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site map 2005 revision PORNOVISION By Eric Nakao BLANK SCREEN FEMALE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) This is PVTV. Your Pornovision station. CUT TO: GENEVIEVE MUNCHER, DETECTIVE INT. LIBRARY - DAY TITLE: GENEVIEVE MUNCHER, DETECTIVE (Split-level. On the first floor is the check-out counter. On the second floor are tables from which the check-out counter is visible. MISS DANIELS sits behind the counter. MR. SNICKER, her supervisor, enters. He hovers over her. She tries to look undisturbed.) MR. SNICKER Miss Daniels? MISS DANIELS Mr. Snicker? MR. SNICKER Your first day at the new position. MISS DANIELS Yes, sir. MR. SNICKER Beginning to feel the pressure? MISS DANIELS Sir? MR. SNICKER Y'know, Charles would be ideal for this job, don't you agree? MISS DANIELS Yes, sir. I mean no, sir. I mean, I've been shelving books down in the stacks for seven years . . . (Mr. Snicker SIGHS.) MISS DANIELS (continuing) Seven long years . . . MR. SNICKER Yes, yes. MISS DANIELS And without a pay raise. MR. SNICKER But Charles is due. MISS DANIELS Well so am I, sir. And if you don't mind my saying, I'm overdue. MR. SNICKER I see. Well, carry on, Miss Daniels. But remember, Mr. Snicker is watching you. MISS DANIELS Yes, sir. (Mr. Snicker exits. A MAN approaches the counter and Miss Daniels cheerfully checks out his book.) CUT TO: SECOND FLOOR (VICTOR DU SHAY sits at a table overlooking Miss Daniels. He has a book in front of his face which he slowly lowers. He looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then raises the book again.) CUT TO: CHECK-OUT COUNTER (Miss Daniels checks out a big stack of books for a middle-aged WOMAN. Suddenly, Miss Daniels begins breathing heavily. She continues checking out the books, head down, but her breaths are becoming shorter, quicker, and more forceful. The rhythm of her book checking matches her breathing. She finishes the last book and shoves the stack at the woman.) MISS DANIELS (gasping) Thank you! Come again! SERIES OF SHOTS (LIBRARY PATRONS reacting to Miss Daniels' outburst.) WOMAN (startled) Yes, I certainly will. Thank you. (The Woman quickly gathers up her books and exits. Miss Daniels, recovering, glances around warily. Suddenly, her heavy breathing begins again.) MISS DANIELS Oh, no. (She squirms uneasily in her seat, trying to suppress her mounting passion.) MISS DANIELS (continuing) Oh, please, please. Mr. Snicker is watching. I can't. I . . . (She has an enormous orgasm. Her SEXUAL RELEASES echo throughout the library.) SERIES OF SHOTS (Library patrons reacting. The last shot of a male GRADUATE STUDENT indignantly slamming his book shut.) CUT TO: (MISS DANIELS' LEG sprawled over her chair. Mr. Snicker stands over her, arms folded across his chest. He is seen from the neck down.) MR. SNICKER Miss Daniels? MISS DANIELS Mr. Snicker? MR. SNICKER You're fired. MISS DANIELS Thank you, sir. (She slides her leg off the chair and begins crawling out on her hands and knees.) MR. SNICKER And Miss Daniels. (She stops.) MISS DANIELS Yes, Mr. Snicker? MR. SNICKER You'll be sure to turn in your library card on the way out, won't you? MISS DANIELS Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. (She continues crawling. Mr. Snicker exits buoyantly.) MR. SNICKER (to unseen Charles) Oh, Charles! Charles! You'll never guess what just happened! CUT TO: SECOND FLOOR (Du Shay lowers the book from in front of his face, looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then raises the book again.) CUT TO: INT. OUTER OFFICE - DAY (YOUNG RANDALL sits at a desk, typing on a computer. GENEVIEVE MUNCHER sits in a nearby chair. She is wearing a trench coat and sneakers. Young Randall stops typing. He tries to discretely get Genevieve's attention, though without looking at her.) YOUNG RANDALL (whisper) Genevieve. (Genevieve ignores him, good naturedly. Young Randall types some more, then stops and tries again.) YOUNG RANDALL (whisper, continuing) Genevieve. (Genevieve looks at the ceiling.) YOUNG RANDALL (whisper, continuing) Did you get my letter? (No answer.) YOUNG RANDALL (whisper, continuing) Genevieve, did you get my letter? (Genevieve shrugs.) GENEVIEVE Yeah, I got it. (Young Randall waits for a few tense moments.) YOUNG RANDALL (whisper) Well???? (Genevieve starts to laugh, though tries to hold it in.) YOUNG RANDALL (whisper, continuing) I meant every word of it, too. You know, I'm taking criminology courses at night school . . . I'll be just like you then. (The telephone RINGS.) YOUNG RANDALL (whisper, continuing) Excuse me. (He answers the phone.) YOUNG RANDALL (normal voice, continuing) Yes, Inspector. I'll send her right in. (to Genevieve) The Inspector will see you now, Ms. Muncher. (Young Randall resumes his typing. He sniffles and wipes a tear away. Genevieve puts a comforting hand on his shoulder as she passes on her way to the Inspector's office. Young Randall looks hopefully after her.) YOUNG RANDALL (whisper, continuing) I'll send you another letter, darling . . . And a package! CUT TO: INT. INSPECTOR'S OFFICE (The INSPECTOR sits at a desk. Genevieve approaches.) INSPECTOR Why do you do that to him, Muncher? GENEVIEVE Me! He's the one! INSPECTOR The one your heart desires? GENEVIEVE Did you want something, Inspector? INSPECTOR Yes. We have something new. Something strange. (He tosses a file on his desk. Genevieve picks it up and leafs through it. She looks at a picture of Victor Du Shay.) INSPECTOR (continuing) Victor Du Shay, visual orgasmatist. GENEVIEVE Hm. INSPECTOR He can elicit orgasms in people merely through the power of visual observation. (Genevieve shrugs.) GENEVIEVE And? INSPECTOR Muncher. Du Shay has been plying his unique talent on unwilling participants in public areas. GENEVIEVE Ah. A pervert. (She snaps the file shut.) GENEVIEVE (continuing) I'm on it. (She begins to exit.) INSPECTOR And Muncher . . . (Genevieve stops.) GENEVIEVE Yes, Inspector? (The Inspector looks at Genevieve with deadly seriousness.) INSPECTOR Du Shay is a master of disguise. (A look of amusement slowly fills Genevieve's face.) CUT TO: INT. HOUSE OF POODLES - DAY (Miss Daniels, from the library, busies herself at her station at The House of Poodles, a beauty salon. She wears a pink shirt with a cartoon head of a smiling poodle on the left front. MISS CHEESISH, her supervisor, enters. She hovers over Miss Daniels for a few uncomfortable moments. Miss Daniels tries to look undisturbed.) MISS CHEESISH This must be a proud day for you and your people. (Miss Daniels, who is the same race as Miss Cheesish, doesn't get it.) MISS DANIELS Yes, ma'am. MISS CHEESISH To be promoted to the prestigious position of apprentice pedicurist in the short time you've been here. This must be a proud day indeed. MISS DANIELS But I worked hard at my last position . . . (Miss Cheesish SIGHS.) MISS DANIELS (continuing) And those metal drums filled with cleaning fluid were so heavy . . . MISS CHEESISH Yes, yes. But those metal drums must have come in handy when you "assumed the position" for Mr. Poodles in the storage room last week. (The innocent Miss Daniels begins to protest.) MISS CHEESISH (continuing) Quiet. Here comes a customer. MISS DANIELS But . . . MISS CHEESISH I said quiet. Quiet, you little mongrel. We'll continue this later. (She stomps on Miss Daniels' foot who GASPS with pain. Miss Cheesish clamps one of Miss Daniels' hands over her mouth and then the other, then twirls Miss Daniels around, shoves her off screen and waits for the approaching customer. Miss Daniels soon re-enters, hobbling and biting down on a towel. She taps Miss Cheesish on the shoulder, then points to the towel and makes "LOOK AT THIS" NOISES. Miss Cheesish yanks the towel out, making Miss Daniels' teeth come together with a CLICK. She again stomps on Miss Daniels' foot who GASPS. Miss Cheesish repeats her clamping, twirling and shoving motions, then hurls the towel after Miss Daniels. MRS. GRAVYFACE, a middle-aged matron, enters.) MISS CHEESISH Mrs. Gravyface. Long time, no see. How are you? MRS. GRAVYFACE Miss Cheesish. Long time, no see you. MISS CHEESISH Oh, Mrs. Gravyface. MISS GRAVYFACE Oh, Miss Cheesish. (They embrace for a few moments, then break, a little embarrassed.) MISS CHEESISH So, Mrs. Gravyface, what brings you to The House of Poodles after all this time? (Miss Daniels wanders in, nonchalantly twirling the towel around. Miss Cheesish gives her a hard look. Miss Daniels puts the towel in her mouth.) MRS. GRAVYFACE Well, Miss Cheesish, my toenails have been looking awfully ragged lately, so I thought I'd come to my good friends at The House of Poodles for a pedicure. (Miss Daniels' face lights up at the word "pedicure." She whips the towel out of her mouth and begins to pester Miss Cheesish for the assignment, but is ignored.) MISS CHEESISH A pedicure. Well, Mrs. Gravyface, you've certainly come to the right place. (She shoves Miss Daniels aside.) MISS CHEESISH (continuing) Why don't you have a seat and I'll send one of our girls right over. MRS. GRAVYFACE But what about this girl, Miss Cheesish? (Mrs. Gravyface indicates the downcast Miss Daniels who sits in one of the nearby chairs. Realizing she's being referred to, Miss Daniels brightens up and begins pestering Miss Cheesish again, but is still ignored as Miss Cheesish gazes past her into the distance.) MISS CHEESISH Girl? What girl? MRS. GRAVYFACE Why the girl right in front of you, Miss Cheesish! (Miss Daniels is pleading right up in Miss Cheesish's face. Miss Cheesish does a slow burn.) MRS. GRAVYFACE (continuing) Oh look, Miss Cheesish. She's begging you to give her the opportunity. MISS CHEESISH I'm sorry, Mrs. Gravyface. I just don't . . . MRS. GRAVYFACE Oh, come now, Miss Cheesish! Must I take my business elsewhere? (Miss Daniels folds her arms across her chest.) MISS CHEESISH Oh, that girl. (Miss Daniels opens her arms wide. Ta da!) MISS CHEESISH (continuing) Oh, you don't want her, Mrs. Gravyface. Why, she's new here. There's no telling what she'd do to you. MRS. GRAVYFACE She looks perfectly harmless to me. (to Miss Daniels) Isn't that right, dear? (Miss Daniels nods sincerely. Miss Cheesish gives her a withering look. Miss Daniels tones it down a bit.) MISS CHEESISH Well, it's against my better judgment, Mrs. Gravyface. But if you want the girl, she's yours. (Miss Daniels jumps for joy and beings readying her station.) MRS. GRAVYFACE Splendid. CUT TO: A LITTLE LATER (Mrs. Gravyface sits in a pedicure chair. A sheet covers her. Miss Daniels is at her feet. She is about to begin, but notices that Mrs. Gravyface is wearing nylon stockings.) MRS. GRAVYFACE What's the matter, dear? (Mrs. Gravyface notices the nylons.) MRS. GRAVYFACE (continuing) Oh, silly me. Come to get a pedicure wearing hose. MISS DANIELS There's a room in back where you can take them off. MRS. GRAVYFACE Oh, but this chair's so comfy. I'm sure a clever girl like you can figure something out. MISS DANIELS Well . . . (Miss Daniels takes a pair of pedicure scissors, pulls up the stocking by the toe and begins cutting.) MRS. GRAVYFACE What are you doing down there? (She notices the cutting.) MRS. GRAVYFACE (continuing) Oh, clever girl! Splendid! CUT TO: A LITTLE LATER (Miss Daniels files Mrs. Gravyface's toenails.) MRS. GRAVYFACE I don't know why I care so much about my toenails, but I do. My husband, Herbert, says "Let 'em go! Let 'em go!" He likes to suck my toes while we're making love, you see. The dirtier, the better, he says. Suggests I take up jogging. (Miss Daniels SNEEZES.) MRS. GRAVYFACE (continuing) Why bless you, child. Are you catching cold? MISS DANIELS Oh, no. Some of this sawdust just flew up my nose. MRS. GRAVYFACE Sawdust! Oh, what a charming child! I'm having the time of my life! CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE OF POODLES (Meanwhile, Victor Du Shay, dressed as a window washer, is washing the outer window of the House of Poodles. He can observe Miss Daniels and Mrs. Gravyface from this vantage point. He looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then resumes his washing.) CUT TO: INT. HOUSE OF POODLES (Miss Daniels continues filing. Mrs. Gravyface begins to squirm in her chair. Her