMBERS of the SCOTT BIANORAL FAN CLUB.

KYLIE
Frank, speaking of everything nice, I'm here with members of the Scott Bianoral Fan Club!

Members CHEER.

KYLIE
(continuing)
I understand you have a kind of cheer you do when Scott is about to lift.

LEADER
We sure do!

Members CHEER.

KYLIE
And why do you do this?

LEADER
Because it inspires him!

Members CHEER.

KYLIE
Could you give us a sample?

LEADER
Sure!
(to members)
Ok, Ok. One, two, three, go. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp.

Members STOMP THEIR FEET in unison every time she says "stomp." They continue the stomping throughout the chant.

FAN CLUB
b-I! b-I! b-i-a-n. o-R! o-R! o-r-a-l.

They make body gestures in rhythm with each of the following pairs of capitalized letters.

FAN CLUB
(continuing)
B-I! A-N! O-R! A-L! B-I! A-N! O-R! A-L!
(subdued)
b-i . . .

Six timekeeping FOOT STOMPS followed by two quick HAND CLAPS, the second one louder than the first.

FAN CLUB
(continuing)
b-i. . .

Six STOMPS, two CLAPS.

FAN CLUB
(continuing)
b-i ...

Six STOMPS. Members CHEER.

KYLIE
(to CAMERA)
The Scott Bianoral Fan Club!

Members CHEER.

KYLIE
(continuing)
Back to you, Frank.
(to Fan Club)
Thanks, girls.

Members CHEER.

STAGE

Scott is being strapped in.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Well, let's hope young Scott's fan club can inspire him.
At 350 pounds, this would be a personal best for Scotty as well as give him the lead over current leader, Willie Pompano.

Scott is strapped in. The Judge and Strapper exit. He concentrates, takes a few deep breaths, then begins his lift.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
And he's off!

SCOTT
Arghhhh!!!!

The Fan Club starts their STOMPING. Their CHEER proceeds inexorably, overlapping all intervening dialogue.

LEADER
(O.S.)
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp.

FAN CLUB
(O.S.)
b-I! b-I! b-i-a-n...

Scott straining slowly upward.

FRANK
(O.S.)
He's up! He's up!

FAN CLUB
(O.S.)
o-R! O-R! o-r-a-l...

SCOTT
Arghhhh! ! ! !

FAN CLUB
(O.S.)
B-I! A-N! O-R! A-L!

SCOTT
Arghhhh! ! ! !

FAN CLUB
(O.S.)
B-I! A-N! O-R! A-L!

Scott continues inching further upward, his head thrown back, his arms pointing straight down, fists clenched, every muscle taut and straining.

FAN CLUB
(O.S.) (continuing)
b-i . . .

Six STOMPS, two CLAPS.

FRANK
(O.S.)
He's up! He's up!

FAN CLUB
(O.S.)
b-i . . .

Six STOMPS.

FRANK
(O.S.)
He's...

Scott stops moving upward. He strains mightily to move up that last fraction of an inch.

Suddenly, he has an enormous double hernia. TWIN EXPLOSIONS forcefully burst out from his groin in a top-down V-pattern. Scott pauses, frozen in his pose, then falls backwards like a statue, the barbell still attached to his testicles.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
Uh oh, looks like trouble.

Two ORDERLIES rush out with a stretcher. They place Scott, with his barbell still attached, on top of the stretcher and rush him off stage.

VIDEO SCREEN

The explosion is re-played in SLOW MOTION.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
What did it look like from where you are, Kylie?

STANDS

KYLIE
Well, Frank, it looked like young Scott just didn't have the, uh, experience.

The Fan Club starts stomping, though not as energetically. Their chanting is also more subdued.

LEADER
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp.

FAN CLUB
b-I. b-I...

The Fan Club rises.

FAN CLUB
(continuing)
b-i-a-n...

They begin filing out.

FAN CLUB
(continuing)
o-R. o-R. o-r-a-l.

They gesture with the following pairs of capitalized letters.