foot dances around, making it difficult for Miss Daniels to file.) MISS DANIELS Please, Mrs. Gravyface. MRS. GRAVYFACE Hoo boy! It's getting hot in here! (Miss Daniels follows the dancing foot closely, trying to get a few strokes in, but she's having problems. The foot smacks her in the face. Miss Daniels is not pleased. She tries again and gets whacked again. She grabs the foot and starts wrestling with it like a snake. Meanwhile, Mrs. Gravyface's breathing is getting shorter, quicker and more forceful.) MRS. GRAVYFACE Hoo boy! It's getting hot in here! MISS DANIELS (to self) Oh no, not again. (to Mrs. Gravyface) Don't worry, Mrs. Gravyface! I know what to do! (She rushes to the sink, fills a bowl with cold water and rushes back.) MISS DANIELS (continuing) Hold on, Mrs. Gravyface! Help is on the way! (She flips the sheet back, so it covers Mrs. Gravyface's face and upper body, then lifts up the woman's dress and tosses cold water onto the afflicted area.) MRS. GRAVYFACE Woo hoo! (Mrs. Gravyface starts bucking in her seat.) MRS. GRAVYFACE (continuing) Ride 'em cowboy! MISS DANIELS (whisper) Please, Mrs. Gravyface, not so loud! What about Miss Cheesish? Oh, poor Mrs. Gravyface! (But Mrs. Gravyface is squeezing her breasts through the sheet at this point, then has an enormous orgasm.) MRS. GRAVYFACE Oh, Herbert! My Herbert! (Miss Cheesish comes rushing into the room.) MISS CHEESISH Mrs. Gravyface! My God, are you all right? (Mrs. Gravyface is sprawled on the chair, the sheet still covering her upper body and face. Miss Daniels frantically files Mrs. Gravyface's toenails, blowing the filings off after every stroke. Miss Cheesish walks over to Miss Daniels and hovers over her for a few uncomfortable moments.) MISS CHEESISH (continuing) Miss Daniels? (Miss Daniels pretends to be engrossed in her work.) MISS CHEESISH (continuing) Oh, Miss Daniels. (She gives Miss Daniels arm a nasty twisting pinch when she says "Daniels.") MISS DANIELS Ow! I mean, what! I mean, what? What? MISS CHEESISH Miss Daniels? MISS DANIELS Yes, Miss Cheesish? MISS CHEESISH Guess what? MISS DANIELS I'm fired? MISS CHEESISH Clever girl. (Miss Daniels SIGHS and begins to exit.) MISS CHEESISH (continuing) And Miss Daniels. (Miss Daniels stops.) MISS DANIELS Yes, Miss Cheesish? (Miss Cheesish goes over to Miss Daniels, grabs hold of the cartoon poodle head on Miss Daniels' shirt front and rips it off, military style.) MISS CHEESISH Don't use me as a reference. MISS DANIELS No, ma'am. (Miss Daniels exits, covering the hole in her shirt with one hand.) MRS. GRAVYFACE (still beneath the sheet) What's happening? Why is it so dark in here? MISS CHEESISH Oh, shut up. CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE OF POODLES (Victor Du Shay continues washing the outer window. He looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then sprays the window with cleaner which slowly runs down the glass.) CUT TO: HOST DONUT COMMERCIAL INT. KITCHEN - DAY MOM Have you ever just felt abandoned? (Pre-teen SON, teen DAUGHTER and HUSBAND tromp through.) SON Bye, Mom. DAUGHTER Bye, Mom. HUSBAND Bye, honey. (He kisses Mom on the cheek and follows Son and Daughter out the door.) MOM "Bye, Mom." "Bye, Mom." I had the "Good-bye Mom Blues!" I tried everything. Sumptuous breakfasts. CUT TO: (An elegantly dressed Mom holds a sumptuous breakfast in one hand and a cigarette in a cigarette holder in the other. She gazes off in the distance with a slight, knowing smile. Son, Daughter and Husband tromp through.) SON Bye, Mom. DAUGHTER Bye, Mom. HUSBAND Bye, honey. (He kisses Mom on the cheek and follows Son and Daughter out the door. Mom takes a drag on the cigarette holder and blows out an elegant puff of smoke.) MOM (V.O.) Entertainment. CUT TO: (Mom rolls around the kitchen on roller skates. She has a breakfast tray strapped to her waist and plays "Love in Bloom" on the violin. Son, Daughter and Husband tromp through.) SON Bye, Mom. DAUGHTER Bye, Mom. HUSBAND Bye, honey. (He kisses her on the cheek as she rolls by and follows Son and Daughter out the door. Mom rolls off-screen, then CRASHING SOUNDS heard.) MOM (V.O.) I even tried nailing the door shut! CUT TO: (Mom nails the door shut. Son, Daughter and Husband exit out the window.) SON Bye, Mom. DAUGHTER Bye, Mom. HUSBAND Bye, pumpkin. Off to the salt mines. (He kisses Mom on the cheek and follows Son and Daughter out the window. Mom starts hammering faster, then bangs her thumb. After a painful reaction, she looks helplessly into the CAMERA.) MOM (V.O.) I didn't know what to do. CUT TO: PRESENT MOM (continuing) Until I tried Host Donuts. Yes, friends, delicious Host Donuts saved the day. (Son enters.) SON Bye, Mom. (Suddenly, he sees a FEMALE HOST DONUT lying on top of the kitchen table. She is naked except for "H's" pasted over her nipples and a donut placed over her nether region.) SON (continuing) Oh, wow! Donuts! Gee, thanks, Mom! (He goes for the Female Host Donut. Daughter enters.) DAUGHTER Bye, Mom. (Suddenly, she sees a MALE HOST DONUT lying on the kitchen counter who is also naked except for the nipple "H's" and a buttermilk bar donut sticking up from his nether region.) DAUGHTER (continuing) Buttermilk bars! Oh, heavenly! (She goes for the Male Host Donut. Husband enters.) HUSBAND Bye, honey. (He is about to kiss Mom on the cheek when he suddenly sees a LITTLE GIRL HOST DONUT lying on another kitchen counter. She has nipple "H's," black patent leather shoes, white ankle socks, a big lollipop and a jelly donut placed enticingly over her nether region.) HUSBAND (continuing) Wait a minute. Is that a jelly donut I see over there? (He goes for Little Girl Host Donut.) MOM Yes, friends. Now, you too, can kiss the "Good-bye Mom Blues" good-bye . . . (Another MALE HOST DONUT comes up beside Mom and puts his hand on her shoulder. Mom smiles at him, glances at his doughnut bar, then turns back to the CAMERA.) MOM (continuing) with Host. CUT TO: GENEVIEVE MUNCHER, DETECTIVE - CONTINUED INT. INSPECTOR'S OFFICE - DAY (The Inspector sits at his desk. Genevieve and DR. LIPTON stand.) INSPECTOR Muncher, this is Dr. Lipton. GENEVIEVE How do you do, Doctor. (She shakes Dr. Lipton's hand.) DR. LIPTON My pleasure, Ms. Muncher. INSPECTOR Dr. Lipton is an expert on unusual sexual practices. GENEVIEVE I see. (She pulls her hand away from Dr. Lipton's.) INSPECTOR He will instruct you in the art of visual orgasmatism to better prepare you for the apprehension of the criminal, Victor Du Shay. GENEVIEVE All right. (She goes over to the Inspector and starts peering intently into his face.) INSPECTOR Uh, Doctor, wouldn't it be better for Muncher to practice on you? I mean, you are the expert . . . DR. LIPTON Actually, Inspector, research has shown that it's preferable for the novice to begin with someone she's, well, fond of . . . (to Genevieve) Do you like the Inspector, Ms. Muncher? (Genevieve nods sincerely. She puts her hand on top of the Inspector's hand and gazes at him lovingly.) INSPECTOR Hey! What about Young Randall! You should hear how he talks about her! (The Inspector lunges for the phone.) INSPECTOR (continuing) Randall! Randall! Get in here, right away! DR. LIPTON I'm sorry, Inspector. Top secret. INSPECTOR But . . . (Young Randall enters.) YOUNG RANDALL Inspector? (The Inspector looks helplessly at Dr. Lipton who shakes his head solemnly.) DR. LIPTON That'll be all, Randall. YOUNG RANDALL Inspector? (The Inspector looks desperately to Dr. Lipton who gravely lowers his head. The Inspector SIGHS.) INSPECTOR Yes, that will be all, Randall. Thank you. (Young Randall, a little confused, begins to back out. Genevieve smiles at him. Young Randall, startled, bumps into the door, then exits.) CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - A FEW DAYS LATER (Genevieve and the Inspector walking.) GENEVIEVE (annoyed) What are you doing here? INSPECTOR What. GENEVIEVE I can handle this. INSPECTOR I'm here to keep you out of mischief. GENEVIEVE God, I hate that word. INSPECTOR What. Mischief? It's a perfectly good utilitarian word. GENEVIEVE Yeah, if you're talking about an orangutan. INSPECTOR It's been three days, Muncher. You're not making any progress. GENEVIEVE I'm making progress. Y'know this visual orgasmatism thing isn't as easy as it looks. INSPECTOR You did it with me. GENEVIEVE A three-legged dog could do it with you. I've never seen anyone come so fast. It was humiliating. INSPECTOR Well, I was nervous. With Dr. Lipton standing over us yelling "Eyeball! Eyeball!" And then when you stuck your tongue in my ear . . . You see, it all started when I was a child . . . GENEVIEVE Oh, please. INSPECTOR Besides, that still doesn't excuse you not making any progress. GENEVIEVE I'm making progress. (A BUSINESSMAN walks towards them.) INSPECTOR Do it with this guy, then. GENEVIEVE (disgusted) No! INSPECTOR Y'know, maybe I should replace you with Dr. Lipton. GENEVIEVE All right, all right. INSPECTOR Then you'll do it? GENEVIEVE What did I just say? INSPECTOR All right, all right. OK, here's the plan. I'll engage him in conversation, then you . . . (He nods his head quickly.) INSPECTOR (continuing) get him. OK? (No answer.) INSPECTOR (continuing) OK, Muncher? GENEVIEVE Woof, woof. (The Businessman approaches.) INSPECTOR All right, here he comes . . . (to Businessman) Excuse me, do you have the time? BUSINESSMAN (hurrying by) No I don't. (Genevieve shakes her head in disbelief and walks off. The Inspector grabs the Businessman by the arm.) INSPECTOR Uh. Nice weather we're having. (The Businessman tries wriggling free.) BUSINESSMAN Yes, but if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work. My arm, sir. INSPECTOR Work, yes. I work. You see, I'm the Inspector and that's Muncher over there. We're trying to capture Victor Du Shay, visual orgasmatist. So if you could stand still for just a few more seconds . . . (The Businessman breaks free and scrambles away.) INSPECTOR (calls after him, continuing) Thank you! Your government thanks you for your cooperation! (Genevieve re-enters.) INSPECTOR (continuing) Well? Did you . . . (He nods his head quickly.) INSPECTOR (continuing) get him? GENEVIEVE No, I didn't . . . (She mocks his head nod.) GENEVIEVE (continuing) get him. INSPECTOR Well, why not? That's why we're out here! (Genevieve exits, fuming. The Inspector follows.) INSPECTOR (continuing) Wait! I've got an idea! (Genevieve returns to edge of screen.) GENEVIEVE STOP FOLLOWING ME!!!! (She exits. The Inspector pauses, then follows.) INSPECTOR No, really. I've got an idea . . . CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - A LITTLE LATER (Genevieve and the Inspector sit at a table.) INSPECTOR Now, you've gotta get this visual orgasm thing down, Muncher, or . . . (Genevieve sits motionless, staring straight ahead with great concentration.) GENEVIEVE I'm working on it. INSPECTOR I don't know . . . GENEVIEVE See that guy sitting in front of us? SHOT (NICE YOUNG MAN sitting at a table in front of Genevieve and the Inspector. He is eating lunch and reading a newspaper.) INSPECTOR In front of us? GENEVIEVE Yes. INSPECTOR Reading the paper? GENEVIEVE Yes. INSPECTOR You're doing it to him? GENEVIEVE Yes. (The Inspector nods quickly.) INSPECTOR OK. (WAITRESS enters.) WAITRESS Can I take your order? INSPECTOR Uh, yes. Let's see. I'll have coffee . . . and a Danish. (He studies the staring Genevieve.) INSPECTOR (continuing) And my young friend here will have . . . a glass of guava juice . . . with a large, unpeeled banana stuck inside of it. (Waitress writes down order and exits.) CUT TO: (Meanwhile, the Nice Young Man is about to take a bite of his lunch when a strange feeling comes over him. He pauses and considers the situation. He feels normal again and starts to take another bite, but the strange feeling interrupts him once again. He puts down his fork and his paper and peers down at his nether region. A SECOND WAITRESS enters and suspiciously stands over the Nice Young Man.) SECOND WAITRESS Is everything OK, sir? NICE YOUNG MAN (startled) Why yes! Everything's fine! Why do you ask? (She leans in slightly for a better look.) SECOND WAITRESS Oh, I don't know . . . (The Nice Young Man leans forward so she can't see.) NICE YOUNG MAN Uh, I think I'll have the check now? SECOND WAITRESS Was that a stain I saw down there? NICE YOUNG MAN No! I mean . . . could I have the check, please? SECOND WAITRESS (pause) I'm calling the manager. (She starts to exit.) NICE YOUNG MAN No! (He grabs her by the arm, grimacing from the discomfort of having to stand while his erecting penis is being held back from its full upward position by the inner lining of his pants. The Second Waitress stops exiting. She looks at where her arm is being held. The Nice Young Man releases her and sinks back into his chair.) NICE YOUNG MAN (continuing) I mean, no. I'm begging you . . . (He shakes his fist like Scarlett O'Hara.) NICE YOUNG MAN (continuing) If there's a God in Heaven, do not call the manager. (The Second Waitress doesn't look very receptive.) NICE YOUNG MAN (continuing) If I could please have, just please have the check, I'll never come in this restaurant again. I promise. Promise. Promise. SECOND WAITRESS Well . . . (She writes out the check, then slowly rips it off, dangling it just out of his reach. The Nice Young Man makes several painful efforts to grab the check, but can't stand up enough to reach it.) NICE YOUNG MAN Could you possibly just hand me the check? Just hand me the check? (She considers his request, then slowly hands him the check.) NICE YOUNG MAN (continuing) Thank you. Old football injury. (The Second Waitress considers him some more, then exits. The Nice Young Man slaps some money on the table, sticks his hand down his pants to adjust his penis, then hastily exits. He walks towards a WAIST-LEVEL CAMERA, his hands alternately swinging in front of his bulging crotch. Meanwhile, Genevieve has stopped her staring, exhausted from the effort.) INSPECTOR (breathless) He's getting away! Quick! Go run after him! (Genevieve looks disapprovingly at the Inspector, dumps her guava juice in his lap and exits. The Second Waitress passes by, taking a quick glance at the Inspector's crotch.) CUT TO: EXT. BEACH - DAY (Victor Du Shay gazes out over the ocean. He raises his hands over his head and begins to sway from side to side in some sort of mysterious invocation. He lowers his hands and continues gazing. Suddenly, a young FEMALE JOGGER runs passed. After a thought, Du Shay looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA. He proceeds to take off his pants and top, revealing a jogging outfit underneath. He removes the outer sheathing of his penny loafers to reveal sneakers. From the sneakers, he pulls white sweat socks over his black socks. He takes a racing number from his pocket which he affixes to his chest. He does a few warm-up exercises, then takes off after the Jogger.) CUT TO: BEACH - FURTHER UP (Genevieve tromps through the sand in her trench coat. She picks up a sea shell, listens to it, hears nothing, shakes it, hits it and listens again. Suddenly, the Female Jogger runs passed, panting heavily. Genevieve peers after the Jogger suspiciously. She listens to her shell again. Du Shay gives Genevieve a jaunty little wave-like salute as he jogs passed. Genevieve waves back absent-mindedly as she slowly begins to put things together.) GENEVIEVE (to self) Du Shay. (She takes off after him.) GENEVIEVE (continuing) Du Shay! Du Shay! (Du Shay veers off, the Female Jogger falls panting to the sand. Genevieve runs after Du Shay.) CUT TO: EXT. SHACK (Du Shay runs inside, slamming the door shut after him. Genevieve does the same.) CUT TO: INT. SHACK (It's dark. Genevieve lights a match.) GENEVIEVE Du Shay? CUT TO: EXT. BOULDERS OUTSIDE SHACK (Du Shay looks at the CAMERA. He holds a bomb fuse in one hand. He raises his other hand in which he holds a lighter. He flicks on the lighter, looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then lights the fuse.) CUT TO: INT. SHACK (Genevieve hunts around for Du Shay.) GENEVIEVE (coaxingly) Du Shay. Come out, Du Shay. (Genevieve hears a SIZZLING NOISE. She looks down and sees the lighted fuse. She follows the fuse until she sees a big stack of explosives.) GENEVIEVE (continuing) Uh oh. (She runs to the door and tries to open it, but it's locked. She starts BANGING on the door with her fists.) GENEVIEVE (continuing) Du Shay! Du Shay! You let me out of here! CUT TO: EXT. SHACK GENEVIEVE (O.S., continuing) Du Shay! Du Shay!!!!! (The shack EXPLODES.) CUT TO: EXT. BOULDERS (Du Shay looks pleased. A few bits of debris fall on him. He reacts, looks conspiratorially at the CAMERA, then looks back to the shack.) CUT TO: INT. INSPECTOR'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY (Young Randall types at his computer. There's a picture on his desk of him and Genevieve at an office party. In the picture, they're both wearing party hats. He's typing at his computer, looking down, grinning sheepishly. She's got her hands on his shoulders with her head next to his, smiling at the CAMERA. Young Randall continues typing at his computer. He wipes a tear away, pauses, then breaks down, weeping into his keyboard.) CUT TO: EXT. CEMETERY - DAY (A lone figure walks along the grass. It's Victor Du Shay. He's wearing a suit and carrying a potted plant. He arrives at a grave site and sets the plant down next to a headstone which reads "GENEVIEVE MUNCHER. MAY SHE REST THOUGH IN PIECES." He stands, folds his hands in front of his crotch and bows his head for a few moments of silent contemplation. A WOMAN appears in a long black dress and veil. She places some flowers on the grave and stands next to Du Shay. Du Shay looks up with a slight smile. Suddenly, the woman starts crying uncontrollably.) WOMAN Why? Why? She was so good, so kind. (Du Shay puts a comforting arm around her shoulder.) DU SHAY There, there, young Miss . . . Were you close? (The woman lifts her veil and smiles at Du Shay. It's Genevieve Muncher!) GENEVIEVE You might say that. DU SHAY You! GENEVIEVE Who were you expecting? Flo Nightingale? (She slugs him. He goes reeling backwards and falls on his backside.) DU SHAY But you're dead! I don't believe it! GENEVIEVE An atheist, Du Shay? DU SHAY No, not an atheist. I believe in the death of Genevieve Muncher, detective. Prepare to die! (Du Shay charges Genevieve.) DU SHAY (continuing) Aghhh!!! (Genevieve flings off her dress in one motion. She's wearing her regular clothes and trench coat underneath. She assumes a defensive position. Du Shay barrels into her and they go flying backwards. Genevieve wriggles free, scrambles on top of her headstone and leaps for Du Shay.) GENEVIEVE Aghhh!!! (Du Shay rolls out of the way and Genevieve lands flat on her face. As she begins to raise herself, Du Shay rushes over with the potted plant.) DU SHAY And I bought you this potted plant, too! (He smashes her over the head with it. The pot breaks apart, but the plant stays balanced on her head like a hat. Genevieve is momentarily stunned, then regains her equilibrium and rushes over to the headstone, the plant falling from her head. She grabs the bouquet of flowers she had brought.) GENEVIEVE Thanks! But I prefer flowers! (She proceeds to beat Du Shay with the flowers. He runs away. She chases him, then hurls the bouquet at him like a missile. The flowers strike Du Shay in the back and knock him forward into an open grave pit.) DU SHAY Aghhh!!! (Genevieve charges after him.) GENEVIEVE Flower Power!!!! (She dives headfirst into the open grave.) GENEVIEVE (continuing) Aghhh!!! (Du Shay is lying on the bottom of the grave pit. He begins to rouse himself, but is startled to see an avenging Genevieve swooping down on him.) GENEVIEVE (continuing) Aghhh!!! (Genevieve lands on top of Du Shay. She slugs him a few times while they're on the ground. Then she stands, yanks Du Shay up and hits him again. Du Shay goes reeling backwards and falls next to a shovel. He grabs it and takes a swing at Genevieve who ducks. He takes another swing. She ducks. He takes two quick swings and misses again. He takes one more swing and lands it square on her face with a resounding CLANG. Du Shay pulls the shovel head away, revealing Genevieve's face which has registered the impact. Genevieve then slumps to the ground. Du Shay smiles to himself and tosses the shovel aside.) DU SHAY Oh, Muncher. You never learn, do you. (He kneels down beside Genevieve and begins his visual orgasmatism.) DU SHAY (continuing) But you will. (Genevieve begins to rouse herself, groaning.) DU SHAY (continuing) Good morning, darling. Sleep well? (Genevieve begins breathing heavily.) DU SHAY (continuing) Oh, Muncher, if I knew it was going to be like this I never would have killed you the first time. (Genevieve's breaths start getting shorter and more forceful. She closes her eyes and concentrates hard.) DU SHAY (continuing) But death is so much better the second time around, don't you agree? You know, I think I'll wear my blue suit to your next funeral . . . (But Genevieve breaks his spell.) GENEVIEVE No! DU SHAY What the . . . (Du Shay starts breathing heavily as Genevieve goes to work on him.) GENEVIEVE Blue suit? You'll be singing the blues where you're going, Du Shay. (Du Shay, working hard, sweating profusely, breaks through Genevieve's spell and turns the tables once again.) DU SHAY Oh, Muncher, I'm impressed! I believe I recognize the Dr. Lipton method. A bit crude in the technique, but all right for an amateur like you. (Genevieve, with a supreme act of will, turns the tables once again.) GENEVIEVE Aha! I may be an amateur, but at least I'm not weird. But I guess my doing what I'm doing makes me kind of weird, too, doesn't it. So for now, Du Shay . . . (Genevieve finishes Du Shay off. An enormous orgasm for Victor. Genevieve relaxes, exhausted from the effort.) DU SHAY I love you, Muncher. (Genevieve slowly rises.) GENEVIEVE Come on, Du Shay. You've got a date with the Inspector. CUT TO: THE EDGE OF THE WORLD EXT. CLIFF - NIGHT (A WOMAN balances on the edge of a cliff, her arms twirling. SOAP OPERA MUSIC plays.) TITLE: "THE EDGE OF THE WORLD" CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - DAY (MR. GREELEY, a business executive, and TRIXIE, his paramour, lie in bed.) MR. GREELEY Oh, Trixie. TRIXIE Oh, Mr. Greeley. MR. GREELEY What a wonderful experience. The passion, the excitement. And that last very difficult maneuver was something I'm usually not able to enjoy, but luckily, the present Mrs. Greeley is visiting her mother in Schenectady this week. (He notices the clock and is aghast.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Oh no! Trixie! Ten o'clock! I have a 10:15 meeting with the Board of Directors! (He grabs Trixie by the shoulders.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Oh Trixie! (But Trixie sees that Mr. Greeley has a piece of feces pasted across his forehead. Mr. Greeley is not aware of this. Trixie is aghast.) TRIXIE Oh no! MR. GREELEY Oh yes! Oh Trixie! (He jumps out of bed and begins dressing hastily.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Oh, Trixie! Ten o'clock! Ten o'clock! If we hadn't taken the time to perform that last very difficult maneuver, this might never have happened! TRIXIE (heartbroken) Oh, Mr. Greeley. (Mr. Greeley rushes to her. Trixie recoils at having the feces so close. Mr. Greeley keeps trying to talk with her up close, but she keeps dodging him.) MR. GREELEY Oh, Trixie, Trixie, it's not that I'm blaming you. It's just that I have this very important meeting with the Board of Directors. (Mr. Greeley gives up on the tete-a-tete and continues dressing.) TRIXIE (close to tears) Oh, Mr. Greeley. (She slides her head under the covers.) MR. GREELEY Oh, Trixie, Trixie, why must you be so cruel? I don't want to go, but I must. The Board of Directors . . . (He stubs his toe.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Agh! God damn it! (He hobbles to Trixie.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Look Trixie, I've bloodied my toe. I did it for you, my darling. (He gets no response and continues dressing.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Oh, Trixie, if you could just be a little more understanding. If you could just show a little more simpatico. (Mr. Greeley stands at the door, dressed, except for his shoes and socks which he holds in his hands.