FAN CLUB
(continuing)
B-I. A-N. O-R. A-L. B-I. A-N. O-R. A-L. b-i...

Six STOMPS, two CLAPS.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Well, at least Scotty won't be alone.

FAN CLUB
b-i . . .

The Fan Club STOMPS and CLAPS get fainter as they exit.

STAGE

KYLIE
(O.S.)
That's for sure.

CHARLES FITLY strides out. The crowd starts CHEERING.

ARENA ANNOUNCER
(amplified O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention. Lifting next, in all his glory, Charles Fitley!

STANDS

The crowd goes wild.

STAGE

Charles stands haughtily with his arms folded across his chest, acknowledging the adulation by gazing out over the crowd.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Frank, the moment we've all been waiting for. This could be the day when the Mighty Pulsifer's legendary lift of 1,387 pounds will be surpassed.

FRANK
(O.S.)
And Charles doesn't use the Pulsifer Snort either.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
That's right. He says snorting in public is rude and sets a bad example for our children. He doesn't snort, grunt, grimace or scream. He just lifts.

FRANK
(O.S.)
And he'll start at 600 pounds. Double the weight of his nearest competitor.

Charles is strapped in. The Strapper and Judge exit. Charles squats over the barbell, arms folded across his chest, calmly perusing the crowd to make sure everyone is watching. He then straightens with one quick motion as if the barbell weren't (sic) even there.

The crowd CHEERS WILDLY. Charles calmly studies them, making sure they appreciate the magnificence of his feat.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
Charles Fitly! Before you can say he's up and he's good, he's up and he's magnificent!

Two DRAGGERS hook straps to the barbell and drag it off stage. Four DRAGGERS drag a grossly huge barbell in front of Charles and exit.

The crowd stops cheering and begins to BUZZ. Charles calmly squats down over the barbell as the Strapper straps him in and the Judge observes.

FRANK
(O.S.) (hushed tone, continuing)
Is that it?

KYLIE (O.S.) (hushed tone)
Yes. The barbell used by the Mighty Pulsifer, himself, to establish the record.

A tiny one-pound barbell is affixed to the top of each iron ball.
.
KYLIE
(O.S.) (hushed tone, continuing)
Plus two more pounds.

The Strapper and Judge exit. Charles stares straight ahead, waiting for complete silence. The last few whispers die down. Charles peruses the crowd, arms folded across his chest, then quickly straightens. No problem.

STANDS

The crowd is going wild! A WOMAN swoons. Her HUSBAND grins sheepishly and shrugs his shoulders at his neighbors. He pats his wife's hand, gently exhorting her to awaken.

STAGE

Charles surveys the crowd with the same calm, satisfied air. The Strapper has already unstrapped him.

FRANK
(O.S.)
Like the gods on Mt. Olympus, like the astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility, like the Mighty Pulsifer, himself, Charles Fitly stands alone.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
And he did it without snorting.

FRANK
(O.S.)
That's right. Not a snort, not a groan, not a grimace. Not a bead of sweat, not a hair out of place, his powerlifting cloth nicely pressed. He's just amazing.

Charles points off stage. The Judge looks a little confused.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
But wait, something's happening.

Charles again points off stage. The Judge shakes his head forebiddingly. Charles points again. The Judge consults with the Officials. He then returns and snaps his fingers. A DRAGGER appears. The Judge points to where Charles was indicating. The Dragger exits.

KYLIE
(O.S.)
Frank, you are not going to believe this, but Charles Fitly wants...the Titanic.

A fog-filled glass case sits on the side of the stage. A Dragger ceremoniously swings a sledge hammer into the case. When the glass shatters, a FOG HORN SOUNDS mournfully followed by a BELL CLANGING three times.

The arena is black except where DRAMATIC LIGHTING highlights figures and the atmospheric fog. A wind-whipped rain begins to fall with THUNDER and LIGHTNING flashing overhead.

STANDS

The crowd cowers in their seats.