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Trixie. I'm going now . . . Could you at least say good-bye? (Trixie speaks from beneath the covers.) TRIXIE Good-bye. (Mr. Greeley rushes to the bed.) MR. GREELEY Oh, good-bye! (Trixie still remains beneath the covers. Mr. Greeley grabs her hand and plants a passionate kiss on it.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Good-bye, my darling! (He lets her hand go. It falls limply to the bed. Mr. Greeley then begins to exit.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) I won't be late. (He stands at the open door.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) And you'll have that diamond necklace by next Tuesday! I can promise you that right now! CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (ALISON watches television.) CUT TO: TV SCREEN (Televangelist EDWIN GOODE speaks. ORGAN MUSIC plays.) EDWIN Do you ever feel lonely and depressed? Like life just isn't worth living? Like . . . I used feel? Well, now you can dissolve that feeling of emptiness with the help of this charming amulet. (He holds up a necklace with a pendant that reads, "YOU CAN FEEL IT IF YOU WANT TO.") EDWIN (continuing) Friends, in these troubled times, people are looking for answers, answers to their questions. And with this wondrous talisman, you will find those answers. Then people, complete strangers, will come up to you. They'll come up to you and ask with an almost child-like innocence, "I can feel it if I want to? Feel what? I don't understand?" And you will look at them with all the love in the world and simply say, "Why, the spirit of the Lord." (Alison turns off the TV. She pulls a box out of a drawer and opens it. One of the necklaces is inside.) CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY (A CHAUFFEUR holds the limousine door open for Mr. Greeley.) MR . GREELEY "Hutchins, Hutchins and Hutchins." And step on it! CUT TO: INT. LIMOUSINE - A LITTLE LATER (The limo is swerving in and out of traffic. Horns are honking, people cursing, drive-by shooters firing. The chauffeur is having problems because he keeps looking in the rear view mirror at the feces on Mr. Greeley's forehead. Mr. Greeley is trying to put on his socks, but is having problems because of all the swerving.) MR. GREELEY Good God, man, are you mad? Are you insane? (He notices the chauffeur looking at him in the mirror.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Oh, I see. It's my feet! My bare naked feet that you find so fascinating! Well, yes! It's true! High-powered executives have feet! Feet! (to self) Oh, if only Trixie were here . . . (to chauffeur) You didn't hear that! Understand? You did not hear that! (to self) Oh, fuck! CUT TO: INT. BAR - NIGHT (Alison sits at the bar, reading a Bible and wearing her necklace. A MAN comes and sits next to her. Alison tightens up a little, but continues reading. The man leaves. Alison relaxes, glances discreetly at the vacated stool, then continues reading. She turns a page. She taps the bar a few times with her finger. A SECOND MAN sits next to her. Alison reads. She then turns her chest slightly towards the Second Man so he can read the message on her necklace. She turns back, keeping her eyes on her book all the while. No reaction. She does this again, turning a little further, but still no reaction. She does it a third time, twisting her chest with much effort and not a little discomfort, grabbing onto the bar with both hands, so that the necklace faces the Second Man squarely. He notices her. Alison returns to her Bible.) SECOND MAN Hi. (Alison leans in closer to her Bible.) SECOND MAN (continuing) What are you reading? (Alison leans further forward until her nose touches the page. The Second Man shrugs and exits. Alison rotates her head towards where the Second Man was sitting, turns her head back so her nose is touching the page again, then straightens up and considers her situation. She notices a THIRD MAN sitting at the end of the bar. She gathers up her things, takes a deep breath and goes over to him. She sets her things down, sits next to him, crosses her legs, puts her hand on her hip and her elbow on the bar. She bounces the message of her necklace up and down with her forefinger.) ALISON Hi, there. (The Third Man looks glumly at Alison, then exits. Alison turns to the other side, a little mystified. She sees TWO WOMEN.) FIRST WOMAN (to Second Woman) And then the guy says, "Why can't I just feel it?" . . . ALISON Excuse me, are you talking about The Edwin Goode Show on TV last night? (The two women look at each other like Alison is strange, then exit. Alison turns to the other side. A FOURTH MAN is sitting there. He hurriedly exits. Alison considers her situation, gathers up her things and, head down, exits sadly.) CUT TO: EXT. STREET - DAY (The limousine comes careening down the street, smashing into cars right and left. It stops in front of an office building. The door opens and Mr. Greeley comes tumbling out. The limousine speeds away. Mr. Greeley springs up angrily and yells after the limo.) MR. GREELEY Don't think I'm not reporting this! You'll be out of a job by next Tuesday! I can guarantee you that right now! CUT TO: INT. LOBBY (Mr. Greeley waits for an elevator.) MR. GREELEY Come on, come on. Board of Directors . . . (He impatiently presses the elevator button.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Why must we share elevators with the dime-a-dozen hourly wage earners? Why oh why must we share? (The doors slide open, but the elevator is packed. The OCCUPANTS stare at Mr. Greeley in stunned silence.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Come on now. Exit. I have a very important meeting with . . . (Suddenly, the occupants break out in HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) What's so damn funny? Come on! Out, hyenas! (He starts dragging them out one by one, but as he drags out one laughing occupant, a previously dragged out occupant laughingly staggers back in. Mr. Greeley gives up.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) All right! I'll take the stairs then, damn it! I'll take the stairs! CUT TO: INT. STAIRWELL (Mr. Greeley huffs and puffs up the stairs.) MR. GREELEY Hyenas. Madmen. Insanity. CUT TO: INT. MEETING ROOM (The BOARD OF DIRECTORS and OTHERS are seated at a table. A WOMAN is giving a presentation. Mr. Greeley bursts into the room.) MR. GREELEY (to self, breathless) Insane hyenas. Dime-a-dozen madmen. (LARRY hurriedly takes the babbling Mr. Greeley aside.) MR. GREELEY (continuing) Larry, what are you doing? LARRY You can't attend a meeting with the Board of Directors like that. MR. GREELEY Like what? LARRY You've got a, a, a thing on your face! MR. GREELEY What thing? I don't have any thing on my face. LARRY Yes, you do! Look! LOOK!!!! (Larry points to a mirror on the wall. Mr. Greeley looks. The reflection reveals the feces on his forehead and he is astonished.) CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT (Alison hurries down the sidewalk, tears streaming down her face. A MAN bumps into her, knocking her things to the ground. Alison kneels down and starts to pick them up. Suddenly, a tall dark STRANGER appears. He is seen from the waist down. He holds out the Bible to her.) STRANGER I believe this is yours. (Alison looks up at the Stranger from her kneeling position. ) CUT TO: SIDEWALK - FURTHER UP (Alison and the Stranger walking. Alison is still a little teary, but feeling better.) ALISON I don't know what I was doing in there. Maybe I shouldn't have brought the Bible. It's just that I bought this necklace . . . STRANGER A necklace? Can I see? (They stop. Alison, a little embarrassed, shows him the necklace.) STRANGER (reading, continuing) "You can feel it if you want to?" Feel what? I don't understand. ALISON Why . . . (sniffles) the spirit of the Lord. (They start walking again.) STRANGER The spirit of the Lord. My, my, isn't that something . . . You know, I don't live very far from here. Why don't we go and we can continue our discussion. ALISON Oh, I don't know. STRANGER Oh, please. ALISON You know, it's getting awfully late . . . (She starts walking faster. So does the Stranger.) STRANGER You know, the spirit is a funny thing . . . ALISON Where are we anyway? I, I think I'm lost. STRANGER It's like a breath of air or a puff of smoke . . . ALISON I really should be getting back. (She speeds up some more. He does the same.) STRANGER It can fill a person or fill the world. And it's always there. That is . . . (He smiles slightly at Alison.) STRANGER (continuing) until it's gone. (Alison is practically running now, but the Stranger is still at her side.) ALISON (almost crying) I, I really should be getting back now. Is that a bus stop up there? (She breaks into a run. He takes off after her and brings her down. Alison is lying on her back, bloodied and crying hysterically. The Stranger straddles Alison's stomach and pins her wrists roughly to the ground.) STRANGER I can feel it if I want to? I can feel it if I want to? Well, I want to! I want to! THY WILL BE DONE! (He rises up to strike her. A FLASH OF LIGHTNING reveals his ugly contorted face. Alison lets out a bloodcurdling SCREAM.) CUT TO: BLANK SCREEN MALE SINGER (V.O.) Night and day You are the one . . . (Pause.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) This is PVTV. Your Pornovision station. CUT TO: ANIMALS ARE ANIMALS TITLE: HOST DONUTS PRESENTS CUT TO: EXT. GREAT OUTDOORS - DAY TITLE: HOST DONUTS PRESENTS (Rhythmic, jungle DRUMBEATS are heard as "HOST DONUTS PRESENTS" disappears. The drumbeats become increasingly louder. The word "ANIMALS" rushes forward accompanied by a LION'S ROAR. The word "ARE" follows with an ELEPHANT'S TRUMPET. The word "ANIMALS" follows with a DUCK'S QUACKS. They form the title "ANIMALS ARE ANIMALS." TITLE: WITH YOUR HOST replaces ANIMALS ARE ANIMALS, then disappears. MARVIN PORKINS goes hurtling and tumbling through the sky, accompanied by WHOOSHING sounds. He retains a standing posture like Monty Python. He swoops in for a landing accompanied by SCREECHING sounds. The now very loud DRUMBEATS STOP.) MARVIN Marvin Porkins. CUT TO: EXT. CLIFF - DAY (Marvin stands with a fishing pole in one hand. He's fishing in a river, though the river is unseen. He gives automatic tugs on the pole every once in awhile. FRED, his sidekick, stands next to him. RAGING WATERS always heard at CLIFF.) MARVIN Hello, again. Fred and I are here in search of that great and valued prize of the Pacific Northwest, the salmon. (to Fred) Here, hold this for me, won't you, Fred? (He holds the pole out for Fred without looking at him.) FRED Why certainly, Marvin. (Fred takes the pole and tries nonchalantly tugging on it like Marvin, but soon realizes that it isn't as easy as Marvin had made it look. He grabs onto the pole with both hands and begins struggling mightily.) MARVIN The salmon, Sockeye or King, is a wonderful sporting fish with its lean muscular body and competitive nature. But it's also a wonderful eating fish. Firm, meaty and flavorful. But where do they come from? How do they reproduce? For these and other questions, let's take a look at the following short film. CUT TO: TITLE: "WE CAN ALL LEARN FROM THE SALMON." CHARLES DARWIN. CUT TO: TITLE: THE SEX LIFE OF THE SALMON CUT TO: (RAGING WATERS heard in all following "The Sex Life of the Salmon" scenes and titles until otherwise indicated.) TITLE: SALMON BEGIN THEIR JOURNEY AT THE RIVER'S MOUTH. CUT TO: RIVER (The "river" is an empty stage. Just the stage floor is shown, no curtains or walls. The lighting is subdued. "SALMON" enter from the side of the screen accompanied by "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds. The salmon are otherwise normal-looking people, dressed casually, but they have their arms pressed tightly to their sides and are hunched forward slightly. They proceed through a series of wiggles and hops with their legs remaining pressed together.) CUT TO: TITLE: BUT THE RIVER IS FRAUGHT WITH DANGER! CUT TO: RIVER (Salmon stand in the shadows with their backs to us. They face a large, brightly lit, video screen that shows a giant log barrelling down on them. The salmon hold their hands up for protection.) CUT TO: (The salmon are caught by FISHERPEOPLE with poles and BEARS who go into the river and drag the salmon out. The fisherpeople and bears are having a wonderful time. They drink beer and slap each other on the back in a spirit of good fellowship. They bring the caught salmon to a big basket. When the lid is opened, the salmon inside flop about helplessly. The just-caught salmon are tossed on top of the others and the lid closed.) CUT TO: (A "SQUIRREL," "MOSQUITO," "COUGAR," "MOOSE," "FLY" and "RAT" stand next to each other. They are people dressed in the costumes of their respective animal. They bob up and down menacingly. They suddenly stop bobbing and just stare at us laconically with their glowing red eyes.) CUT TO: TITLE: AFTER THE LONG JOURNEY, THE SALMON REACHES THE CALM WATERS OF THE SPAWNING POOLS WHERE THE MIRACLE OF LIFE BEGINS. (The RAGING WATER sounds stop for the remainder of "The Sex Life of the Salmon" scenes and titles unless otherwise indicated.) CUT TO: SPAWNING POOL (A vast, empty space with a feeling of circularity. A light mist rises from the ground. The lighting is subdued. Through a heavy mist at the edge of the pool, a FEMALE SALMON enters. Her arms and legs are now free. She comes in, slowly spinning in wonder as if in a dream, taking in her new environment. When breaking through the mist, she is accompanied by RAGING WATER sounds and FLASHES OF LIGHTNING. After she is through, all is peaceful again. The "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds are now heard. She slowly realizes where she is and is overjoyed. She dances through the open space, revelling in her newfound freedom. But she soon remembers why she's here and begins her work. She carefully begins to slide a hand into her pants pocket. The CAMERA MOVES IN. She notices the CAMERA, admonishes it for the invasion of her privacy and discretely turns away. But the CAMERA SLOWLY FOLLOWS and gets a CLOSE-UP of her slowly fingering the first luminous, Ping-Pong-sized egg from out of her pocket. The egg falls to the ground. She reaches in again and brings out more eggs. She reaches into both pockets and begins scooping out handfuls of eggs. After she's finished, she gives a little shudder of delight. She reaches in deeply again, attempting to re-create the experience.) CUT TO: TITLE: AFTER THE FEMALE SALMON'S WORK IS DONE, SHE DIES. CUT TO: SPAWNING POOL ("BLOOP BLOOP" sounds. The female salmon is still trying to dig eggs out of her pockets, but they're all gone. She checks her back pockets and shirt pocket, but nothing. She shakes one leg, then the other, but nothing comes out. Suddenly, she coughs (though we don't hear it.) She stops searching, clears her throat, then continues her search. She coughs again. She stops her searching, considers the situation, coughs again, then collapses to the ground. Realizing her fate, she takes an egg in her hand, gently talks to it, kisses it, then dies. Her fingers slowly curl around the egg. The "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds stop.) CUT TO: CLIFF A FEMALE HOST DONUT stands next to Marvin with her hand on his shoulder. Fred struggles in the background with the pole. MARVIN We'll return to our friends, the salmon, after this word from our sponsor. CUT TO: HOST DONUT COMMERCIAL INT. DONUT FACTORY PITCH WOMAN (V.O.) At Host Donuts, we take pride in what we do. We never skimp on the delicious cream filling. (A MALE WORKER removes a cream-filler hose from a FEMALE HOST DONUT's donut. She admonishes him, sticks the hose back in her donut and reacts with sensual delight.) CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN (A WOMAN, a MALE HOST DONUT and a FEMALE HOST DONUT sit around a table.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) Our donuts are friendly. They'll laugh at your jokes. (The Woman says something funny and the Host Donuts laugh.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) They'll listen to your problems. (The Woman, crying, is relating her problems. The Host Donuts nod sympathetically.) CUT TO: INT. HOST DONUT SHOP (HOST DONUTS, smiling and expectant, sit in a shiny glass case.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) And they're just waiting for you to come take them home with you. (A SECOND WOMAN exits. She is trailed by a ducky-like string of smiling MALE HOST DONUTS, their donut bars bobbing up and down.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) In fact, why not take home a dozen . . . CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM (The Second Woman is dancing with the Male Host Donuts.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) for a Host Donut party! CUT TO: ANIMALS ARE ANIMALS - CONTINUED CLIFF (Fred holds the pole over his shoulder with both hands. He slowly makes his way across the screen behind Marvin and the Female Host Donut as if pulling an enormous weight.) MARVIN Yes, friends, that's Host. From coast to coast, the most delicious donut you're ever gonna wanna wrap your lips around. (Fred is at the end of his rope. He is stopped in mid-strain, then pulled sliding backwards while still in his pole-holding position. He falls backwards over the edge of the cliff. The Female Host Donut watches him slide off.) FRED Aghhh!!! (A BIG SPLASH is heard.) MARVIN Now back to our program. (Marvin breaks a little piece off the Female Host Donut's donut, pushes it into his mouth and starts chewing. The Female Host Donut looks at Marvin and shrugs her shoulders with delight.) CUT TO: TITLE: AFTER THE FEMALE SALMON DIES, THE MALE SALMON COMES TO PERFORM HIS FUNCTION. CUT TO: SPAWNING POOL (A MALE SALMON comes stumbling through the thick mist accompanied by RAGING WATER sounds and LIGHTNING FLASHES. The "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds return. He can't believe what he's been through. He looks back indignantly at the thick mist and gestures angrily. He turns around and notices where he is. He is transfixed and walks around in wonder. Suddenly, he sees the Female Salmon lying on the ground. He is overjoyed and scampers over to her. He tells her how glad he is to see her and recounts all he's been through, the strong currents, the battles, etc. He waits for a reply, but there is none. He tells a little more about his journey, waits for a response, but nothing. He leans in closer and nervously calls to her. He reaches down and touches her cold cheek and quickly recoils in horror. He's suddenly enraged. Who's done this! Come on out and fight! But no one comes. He takes a step back and bumps into an egg. He looks down and sees the egg. He looks around and sees all the other eggs. He looks at the Female Salmon again, then at the eggs. Now he gets it. He slaps his forehead and goes over to the Female Salmon and swears to her that he will not let her down. He goes over to the eggs, picks one up and tickles it, then plays "peek-a-boo." He's happy and contented. He gently sets down the egg and begins carefully lining up the other eggs. At the entrance, a dashingly handsome EVIL SALMON strides in through the mist accompanied by RAGING WATER sounds and LIGHTNING FLASHES. Following him are two scraggly HENCHSALMON who drag themselves through the mist, almost half dead. The Evil Salmon boldly surveys the area. He spots the dead Female Salmon and the Male Salmon lining up the eggs. He indicates what he sees to his Henchsalmon, but the Henchsalmon are busy fighting with each other. The Evil Salmon hits the Henchsalmon and tells them to shape up. He points out their next target and tells them his plan. They nod approvingly and begin to sneak around behind the Male Salmon. The Evil Salmon calls out to the Male Salmon. None of the Evil Salmon's dialogue is heard.) EVIL SALMON Hallo! Hallo! (The Male Salmon looks up and waves to the Evil Salmon in a friendly manner.) EVIL SALMON (continuing) What are you doing over there, my friend? (The Male Salmon goes through his recounting of his journey, his arrival, his discovery and how he has to perform his function now. The Evil Salmon pulls a bottle of liquor from beneath his jacket and holds it out to the Male Salmon.) EVIL SALMON (continuing) Come, have a drink with me! (The Male Salmon indicates that he cannot. He has a lot of work to do. The Evil Salmon keeps insisting. The Male Salmon keeps refusing. Meanwhile, the two Henchsalmon are now behind the Male Salmon and they grab him. They drag the struggling Male Salmon to the Evil Salmon who takes a swig from the bottle. He taps the Male Salmon on the chest with the bottle.) EVIL SALMON (continuing) You said you had to perform your function, my friend? (He strides over to the eggs.) EVIL SALMON (continuing) But you're wrong! (He stands among the eggs and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a handful of sperm and holds it high over his head.) EVIL SALMON (continuing) For you see, I am the one who shall perform the function, not you, salmon! (He takes a swig from the bottle and hurls the first handful of sperm. The Male Salmon is horrified. He redoubles his efforts to break free, but the riotous Henchsalmon hold him fast. The Evil Salmon takes another swig and hurls another handful of sperm. One Henchsalmon holds the Male Salmon from behind as the other tickles him. The angry Male Salmon stomps on the foot of the Henchsalmon holding him and breaks free. He takes a swing at the other who ducks. The Male Salmon is spun around by the force of his swing and the tickling Henchsalmon laughingly grabs him from behind and the first Henchsalmon begins the tickling. The Evil Salmon hurls another handful of sperm. Then another. Then another. Finally, he is through. He takes a swig from the bottle and strides back to the Male Salmon who stands with his head down, defeated. The Evil Salmon tells his Henchsalmon that they can go have their fun with the eggs now. They eagerly comply. The Evil Salmon puts his arm around the Male Salmon.) EVIL SALMON It's not so bad, my friend. (He puts the bottle up to the Male Salmon's lips, but he turns his head away. The Evil Salmon sneers, but then catches himself and calls out to his Henchsalmon.) EVIL SALMON (continuing) Hallo! Hallo! It's time to go! (The Henchsalmon are rolling around in the eggs, stomping on them, throwing sperm at one another and just having a good time. They hear their master and scramble back to him. The Evil Salmon begins exiting.) EVIL SALMON (continuing) Hallo! Hallo! It's time to go! Playtime is over. Playtime is over. (He tosses the bottle carelessly into the air. It lands among the eggs where it shatters into a thousand pieces.) EVIL SALMON (to Male Salmon, continuing) So long, my friend! Have a nice life! (He laughs and strides majestically out through the thick mist of the entrance accompanied by RAGING WATER sounds and LIGHTNING FLASHES. The two Henchsalmon beat down the unresisting Male Salmon and exit laughing, leaving him for dead. The "BLOOP BLOOP" sounds stop. RAGING WATER sounds and LIGHTNING FLASHES as the Henchsalmon exit through the mist.) CUT TO: TITLE: THE CYCLE OF LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE. A NEW GENERATION OF SALMON TO BE BORN. CUT TO: TITLE: BUT SOMETIMES NATURE TAKES PITY AND SENDS FORTH ITS EMISSARIES TO THOSE IN NEED. CUT TO: SPAWNING POOL (A BALL OF LIGHT floats in and hovers over the dead Male and Female Salmon. The Ball dissolves revealing ALL SALMON BEFORE, a big, hoary-looking salmon with big lips, glasses and big feathery wings. A sign hangs around its neck that reads "ALL SALMON BEFORE." It hovers over the dead salmon, tail pointing to the ground, wings flapping methodically. It looks straight ahead, blandly. It then levitates its body horizontally to the ground and considers the Male and Female Salmon. It flies over to the Female Salmon, extends its wing and with the tip touches her closed outstretched hand. A GLOWING LIGHT flashes where he has touched her. Her fingers slowly unwind to reveal the luminous, still pristine, egg that she had held before her death. It then flies over to the Male Salmon and touches his head with an outstretched wing tip causing another GLOWING LIGHT FLASH. It then resumes its vertical position where it becomes enveloped in the ball of light once again and it goes floating off into the distance. The Male Salmon slowly opens his eyes and looks to the Female Salmon.) MALE SALMON (unheard) All is not lost. (He drags himself over to the Female Salmon until he is beside her. He painfully reaches into his pocket, pulls out some sperm, sprinkles it over the egg in her outstretched hand, then he dies.) CUT TO: CLIFF (Fred, Marvin and the Female Host Donut stand side by side with Marvin in the middle. Fred is soaking wet and cradles a big, heavy, real SALMON in his arms.) MARVIN Tune in next week for another edition of ANIMALS! (LION'S ROAR heard when he says "animals.") FEMALE HOST DONUT ARE! (ELEPHANT'S TRUMPET heard when she says "are.") FRED ANIMALS! (DUCK'S QUACKING heard when he says "animals.") MARVIN Good-bye, everybody. (Fred LAUGHS like Donald Duck. The Female Host Donut looks at him and shrugs her shoulders with delight.) CUT TO: THE BREEDY BUNCH BREEDY GRID (Brady Bunch-type headshots of the actors in the nine squares. BOOBY, the youngest son, is in the lower right square. He is looking disgusted. SIN PERSONIFIED, the youngest daughter, is in the lower left square. She is wearing "The Exorcist"-type demon make-up and takes bites out of squirrels she has in each hand. Everyone else is smiling.) THEME SONG (V.O.) Here's the story Of a lovely lady Who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold Like their mother, The youngest one ate squirrels . . . TITLE: "THE BREEDY BUNCH" superimposed. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - DAY SEGUE MUSIC (Booby sits at the kitchen table eating milk and cookies. BALLAST, the maid, and MARUSHKA, the eldest daughter, stand in the background and engage in a conversation for Booby's benefit.) MARUSHKA Poor little Sinny. Up all alone in her room with no one to visit. BALLAST Well, I'd go, Marushka, but I was up there all morning reading her stories. MARUSHKA How she loves having stories read to her. BALLAST And you were there all afternoon changing her little bed linen and being the good nurse. MARUSHKA Anything for little Sinny. BALLAST And the Doctor said no one could be with her for more than a few hours a day without catching her little illness. MARUSHKA If only there was someone who could go up there. (Booby, who has been listening suspiciously, puts down his milk and cookies, waiting for the question.) BALLAST What about Booby? (Booby makes a face.) MARUSHKA Oh, Booby wouldn't go. BALLAST Why not? MARUSHKA Oh, well, he's just so selfish, is all. (Booby reluctantly gets up.) BALLAST Oh, don't say that, Marushka. It's just not true! BOOBY I'm going, I'm going . . . MARUSHKA Oh, but it is, Ballast! Did I ever tell you about the time . . . (Booby exits.) CUT TO: INT. SIN'S BEDROOM (Like a scene from The Exorcist. Sin lies in bed with the demon make-up and the cold breath rising from her rasping mouth. Booby nervously sticks his head in the door.) BOOBY Hi, Sinny. Guess who? (He enters, standing just inside the room.) BOOBY (continuing) Uh, can I get you anything? An aspirin, some throat lozenges? (Sin continues breathing heavily, emitting little coughs every now and then.) BOOBY (continuing) Well, I guess you're kind of tired. I'll just . . . (He turns to exit. The door slams shut.) BOOBY (continuing) Well, maybe not. (Sin speaks. She has a raspy, child demon's voice.) SIN "Wead" me a "stowy". BOOBY Oh, I don't know, Sinny . . . (The bed starts shaking and objects go crashing through the room.) BOOBY (continuing) All right, all right. Jeez! (Things calm down. Booby sits down on Sin's bed and looks over the books on her night stand.) BOOBY (continuing) Let's see. What do we have here. "Goldilocks and the Three Vibrators," "Snow White Gets It On With the Dwarves." Oh, here's one. (He picks up a book.) BOOBY (continuing) "Jack and the Bean Sprouts!" One of my personal childhood favorites. Let's see . . . (reads) Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack who instead of liking ice cream and candy recognized the nutritional value of bean sprouts . . . (Sin grabs Booby's wrist and squeezes.) BOOBY (continuing) Ow, ow! You're hurting me, Sinny. (reads) Now Jack was a healthy lad . . . (Sin squeezes again.) BOOBY (continuing) Ow, ow! SIN "Gowdiwocks." BOOBY All right, all right. "Gowdiwocks." (Sin squeezes.) BOOBY (continuing) Ow! I mean "Goldilocks." (He picks up "Goldilocks.") BOOBY (reads, continuing) Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks . . . SIN "Gowdiwocks" . . . BOOBY Yes, that's right! (reads) And one day while walking through the woods, she chanced upon a little cottage . . . (to Sin) Can you say "cottage," Sinny? (Sin squeezes.) BOOBY (continuing) Ow! Stop it! (He bonks Sin on the head with the book, but immediately becomes nervous about how she might react. But Sin does nothing, the cold steamy breath continuing to rise from her gaping demon mouth.) BOOBY (continuing) I mean . . . . (reads) So Goldilocks went inside the cottage and saw three vibrators. She tried the first one, but the vibrating action was so fierce that it knocked all the fillings out of Goldilocks' teeth . . . (Sin COUGHS.) SIN I have a "cowd." BOOBY Yes, Sinny, that's why I'm here. (reads) So Goldilocks tried the second one, but the vibrating action was too sluggish for a young girl's proper stimulation . . . (Sin COUGHS some more.) SIN I have a "cowd." I have a "cowd." (She lets out a big hacking COUGH and a glob of green phlegm hits Booby in the face. Booby wipes it off. He's becoming worried.) BOOBY Oh, pardon me, Booby . . . (reads) So Goldilocks tried the third vibrator.. . (Sin COUGHS and another glob of phlegm hits Booby in the face. He wipes it off.) BOOBY (continuing) and . . . (The phlegm globs are flying now.) BOOBY (continuing) and the third vibrator was j-u-u-u-st . . . (A phlegm glob flies inside his open mouth. Booby makes a face, spits out the phlegm glob and rushes for the door, but a big stream of green vomit hits him in the back and knocks him down. He scrambles to his feet and faces Sin.) SIN (O.S.) I have a "cowd." I have a "cowd." (Another big stream of vomit knocks Booby down. Booby scrambles to his feet and makes his way to the door as a continuous stream of vomit impedes his progress. He opens the door. The vomit stops momentarily.) BOOBY Don't move, Sinny. I'm gonna get you a barf bag, OK? (Another stream of vomit hits him.) BOOBY (continuing) OK. (Booby exits.) CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING (Booby sits at the table trying to eat his breakfast. His siblings are tormenting him, GIGGLING, poking him, etc. Booby tries to ignore them. FLAN, the middle daughter, takes Booby's hand and starts masturbating with it.) FLAN Oh, Booby! Booby! (Booby snatches his hand away and wipes it off with a napkin. Flan dances away. Everyone GIGGLES. Booby looks after Flan, disgusted. From the other side, Sin takes one of Booby's sausages, masturbates with it and puts it back on his plate. STIFLED GIGGLES and WHISPERS. Booby takes a bite from the sausage. LAUGHTER. Marushka leans in.) MARUSHKA How does that sausage taste, Booby? (Booby looks piercingly at her.) BOOBY Like it's supposed to. (BIG LAUGHS. More WHISPERS and scurrying. Booby continues trying to eat his breakfast as if none of this bothers him. Suddenly, a stream of urine arcs over Booby's head and onto his plate. More LAUGHTER. Booby puts down his fork and stares at his defiled plate. FLEEGLE, the middle son, then climbs on top of the table, squats over Booby's plate and deposits a big gushing stream of diarrhea. BIG LAUGHS. Fleegle scrambles off the table.) FLEEGLE Oh, hee hee hee hee . . . (Booby pushes his chair away from the table. He hears more WHISPERS and ACTIVITY behind him. He surreptitiously looks back out of the corner of his eye. Suddenly, GROG, the eldest son, grabs Booby's chair from behind and tries to yank it out from under him. But Booby grabs on tightly and holds his ground. Grog yanks again. But Booby holds on tighter. Grog tries again. But Booby will not let go. Grog gives the chair an enormous yank. Booby still holds on tightly, but the force of this last tug causes the chair to tilt forward, sending Booby's face crashing into the defiled plate. BIG LAUGHTER. The chair smoothly swings back to its level position. Booby, still determined, won't let go. Grog gives another mighty yank. Booby's face goes crashing into the plate again. More LAUGHTER. Booby falls back to the level position again. Grog continues trying to yank the chair away, each time Booby's face hitting the plate and then falling back. The rhythm slowly increases until a steady pounding is developed. MRS. BREEDY, the mother, sitting at another part of the table, notices the disturbance.) MRS. BREEDY Now kids, really . . . (She speaks to GRYKE, the father, who has been performing oral sex on her from beneath the table.) MRS. BREEDY (continuing) Gryke. . . (Gryke pops his head up.) GRYKE OK, kids, you heard your mother. Now settle down . . . (He indicates Mrs. Breedy's lap.) GRYKE (continuing) so I can finish my meal. (He holds up one finger to Grog.) GRYKE (continuing) Grog, remember our agreement. GROG Right, Dad. (Grog stops yanking, leaving Booby tilted forward with his face in the plate of diarrhea.) GROG (continuing) Come on, guys, let's go. Come on, Fleegle. FLEEGLE Oh, hee hee hee hee . . . (Booby's siblings exit. Booby's chair slowly slides out from under him. His body, still in the sitting position, swings down underneath the table, his chin serving as the fulcrum. He swings up under the table until he's parallel with the underside of the table, his knees crashing through the table top. He freezes there for a second, then comes crashing to the floor on his back, still in the sitting position.) CUT TO: INT. BOOBY'S BEDROOM - LATER (Booby watches television.) CUT TO: TV SCREEN PITCH MAN Life got you down? Think there's no escape? (GUY in suit of armor, holding mace, enters.) PITCH MAN (continuing) Well, that's because you haven't tried the "Little Sir Lancelot Suit of Armor." Get rid of those pesky annoyances . . . (Guy swings his mace.) PITCH MAN (continuing) and start living the life you deserve. (Guy nods and points at CAMERA, his visor still down.) CUT TO: (Booby turns off the TV.) BOOBY By God, I'll do it! SEGUE MUSIC CUT TO: ROTO-WIPE COMMERCIAL PITCH WOMAN Do you ever feel . . . unclean? Like little pieces of feces are stuck to your anal region? Well, friends, your days of fret are over, thanks to the good people at Roto-Wipe. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM (A WOMAN sits on the toilet reading "Taut Tales From Wall Street." We hear a PLOP followed by a FIZZ. Green smoke rises from the toilet between her legs. She holds her nose and fans the air with the book.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) After our young heroine is through, she goes not to the outmoded toilet paper . . . (The Woman sets down the book and goes over to a device attached to the floor. It's a little over a foot in height and has a barrel base with a vibrator-shaped column rising from the top. The top of the column is covered with layers of toilet tissue.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) but to the revolutionary Roto-Wipe Rotating Toilet Paper for quick purifying relief. She merely assumes a balancing position over the miracle machine. (The Woman squats over the Roto-Wipe.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) And once! (The Woman squats down on top of the column tip. A WHIRRING sound is heard. She rises.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) Twice! (The Woman squats again. The WHIRRING is a little higher pitched. She rises.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) Tha-a-a-a . . . (The Woman squats down, holding her position a little longer. The WHIRRING is a little more highly pitched and a little longer, ending with a feeling of flying-off finality. She rises.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) re-e-e times is all it takes! And after she's through, she merely removes the top layer of the patented Sani-Cov covering . . . (The Woman bends down and tears off the top layer of toilet tissue with her thumbs and forefingers. She holds the tissue up for the CAMERA, displaying a perfectly formed brown circle.