STAGE

The TITANIC is a huge, grossly misshapen barbell of twisted, ancient iron. Barnacles and seaweed cover its wet, slimy surface. Ten DRAGGERS strain mightily to drag it over to Charles. Individual Draggers keep getting EXPLODING HERNIAS and have to be replaced.

FRANK
(O.S.)
The Titanic. Strange barbell from the ocean deep. Fashioned in 1932 from, some say, the actual anchor of the ill-starred ocean liner. The only barbell that the Mighty Pulsifer, himself, could not master. The barbell that cut short his brilliant career and raised his name to that of legend and tragedy. Is it any wonder that the stench of fear fills the arena like a thousand rotting corpses.

The Draggers deliver the Titanic to Charles' feet and scurry off, except for one who collapses to the floor in exhaustion.

Charles calmly peruses the barbell, arms folded across his chest. He positions himself over the barbell and squats down, waiting to be strapped in. But the Strapper can't bring herself to the task and runs off in tears.

Charles calmly looks after her, then begins to strap himself in. The Judge is debating with himself whether to remain and decides against it. He grabs the fallen Dragger and exits.

Charles has completed the strapping. He calmly peruses the crowd, arms folded across his chest, making sure that all eyes are on him alone.

STANDS

The cowering crowd watches in stunned silence as the wind-whipped rain falls upon them.

STAGE

Charles is ready. He stares ahead in deepest concentration. He lowers his arms to his sides, hands open as if in supplication, then his hands slowly close into fists as he lowers his head.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
And the contest begins...

Suddenly, all Charles' muscles contract and he begins the lift. As he slowly rises, his clenched fists and forearms also rise.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
Is it possible? Can it be? Can Charles Fitly raise such a weight as this? Such a Titanic weight as this?

Charles slowly rises. Suddenly, his body begins to tremble. It seems that he can rise no longer. He strains mightily, but to no avail.

Suddenly, his nostrils begin to flare, his eyes to bulge. Then he snorts. Then again. Then a third time. He must rise. He will succeed at any cost! He snorts with all his might, gulping at the air, trying for that one extra ounce of strength that will allow him to succeed. But he does not rise.

Suddenly, the arena, itself, begins to tremble. THUNDER and LIGHTNING crash overhead.

STANDS

The crowd is in a state of madness. People are fighting, praying, crying, laughing hysterically, singing opera and engaging in wanton acts of sexuality.

STAGE

Suddenly, the stage around Charles begins to crack. A jagged area, about 4' X 8', breaks free and Charles and the Titanic slowly begin to sink into the water-filled abyss. But Charles does not relent. He continues to strain and snort as he slowly descends.

FRANK
(O.S.) (continuing)
And so it ends. The Titanic, strange barbell from another world, returns from whence it came, taking with it a worthy victim for the years of captivity endured.

When the top of his head is enveloped by the water, the FOG HORN SOUNDS followed by three CLANGS from the bell. As the bell tolls, the rain stops, the sky clears, the broken section of the stage rises and heals over and all is right with the arena.

ARENA ANNOUNCER
(amplified O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, may I please have your attention... And the winner by default of the International Powerlifting Championships is...Williiiieee Pomp-ano-o-o-o!

STANDS

The crowd CHEERS.

STAGE

Willie enters and struts around the stage, revelling in the adulation of the crowd.

STANDS

The crowd starts CHANTING.

CROWD
Wil-LIE! Wil-LIE! Wil-LIE! Wil-LIE!

STAGE

Willie snaps into his Winged Victory pose and the crowd goes wild.



NOTES

!) The 1995 version of Pornovision was written from memory
   from a version originally completed in 1987 and which
   has apparently been lost.

2) If there are any intellectual property issues,
    possible adjustments can be made.



pornovision (1995) registered with the writers guild east in 1995 and renewed in 2005 by eric nakao. pornovision (1987) registered with the writers guild in los angeles in 1987 by eric nakao, but the registration expired without renewal. brady bunch theme song by sherwood schwartz and frank de vol. night and day by cole porter.


posted: january 5, 2005
web page update: july 28, 2005

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