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) And then, toss. (The Woman tosses the tissue into the toilet.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) Flush. (The Woman flushes.) PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) And she's clean, confident and ready to go about her daily routine. (The Woman shuffles out of the bathroom with her pants still around her ankles.) CLOSE-UP of the Roto-Wipe. PITCH WOMAN (V.O., continuing) Roto-Wipe. Just what I needed. CUT TO: THE BREEDY BUNCH - CONTINUED INT. MASTER BEDROOM - A FEW DAYS LATER SEGUE MUSIC. Mrs. Breedy writing at a nightstand. The doorbell RINGS downstairs. MRS. BREEDY Ballast! CUT TO: INT. DEN (Ballast is seated on a table against a wall. Grog has his pants down and is engaging in intercourse with her. Ballast has a feather duster in each hand. She spins each over her head causing each duster to dust a trophy on an overhead trophy case. Her legs kick out with Grog's every thrust. The doorbell RINGS again.) MRS. BREEDY (O.S., continuing) Ballast? BALLAST I'm in the den dusting off Grog's trophy, Mrs. Breedy! CUT TO: INT. STAIRS (Marushka descending wearing a sexy nightgown.) MARUSHKA I'll get it, Mom! (As she approaches the front door, Booby rushes passed her.) BOOBY Out of my way, trollop! (Marushka reacts with mock surprise. Booby opens the door. A DELIVERY BOY is there with a large wooden crate.) DELIVERY BOY Delivery for Booby Breedy. BOOBY That's me! Where do I sign? (The Delivery Boy hands him a signing device and points to a spot. Booby takes the device and signs. Meanwhile, Marushka has been flirting with the Delivery Boy. They engage in a passionate kiss, sink to the floor and begin engaging in sexual relations.) BOOBY (to self) At last! My days of fret are over. Clean, cool and confident, I . . . (He notices Marushka and the Delivery Boy on the floor and registers his disapproval.) BOOBY (to CAMERA, continuing) Where all the neighbors can see, too. CUT TO: MASTER BEDROOM - A LITTLE LATER SEGUE MUSIC. (Mrs. Breedy writes at the night stand. Flan sticks her head in the door.) FLAN Mom, why don't we have a dog? MRS. BREEDY I don't know, dear. CUT TO: BOOBY'S BEDROOM (Low BOING heard as we go from the master bedroom to Booby's bedroom. Booby stands next to the open crate wearing the suit of armor. The visor is up and he is holding the mace.) BOOBY At last! (He swings the mace.) BOOBY (continuing) Take that, Marushka! And Grog . . . (He swings the mace.) BOOBY (continuing) Booby's here! Get used to it! And now . . . (He takes an awkward step.) BOOBY (continuing) it's off to the kitchen for some well deserved milk and cookies. (He surveys the area.) BOOBY (continuing) You know, this place isn't so bad once you get used to it. A fresh coat of paint, some flowers in the yard. Nice. (He starts to take another step, but falls backwards.) BOOBY (continuing) Whoa! (Booby lies on his back, fuming. He struggles to get up, flailing his arms and legs, but is unsuccessful. He pauses, then tries again, but it's no good.) BOOBY (continuing) Mm! Live like a turtle, die like a turtle. That's my motto now. (He tries again. Nothing. Suddenly, he hears SINGING in the distance.) BOOBY (continuing) Uh oh. (Booby's visor closes by itself.) CUT TO: BOOBY'S BEDROOM DOOR - LOOKING OUT MARUSHKA (O.S., singing) Oh, when the saints Go marching in. Oh, when the saints go marching in . . . (Marushka, in sexy nightgown, walks across the doorway. She pauses and does a little step.) MARUSHKA (singing, continuing) Oh Lord, I want To be in that number . . . (She continues walking.) MARUSHKA (O.S., singing, continuing) When the saints go marching in. (Pause. Marushka re-appears at the doorway, her hands on her hips. She pauses, enters, then stands over the suit of armor, considering.) MARUSHKA (continuing) A suit of armor . . . I wonder where it came from? (She looks around. She looks up at the ceiling. Then she notices the crate and understands. She puts her hands on her hips in mock severity.) MARUSHKA (continuing) All right, Booby Breedy. I know you're in there. SHOT INSIDE BOOBY'S HELMET BOOBY (to self) What's she saying out there? (Booby tries to get up, flailing his arms and legs.) MARUSHKA Stop that! Stop that! (She stomps on his chest. A HOLLOW METALLIC SOUND is heard. Booby stops flailing.) MARUSHKA (continuing) You know why you're like this, don't you? (Booby flails, then stops.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Well, I'll tell you then. It's because you're anti-social. And you know what else? You're anti-family as well. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I? I, who have read Little Women countless numbers of times, anti-family?" But who knows? Maybe I could forgive you for being anti-family. I mean, let's face it, there are some members of this family who could use a few years of intense psychological counseling. And anti-social? Well, who cares about society anymore, right? (starts crying) But Booby, Booby, though I could forgive you for being anti-social and could forgive you for being anti-family, what I cannot, cannot, forgive you for is being anti-Marushka! Anti-Marushka, Booby! (She flings herself on Booby and cries dramatically. After a few moments, she notices a small box inside the wooden crate marked "ACCESSORIES." She reaches for the box, opens it and takes out a dildo and wrench. She looks at them curiously, though she still blubbers every once in awhile for Booby's benefit. She looks down at the crotch of Booby's armor and sees an unscrewable bolt head. She looks at the wrench and dildo again, then back at the bolt head and smiles to herself. She moves down to the bolt head and starts unscrewing.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Ah, Booby, Booby . . . (She finishes unscrewing the bolt head. She tosses it aside and peers down the bolt hole.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Oh, Booby, if there were only something I could do to make you like me better. Can you think of something, Booby? Can you? SHOT INSIDE BOOBY'S HELMET BOOBY (to self) I'm sending this thing back. I don't care . . . (Marushka looks at the threads on the bottom of the dildo, looks at the hole again and tries to screw it in. It stands for a few moments, then topples over.) MARUSHKA Booby? Can you? I have a feeling you're not trying very hard. (She looks at the threads and hole again. She holds the dildo by the tip with two fingers and slowly lowers it into the hole. She then twirls it around by the tip until it's screwed in. Then she grabs the dildo with her hand and gives it a final twist. She gives the dildo a few wiggles to make sure it's secure. She's satisfied and turns her attention back to Booby.) MARUSHKA (mock gasp, continuing) Booby, no! What are you thinking! Is this your answer? I mean, I never thought! I never knew! (She agonizes over her situation for a few moments.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Very well. I'll do it. (She quickly lies on her back, whips off her panties, then positions herself on top of the dildo and does a few gyrations for lubrication purposes.) MARUSHKA (continuing) I just want you to know that I'm not doing this for me. Or for you. But for us . . . (She pauses dramatically over the dildo.) MARUSHKA (continuing) For us, Booby. (She plunges down on the dildo.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Oh, Paradise Found! (She slides up and down on the dildo.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Oh, Booby, Booby. And I thought Grog was well-endowed. You know, Grog has such a large penis that when he goes surfing, he hangs eleven, but you, Booby, you . . . (She begins riding violently up and down.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Booby? Booby, what's happening? Oh Booby, stop! Please Booby, no! (She starts crying. She bangs on the armor's chest making a HOLLOW METALLIC SOUND.) MARUSHKA (continuing) You beast! You animal! How can you do this to me? Stop! Please, Booby! Please! No! No! (She has an enormous orgasm.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Booby-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y . . . (She lies on top of Booby for a few moments, exhausted, then slides off the dildo. She crawls up to Booby's helmet and opens the visor.) MARUSHKA (continuing) How you doing in there, Booby? (Booby makes a face. Marushka makes a face back and kisses him. He spits at her.) MARUSHKA (continuing) Oops, better close the window. Looks like rain. (She closes the visor. She looks up. Grog bends down to kiss her. Grog and Fleegle carry Booby out in his armor. Marushka follows.) FLEEGLE Oh, hee hee hee . . . CUT TO: EXT. BACK YARD (A big bonfire burns. Grog has Booby by the wrists. Fleegle has him by the ankles. They swing him from side to side. Marushka watches.) GROG AND FLEEGLE Heave ho! Heave ho! (They toss Booby on the bonfire on the second "ho!" Grog, Fleegle and Marushka exit laughing.) CUT TO: INSIDE BOOBY'S HELMET (Glowing red and filling with smoke. ROARING FIRE SOUNDS.) BOOBY I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you . . . (Booby becomes obscured by smoke.) CUT TO: INT. UPSTAIRS FAMILY ROOM - LATER SEGUE MUSIC (Mrs Breedy sits in an armchair, writing on a note pad. Gryke has his head between her legs, performing oral sex. Grog and Marushka sit familiarly on one side of the couch and watch television. Marushka is in her sexy nightgown. Fleegle and Flan are making out on the other side of the couch. Sin Personified sits on the floor. On her lap is a pink paper bag with the word "BARF!" written on it in big, multi-colored balloon letters. She barfs into it.) CUT TO: EXT. BACK YARD (The bonfire has burned down. Booby lies on top of a smoldering layer of ashes and debris. He slowly rises and begins staggering towards the house. Pieces of his smoking armor fall off as he walks. His helmet is still on. His dildo is still attached, but it's slightly melted and curved downward.) BOOBY I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you . . . CUT TO: TV SCREEN IN FAMILY ROOM ("Password" parody. The HOST stands behind a podium. MAN #1 AND WOMAN #1 sit behind a low counter to his left. MAN #2 and WOMAN #2 sit behind a low counter to his right.) HOST (low voice) And the mystery word is . . . (He lowers his head and cups his hand over his mouth.) HOST (low voice, continuing) Jammin'. (The word "JAMMIN'" is superimposed on the bottom of the screen when the Host says "jammin'." A DING of a bell is heard. He turns to Team #1 on his left.) HOST (continuing) Ten points! (MAN #1 and WOMAN #1 look seriously at each other.) MAN #1 Fuck. (They continue looking seriously at each other.) WOMAN #1 Screw. (BUZZER sounds.) HOST No, I'm sorry. CUT TO: BREEDY HOUSE (Booby enters, his armor still clanking off his body.) CUT TO: TV SCREEN (The Host gives the CAMERA a serious look. He turns to Team #2.) HOST (continuing) Nine points. (MAN #2 looks seriously at WOMAN #2 who has a goofy smile on her face.) WOMAN #2 (goofily) Intercourse. MAN #2 (to self) Fuck. Intercourse. Fuck. Intercourse. (Woman #2 retains her goofy smile.) WOMAN #2 (goofily) Intercourse. (The BUZZER sounds.) CUT TO: FAMILY ROOM GROG What a bunch of dipshits. I know what it is. MARUSHKA You do not. (Grog looks at Marushka smugly till she can't stand it anymore.) MARUSHKA (continuing) All right, what is it then? GROG Bang. (Marushka laughs derisively.) GROG (continuing) Well, what do you think it is then? MARUSHKA Coitus. GROG Co-what-us? MARUSHKA Not "co-what-us." Coitus, you dipshit! (Marushka laughs and she and Grog start to argue.) CUT TO: TOP OF STAIRS (Booby continues his journey. He takes off the helmet, dropping it to the floor.) CUT TO: FAMILY ROOM (Everyone's arguing. Gryke is holding his finger up. Sin barfs into her barf bag. Booby stands in the doorway, taking in the scene. He's still smoking slightly and very angry. He's seen from the waist up so we can't see the dildo.) BOOBY If I was a dog . . . (No one sees Booby yet as they continue arguing. BOOBY tries again, more assertively this time.) BOOBY (continuing) IF I WAS A DOG . . . (The rest of the Breedys slowly start to notice BOOBY. They stop arguing one by one until they're all quiet and paying attention. Booby takes a few steps inside.) BOOBY (continuing) If I was a dog and needed a place to stay, I would not ask for a bed of canopy and lace or demand that my every whim be attended. A nice warm corner in the kitchen, a little food, a little water, a chew bone, that's all I'd need. And if I were a three-foot-long piece of feces, I would not require to be placed on the mantle in a shrine-like setting, to be admired and worshipped all the live-long day. (Marushka and Grog look at one another.) BOOBY (continuing) But I am not a dog! I am not a piece of feces! I am a human being! And as such, I expect to be given the respect that everyone else in this household receives! (He angrily waits for a response.) BOOBY (continuing) WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT??? (The Breedys look on in stunned silence.) MARUSHKA Boy, Booby sure has a big cock. (SIN barfs into her barf bag. STIFLED LAUGHTER from the Breedy kids.) MRS. BREEDY Kids . . . (Booby looks down and sees the partially melted dildo. He flashes an angry look at his siblings. He tries to rip it off, but his hand SIZZLES from the remaining heat and he yanks his hand away in pain.) BOOBY Agh! (STIFLED LAUGHTER from the Breedy kids.) MRS. BREEDY Kids . . . (to Gryke) Gryke . . . (Gryke holds up one finger. Booby flashes them an angry look and strikes a defiant pose.) BOOBY Oh, yeah? Well . . . (He makes rude jerking motions with one hand around the dildo, then whippingly points an angry finger at his siblings with the same hand.) BOOBY (continuing) You! (He repeats the jerking and pointing motions.) BOOBY (continuing) You! (Everyone looks at Booby in stunned silence. Then Booby's siblings, and parents also, break into RAUCOUS LAUGHTER causing Booby to lose it completely. He rushes toward a big plate glass window and CRASHES THROUGH in glorious SLOW MOTION.) BOOBY (continuing) Aghhh!!!!! CUT TO: BREEDY GRID (Like opening shot, but Sin has a barf bag which she barfs into. In Booby's square is a framed picture of a dead bloody Booby in his sooty armor and dildo. Marushka, Flan and Sin, dressed seductively, surround him in suggestive poses. Marushka pulls back on Booby's hair which keeps his head propped up and his eyes opened. The CAMERA MOVES IN to the words "BOOBY - AS WE REMEMBER HIM" at the bottom of the picture.) CUT TO: THE HEALTH HABIT INT. "THE HEALTH HABIT" SET - DAY OLIVE BUFFER, host, and Dr. Lipton from "Genevieve Muncher, Detective," sit facing each other with a big video screen behind them. OLIVE Hello everybody and welcome to The Health Habit. I'm Olive Buffer and our guest this week is Dr. Lipton from the Dr. Lipton Institute of Sexual Perversity. (to Dr. Lipton) Welcome, Doctor. DR. LIPTON My pleasure. OLIVE Dr. Lipton, the Institute of Sexual Perversity. Such a strange name. Comment. DR. LIPTON Strange, but accurate. The Institute treats and studies all forms of human sexual aberration. A fascinating and valuable field. CUT TO: VIDEO SCREEN (The screen behind them turns on revealing the slightly grainy image of the "ROOM OF NO RETURN," a barren room with cement walls and floor. It has hot steam pipes along the ceiling and walls. There is no audio.) OLIVE (O.S.) Doctor, what is this place? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Welcome to the "Room of No Return." OLIVE (O.S.) And what's that, dare I ask? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Well, sometimes people venture into areas where the treatment arm of the Institute is no longer able to offer comfort or cure, and thus . . . OLIVE (O.S.) The Room of No Return. DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Precisely. OLIVE (O.S.) And what's that thing moving around over there, Doctor? (A PATIENT clomps painfully across the room. He barely looks human. His misshapen, filth-ridden body is covered with sores and pustules.) DR. LIPTON (O.S.) What. What thing? . . . Oh. (chuckles) That is one of our "guests." Yes. He, it, whatever, is about to do something that you and your viewers should find quite interesting. Observe. (The Patient hobbles to a steaming pipe and stands in front of it for a few moments, working up courage. He then leaps onto the pipe, clasping it tightly with his arms and legs and pressing his cheek against it. His body sizzles and smokes. He is in great pain, but does not scream.) OLIVE (O.S.) Horrid, Doctor! Horrid! DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Turn your head if you'd like. OLIVE (O.S.) Oh, Doctor, what on earth is he doing? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) It's the pain. The pain of his past transgressions is so great that the excruciating torment of the hot pipes serves as a kind of diversion from the agony he must otherwise endure. (The Patient can stand no more. He tears himself from the pipe and staggers away.) OLIVE (O.S.) Oh, Doctor. (The door opens and TIMMY, an attendant, enters. A protective suit covers his entire body. He pushes a cart with a plastic bin on top filled with slop. He takes a bowl and begins tossing bowlfuls of slop onto the floor. PATIENTS rush over to the slop and begin licking it off the floor, off their hands or from the half-naked bodies of others as Timmy continues tossing.) OLIVE (O.S., continuing) Oh, and what's going on here, Doctor? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Feeding time! OLIVE (O.S.) And what's that they're eating? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) You know, it really doesn't seem to matter. As long as it's putrid and disgusting, they'll eat it. (In the background, STRONGARM SUE, a patient, begins sneaking up on Timmy as he continues his tossing duties.) OLIVE (O.S.) Doctor, what's that creature doing over there? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Which creature? Where? . . . Oh no. OLIVE (O.S.) Doctor, what is it? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Oh no! Oh no! (to Timmy) Good God, man! Look out behind you! (Strongarm Sue jumps on Timmy's back and starts choking him with her arm. Timmy staggers about wildly. He grabs the slop bin and it crashes to the floor. The feeding Patients scatter for cover. Timmy flails about the room, trying to shake off Sue, but she won't let go.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., to Olive, continuing) Quick! Where's your phone? OLIVE (O.S.) It's over there! (Sound of RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, followed by a telephone number being PUNCHED UP and a phone RINGING through the phone speaker.) DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Come on, come on . . . (Timmy is losing his strength and slowly sinks to the floor.) OLIVE (O.S., excited whisper) You're watching live coverage from the Dr. Lipton Institute of Sexual Perversity as "Strongarm Sue" . . . (Strongarm Sue begins dragging Timmy over to the pool of slop. The phone line CLICKS as CHUCK answers.) OLIVE (O. S., excited whisper, continuing) Oh, oh, an important phone call seems to have just gotten through. Let's listen in. CHUCK (O.S., slightly tinny) Yeah-lo . . . DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Chuck! Chuck! Dr. Lipton. Red alert in the Slime Pit! . . . And by God, if it isn't TIMMY! (The sound of Dr. Lipton HANGING UP and WALKING quickly back to his chair. Red lights are FLASHING in the Room of No Return. Timmy lies in the slop. Strongarm Sue is scooping slop into the bowl and pouring it over Timmy.) OLIVE (O.S., excited whisper) "Strongarm Sue," a patient in the "Room of No Return" has just overpowered "Timmy," a nutritionist, rendering him unconscious. DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Come on, come on . . . (A DOCTOR with a big manila envelope and two ORDERLIES burst into the room. They are dressed in protective suits. The Doctor gets Strongarm Sue's attention. She drops the bowl and she and the Doctor begin to slowly circle one another.) DR. LIPTON (O.S.) That's it . . . Move her away . . . Careful, careful . . . (The Doctor slowly puts his hand into the envelope. Strongarm Sue lashes out at him with a swipe of her hand, ripping his suit. They circle each other some more. One of the orderlies is sneaking up behind her. Just as he's about to grab her, she turns around and clubs him with her massive forearm, sending him flying. While she's distracted, the other orderly rushes in and starts dragging Timmy away. Strongarm Sue is about to club this orderly as well, but the Doctor rushes in, pulls an 8 X 10 glossy out of the manila envelope and holds it to Sue's face. Sue recoils in horror. The Doctor backs her away from Timmy using the glossy like a crucifix to a vampire. The two orderlies lift up Timmy, place him on the slop cart and wheel him out.) OLIVE (O.S.) Doctor, what is it? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) You'll see in a second. (The Doctor continues to back up Sue with the glossy. They cross in front of the CAMERA revealing a photo of a pretty smiling girl.) OLIVE (O.S.) Oh Doctor, no. DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Oh yes. OLIVE (O.S.) That fresh-faced young waif? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) That fresh-faced young waif and that misshapen gargoyle you see before you are one and the same. OLIVE (O.S.) But how? Why? What did this Susan person do to end up like this? DR. LIPTON (O.S.) Susan? Oh. Well. Her story is not untypical. Young girl growing up in East Whatchamacallit in the state of your choice. CUT TO: FRONT PORCH (The Susan from the photo eating Pop Tarts with young ANDY.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., continuing) Can't quite see herself spending the rest of her life eating Pop Tarts on the front porch with little Andy from down the lane. (Andy says something. Susan smiles weakly.) CUT TO: INT. BUS (Susan looking dreamily out the window with her chin on her hand. She wears white kid gloves and a straw hat with a daisy sticking out of the top.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., continuing) Hops a bus to the big city for a taste of life in the fast lane. CUT TO: INT. BUS STATION (Susan, fresh off the bus, is suddenly pulled along by a group of CITY SLICKERS.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., continuing) Falls in with the wrong crowd . . . CUT TO: DANCE FLOOR (Susan, dressed sexy, dancing and laughing with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., continuing) Starts doing things she would never have dreamed of back home. Finds maybe she likes it a little more than she oughta . . . (Susan, still dancing, kisses a GUY.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., continuing) Does a little more . . . (Susan, still dancing, turns and kisses ANOTHER GUY. Someone passes her a bottle of champagne and she takes a big drink.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., continuing) Then a little more . . . (Susan is now dancing with THREE GUYS simultaneously. She pours a handful of pills into her hand, pops them in her mouth and takes a slug from the champagne bottle. A GUY walks by. Susan reaches into his pocket, deftly snatches his wallet, takes the money out and tosses it into the air.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., continuing) Until it's too late. CUT TO: ROOM OF NO RETURN (Susan in her present state, furiously masturbating on the cold cement floor.) DR. LIPTON (O.S., continuing) And that's where we step in. (CAMERA MOVES IN on Susan's anguished furious face. The video screen blanks out.) OLIVE (O.S.) Oh. Arnie? Wilma? What's the . . . Oh. CUT TO: "THE HEALTH HABIT" SET OLIVE (to CAMERA, continuing) Well, we're just about out of time, so we say good-bye to the Room of No Return and its inhabitants. (to Dr. Lipton) And Dr. Lipton. Thank you so much for sharing your unique perspective on a problem that could someday affect us all and about which we should all be aware. DR. LIPTON (anguished) You know . . . Olive . . . you work at your job for years. You think you've seen it all. But sometimes you just, just . . . (Olive leans forward and taps him on the knee.) OLIVE Try not to think about it. CUT TO:
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